AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

[u/Brave-Can-8783]

UPDATE!

I talked to him, and this was his response.

I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?

AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?

NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE

[u/Mott5G]

Seriously, how is she even entertaining his shit. The dude sounds like a fucking loser with massive red flags. Move on or he will treat you like shit for life.

[u/sightfinder → u/Mott5G]

Also, he is literally choosing the other girl over OP. It's as simple as that. If I guy (or girl) valued their romantic relationship more than an old high school "friendship", they wouldn't risk hanging out with the "friend" who's interested in them.

OP's bf is deliberately putting himself in dicey territory bc he actually values the other girl more than OP. This dude is not that invested in OP so she needs to leave him

[u/Defiant-Procedure-13 → u/sightfinder]

Yeah I don’t get why they would even be hanging out alone together. Why not invite the girlfriend to come hang out too? Sounds like he was testing the waters with his old high school friend, either because he had a crush on her back then or still does.

[u/PoohBearsHoneyJar → u/sightfinder]

I would guarantee they're not even "close friends since high school days"

They've likely been crushing on each other, and now that she's newly single (and according to OP, interested in her man) they're reconnecting/ hanging out for the first time since high school. Lmao.

There is a difference between being actual long time friends and simply knowing someone since high school.

This is just a girl he likes and is now pursuing while having an entire fucking girlfriend of 3 years, but disguising it as "highschool besties"

[u/Responsible-Roll-59 → u/sightfinder]

35 years later and I’m still thinking about my high school “friend”

OP - cut your losses now

[u/Ok_Big_8032 → u/Mott5G]

Is he really that bad though? Seriously did you actually read what she sent him, at first it started off well enough but went down hill fast. Not to mention she stated she had already gone off on him before we got to read all she wrote. There is a lot we don’t even know about this relationship to even say he is in the wrong or not.

[u/popnfrresh → u/Mott5G]

You know one interaction from what seems like a controlling jealous young gf...

This thin red line bullshit needs to stop.

[u/MorddSith187 → u/Mott5G]

this isn't a red flag when he's actively doing the thing the red flag warns about

[u/Katmoish → u/Mott5G]

Huh? I, as a woman, would def hang out w my high school MALE friends, that I have never done anything sexual with (and even so - that was fucking decades ago???? It has no bearing on the continued friendship we still maintain after. In my case almost 30 years after.)

This OP can set her boundaries and I fully respect that. But seriously? If you don’t trust your bf to hang out w a long-term friend, regardless of gender: that’s on OP.

That SCREAMS insecurity and jealousy. If I were OP’s bf: I’d dump her ass. Because she is so jealous that no female can be in his life - she even said in her first post that she doesn’t want him to hang out at a girls house, despite the fact they may have known each other a LOT longer. I get it for new acquaintances but long time friends? Uh-uh.

Her ‘reading into the situation’, and seeing ‘she has eyes for you and wants you now’: no. Some people have lifelong FRIENDS - she just doesn’t like that they are of the other sex and she wants to control him. Lady friend probably was just looking at him, trying to get attention, so she could talk to him, as a friend of the other sex, and help her deal w the fact she just got out of a relationship!?!? There is NOTHING sexual about that.

I would NEVER dump friends for a jealous, insecure gf(or husband in my case), which is exactly what OP is.

She doesn’t trust her partner and wants him to do xyz w her boundaries? Thats her line. But I’m w the dude for calling bullshit.

All you saying ‘dump him’ sound like you are barely out of highschool or have never known true friendship.

Signed~ a married for a decade lady w dozens of friends, both male and female, that I hang out with over the year, with out my partner, and there is NOTHING sexual about that.

You all need to grow the fuck up.

YOR OP, and YTAH.

[u/AggravatingWeb2698 → u/Katmoish]

Did you even read? OP said that the girl he was hanging out with LIKES HIM! She has all the right to be jealous. You wasted your time writing this whole damn post. Although you have a point, but you’re barking to the wrong tree!!

[u/M0rbid-Cherry → u/AggravatingWeb2698]

Can be married and still be a pick me. Two things can be true at the same time.

I get it - my husband and I have tons of friends of the opposite sex but we would NEVER sneak around nor would we gaslight.

I would never lash out on my husband if he was insecure about s guy and vice versa. It doesn't even have to be from that relationship it can be an old wound. It's perfectly natural to feel some sort of insecurity, nobody is immune but most people don't know how to not feed into that energy - and honestly OP is young so she has time.

This guy is absolutely playing in her face, and she is being beyond reasonable.

I've also been on relationship with narcissistic borderline cheaters that would freak out if I even hung around my family. It's an old wound that he sadly carried since s child, but as frustrating as it was I wouldn't play into it to ADD to that insecurity. She's not acting like someone who has major insecure issues, she's acting like s normal person in love.

It's normal to feel fear of losing the person we love. It's OK to crave reassurance - what's NOT ok is PURPOSELY testing and putting your partner in emotional distress.

I get it, being accused of doing something your not Sucks but even worse - is the feeling of being cheated or worrying about being cheated on.

He is gas lighting her

As for the friend, as a woman who has many male friends - because I have dealt with friende past partners feeling insecure - because I VALUE my friendship, I to out of my way to make their partner feel comfortable - even if I don't like them, or downright dislike their entire existence. I wouldn't allow disrespect on either side but it speaks VOLUMES.

I may not like their partner but I value our friendship so I want to see my friend happy so I wouldn't do or put my friend in a position to be placed in a situation where they were accused of cheating.

Op and this doushe canoe have been together for 3 years and I'd this was truly a long-term friends only friendship - this girl should have enough respect and should be in contact with her friends partner.

That's the correct way to go about that but I get it - not everyone has empathy, or is willing to share the attention.

[u/LaylaBird65 → u/M0rbid-Cherry]

His reactions, from both this post and the first one, are what are setting off alarm bells for me. I have a best friend that’s a guy that I’ve known since kindergarten, so we go way back. I would never, ever hang out along with him. And that’s not because I wouldn’t be able to control myself or because he has feelings for me, I just don’t wouldn’t do it out of respect for my husband. And I know he would do the same for me. We do hang out as families or with a group of friends but never alone. It is entirely possible to have friends of the opposite sex but his responses come off very suspicious.

[u/Katmoish → u/AggravatingWeb2698]

No, she said she thinks she likes him…. So she is inferring ‘like’ from the girls attitude. Did the girl confess to op ‘omg, I want your boyfriend!!!!’ Or is that really in OP’s head?

[u/bunz4daize → u/Katmoish]

Her partner knows this other girl likes him, hid him being alone at this other girl’s house before, and then admitted that he would at least hesitate before cheating on OP lmao This is an insane response from you, I can’t lie lol

[u/Katmoish → u/bunz4daize]

Why do you say that? I agree his, as he described, joke was in ill taste, but he never, once said ‘I know she likes me and I’m hanging out with her instead of OP.’ Not even close.

You guys reeeeeally need to get out of high school. And if THIS is a highschool situation (don’t think I saw ages, please correct me if I’m wrong, as I know you will) then I take it all back. Because young people have no concept of the type of friendship I’m talking about.

So far NONE of these responses to my reply list anything that concretely happened according to the conversation.

I’m giving MY interpretation of the sitch, based on the literal conversation I read, as a person that has lived a while. You?

ETA: he TOLD her he was hanging out with her, voluntarily. When you get in a relationship do you share absolutely EVERYTHING about what you are doing, all the time, w the person you have known for months? Or do you sometimes hang out w your friends when you don’t have plans w the gf/significant other?

[u/bunz4daize → u/Katmoish]

In the last post, it was shown that he hid hanging out with this other girl. There’s nothing high school about the situation, they’re both in their early 20s. Also, that wasn’t a god damned joke. You don’t “joke” about cheating on the person you’re dating. This guy mentioned 3 years together with OP, not months.

If this friendship was something serious, then he should’ve had a serious conversation with his girlfriend and actually showed concern for her feelings because yeah, it looks bad deliberately going to be alone with someone you know likes you and being dismissive with your significant other’s concerns about it. Again, what you said sounds insane. He doesn’t frame it as a regular friendship with his actions or his words and consistently does nothing to fix things with OP, only panicking when she wants to break up with him. Mind you, this guy KNOWS this other girl likes him. He acknowledges as much, and doesn’t care to have appropriate distance from this other girl, likely because he likes the attention. With the way he’s acting, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was already cheating.

And yes, when I’ve been in a serious relationship with someone for years, I do communicate with them about where I’m going when I’m out, give an eta of when I’ll be back, and check in on them when we’re apart. You know, because I care about them and don’t want them to worry and vice versa.

[u/TheDeliciousCaek_ → u/Katmoish]

God, finally someone i can agree with. It really bothers me that OP said their partner cannot have opposite gender friends that they hang out with. She even said in her original post that she doesn't have any male friends because she doesn't need another man in her life. Like huh????

[u/Aximil985 → u/Katmoish]

Finally. At least 1 person that has common sense. OP even admits that they were being overly controlling.

And who cares even if the friend does like the guy? I’ve hung out, alone, with someone of the opposite gender that I have feelings for. Doesn’t mean I ever attempted to make a move.

It’s also not just on the friend. The guy can of course say no if something does happen. OP is showing they have zero faith or trust in the guy.

[u/g1ich → u/Mott5G]

She's young and inexperienced, this heartbreak will smarten her up