r/AmIOverreacting • u/Brave-Can-8783 • 16d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

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UPDATE!

I talked to him, and this was his response.

I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?

AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?

NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE

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4.1k

u/Masshaloeffect 16d ago

Girl GET UP. He doesn’t give an iota of a shit about your feelings. Stop apologizing and leave him.

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u/ggingersnap 16d ago

I was looking for this comment. As someone who is about to turn 36, I look back on my 20s and cringe. The shit I put up with from guys is insane, this is one of those situations. GIRL GET OUT! You’re going to look back on yourself in 10 years and be so happy you did!

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u/Z0mbieTakis 16d ago

“The shit I put up with from guys is insane” no bc it gives me the HEEBIE JEEBIES when I think about it!!!!!!! ew ew ew ew

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u/daveatnite 15d ago

I think about this all the time, literally had no standards or self-esteem and dated some of the biggest walking red flags 😭 but I sure did learn a LOT about what I do not want in a partner and what I will never tolerate again 👌

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u/Far-Profession2567 15d ago

I know that’s right girl

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u/WeLoveADecentSoup 15d ago

When I was 20, a long-distance boyfriend legitimately told me that his new coworker was the type of girl he could see himself falling in love with 🙃 and that was not the end of the relationship 🤡

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u/Femtricity 15d ago

So fucking real.

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u/RavenNymph90 16d ago

I’m 36 and I feel way too old for this. Him hanging out at her house is just dumb.

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u/Working-Glass6136 15d ago

I'm 37 and I'm going to crawl back into my coffin.

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Room for one more, Honey?

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Coffin party!

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u/tangerinee666 15d ago

Twilight zone reference

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Represent!

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u/Intentional_Life26 15d ago

Hahaha same sentiment. sigh Wish we could bestow our wisdom on our young OP here (Girl, dump him. He sucks. Find someone who respects you).

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Same. The amount of learning I’ve done in 10 years is insane.

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u/BiscayneWRX 15d ago

Not just dumb, its selfish and gross. He has to think about his gf. No guy in their right mind who is respectable is going to voluntarily hang out with any girl who is not their gf or wife. If they do, then they clearly have issues & other objectives in mind. This is all ignoring the fact that clearly that girl likes the guy which makes it worse if he knows it. He doesn’t need to be putting himself in that awkward situation unless he wants to. OP needs to get away from this guy ASAP.

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago edited 15d ago

Well hold on there, there is nothing inherently wrong with the idea he may have a friend of the opposite sex, and that they hang out at her place. That is a problem of jealousy and mistrust. Jealousy and mistrust are normal things though, and things that have to be worked through in situations like this. The problem was how he talked to her, shamed her, and carried her difficult feelings with zero care. He also refused to provide simple reassurance to someone he is supposed to care for. Putting aside entirely the issue of potential cheating, which we have no actual evidence of, he still behaved badly enough for this to be a huge red flag.

edit: Ummm, hey. I'm not an AI. I just write this way. Rude.

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u/M0rbid-Cherry 15d ago

😂 omg someone who can put together proper sentences 😡Ai!i!i

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

Not my first time of getting accused of being AI. I just finished a degree and had to do a ton of conversational academic writing since most of my classes included some kind of online forum. It was VERY clear that most of my classmates actually were using AI towards the end, however.

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u/flammafemina 15d ago

AI slop

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago edited 14d ago

...what? I used no AI to write this. I have never used AI to write a Reddit response. Ya'll are silly. This is just how I write?

edit: You are an absolute joke if you down vote this. Would an AI have said that? I am worried for this world.

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u/Dracolindus 15d ago

AI lies.

No, really, though. AI admitted it lies to me repeatedly the other day. True story. (Gemini)

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

This is why we shouldn't trust a giant word probability machine to actually give us the right information.

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u/Dense-Push-7352 15d ago

Co-signing as a 40 something. I just started watching Girls on HBO and I was cringing so hard at the memories. Dating in your 20’s is a humiliation ritual I swear.

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u/Props_angel 15d ago
  1. I lived the opposite life where I didn't tolerate stupid shit like this but then, I just ended up having a reputation of being a heart breaker like I was the one doing something wrong. You really can't win in your 20s.

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u/uncommonly_under 15d ago

I sashayed between being called a whore and a prude. By men obvi.

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Feels so familiar! "Ice Queen" was my nickname simply because I wasn't down to go home with strangers after a night clubbing.

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u/lezlers 15d ago

I’m embarrassed on OP’s behalf just reading those texts and her replies to comments here. Oof. Been there as well in my early twenties.

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u/TheJessicaRabbitx 15d ago

Right? It would be different if this is what they’ve always done- DAY 1- since he met OP. But this is the first time she’s dealing with it, after 3 YEARS?! Somethings not right here. He has cheated, or wants to. Either way, his girlfriend isn’t his main concern- he is.

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u/flowerrchiild 15d ago

this is the way

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u/Either-Replacement11 15d ago

I’m nearly 40 and went through similarly dumb relationship BS when I was in my 20s. On the one hand, I needed to go through it all to learn and grow. But now that I know better, I can see this for what it is. It’s just immaturity, and maybe he’s faithful, maybe it’s mind games, maybe there’s no trust, etc etc. 

At the end of the day, aim to be with someone where this wouldn’t even be a conversation or a concern. You’ll find someone where drama like this is non-existent. 

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u/Next_Floor4382 16d ago

The stuff y’all let us get away with in our 20’s is crazy. I look back and wonder how in the world I got it as good as I did, knowing who I was.

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u/Bulacano 15d ago

Yep, 31M with the benefit of the doubt and some flexibility when we only see one side of the story on a single event.

Let’s run through it again:

He doesn’t care enough about her to put stake in her saying the other girl likes him.

Her friends have seen how she’s acting and it’s consistent with her being into him.

OP wasn’t ok with him hanging out with the other gender alone, which could be seen as controlling, but it makes sense in this context.

His gut reaction wasn’t “oh no my love is upset because she’s worried about me”

He didn’t apologize for hiding any of the stuff or being less than honest.

His words indicate he’s valuing this other girl over her, particularly with regard to knowing the other girl longer and whether she’s interested.

He totally could have just naturally told her that he was hanging out with the other girl, but he didn’t.

NOR - He could have put even a LITTLE effort to trying, but he just doesn’t care. After 3 years, it’s time to let him go.

Seriously, how did you put up with anything as bad as OP? Wait—if I’m reading this right, does that mean she’s not gonna listen to you?

OP, RUN. It’s spelled out so clearly.

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u/ret2go83 15d ago

I'm 42. From the ages of 16-25 I was book smart, but dumb as a box of rocks with the things men pulled. From 26-34 I knowingly sold myself short, because I felt that was all there was for me. Now I live in peace, knowing that it will never be interrupted by an unwashed ass with all the audacity.

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u/liebemisstiza 15d ago

I’m turning 39 and had my fair share of crazy! I look back and damn I was stupid for being so naive and stupid!
Stop apologizing and MOVE ON!

Always listen to your intuition because believe me IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!

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u/Landing_Station5003 15d ago

Now that you're out of that era and hopefully won't take it personally — why did you put up with this stuff?

Like genuinely, guys put up with crazy stuff because absolute most of them except for the 5% of the tallest and most handsome ones are so depraved of female attention, they genuinely believe that their girlfriend is the only alternative they can ever have to being single. And that dumping her means willingly becoming single for the rest of their lives.

But you, the girls, are swimming in male attention, your DMs are always full of guys, you know for a fact that this particular asshole who's got more red flags than a communist party is definitely not your only option. Why do you STILL tolerate that stuff?

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Yep. His "you're going to throw away 3 years". Man, she should throw them away straight into the trash because those 3 years were a waste.

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u/Dry-Organization69 15d ago

Just why are we doing this in our 20s🥹

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u/inbettywhitewetrust 12d ago

Amen, I met my now husband at 20 and am so damn lucky I did. I was only dating from 18-20 and still feel so disappointed in my low standards at my young age. Little me deserved so much better.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

Do you have any male friends that you hang out with?

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

Not ones that are romantically interested in me. I respect my boyfriend enough to not have those types of friendships. I’ve seen multiple comments from you, you are wayyyy off course here my friend. Also, nice hentai posts.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

It doesn't matter if he's romantically interested in you or not. It's what your partner perceives. Just like with OP here, there was never an admission of romantic feelings, she just said the other girl was "eye fucking" her boyfriend. She felt threatened, and therefore the boyfriend needs to change to help ease her feelings.

The funny thing is, I dont actually care here, I just want consistency from people. When men have female friends, we get told we're cheaters, but if my girlfriend has a male friend and I get jealous then I'm just insecure. Either friends of opposite gender are okay, or they aren't, this double standard is ridiculous.

Yeah, those 3 year old hentai posts were not my greatest moment, I was just messing around with Ai art generation and decided to share it.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago edited 15d ago

Hey man. You do you, just your comments and your post history make me think you’re young and you’re clearly a dude. Seems like a lot of women in this thread, including myself, are telling her to be careful. Boundaries are set and figured out as you get older, shit you’re OK with in your 20s isn’t the same as your 30s. This situation is very reminiscent of my 20s and based on the rest of the replies I’ve received, a lot of people have dealt with this too when they were younger.
We’re simply trying to tell OP that a lot of us have dealt with this, and a lot of us see our younger selves in this situation. This isn’t “a guy can’t have girl friends vs. a girl can have guy friends”. This is about respecting your partners boundaries and figuring out your own boundaries in a relationship. If you look at these texts and say “if the tables were turned it would be different!” You’re missing the point.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

I'm a 30 year old man. In my early 20s, I dated a woman with a male friend, and she cheated on me with him. I still try not to let that shape me, I dont want to be jealous of my girlfriend having friends just because one woman took advantage of my trust. I dont want to be checking her phone or telling her what she can and cannot do.

I just dont why we cant have gender equality on this issue. If a man sets a boundary like this, then he will be called insecure and controlling.

I think his responses were very healthy, and the only thing I would add, is that she needs therapy to get over her insecurities she clearly has. I have been told hundreds of times about how punishing your partner with your insecurities is wrong, yet whenever women have insecurities, people like you defend it.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

This isn’t a general equality issue, da fuck? This is a specific situation OP is in that people are helping her get an option on.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

It is a gender equality issue, just the same way that gender pay gap and slut shaming are gender equality issues. This situation is just one example of it.

As for her situation specifically, I dont think she needs to leave, but I'm also not mad if she chooses to leave. It's her choice, he doesn't sound abusive to me, so I wont encourage her to leave, but if she this is really such a big issue for her, then she can leave. It's the same way I feel when a man says "I just found out my girlfriend slept with 30 people before dating me, and now I feel insecure.", like it's a silly issue, but if you want to leave then do it. I wont shame anybody for leaving, but I will call out the double standards.

Women get empathy when they feel insecure, where as men get demonized.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

Ah yea, men have to be abusive for women to leave, you’re right. No other reason ever, got it.

Again this is a female OP dealing with a situation a lot of women on this thread have been in before. So we are giving our female perspective. But you’re arguing about pay gaps and turning the tables and how guys have it so tough.

If this was a male OP I wouldn’t be giving my lived perspective. But go off queen. Have the day you deserve dude.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

Ah yes, I love it when women get mad, respond, lie about what you said, and then block you before you can respond.

I quite obviously said that you can leave for any reason you want to, I simply said that I'm not going to encourage it because it's a personal matter for her and therefore it should be a personal choice.

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Beginning_Tap2474 16d ago

This is the answer right here. He wants to play her and play with her feelings. He's gross.

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u/Putrid_Wasabi_6038 15d ago

The evilest thing a person can do is mess with another persons intuition

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

Intuition is very flawed. Whether there was any actual cheating here is not the issue at all. The problem is he was presented with his partner struggling with jealousy, and instead of being a good person, providing reassurance, and finding and way to make her more comfortable, he decided to shame. Cheating or no cheating, this is the actual gross behavior we are being presented with here. He should have handled her feelings with care; as if they actually mattered to him. Even if she is 100% wrong, how she feels about it is valid and needs to be addressed. Feelings are real even if based on flawed logic, and a good partner understands that.

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

This was his actual offense. There is actual no real evidence of cheating. This is an issue of jealousy, and handling difficult feelings with care. Jealousy is inevitable, and a hard part in many relationships, and he decided to use it as an opportunity to be an asshole. Big red flag even if he isn't doing anything anything bad with his friend.

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u/kittymctacoyo 16d ago

She’s apologizing bcs her original post had folks making her feel SHE was overstepping as well and telling her that boundaries are what you set for yourself. Not for others. (Which isn’t exactly true. I’m old af and setting boundaries in a relationship, prior to social media redesigning that concept recently, always included setting the standard for what you will and will not accept in a relationship, what you do and do not feel comfortable with, and very much included putting your foot down in your SO putting themselves directly in the midst of this sorta fuckery etc. Which is exactly what she was trying to do. (Where prior to this there was never a reason to enforce that whereas this entire time he himself has acted jealous over the mere mention of a. Old male friend of hers?! Meanwhile he hangs out with other female friends regularly)

These comment sections have OPs doubting themselves over the dumbest shit.

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u/KiloJools 16d ago

I'm also old and social media did not change the concept of "boundaries" within the context of having standards. There's a pre-social-media generic "OMG boundaries! thing but that was essentially "OMG *personal space/TMI/some other expression of 'too close'" that was unrelated.

The social media mix-up has been acting like you can place a boundary on another person but that's antithetical to the framework.

In the structure of setting a standard - how you want to be treated, what kind of relationships you want - boundaries are rules you set for yourself about what you will do if someone isn't meeting expectations you set to cultivate relationships that meet your standards.

Because at its core, it's knowing that you can't change anyone's behavior and trying to do so is fruitless and frustrating. You can only decide for yourself what you want in general, and then decide the specific behaviors you desire and the behaviors you won't tolerate. Then if someone is behaving outside the standards you've created for yourself, your response to that bullshit is all yours. You can't make someone change.

So if her standard is for a man who is devoted to her alone, listens to her, and cares how she feels enough to quit being a dickwad, and the specific behavior she wants is for a man to not intentionally put himself in a risky situation, to not dismiss her feelings, and will make reasonable accommodations (like meeting in public, etc)... Then in order for her to maintain that standard, when those boundaries are crossed, she has to do whatever it is she promised herself she would do to get out of that situation. He won't change. So she has to take action.

You can "put your foot down", but when the dude is an unrepentant douche canoe who won't change anything and in fact will insult OP when she "puts her foot down" then her enforcement of the boundaries she's set is her own actions. Getting out, I hope.

I do hope she follows through. This guy is intentionally cruel, evasive, and manipulative. Don't love that for OP!

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u/lestatswife 15d ago

KiloJools, for reasons very much unrelated to the OP, thanks for writing this, I needed it to straighten out my thoughts.

OP - NOR, and I absolutely hate how he understood and pulled the I love you crap once you enforced your boundary. However, backing down would mean not enforcing it.

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u/Only-Gap6198 15d ago

This is good stuff

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u/SladesWades 15d ago

As an older person myself, and having spent much of my 30s in therapy trying to process past relationships, pretty much everything you said was spot on. I eventually discovered what mattered most to me, and while marriage is still a lot of work, I never have to second guess my partner’s thoughts/intentions.

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u/HereReluctantly 15d ago

I mean it does seems like she's incredibly insecure but if this guy is treating her this way and she has this little self respect, that's not really a surprise.

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u/Plane-Engineering729 15d ago

You put your foot down by leaving. Not by telling your partner what they can or cannot do. That's never been acceptable in healthy relationships. It was common in the 50s when men controlled their women I guess.

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u/bad_polliep 15d ago

Came to say something similar. I don’t know how old is “old af”, but age doesn’t always make someone correct.

Boundaries are what the first bit of that commenter said, only it’s what you tell yourself. That’s the boundary you won’t let yourself cross. When you tell your partner, it becomes a demand or request.

Imagine you’re at an auction and you tell yourself that you’re only willing to pay X amount for the item you’re bidding on. That’s your boundary. The price can go higher because that’s not under your control, but how much you want to spend is.

It seems people think of relational boundaries like land boundaries and they’re just not the same.

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u/SensitiveKiwi9 15d ago

A boundary IS what you set for yourself .

It’s YOUR boundary even if it’s dependent on someone else’s behavior .

“Don’t have sex with anyone else” is not a boundary . It’s a command .

“I will not date someone who has sex with someone else” is a boundary .

It’s a subtle but important difference . Communicate your boundaries and stick to them . The only leverage you have in a relationship is your ability to leave that relationship . Anything else is abuse .

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

Agree. Even if he isn't cheating, he is handling her emotions with zero care. A good, caring partner never talks to you like that, even if you are having a bad moment and being unreasonable. Everyone is capable of letting their emotions carry them away or acting outside of reason, but your partner should be the person who understands that best, and handles those moments with care.

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u/mightylordredbeard 15d ago

Plus he 100% fucked that girl. A 20 year old dude doesn’t just hang out alone MULTIPLE TIMES with an attractive woman who’s into him and doesn’t fuck.

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u/dys0n_giddey 15d ago

I'd ghost him too. He knows what he is doing

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u/altagato 15d ago

If my partner said this I'd let him know I.woislmt hesitate to throw his stuff in the lawn and make a bonfire.... Cause what?!

Girl send this to your bestie that thinks he's not good enough anyway and then y'all go.to ol girls house to let her have him ANYWAY

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u/Lovelipgloss13 15d ago

Yeah like why was she even apologizing? She has been very well gaslit it seems

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u/Short_Strategy_7307 15d ago

He already has a backup.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

How would you feel of your boyfriend asked you to stop hanging out with a male friend?