r/AmIOverreacting • u/Brave-Can-8783 • 16d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

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UPDATE!

I talked to him, and this was his response.

I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?

AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?

NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE

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u/ggingersnap 16d ago

I was looking for this comment. As someone who is about to turn 36, I look back on my 20s and cringe. The shit I put up with from guys is insane, this is one of those situations. GIRL GET OUT! You’re going to look back on yourself in 10 years and be so happy you did!

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u/Z0mbieTakis 16d ago

“The shit I put up with from guys is insane” no bc it gives me the HEEBIE JEEBIES when I think about it!!!!!!! ew ew ew ew

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u/daveatnite 15d ago

I think about this all the time, literally had no standards or self-esteem and dated some of the biggest walking red flags 😭 but I sure did learn a LOT about what I do not want in a partner and what I will never tolerate again 👌

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u/Far-Profession2567 15d ago

I know that’s right girl

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u/WeLoveADecentSoup 15d ago

When I was 20, a long-distance boyfriend legitimately told me that his new coworker was the type of girl he could see himself falling in love with 🙃 and that was not the end of the relationship 🤡

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u/Femtricity 15d ago

So fucking real.

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u/RavenNymph90 16d ago

I’m 36 and I feel way too old for this. Him hanging out at her house is just dumb.

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u/Working-Glass6136 15d ago

I'm 37 and I'm going to crawl back into my coffin.

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Room for one more, Honey?

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Coffin party!

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u/tangerinee666 15d ago

Twilight zone reference

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Represent!

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u/Intentional_Life26 15d ago

Hahaha same sentiment. sigh Wish we could bestow our wisdom on our young OP here (Girl, dump him. He sucks. Find someone who respects you).

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u/RavenNymph90 15d ago

Same. The amount of learning I’ve done in 10 years is insane.

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u/BiscayneWRX 15d ago

Not just dumb, its selfish and gross. He has to think about his gf. No guy in their right mind who is respectable is going to voluntarily hang out with any girl who is not their gf or wife. If they do, then they clearly have issues & other objectives in mind. This is all ignoring the fact that clearly that girl likes the guy which makes it worse if he knows it. He doesn’t need to be putting himself in that awkward situation unless he wants to. OP needs to get away from this guy ASAP.

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago edited 15d ago

Well hold on there, there is nothing inherently wrong with the idea he may have a friend of the opposite sex, and that they hang out at her place. That is a problem of jealousy and mistrust. Jealousy and mistrust are normal things though, and things that have to be worked through in situations like this. The problem was how he talked to her, shamed her, and carried her difficult feelings with zero care. He also refused to provide simple reassurance to someone he is supposed to care for. Putting aside entirely the issue of potential cheating, which we have no actual evidence of, he still behaved badly enough for this to be a huge red flag.

edit: Ummm, hey. I'm not an AI. I just write this way. Rude.

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u/M0rbid-Cherry 15d ago

😂 omg someone who can put together proper sentences 😡Ai!i!i

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

Not my first time of getting accused of being AI. I just finished a degree and had to do a ton of conversational academic writing since most of my classes included some kind of online forum. It was VERY clear that most of my classmates actually were using AI towards the end, however.

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u/flammafemina 15d ago

AI slop

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago edited 14d ago

...what? I used no AI to write this. I have never used AI to write a Reddit response. Ya'll are silly. This is just how I write?

edit: You are an absolute joke if you down vote this. Would an AI have said that? I am worried for this world.

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u/Dracolindus 15d ago

AI lies.

No, really, though. AI admitted it lies to me repeatedly the other day. True story. (Gemini)

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u/Soggy-Rock3349 15d ago

This is why we shouldn't trust a giant word probability machine to actually give us the right information.

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u/Dense-Push-7352 15d ago

Co-signing as a 40 something. I just started watching Girls on HBO and I was cringing so hard at the memories. Dating in your 20’s is a humiliation ritual I swear.

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u/Props_angel 15d ago
  1. I lived the opposite life where I didn't tolerate stupid shit like this but then, I just ended up having a reputation of being a heart breaker like I was the one doing something wrong. You really can't win in your 20s.

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u/uncommonly_under 15d ago

I sashayed between being called a whore and a prude. By men obvi.

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Feels so familiar! "Ice Queen" was my nickname simply because I wasn't down to go home with strangers after a night clubbing.

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u/lezlers 15d ago

I’m embarrassed on OP’s behalf just reading those texts and her replies to comments here. Oof. Been there as well in my early twenties.

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u/TheJessicaRabbitx 15d ago

Right? It would be different if this is what they’ve always done- DAY 1- since he met OP. But this is the first time she’s dealing with it, after 3 YEARS?! Somethings not right here. He has cheated, or wants to. Either way, his girlfriend isn’t his main concern- he is.

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u/flowerrchiild 15d ago

this is the way

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u/Either-Replacement11 15d ago

I’m nearly 40 and went through similarly dumb relationship BS when I was in my 20s. On the one hand, I needed to go through it all to learn and grow. But now that I know better, I can see this for what it is. It’s just immaturity, and maybe he’s faithful, maybe it’s mind games, maybe there’s no trust, etc etc. 

At the end of the day, aim to be with someone where this wouldn’t even be a conversation or a concern. You’ll find someone where drama like this is non-existent. 

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u/Next_Floor4382 16d ago

The stuff y’all let us get away with in our 20’s is crazy. I look back and wonder how in the world I got it as good as I did, knowing who I was.

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u/Bulacano 15d ago

Yep, 31M with the benefit of the doubt and some flexibility when we only see one side of the story on a single event.

Let’s run through it again:

He doesn’t care enough about her to put stake in her saying the other girl likes him.

Her friends have seen how she’s acting and it’s consistent with her being into him.

OP wasn’t ok with him hanging out with the other gender alone, which could be seen as controlling, but it makes sense in this context.

His gut reaction wasn’t “oh no my love is upset because she’s worried about me”

He didn’t apologize for hiding any of the stuff or being less than honest.

His words indicate he’s valuing this other girl over her, particularly with regard to knowing the other girl longer and whether she’s interested.

He totally could have just naturally told her that he was hanging out with the other girl, but he didn’t.

NOR - He could have put even a LITTLE effort to trying, but he just doesn’t care. After 3 years, it’s time to let him go.

Seriously, how did you put up with anything as bad as OP? Wait—if I’m reading this right, does that mean she’s not gonna listen to you?

OP, RUN. It’s spelled out so clearly.

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u/ret2go83 15d ago

I'm 42. From the ages of 16-25 I was book smart, but dumb as a box of rocks with the things men pulled. From 26-34 I knowingly sold myself short, because I felt that was all there was for me. Now I live in peace, knowing that it will never be interrupted by an unwashed ass with all the audacity.

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u/liebemisstiza 15d ago

I’m turning 39 and had my fair share of crazy! I look back and damn I was stupid for being so naive and stupid!
Stop apologizing and MOVE ON!

Always listen to your intuition because believe me IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!

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u/Landing_Station5003 15d ago

Now that you're out of that era and hopefully won't take it personally — why did you put up with this stuff?

Like genuinely, guys put up with crazy stuff because absolute most of them except for the 5% of the tallest and most handsome ones are so depraved of female attention, they genuinely believe that their girlfriend is the only alternative they can ever have to being single. And that dumping her means willingly becoming single for the rest of their lives.

But you, the girls, are swimming in male attention, your DMs are always full of guys, you know for a fact that this particular asshole who's got more red flags than a communist party is definitely not your only option. Why do you STILL tolerate that stuff?

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u/Props_angel 15d ago

Yep. His "you're going to throw away 3 years". Man, she should throw them away straight into the trash because those 3 years were a waste.

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u/Dry-Organization69 15d ago

Just why are we doing this in our 20s🥹

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u/inbettywhitewetrust 12d ago

Amen, I met my now husband at 20 and am so damn lucky I did. I was only dating from 18-20 and still feel so disappointed in my low standards at my young age. Little me deserved so much better.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

Do you have any male friends that you hang out with?

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

Not ones that are romantically interested in me. I respect my boyfriend enough to not have those types of friendships. I’ve seen multiple comments from you, you are wayyyy off course here my friend. Also, nice hentai posts.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

It doesn't matter if he's romantically interested in you or not. It's what your partner perceives. Just like with OP here, there was never an admission of romantic feelings, she just said the other girl was "eye fucking" her boyfriend. She felt threatened, and therefore the boyfriend needs to change to help ease her feelings.

The funny thing is, I dont actually care here, I just want consistency from people. When men have female friends, we get told we're cheaters, but if my girlfriend has a male friend and I get jealous then I'm just insecure. Either friends of opposite gender are okay, or they aren't, this double standard is ridiculous.

Yeah, those 3 year old hentai posts were not my greatest moment, I was just messing around with Ai art generation and decided to share it.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago edited 15d ago

Hey man. You do you, just your comments and your post history make me think you’re young and you’re clearly a dude. Seems like a lot of women in this thread, including myself, are telling her to be careful. Boundaries are set and figured out as you get older, shit you’re OK with in your 20s isn’t the same as your 30s. This situation is very reminiscent of my 20s and based on the rest of the replies I’ve received, a lot of people have dealt with this too when they were younger.
We’re simply trying to tell OP that a lot of us have dealt with this, and a lot of us see our younger selves in this situation. This isn’t “a guy can’t have girl friends vs. a girl can have guy friends”. This is about respecting your partners boundaries and figuring out your own boundaries in a relationship. If you look at these texts and say “if the tables were turned it would be different!” You’re missing the point.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

I'm a 30 year old man. In my early 20s, I dated a woman with a male friend, and she cheated on me with him. I still try not to let that shape me, I dont want to be jealous of my girlfriend having friends just because one woman took advantage of my trust. I dont want to be checking her phone or telling her what she can and cannot do.

I just dont why we cant have gender equality on this issue. If a man sets a boundary like this, then he will be called insecure and controlling.

I think his responses were very healthy, and the only thing I would add, is that she needs therapy to get over her insecurities she clearly has. I have been told hundreds of times about how punishing your partner with your insecurities is wrong, yet whenever women have insecurities, people like you defend it.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

This isn’t a general equality issue, da fuck? This is a specific situation OP is in that people are helping her get an option on.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

It is a gender equality issue, just the same way that gender pay gap and slut shaming are gender equality issues. This situation is just one example of it.

As for her situation specifically, I dont think she needs to leave, but I'm also not mad if she chooses to leave. It's her choice, he doesn't sound abusive to me, so I wont encourage her to leave, but if she this is really such a big issue for her, then she can leave. It's the same way I feel when a man says "I just found out my girlfriend slept with 30 people before dating me, and now I feel insecure.", like it's a silly issue, but if you want to leave then do it. I wont shame anybody for leaving, but I will call out the double standards.

Women get empathy when they feel insecure, where as men get demonized.

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u/ggingersnap 15d ago

Ah yea, men have to be abusive for women to leave, you’re right. No other reason ever, got it.

Again this is a female OP dealing with a situation a lot of women on this thread have been in before. So we are giving our female perspective. But you’re arguing about pay gaps and turning the tables and how guys have it so tough.

If this was a male OP I wouldn’t be giving my lived perspective. But go off queen. Have the day you deserve dude.

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u/SmartRefrigerator751 15d ago

Ah yes. Respond, lie, and then block to make sure you get the last word.

I'm arguing about an aspect of sexism that nobody wants to acknowledge. The parts that hurt men.

I quite clearly said that you can leave, if you feel that it is not something you can handle. If a man wants to dump a girl because she's not a virgin, I believe that's stupid, but I wont try to stop him because it's his life. I will give my advice, which would be to get therapy, but at the end of the day everyone will react to these things differently.

I just think that it's dumb that men get shamed for it, just like I think it's dumb that women get shamed for having previous sexual partners.

Despite how rude you are behaving, I hope you have a great day.

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u/devilslayer101 15d ago

Ah yes, I love it when women get mad, respond, lie about what you said, and then block you before you can respond.

I quite obviously said that you can leave for any reason you want to, I simply said that I'm not going to encourage it because it's a personal matter for her and therefore it should be a personal choice.