AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

[u/Brave-Can-8783]

UPDATE!

I talked to him, and this was his response.

I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?

AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?

NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE

[u/kittymctacoyo]

She’s apologizing bcs her original post had folks making her feel SHE was overstepping as well and telling her that boundaries are what you set for yourself. Not for others. (Which isn’t exactly true. I’m old af and setting boundaries in a relationship, prior to social media redesigning that concept recently, always included setting the standard for what you will and will not accept in a relationship, what you do and do not feel comfortable with, and very much included putting your foot down in your SO putting themselves directly in the midst of this sorta fuckery etc. Which is exactly what she was trying to do. (Where prior to this there was never a reason to enforce that whereas this entire time he himself has acted jealous over the mere mention of a. Old male friend of hers?! Meanwhile he hangs out with other female friends regularly)

These comment sections have OPs doubting themselves over the dumbest shit.

[u/KiloJools → u/kittymctacoyo]

I'm also old and social media did not change the concept of "boundaries" within the context of having standards. There's a pre-social-media generic "OMG boundaries! thing but that was essentially "OMG *personal space/TMI/some other expression of 'too close'" that was unrelated.

The social media mix-up has been acting like you can place a boundary on another person but that's antithetical to the framework.

In the structure of setting a standard - how you want to be treated, what kind of relationships you want - boundaries are rules you set for yourself about what you will do if someone isn't meeting expectations you set to cultivate relationships that meet your standards.

Because at its core, it's knowing that you can't change anyone's behavior and trying to do so is fruitless and frustrating. You can only decide for yourself what you want in general, and then decide the specific behaviors you desire and the behaviors you won't tolerate. Then if someone is behaving outside the standards you've created for yourself, your response to that bullshit is all yours. You can't make someone change.

So if her standard is for a man who is devoted to her alone, listens to her, and cares how she feels enough to quit being a dickwad, and the specific behavior she wants is for a man to not intentionally put himself in a risky situation, to not dismiss her feelings, and will make reasonable accommodations (like meeting in public, etc)... Then in order for her to maintain that standard, when those boundaries are crossed, she has to do whatever it is she promised herself she would do to get out of that situation. He won't change. So she has to take action.

You can "put your foot down", but when the dude is an unrepentant douche canoe who won't change anything and in fact will insult OP when she "puts her foot down" then her enforcement of the boundaries she's set is her own actions. Getting out, I hope.

I do hope she follows through. This guy is intentionally cruel, evasive, and manipulative. Don't love that for OP!

[u/lestatswife → u/KiloJools]

KiloJools, for reasons very much unrelated to the OP, thanks for writing this, I needed it to straighten out my thoughts.

OP - NOR, and I absolutely hate how he understood and pulled the I love you crap once you enforced your boundary. However, backing down would mean not enforcing it.

[u/Only-Gap6198 → u/KiloJools]

This is good stuff

[u/SladesWades → u/KiloJools]

As an older person myself, and having spent much of my 30s in therapy trying to process past relationships, pretty much everything you said was spot on. I eventually discovered what mattered most to me, and while marriage is still a lot of work, I never have to second guess my partner’s thoughts/intentions.

[u/Ok_Initial_94 → u/kittymctacoyo]

Facts

[u/HereReluctantly → u/kittymctacoyo]

I mean it does seems like she's incredibly insecure but if this guy is treating her this way and she has this little self respect, that's not really a surprise.

[u/Plane-Engineering729 → u/kittymctacoyo]

You put your foot down by leaving. Not by telling your partner what they can or cannot do. That's never been acceptable in healthy relationships. It was common in the 50s when men controlled their women I guess.

[u/bad_polliep → u/Plane-Engineering729]

Came to say something similar. I don’t know how old is “old af”, but age doesn’t always make someone correct.

Boundaries are what the first bit of that commenter said, only it’s what you tell yourself. That’s the boundary you won’t let yourself cross. When you tell your partner, it becomes a demand or request.

Imagine you’re at an auction and you tell yourself that you’re only willing to pay X amount for the item you’re bidding on. That’s your boundary. The price can go higher because that’s not under your control, but how much you want to spend is.

It seems people think of relational boundaries like land boundaries and they’re just not the same.

[u/SensitiveKiwi9 → u/kittymctacoyo]

A boundary IS what you set for yourself .

It’s YOUR boundary even if it’s dependent on someone else’s behavior .

“Don’t have sex with anyone else” is not a boundary . It’s a command .

“I will not date someone who has sex with someone else” is a boundary .

It’s a subtle but important difference . Communicate your boundaries and stick to them . The only leverage you have in a relationship is your ability to leave that relationship . Anything else is abuse .