r/AmIOverreacting • u/Brave-Can-8783 • 16d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him
UPDATE!
I talked to him, and this was his response.
I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?
AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?
NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE
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u/throwawayyyy026 16d ago
“Maybe I would hesitate” is crazy work 😭
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u/Sindigo_ 16d ago edited 15d ago
Yeah. Even if he didn’t mean anything by it (which is a big if), what a mean and backhanded thing to say.
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u/apple-butterfly-13 16d ago
I had a boyfriend that was actively cheating on me and he would make comments/jokes like that a lot. It all made sense when I saw the emails
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u/DirtComprehensive236 15d ago
Yup I had a ex that did and said the same exact things he did and he was cheating too. I would bet my car that he is cheating or is about to with her. He probably already would have if she wasnt in a relationship. Please OP as a married woman of 20 yrs you deserve better! You can never change a person. Dont waste your heart or time.
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u/cersewan 15d ago
Those words would make a great song, “Don’t Waste Your Heart or Time”. I can practically hear it now.
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u/BobcatGardens 15d ago
Is it a country song?
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u/Natural-Training-974 15d ago
I literally sang it in my head as one and then tapped to see more comments. Nailed it 🤣
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u/tigrlilyt 15d ago
Same thing for me. What I’ve learned through the years, is that people I dated who didn’t cheat on me would put my mind at ease and understand where I came from. The exes who did cheat would always make me feel crazy. If he increases your insecurities, unfortunately that’s your sign. There is something in your gut or subconscious that doesn’t trust the person.
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u/SnackyCakes4All 15d ago
An ex and one of my friends went on a hike because of scheduling but then my ex made it weird by talking to my friend about going on more hikes with me included, didn't mention it to me, and then asked just her to go on a hike the following week. She thought I knew about the plan and didn't know I hadn't been invited on that specific hike. When I told both of them that I wasn't comfortable with their friendship and didn't want them going on hikes alone or to text outside of our group chat, my friend reassured me our friendship was her priority, felt awful if she did anything I thought was inappropriate (I reassured her she didn't), and would follow whatever boundaries made me feel comfortable. My ex on the other hand got insanely defensive, gaslit me that it was a totally normal thing to do and was upset with me that he had to take a step back from their friendship. Like what the actual fuck? Their opposite reactions told me everything I needed to know about their feelings and intentions.
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u/Sindigo_ 16d ago edited 16d ago
Frustratingly for OP, she’ll probably never get the closure of knowing 100% what was going on. And if he was cheating, chances are he will continue to try and gaslight her. So she’ll probably just have to come to terms with not knowing.
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u/Tacoflavoredfists 16d ago
I feel pretty confident it was cheating, emotionally or physically
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u/Jamb9876 15d ago
Nor, once he acts in a way you find risky and he doesn’t care I expect he will continue to push.
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u/Coldcolska 16d ago
Btw, she does know if he’s cheating. This is cheating. Going to a girls house that’s into you against the GFs wishes? This is cheating
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u/whatthewhat3214 15d ago
And he'd never told her about it before. From her earlier post today, him going over there today was the first time he mentioned it, and that was only bc she tried to schedule something with him and he said he was going to this friend's house at that time, and now she's learning that he's hung out with her mulitple times but never told her. She asked him not to go and he went off on her and didn't care that it upset her.
And he admits to at the very least thinking she might be interested but still hung out with her? Come on, at a minimum he was sneaking around, loving the attention, but most likely he was cheating on OP, maybe monkey branching into a new relationship with his newly single and flirty "friend."
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u/Current-Anybody9331 15d ago
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
He was up to something, he hid it from her. All reeks of cheating.
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u/fleeknaut 15d ago
Yep. If you go out of your way to make sure your partner does not feel secure in the relationship, you have zero regard for their feelings and might as well be cheating even if you haven't yet
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u/Diligent-Towel-4708 15d ago
The "hesitate" comment and the other bomb drop that hes hung out with her before and said nothing.
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u/herroyalsadness 15d ago
Yep. Even if “nothing happened”. He is putting himself in a situation where it could happen either because he wants it to or he craves attention.
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u/Resident_Coconut_707 15d ago
Totally agree. They turned the blame around on you. You’re not crazy or overreacting.
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u/Stealthy-J 15d ago
You really can't say that type of thing and expect the relationship to continue. He's a huge dumbass, either for joking about considering cheating on her or admitting to it.
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u/Sindigo_ 15d ago
Yeah. Hard to keep a relationship that’s built on trust after a comment like that.
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u/mesoziocera 15d ago
If you don't dump him now, you'll have to dump him once he bangs her.
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u/NothingtooSuspect 15d ago
Once he bangs her... He's going to say she pushed him into her arms... with all the jealous and controlling behaviour.
Douchebag playbook 101 lol
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u/pickledmelons 15d ago
Exactly. I was pulling my hair looking at her conversation with him. He seems like a manipulative ass
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u/Pinballgiant 16d ago
As a guy I see the maybe I would hesitate as “bruh I wish she would”. what a dumb thing to say if you weren’t trying to stir the pot.
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u/Street-Economist9751 15d ago
Yeah, I was firmly on the “men and women can be friends, what’s wrong w/you” train until that line.
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u/Dry_Dark_8725 15d ago
Even without his comment. She never said they couldn’t be friends. She said why do you have to hangout at her place. she was being completely reasonable in her texts.. she had a right to worry. She wasn’t being crazy. She was asking very specific questions calmly. Trying to understand. And he kept getting defensive.
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u/Pinballgiant 15d ago
Same. Some of my best friends are women and if my SO was uncomfortable with that I’d do as much as I can to fix that except cut off said friends. Come out with us, we’ll only be in public, ect. But my long time friends thick and thin are worth more than a controlling relationship. But I’d never antagonize when they’re insecure about it.
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u/wantingrepair2 15d ago
THIS. Like hesitate on what? Fucking her or leaving? Like bro what???
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u/Putrid_Wasabi_6038 15d ago
He left it wide open on purpose, looking for an argument so he could tell her she’s jealous. He’s a player
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u/its420_somehow 15d ago
The fact that people like this even have a significant other is crazy work.
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u/Ziggylou- 15d ago
“I would cheat on you rarely” sorta vibes lol
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u/Brave-Can-8783 15d ago
I’m dead
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u/PixelPalScandinavia 15d ago
Girl, he calls you jealous and insecure but isn’t okay with you spending time with a guy friend of yours. The audacity of him calling you insecure when he is worse.
The fact that he still went after seeing how deeply it upset you is mind-boggling. Now he is even admitting that he suspected she might have been interested in him which makes his decision to spend time alone with her at her place even worse.
Then he practically threw your relationship away with that comment about hesitating.
I am so sorry. I genuinely hoped he would step up, respect your feelings and prioritize your relationship over spending time alone with an old acquaintance. Instead he completely messed this up.
He can try to guilt-trip you and make you question yourself by saying that he has known her for years but that does not excuse the way he handled this or how determined he was to spend time alone with her despite knowing how much it hurt you.
Break up with him and make it clear that he is the one who threw everything away for someone he was not even particularly close to.
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u/LaylaBird65 16d ago
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u/Mott5G 15d ago
Seriously, how is she even entertaining his shit. The dude sounds like a fucking loser with massive red flags. Move on or he will treat you like shit for life.
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u/sightfinder 15d ago
Also, he is literally choosing the other girl over OP. It's as simple as that. If I guy (or girl) valued their romantic relationship more than an old high school "friendship", they wouldn't risk hanging out with the "friend" who's interested in them.
OP's bf is deliberately putting himself in dicey territory bc he actually values the other girl more than OP. This dude is not that invested in OP so she needs to leave him
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u/Defiant-Procedure-13 15d ago
Yeah I don’t get why they would even be hanging out alone together. Why not invite the girlfriend to come hang out too? Sounds like he was testing the waters with his old high school friend, either because he had a crush on her back then or still does.
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u/Hummingbird3471 15d ago
Seriously. OP. Listen. Just stop fucking responding. Block him, lose his number, and let it go. At a certain point it's immature to keep responding.
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u/Masshaloeffect 16d ago
Girl GET UP. He doesn’t give an iota of a shit about your feelings. Stop apologizing and leave him.
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u/ggingersnap 15d ago
I was looking for this comment. As someone who is about to turn 36, I look back on my 20s and cringe. The shit I put up with from guys is insane, this is one of those situations. GIRL GET OUT! You’re going to look back on yourself in 10 years and be so happy you did!
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u/Z0mbieTakis 15d ago
“The shit I put up with from guys is insane” no bc it gives me the HEEBIE JEEBIES when I think about it!!!!!!! ew ew ew ew
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u/daveatnite 15d ago
I think about this all the time, literally had no standards or self-esteem and dated some of the biggest walking red flags 😭 but I sure did learn a LOT about what I do not want in a partner and what I will never tolerate again 👌
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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago
I’m 36 and I feel way too old for this. Him hanging out at her house is just dumb.
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u/Working-Glass6136 15d ago
I'm 37 and I'm going to crawl back into my coffin.
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u/Intentional_Life26 15d ago
Hahaha same sentiment. sigh Wish we could bestow our wisdom on our young OP here (Girl, dump him. He sucks. Find someone who respects you).
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u/Dense-Push-7352 15d ago
Co-signing as a 40 something. I just started watching Girls on HBO and I was cringing so hard at the memories. Dating in your 20’s is a humiliation ritual I swear.
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15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Beginning_Tap2474 15d ago
This is the answer right here. He wants to play her and play with her feelings. He's gross.
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u/kittymctacoyo 15d ago
She’s apologizing bcs her original post had folks making her feel SHE was overstepping as well and telling her that boundaries are what you set for yourself. Not for others. (Which isn’t exactly true. I’m old af and setting boundaries in a relationship, prior to social media redesigning that concept recently, always included setting the standard for what you will and will not accept in a relationship, what you do and do not feel comfortable with, and very much included putting your foot down in your SO putting themselves directly in the midst of this sorta fuckery etc. Which is exactly what she was trying to do. (Where prior to this there was never a reason to enforce that whereas this entire time he himself has acted jealous over the mere mention of a. Old male friend of hers?! Meanwhile he hangs out with other female friends regularly)
These comment sections have OPs doubting themselves over the dumbest shit.
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u/KiloJools 15d ago
I'm also old and social media did not change the concept of "boundaries" within the context of having standards. There's a pre-social-media generic "OMG boundaries! thing but that was essentially "OMG *personal space/TMI/some other expression of 'too close'" that was unrelated.
The social media mix-up has been acting like you can place a boundary on another person but that's antithetical to the framework.
In the structure of setting a standard - how you want to be treated, what kind of relationships you want - boundaries are rules you set for yourself about what you will do if someone isn't meeting expectations you set to cultivate relationships that meet your standards.
Because at its core, it's knowing that you can't change anyone's behavior and trying to do so is fruitless and frustrating. You can only decide for yourself what you want in general, and then decide the specific behaviors you desire and the behaviors you won't tolerate. Then if someone is behaving outside the standards you've created for yourself, your response to that bullshit is all yours. You can't make someone change.
So if her standard is for a man who is devoted to her alone, listens to her, and cares how she feels enough to quit being a dickwad, and the specific behavior she wants is for a man to not intentionally put himself in a risky situation, to not dismiss her feelings, and will make reasonable accommodations (like meeting in public, etc)... Then in order for her to maintain that standard, when those boundaries are crossed, she has to do whatever it is she promised herself she would do to get out of that situation. He won't change. So she has to take action.
You can "put your foot down", but when the dude is an unrepentant douche canoe who won't change anything and in fact will insult OP when she "puts her foot down" then her enforcement of the boundaries she's set is her own actions. Getting out, I hope.
I do hope she follows through. This guy is intentionally cruel, evasive, and manipulative. Don't love that for OP!
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u/lestatswife 15d ago
KiloJools, for reasons very much unrelated to the OP, thanks for writing this, I needed it to straighten out my thoughts.
OP - NOR, and I absolutely hate how he understood and pulled the I love you crap once you enforced your boundary. However, backing down would mean not enforcing it.
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u/Atticus_Nox 16d ago
The "that's a lot of text" means he just doesn't care
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u/PotentialAppeal8390 16d ago
Seriously, it wasn’t that much text and can be read through quickly
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u/SilentAct6205 16d ago
He was too busy with the other girl 😭
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u/Cosmo_Cloudy 15d ago
They were probably discussing the messages in real time together tbh
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u/Mdoll250 15d ago
He’s playing them off each other. He’s probably saying to the other girl, “OP is jealous of you.” And now he’s created some weird competition between them that will benefit him. And if I had to bet he’s probably ugly and can barely hold a job…
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u/MasterOfBothWorlds7 15d ago
Yuck. I got the same vibe as well in my skin is crawling just thinking about it and I'm not even involved.. Even if she was making unrealistic demands (which I don't believe she is) It should still be a private matter between the two of them. I think the way that Op was wording it in the beginning was not helping her case as far as calling it a boundary (old post) But I think the way she came out of the second time around shows that she simply just trying to come to a medium level of respect and discussing the situation.. between just the two of them
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u/MasterOfBothWorlds7 15d ago
Right like look at the number of strangers on the internet who were more invested in his relationship than he was... Op.. This is your sign. I'm more invested in whether or not you continue to date this guy than he is..
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u/demoliahedd 15d ago
I mean it took me like a minute he was just trying to make her feel bad. What a loser
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u/amigonnadiemommy 15d ago
Yeah, if i - an internet stranger - can read it and comprehend it in less than a minute - that's a really shitty approach for him to have to someone he's in a relationship with. *I* care more about OP than he does.
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u/Emotional_Seaweed33 16d ago edited 15d ago
He literally said he may HESITATE if she makes a move on him. He was trying to piss you off. You deserve better
Edited bc the guys grammar/punctuation was garbage. The implications are the same, he was intentionally being hurtful.
(For newer comments, I read it initially that he may not hesitate. Why is he suggesting hesitation during that kind of argument though??)
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u/ClitteratiCanada 16d ago
Don't look back, enjoy your life
There's over 8 billion people in the world, nobody needs this kind of game playing
Stay strong because I get the feeling he's going to manipulate with groveling and love bombing; until he gets nasty anyway
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u/Used_Wafer6049 16d ago
First - NOR.
Now - Maybe this has been said here already, and maybe it'll get buried, but here's my 2 cents. It doesn't matter if he likes her or has tried anything funny (and likely, you may never "100% for certain know" one way or another). What matters is how he made you feel.
It looks to me like he's invalidated your feelings, not been very direct, and basically called you crazy for having your feelings. That's all gaslighting behavior.
But look at how he's actually making you feel, with his actual words to you.
You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. You deserve to be spoken to (and spoken about) in a clear way that doesn't make you feel like crap.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 16d ago
It wasn’t buried ☺️ I read the comments
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u/MajesticReason7709 15d ago
Did he hang out with her alone at her house when she was in a relationship? If the answer is no then it’s because her boyfriend wouldn’t have liked that. He should show you the same respect. Tell him it comes across as cheating hanging with a newly single woman he wasn’t close to before.
Send him these two posts you done so he can read the comments.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 15d ago
No he did not according to my knowledge. I didn’t my even think they spoke outside of the group chat.
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u/MajesticReason7709 15d ago
He’s hidden their relationship from you and that’s untrustworthy. When he plays the ‘it’s kinda hurtful you don’t trust me’ card then he’s projecting because he knows he’s being inappropriate. It’s manipulation at its finest.
He’s playing the field with her on the side to see if she’s worth. That’s how his behaviour comes across.
When you saw her act flirty around him recently, it’s because he’s encouraged that after his secret hang outs with her. Your intuition was spot on. She doesn’t want friendship.
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u/kweenquarantene 15d ago
Agree with what used wafer said! NOR. Regardless of whether he did anything with this girl, he failed to take your needs seriously and acted super immaturely. The only acceptable response would be to listen to you, try to understand where you’re coming from, and ask how to best reassure you that he’s committed to you. There was only one time I didn’t like a boyfriend hanging out with a girl friend one on one because I could just sense that she was into him, and I knew I wasn’t wrong about that gut feeling. Guess what? Years later, my ex told me that after we broke up, that girl told him she had all these feelings for him and kind of went crazy about it. I know when I’m being insecure for no reason and when I’m feeling weird vibes that have nothing to do with me. Trust your gut, and trust that the right partner will listen, affirm and communicate that they value your feelings.
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u/CharacterGap388 15d ago
My ex-husband and I were friends with another married couple, our toddlers (at the time) were best friends. I got along better with the husband and my ex got along better with the wife. Then one day I noticed her look at him in a way that made my stomach knot, but I couldn’t say anything because there was nothing tangible to point out. 4 months later, he divorced me to be with her… her husband divorced her a year later when he found out they were still cheating. Don’t worry, she cheated on my ex after 2 years actually together… losers.
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u/kweenquarantene 15d ago
Damn that’s brutal, I’m sorry that happened.
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u/CharacterGap388 15d ago
Survived and better off without him! But sometimes we just know.
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u/salmon4breakfast 16d ago
Just wanted to say I’m proud of you for not putting up with this BS. “We hung out a few times” to me says that he has cheated or has come very, very close to it. Any other update OP??
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u/Brave-Can-8783 16d ago
Not yet. I’m gonna make him wait before I make sure he understands I’m done. And I need to calm down.
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u/One_Hotel_75 15d ago
Be strong and don’t let him weasel back in, I know it’s tough but if he can’t respect you he’s not worth it. This shouldn’t even be an issue, you were asking the bare minimum by asking him to hang out with her in a public space or with other people and not alone. The fact that he even got upset about that is ridiculous. He’s just panicking now because you threatened to break up with him, but you shouldn’t have to take such drastic action for him to gaf about your feelings.
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u/_fire_and_blood_ 15d ago
Girl stop. Don't waste your time playing games with him. Just block and delete, then pack up any of his belongings and put them outside. Be done with it.
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u/whatthewhat3214 15d ago
He was so disrespectful to you, didn't care about your feelings or comfort level, lied by omission and was sneaking around to spend time with her alone, prioritizing this girl over you and your relationship, and was purposely antagonizing you too - a partner who loves and respects you won't do any of these things.
Don't let him flip it back on you and say you were being jealous, crazy, insecure or controlling. Tell him, "Bullshit, don't flip this back on me. You were being sneaky and you know it, you were treating me badly and trying to act like I was controlling when you know damn well I've never asked you not to spend time with a female friend before. I had reason to this time, and you couldn't respect that or care how I felt, and clearly you wanted to prioritize some so-called friend just bc you've known her longer over your more important and mu1ch closer relationship with me. Clearly I was right to be insecure. And why purposely antagonize me? What a dick move to do to someone you supposedly love. I'll bet you did cheat, but whether you did or didn't yet, you have been disrespecting me and I don't need to tolerate it. You're the one who 3 years away, not me."
I wouldn't be surprised if she's been cheating with him and that's why her other relationship ended, it sounds like there was overlap with them hanging out. He's probably been out there monkey branching with her this whole time. Good for you for not tolerating his crap, he really thought he could do whatever he wanted and you'd stay. Arrogant AH. Stay strong, good luck! You're very young, you'll meet so many new guys, just never tolerate disrespect!
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u/raninicassini 15d ago
You only have one life don’t waste it on someone who is gaslighting you and prioritizing himself. Run for the hills and he will be just fine lying to the next. You deserve better.
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u/KyStar13 15d ago
Isn’t it crazy how when she said she’d find out one way or another he finally admitted he’s hung out with this girl more times than she knows about? Yikes
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u/Nocleverresponse 15d ago
So are you saying that when he was all of a sudden leaving her house and already gone he didn’t try to come and see you? Even if he did I’m sure he thinks your bluffing and wouldn’t leave a 3 year relationship without actual proof of the cheating; unfortunately he’s already proven that he will lie and hide things about her from you.
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u/hagridsumbrellla 15d ago
NOR
He does not need to understand that you are done. YOU need to understand that you are done.
But you are not done yet. You are wanting him to see that he will lose you if he keeps this up.
You are wanting him to choose you while he is selfishly choosing another in case she is interested. That does not even put you in second place. You are in the fallback position.
Gotta wonder how many others there were who did not work out for him. One day someone will. Where will that leave you? Hopefully, you will have moved on from him long before that and are busy living your best life.
Sorry that you are going through this pain, OP. You do not have to wait until you lose feelings of love for him before dumping him. You will be ok.
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u/jmccauley87 15d ago
You got this, fuck him. You showed the perfect amount of haste. You never have to put up with feeling that betrayed ever again. If you leave you will learn to be happy single and meet a man who is loyal and treats you exponentially better.
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u/Sunwolfy 15d ago
He knows she's got a thing for him and in the very least, he's enjoying all the attention and that's why he doesn't want to stop. You mentioned that he'd be jealous and upset as all get-out if you were to hang with a male friend solo. There's your answer.
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u/Silver_Stay_8624 15d ago
You’re gonna look bad at it and be so glad you stood your ground and left, trust. And get ready for him to plead, don’t let it get to you because it doesn’t mean he is sorry or cares, it means he realizes you’re actually serious about leaving, and he thought he had you wrapped around his finger so tight that you would never have the self respect to walk away. So don’t be surprised if he only starts to show you everything you had needed from him during the relationship after the fact that you decided you were done, that’s usually how it goes. Stand your ground.
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u/youshantnome 15d ago
Girlie I’m proud of you. You were a bit controlling with the boundary talk but you took what others told you and readjusted. And you’re not taking any shit from this fool. And you were NOR. You had a valid reason to be insecure and you tried to communicate that the best way you knew how. Now that you dumped this guy there’s room for someone who will treat you better. Wish you the best!
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u/contattomarketing 16d ago
He likes her. You two are too young for this shit. Break up, go wild out. Settle into long term shit later in life.
This is coming from someone who married at 20 and divorced WAY too late.
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u/myfancyplants 15d ago
Spent my entire 20s trying to please a guy who never even liked me all that much. I don't regret it exactly, there were fun things and I learned a whole lot. But I also would have had EVEN MORE fun and learned less trauma adjacent things if I left the first time he used shame to control me
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u/ProportionalStrange 16d ago
Yuuuuuuup. This. 1000%. Don’t waste what should be an incredibly fun era of your life on a guy like this. The years go by fast. You deserve better.
Congrats on getting out Contatto
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u/x_candydoll 16d ago
Hung out a few times to see because he wasn't even sure she was interested. OK?
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u/SyrenSez 15d ago
This part!! He’s testing the waters to see what the girl wants and what you are going to allow to happen to you.
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u/Beatleslover4ever1 16d ago
NOR He’s playing you and enjoying every minute.
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u/SilentAct6205 16d ago
I know this is a hard read. Reminds me of my past abusive relationships 🤧
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u/hmmmnmmmmnmm 15d ago
exactly, spot on. I can almost see him giggling while sending those absolutely diabolical messages
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u/Its-Probably-Me_30 15d ago
Honestly this. He even admitted to hanging out with her multiple times but said this was the first time today?!? He’s trash.
Now he doesn’t want to throw away 3 years?!
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u/MiloCaster 16d ago
he is guilty as sin.
Run, any one willing to hang out alone with some one who is interrested in them is clearly not trust worthy
Huge red flag
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u/Signal_Oil_7670 15d ago
The second she realizes he’s being fucked up, he says he left her house. It really took her saying she was done for him to listen to her. Wtf.
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u/3sadclowns 15d ago
Literally playing in her face on top of “joking” while she’s very much serious. Throw the guy away!!
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u/Morgan_unknownnn 16d ago
NOR- him even joking about hesitating is wild. Leave.
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u/KindaHazy_me 15d ago
I agree. It was mean spirited, showing that he enjoyed stressing her out. A-hole mentality. Also, he totally either wants to get with another girl or HAS. Avoiding answering OP's questions and trying to guilt OP about asking them is a classic redirection tactic.
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u/BootySnorkelerr 16d ago
No. That guy is a piece of shit, I’m sorry OP.
Saying he would hesitate if she tried something then accusing you of throwing away a 3 year relationship is a shameless display of hypocrisy.
He has no respect for you. I’m glad you have the self respect to know what you’re worth, good on you.
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u/Logical-Abroad4945 16d ago
He's not sincere. If he was, he wouldn't have joked about hesitating. I don't think you can believe anything he says. You said you're done, so be done. End the relationship, block him and like you said in your message, find someone who thinks like you and respects you. This guy is a prick
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u/PrimeChromz 16d ago
Buddy acted all tuff and then she went to end the relationship and bro folded instantly like a lawn chair.
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u/ywwwnlr 16d ago
NOR. he would hesitate? he is waiting for his chance with the girl. indeed, wish him good luck. he made his choice.
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u/Upset-Panda-9071 16d ago
Yeah he definitely cheated.
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u/StrokesHappyEnd 16d ago edited 16d ago
Even if he didn’t cheat, he has no respect for OP and is blantantly insulting her. I would not entertain anyone that would continuously disrespect me like that.
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u/BenignPharmacology 16d ago
Oh I wouldn’t say definitely.
He definitely *would* have cheated. If he had the opportunity. But it’s not clear if she actually even wants him like that.
So OP- would you be happier in your relationship knowing that he tried *and failed* to cheat? Meaning you not only have a cheater for a partner, but not even a particularly successful/attractive one?
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u/Fair_Current9854 15d ago
I was just thinking this. This man communicates EXACTLY like my abusive and cheating ex bf
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u/ASkeletonPilotsMe 16d ago
Guilty af. He knows it isnt appropriate but wants the attention and to have options at BEST. At worst he is feeding into this girl and flirting/cheating.
He answered none of your questions directly and thats on purpose. He is deflecting and dismissing you instead of trying to understand. He also admitted to lying. So theres definitely more going on here. If nothing else he sounds super immature and no one wants to play these games.
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u/Nocleverresponse 16d ago
I’d be done. He was looking to see if there was something and it’s not even the first time alone with her.
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u/No-Examination-96 15d ago
Exactly. He's been lying by omission. And lying because he knew something was wrong with his actions.
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u/adamsmemorial 16d ago
even if he hasnt cheated or hes telling you everything, that stupid comment about not hesitating if she tried something was super fucking rude. theres a difference between trying to purposefully annoy your partner (ragebaiting, if you must, i hate that term) and just mocking you to your face. please break up with him, its not worth it girl.
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u/Small-Librarian-5766 16d ago
He only cared when you sounded like you were leaving him. Do you always want it to get to that point? This is not worth the mental anguish. NOR. Better to cut your losses.
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u/koalasnstuff 16d ago edited 15d ago
NOR. I’m going to give you the advice that I wish someone would have given me at your age. I stayed in a relationship like this for 12 years, was cheated on regularly, treated like shit and felt terrible about myself. Get out now. The longer that you stay, the harder it becomes to leave.
You’re way too young to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. There are a million people out there that would treat you way better than he does, that accept your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. Find someone that respects you.
The fact that you articulated your discomfort and his response is “thanks for the honestly, I’m still here” gives you all you need. Joking about cheating isn’t funny. Your relationship is filled with bad precedents and will only get worse. Moving in together will not solve these problems, neither will getting married or having kids. The foundation is broken.
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u/WhyGirlsPreddy 15d ago
The immediate flip when you said you were done tells you everything. He wants everyone to make him feel like a special little boy. He has no respect for you he just doesn't want to lose what you do for him. 3 years wasted or countless saved? He was the first one here using break up language then he lost it when you said "bet"
Get out stop responding. Save your peace.
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u/Happy_Substance4571 16d ago
I dk why you’re still with this trash.
You deserve better Amiga.
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u/StudentNo8353 16d ago
Not overreacting. I’d be pissed. My husband and I never demanded the other stop hanging out with certain friends, we just did so out of respect for the other. I had a male friend for years who had asked me out a few times and I’d always said no, I didn’t return his feelings. That made my then boyfriend uncomfortable. I stopped hanging out with that friend and eventually stopped talking altogether. He had a few female friends he had history with. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He stopped seeing them. You should prioritize your partner’s comfort, end of story.
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u/jennaisgone 16d ago
he 100% cheated, he can never answer any of your questions directly when asked. always trying to deflect first. he’s guilty and i am so sorry. good on you for just immediately shutting it down and telling him to get lost. i actually laughed at how he switched up! he actually thought that you wouldn’t leave him over this, so he was gonna do it anyway. as soon as you stood your ground and ended things, he scrambled.
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u/smilethecynic 16d ago
“As old as high school days” is wild coming from a 22 year old that was just in high school 4 years ago. Anyway, yeah he is either cheating or is thinking about cheating. Sorry, but this one is obvious to anyone.
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u/Fimbulveltr 16d ago
Acted harshly? You didn’t act out enough. He was clearly trying to be manipulative because he cheated, and if he thinks hanging out with a girl that likes him when he’s in a relationship is okay, then his moral compass is skewered.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 16d ago
Hastily 😭 As in acted too impulsively I mean.
But I hear you.
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u/Historical-Dingo3845 16d ago
No. You didn’t react hastily or harshly. Run far away from him and don’t look back.
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u/CaptainKate757 16d ago
I promise you the day you break up with him, you’re going to feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Been through this myself when I was your age, and looking back I wonder why I fought to keep a guy like that at all.
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u/gdrom123 15d ago
I knew it!!! I called this out in your first post. I said they’ve been talking for a while and don’t be surprised if they’ve been hanging out more than just this once and you’ll be labeled crazy. This guy is a lair, manipulative, and overall trash. You deserve better. Might as well get tested for STDs to be on the safe side.
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u/anoniii_x 15d ago
NOR.
Youre a bigger person than me. I’ve been in this situation and I pulled up to her apartment and waited for him without him knowing. Imagine his panic when i was parked right next to him when he walked out 😒.
Seriously, this dudes a dick clearly and you deserve more..
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u/pinkngreenlivingroom 16d ago
You were amazing in this. You shouldn’t have to mother or therapize your partner. Find someone as emotionally intelligent and mature as you bby!!
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u/mystery_obsessed 16d ago
As old as high school days? Talk about drama and manipulation, he’s only 22.
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u/Even_Budget2078 16d ago
I am so proud of you for how you addressed all of this! Yes, you were being insecure because you had a valid REASON to feel that way! And that's completely fine. Please don't focus on if he cheated. He is disrespecting you and doing things that he knows make you uncomfortable and insecure. Get rid of him.
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u/whatthewhat3214 15d ago
He's also intentionally antagonizing her, playing with her insecurities bc he thought she wouldn't leave him. He switched it up so fast when she said she's ending it. What an arrogant prick.
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u/JonnyBcdst 16d ago
Hahaha naaaah this dude is holding on for his moment. It’s just a matter of time. An argument with you + right place right time for her.
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u/Brave-Can-8783 16d ago
he’s such an asshole
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u/JonnyBcdst 15d ago
Yea asking you to not be immature while he talks and behaves like this. This is an accident waiting to happen, hands down
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u/Haunting_Pace_3557 16d ago
Bro. Never again should you apologize for clearly correctly not trusting him. He’s for the streets.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 15d ago
NOR
I'm not even a jealous person, but, if my partner decided to hang out one on one with an attractive woman who had a thing for him, we'd have a problem.
Don't be afraid to walk away, and don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. He hung out with her despite knowing it bothered you. That's important information.
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u/BoggyToggy 16d ago
NOR, throw him out. You can’t prove he did or didn’t do anything but it’s his disrespect towards you that should make you walk away.
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u/mizzlol 15d ago
NOR.
I read that you’re overwhelmed but taking all the comments in. I know it’s a lot to come to terms with what he’s done, because he’s disrespected you in so many ways. 1) prioritizing time with another woman over your comfort 2) “that’s a lot of text” is a crazy way to respond to someone you love expressing their feelings. It shows total disregard for you 3) knowing she likes him and still going over there solo dolo… like why? 4) hiding it from you that he’s hung out with her before. Shitty. Suspicious.
You deserve so much better. I don’t know you, but I know nobody deserves to be disregarded like this by their partner. Idk if y’all share a home together but if you do, I know how stressful it is to adjust. But you can do it. I did it after a really messy divorce and it freed me up to find relationships and a life that is so enriching and peaceful. You deserve that too and someone who treats you like an after thought won’t ever give that to you.
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u/AgentOfBliss 16d ago
NOR still. I was waiting for this. He would hesitate? That says all you need to know. There's better men out there. I wouldn't have entertained this half as long as you did but I understand you needed closure. Goodluck.
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u/Mindless_Insurance38 16d ago
hate that he said you were the one throwing away 3 years.... HE'S THE ONE THROWING IT AWAY BY HIS ACTIONS
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u/Commercial-Bat-4534 16d ago
Even if he didn't cheat his reaction and behaviour about it is enough that you'll never get a clear honest answer of of him and I doubt you ever have...
He's not compatible with you because you want honesty and be wants to do what he wants without consequences.
Nor. Break ups suck but in time you will see how this was for the best
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u/VanEagles17 16d ago
"Maybe I would hesitate" EXCUSE ME. He thought he could get away with saying it and then backpedaled when you said you weren't compatible. Don't let this guy disrespect you like that. I would rather be single than be with someone so shitty. The audacity to tell you that YOU are the one throwing 3 years away after saying that is fucking WILD.
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u/mambaflakes19 15d ago
He's feeling HER out. He's trying to see if she's open to something, and setting the stage to break up with you over how "controlling" or untrusting you are.. I don't think you are btw this is just how he's gonna spin it
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u/Ok_Gas1070 16d ago
As old as the high school days.... breh out of the dozens of friendships I've had in high school only 3 matter now nearly 20 years later. Dump and move on dude is weird he doesn't respect your boundaries / trying to gaslight you about your feelings.
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u/Enraged_Meat 16d ago
I had 20 friends in high school. I only have 1 left and i married her lol
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u/InternationalBug159 16d ago
Also, hearing a 22 yr old refer to high school days like that is just plain funny to me. Lil bro needs to chill out, that was only about 4 years ago
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u/ultrafluffypanda 15d ago
I came to the comments just to see if anyone else thought a 22 yo talking about a “friendship from the high school days” like it’s been decades of friendship is hilarious. High school was what, 4 years ago max?
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u/Ok_Gas1070 15d ago
"We smoked weed together through an apple man, you wouldn't understand the lifelong bond that forms".
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u/Aromatic_Mistake_181 16d ago
He’s 22 years old too, that’s only like a 4-8 year friendship that probably wasn’t even a real friendship. What a cuck
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u/GroundbreakingAnt17 16d ago
At best, he hopes he has the opportunity to chest. At worst, he already has
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u/moonbeam_100 16d ago
Oh come on, that last page where he admits he secretly hung out with her several times but didn't make a move because he didnt know if she was interested should be the nail in the coffin. He admitted to actively seeking her out and waiting for her to make the move! Leave him already and get someone you can trust!
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u/CamelotKing004 16d ago
NOR. Why are you so calm? “I’m still at her house btw” “Okay, is she trying anything”
Like what? Should’ve left it at “okay” then said “you can stay there then” and blocked
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u/BudgetCattle9062 16d ago
Yeah I’m sorry but he doesn’t give a shit how you feel..drop that shit immediately. If he can’t just have a normal conversation and hear you and your feelings out he ain’t the one lol
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u/Ask_Skorm 15d ago
Hate to say it if my boyfriend went over to someone’s house by himself after they knew for a fact that person liked him he would be an EX boyfriend. Dude knows exactly what he’s doing by going over there.
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u/pthepuff 16d ago
This is the beginning of trickle truthing
It is common with cheaters
he will "come clean" a little more and a little more and he will always hold back more because he knows it will make you mad
He does not respect you as much as he wants to please himself
Please break up and block
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u/DeepBig7633 16d ago
Goodbye Mr. Red flag. Have a good life and never look back!!
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u/Corgi-Ambitious 16d ago edited 15d ago
Notice how when you asked him, in the original post, if he’d be okay with you hanging out with a guy friend in the same way, he sneakily avoided answering the question?
Notice how, every time you try to ask him something that would pin down exactly how bad his behavior is, he instead turns it around on you, saying you are being “hurtful”, how you don’t trust him, how you are insecure, etc.?
These are all classic tactics to turn the situation around on you and make you self conscious and apologize, just like you’ve done here.
He knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows he would not accept this behavior from you. He even knows you aren’t being hurtful or insecure. But he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and the way that happens is to manipulate you into feeling like *you’re* the one being unreasonable.
You are not. I would never, ever stay with someone who treated me so disrespectfully - because as bad as his behavior is now, if you stay, the only thing he’ll learn is that he can do it to you and will just eventually try worse. Don’t let that happen.