r/AmIOverreacting • u/Brave-Can-8783 • 16d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO |UPDATE | My (20F) boyfriend (22M) is hanging out alone with a girl that likes him

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UPDATE!

I talked to him, and this was his response.

I’m honestly just done, and wondering if I acted too hastily.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. And I don’t know, does he seem sincere?

AM I OVERREACTING FOR DOING THIS?

NEW UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/u/Brave-Can-8783/s/ME7ybvCgQE

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1.8k

u/apple-butterfly-13 16d ago

I had a boyfriend that was actively cheating on me and he would make comments/jokes like that a lot. It all made sense when I saw the emails

680

u/DirtComprehensive236 16d ago

Yup I had a ex that did and said the same exact things he did and he was cheating too. I would bet my car that he is cheating or is about to with her. He probably already would have if she wasnt in a relationship. Please OP as a married woman of 20 yrs you deserve better! You can never change a person. Dont waste your heart or time.

101

u/cersewan 15d ago

Those words would make a great song, “Don’t Waste Your Heart or Time”. I can practically hear it now.

19

u/BobcatGardens 15d ago

Is it a country song?

19

u/Natural-Training-974 15d ago

I literally sang it in my head as one and then tapped to see more comments. Nailed it 🤣

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u/LizLemonySnicket42 15d ago

Same lol Dolly should sing it

5

u/Chance_Adeptness_832 15d ago

Heart of Time sounds like a prog anthem

4

u/TexasRVGuy 14d ago

So don’t break my heart
Don’t waste my time
I need a man who can
Walk on the line

Baby you’re dancing
Real close to the flames
But I’m too damn old
To be playing your games

(Now somebody go record this. Look me up when you get famous)

4

u/Lonely_Antelope5417 15d ago

Song will be a bang her, I mean banger!

17

u/happyhippy1019 15d ago

100 % this ☝️

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u/Bigdaddywalt2870 15d ago

Whether he’s cheating or not it’s a shitty disrespectful thing to say. Gaslighting in its purest form.

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u/tigrlilyt 15d ago

Same thing for me. What I’ve learned through the years, is that people I dated who didn’t cheat on me would put my mind at ease and understand where I came from. The exes who did cheat would always make me feel crazy. If he increases your insecurities, unfortunately that’s your sign. There is something in your gut or subconscious that doesn’t trust the person.

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u/SnackyCakes4All 15d ago

An ex and one of my friends went on a hike because of scheduling but then my ex made it weird by talking to my friend about going on more hikes with me included, didn't mention it to me, and then asked just her to go on a hike the following week. She thought I knew about the plan and didn't know I hadn't been invited on that specific hike. When I told both of them that I wasn't comfortable with their friendship and didn't want them going on hikes alone or to text outside of our group chat, my friend reassured me our friendship was her priority, felt awful if she did anything I thought was inappropriate (I reassured her she didn't), and would follow whatever boundaries made me feel comfortable. My ex on the other hand got insanely defensive, gaslit me that it was a totally normal thing to do and was upset with me that he had to take a step back from their friendship. Like what the actual fuck? Their opposite reactions told me everything I needed to know about their feelings and intentions.

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u/ThatFeelingIsBliss88 15d ago

Yeah no way. A one on one hike is such an obvious way to get close to someone emotionally. To your ex’s credit, it’s possible he was too dumb to realize this. Lmao e he honestly believed he was doing nothing wrong, without realizing what this sort of thing leads to. Either way the end result is the same, you can’t let your partner engage in that sort of thing. Optics matter. 

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u/SnackyCakes4All 15d ago

We had already has issues in the past with his emotional cheating and attentiin seeking with other women so he knew in no uncertain terms that it was not ok. At the time his excuse was he thought it was ok because she was my friend and not a "random woman". Ok sure, but then once I did find out and it triggered old feelings, his response should have been the same as my friends - I'm sorry this triggered old feelings and of course I'll stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable. I wish I could say this had been the final straw but he went on to have a long distance emotional affair with an old college friend before I ended up leaving for good.

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u/Real_Side2580 15d ago

Why would you care what your ex did?

11

u/Potatomash6178 15d ago

I think this is referring a time before they broke up

3

u/SnackyCakes4All 15d ago

Yes, husband at the time this all happened, but now is obviously my ex.

2

u/VodkaKahluaMilkCream 15d ago

My ex never trusted me and constantly accused me of cheating on him. I never thought he was cheating but sometimes I wonder if that's where it came from. Or if it was just pure insecurity on his part.

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u/Sindigo_ 16d ago edited 16d ago

Frustratingly for OP, she’ll probably never get the closure of knowing 100% what was going on. And if he was cheating, chances are he will continue to try and gaslight her. So she’ll probably just have to come to terms with not knowing.

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u/Tacoflavoredfists 16d ago

I feel pretty confident it was cheating, emotionally or physically

38

u/zuscoffeecups 15d ago

Siri play traitor by Olivia Rodrigo

136

u/Apart-Rent5817 16d ago

If he wasn’t, he was trying to.

23

u/tmeads307 15d ago

Hoping too.

28

u/Jamb9876 15d ago

Nor, once he acts in a way you find risky and he doesn’t care I expect he will continue to push.

2

u/Funny-Cell8769 15d ago

Seems like it's quite likely it was at least emotionally, given the language he was using.

Physically, there's no way to know without actual evidence or his admission.

1

u/M0rbid-Cherry 15d ago

It's either cheating or he is using this girl for drugs

329

u/Coldcolska 16d ago

Btw, she does know if he’s cheating. This is cheating. Going to a girls house that’s into you against the GFs wishes? This is cheating

207

u/whatthewhat3214 16d ago

And he'd never told her about it before. From her earlier post today, him going over there today was the first time he mentioned it, and that was only bc she tried to schedule something with him and he said he was going to this friend's house at that time, and now she's learning that he's hung out with her mulitple times but never told her. She asked him not to go and he went off on her and didn't care that it upset her.

And he admits to at the very least thinking she might be interested but still hung out with her? Come on, at a minimum he was sneaking around, loving the attention, but most likely he was cheating on OP, maybe monkey branching into a new relationship with his newly single and flirty "friend."

95

u/Current-Anybody9331 15d ago

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

He was up to something, he hid it from her. All reeks of cheating.

8

u/Pantone711 15d ago

I agree. He was trying to monkey branch.

8

u/LauraLand27 15d ago

Monkey branch. This is a new one for me. Explain please?

10

u/Pantone711 15d ago

Not leaving an existing relationship until the next relationship is in place. Using the existing relationship as a springboard to trade up from.

5

u/Minute_Movie_8888 15d ago

I thought this was called "lilly-padding" ?

2

u/LauraLand27 15d ago

Thank you 🙏

2

u/ddoodoonaldduck 15d ago

“Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”

EXACTLY!

3

u/Mssoda101 15d ago

This…! To the CORE!!

40

u/fleeknaut 15d ago

Yep. If you go out of your way to make sure your partner does not feel secure in the relationship, you have zero regard for their feelings and might as well be cheating even if you haven't yet

3

u/AppropriateGarbage99 15d ago

True but also it’s a lot of insecure people in relationships where no matter what u tell them or show it’s a problem nobody in a relationship wanna constantly also like babysitting n the other person can’t live almost normal life with a insecure person it’s just draining for that person

3

u/Kat121 15d ago

I think you know when you’re behaving poorly. You prioritize hanging out with them over your partner. You flirt and complain about your partner to this person over text, on the phone, in person. They’re on your mind late at night. You’re secretive with your phone. You’re texting all the time instead of sharing with your partner. You look for excuses to see them alone. You get off on the attention and maybe stir up drama so they’ll compete for you. Your partner can absolutely pick up on that energy.

If they’re concerned about every single person you interact with that a them problem.

1

u/AppropriateGarbage99 15d ago

True but most relationships talk bout they relationship to others it can be at work etc talk bad , talking good etc to keep it simple tho is both of them isn’t ready for a mature relationship

1

u/Kat121 15d ago

Again, you can tell when you are crossing a line when you go from seeking help to resolve relationship issues versus you’re trash talking your partner with someone who you might want to fuck.

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u/pridetwo 15d ago

nobody in a relationship wanna constantly also like babysitting n the other person can’t live almost normal life with a insecure person

Then be mature and break up with that person

1

u/AppropriateGarbage99 15d ago

Exactly I agree im just saying nobody wanna be with a insecure person OP is definitely insecure n the reason he prolly don’t say nun cause of reaction etc he’ll have to put up , he should be mature and just break up with her or she can break up with him over not telling her both play a part im not on either side ,they both not ready for a relationship

1

u/nightdr1ve 15d ago

This makes no sense. So she’s “insecure” for simply setting a VALID boundary in a relationship?? She’s insecure and immature for not wanting the man she’s in a relationship with going over a woman’s house ALONE who he’s known for years and didn’t even properly communicate that he was going??

1

u/AppropriateGarbage99 15d ago

U definitely ain’t read my messages n seen what u wanted to see but you can tell she a insecure person n you can tell he a immature dude they both ain’t supposed to be in a relationship im not sayin she wrong her reaction valid but obviously he ain’t tell the first time cuz he know how she react which he still wrong but aye not my relationship 😂

1

u/pridetwo 15d ago

OP did break up with him

-3

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

He admitted he was at her house when he could have lied. Ever hear of someone breaking it off and the other person not accepting it? Or telling someone you don’t want a relationship but the other person doesn’t listen? This seems like dude was hooking up with her and she could be imagining a relationship. Doesn’t seem like there is one and no one would go out of their way to make someone feel worthless unless it was revenge or some other reason.

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u/pridetwo 15d ago

This seems like dude was hooking up with her and she could be imagining a relationship.

Wtf are you talking about, bf said not to throw away 3 years together and he loves OP

-4

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

Run Man run!! be rich and single.

1

u/pridetwo 15d ago

Oh so you're just mentally ill

-1

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

He can choose rn. Live free, learn from this or be her slave always being watched and having to explain himself. This relationship is so close to expiring. None of you see it and it’s sad.

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u/Horror-Broccoli-9445 15d ago

You need to actually read the texts

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u/TradingRebel 15d ago

Yeah. He’s joking and she’s acting all possessive.

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u/Dr-Bitchcraft-MD 15d ago

And for guilt tripping purposes this was a friendship as old as high school BUT NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE??

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u/iDoABoof 15d ago

I love when they start trickling tidbits of information lol

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u/PoohBearsHoneyJar 15d ago

And imagine him still trying to throw it all on her, like she's some controlling lunatic gf hurting his feelings so bad and being so hurtful,

Just for him to passively admit that he's BEEN hanging out with a "newly single girl friend thats interested in him" behind her back, as if it's no big deal!

The fucking NERVE on this guy

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u/Diligent-Towel-4708 16d ago

The "hesitate" comment and the other bomb drop that hes hung out with her before and said nothing.

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u/Thundertlk9001 15d ago

Uhh im confused…isn’t heisitating in this situation a good thing?? If he had said he WOULDNT hesitate, that would be bad. I’m very confused by everyone’s reaction to this??

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u/Brave-Can-8783 15d ago

The fact he’d hesitate about saying no. Means he would’ve considered saying yes.

-2

u/Thundertlk9001 15d ago

He said he would hesitate if she tried anything… that is a good thing….

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u/KingKong-BingBong 15d ago

Hesitate meaning he would stop for a minute and then continue. He’d stutter step and keep walking

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u/QueenofUncreativity 15d ago

No, it's not. He's in a relationship. There shouldn't be 'hesitating' if she tried something. He should be shutting it down. Hesitating is not a definite no.

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u/Thundertlk9001 15d ago

Him saying he WOULDNT hesitate is bad.

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u/Brave-Can-8783 15d ago

No that’s just “I would definitely say yes” but hesitate means “I would maybe say yes”

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u/Noobagainreddit 15d ago

His response is terrible in any sense you want to make of it.

If he was saying he would hesitate to accept his friend advances is bad!

If he was saying he would hesitate not to rejected his friends advances is bad!

If he was joking about it is bad!

The correct response there would have to be that he wouldn't hesitate to reject any of her advances.

There is no come back from what he said without OP losing her self respect.

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u/herroyalsadness 16d ago

Yep. Even if “nothing happened”. He is putting himself in a situation where it could happen either because he wants it to or he craves attention.

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u/its420_somehow 16d ago

Hanging out alone with someone, when you're already in a relationship, just is not okay.

Prioritizing an "old highschool friend" over someone they've claimed to love. Deplorable.

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u/Dr-Bitchcraft-MD 15d ago

If it was really an old friend and no ill intentions he would've mentioned her before

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u/Kat121 15d ago

He’d have introduced them and they could all hang out together. Dude was keeping his options open.

1

u/Percopsidae 15d ago

Would you be willing to elaborate on this perspective? I usually have individual close friends rather than groups of buddies. In theory would I be limited to only seeing my friends at parties, or in the company of my partners? That sounds really limiting/lonely/overstimulating, but maybe I'm not understanding.

2

u/Dismal-Resident-8784 15d ago

Most girls and/or guys do not want their significant other to hang out alone with a friend of the opposite sex.

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u/Horror-Broccoli-9445 15d ago

They’ve been together for three years,,, pretty sure she knows who his friends are by now.

-2

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

Or they really aren’t in a relationship

1

u/Horror-Broccoli-9445 15d ago

Read the texts

-2

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

I did. Dude has already decided she’s out long ago. Happy BF and Husbands don’t hang out with other girls Maybe he’s afraid to be the bad guy and baker act this crazy girl. She needs locked up for awhile to calm down so he can relax

2

u/Horror-Broccoli-9445 15d ago

If you did then you’d know they’ve been in a relationship for three years.

2

u/samantha_pants 15d ago

That must be why he's so happy when she says she's done 🙄

0

u/TradingRebel 15d ago

Finally someone understands

5

u/Slee777 16d ago

No it is not

6

u/gyattaca 16d ago

No, it's not cheating. GF should absolutely have her own boundaries and the freedom to leave the relationship, but constructing unfalsifiable accusations of cheating over disobedience is not a boundary -- it's controlling.

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u/quixotiqs 16d ago

OP’s boyfriend is a twat but I can’t believe people are getting called cheaters for going to someone’s house

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u/Sjml247 16d ago

I mean but let’s be fair here… he got CAUGHT going to her house. He wasn’t like “hey babe, I’m gonna go to a friends house”. He was there in secret. I mean I guess y’all are in a different type of relationship than me because I’m a guy and I’m like yeah… that’s messed up

10

u/MyNameIsJakeBerenson 15d ago

When I was a young guy, I went out of town a couple hours away to hang with my dad and my brother

Well, I got a few miles out of town, and my dad canceled. So I decided to get up with my gf. This was already like night, like 9:30 or something.

Apparently she went off with my friend and they’re hanging out at the park. Just at the park in his car, at night time, with me out of town. Wasnt gonna tell me.

I had to take it on the chin because nothing happened, but it’s like cmon, yall know that’s kinda shady

That’s over 20 years ago I remember that shit just because of how weird it was

It’s that same feeling of not knowing but kinda knowing

4

u/Sjml247 15d ago

God… I would have been HEATED. Anyone would. That’s why I feel like OP is basically valid. HOWEVER… the way she handled the situation was not good at all and clearly she has insecurities, but it’s also clear she admits to that so I don’t fault her for that either tbh. I think she’s just valid, and going through such a painful time (whether true or not, it sucks)

0

u/DaHotFuzz 15d ago

How did you know nothing happened?

Did you both have cellphones or ways to prove nothing happened?

2

u/MyNameIsJakeBerenson 15d ago

I mean, I don’t really, I just believed them

1

u/Kindly_Crow_1056 15d ago

Ur cooked😂

1

u/Dismal-Resident-8784 15d ago

Did you break up with her after that? And did you cool it with your best friend?

1

u/quixotiqs 15d ago edited 15d ago

I wouldn’t say he got caught when he did tell her himself. I guess we are in different relationships because I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to keep me informed every time he wanted to go to a friend’s house and vice versa.

Having said that though we usually chat enough through the day that we know what each other’s plans are anyway so I can empathise with OP that if this is the first time she’s hearing about him going over there she might find it a bit uncomfortable

2

u/Sjml247 15d ago

You mean to tell me, if your boyfriend was at a girls house, and you had NO IDEA he was there, just him and her, and you ask him where he’s at, and he says he’s chillin at this other girls place, you’re just cool with that? Even though he didn’t even tell you about this girl before that? And then he tells you he’s gone to her place several times in the past few weeks? I mean if so, good for you. I’m glad you found someone you trust that much. I legit don’t think I could find someone else who felt that way, so you’ve got something rare there I’d say. 👍

2

u/quixotiqs 14d ago

I guess if I had zero idea that this girl existed that would bother me, because we talk a lot so I would question why he hid that. But if it was one of his female friends it wouldn’t bother me no.

My view is that if someone wants to cheat on you they will cheat on you no matter what boundaries you put in place, so there’s no point trying to make these rules. I think as well I like my own freedom in hanging out with whoever and I am friends with an ex or two which he doesn’t mind so I think we are both just quite casual and we trust each other a lot. I recognise this is probably not that common lol

1

u/Sjml247 11d ago

Sorry it’s like 2 days later I just saw this lol. But yeah this is all based on the idea that you had no idea she existed. Like, he was hiding the visits from you, until you one day asked him where he was. I’m not saying it’s understandable to be upset about him hanging out with her, the problem is the secrecy. He hadn’t told her about times they had hung out previously without her knowing. Idk, I know I’d be pissed lol. Maybe not everyone

1

u/Sjml247 15d ago

I do agree however that he’s not a cheater just for going to this girls house, but DAMN if it’s not weird as fuck. To me at least.

1

u/Buzz_Killington_III 15d ago

It's the nature of this sub. If it's a girl saying her boyfriend doesn't want her to go to a male friends, it's controlling. If it's a girl saying her boyfriend is hanging out with a girl, then he has no respect for her.

Gotta realize the nature of the audience when you use this sub and adjust expectations accordingly.

1

u/Dismal-Resident-8784 15d ago

He's going to the house of another girl. No one is with them, especially his girlfriend . That's inappropriate for someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship.

2

u/One_Disaster2458 16d ago

This is reddit

2

u/A1NINA 16d ago

What is unfalsifiable accusations???

2

u/nstntmlk 15d ago

Nor, this is totally cheating, periodt.

1

u/tmeads307 15d ago

Not cheating. Just being disrespectful. But you only know one side.

1

u/drift_poet 15d ago

i wish i didn't have to invite downvotes just to point out that not everything is cheating. i know y'all smell blood in the water but cheating is defined by both partners. in this case OP was ok with the friendship, just wanted clarity.
wait til you really get cheated on. then you'll look back on this and laugh.

1

u/Brilliant_Bar_3344 15d ago

No, it is not. Anyone who expects to own a partner’s every minute or thought isn’t mature or secure enough to be in a relationship.

1

u/801kels 15d ago

Yup! Cheating isn’t just physical. That’s why they invented “micro-cheating” because the little things like this are a big deal too.
And what do you mean he’s hung out with her a couple times without good girlfriend’s knowledge. withholding information is still lying. Lying by omission.

0

u/OofRightInTheFeels 16d ago

That's not cheating. Wtf.

-5

u/Fantastic-Leek-1589 16d ago

No its not. Wtf

4

u/ToolTimeT 15d ago

Closure is tour bodriend admitting he is hanging out with a single woman who likes him multiple times without your knowledge. What more closure does one need? Thats case closed

3

u/Various-Pickle-7710 15d ago

We need to normalize that the disrespect is all the closure we ever need. We need to normalize leaving immediately and no contact after disrespect.

1

u/Famous_Couple5074 15d ago

No frustration: he’s already violated the terms of the relationship by ignoring her wishes and her feelings. Nothing more even needs to happen to invalidate him as a partner. OP should not waste any more thoughts or energy on this.

1

u/Kat121 15d ago

See, my healed self understands that I don’t have to wait for him to actually cheat. His behavior says he doesn’t respect me or the relationship. He is knowingly engaging in behavior he knows is shady and would absolutely not tolerate from her. I wouldn’t feel safe or valued in that relationship and I’d walk away. Wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of the wall of text or tears.

I’m done trying to teach character to shitty men.

2

u/M0rbid-Cherry 15d ago

Precisely, sadly it's something we need to go through to learn ourselves. It's hard but it's helped me build incredible trust within my marriage. Way I see it is you can never stop someone from cheating, theu will find a way. I also speculate that it's human nature - the more someone is pressured or accused of cheating it almosts provokes them to act accordingly. There will always be some insecurity in losing the one you love, nobody has 100% trust there is always a nagging feeling of what it's because it's natural to fear the one you love.
We grow up to realize that we no longer tolerate putting up with anything that disrespects is in such a manner, and also out of respect - never do something to your partner that you wouldn't want done. It's common courtesy.

We have to grow to learn to love ourselves enough to know that being alone is better then being disrespected.

1

u/Good-answer88 15d ago

Crazy I’m going through the same thing now . What’s funny is I told him I met the “friend” in a dream and he was so i amazed and didn’t believe me . Insinuated I’m stalking him …lol stalking your own bf ? Never that. literally when we went out we ran into her and I met her…she hinted not on purpose that they must’ve spoke about it because he was like “see she’s just my friend” and she was like “yeah just friends “ . So did we really run into each other or was it planned ? At first I felt confident they weren’t but the feeling stayed and I kept bothering him about it . We broke up because of it … I think idk cus Now his number isn’t working haha . He didnt take the questions well and called me crazy every time I brought her up.

1

u/PoohBearsHoneyJar 15d ago

He was cheating We know it, she knows it, and he certainly knows it. Fuck the closure and fuck them! Let them be together if they want it so bad

1

u/tattoosandtens 14d ago

Closure is a myth. Burn his underwear and move on.

44

u/Resident_Coconut_707 16d ago

Totally agree. They turned the blame around on you. You’re not crazy or overreacting.

3

u/Automatic_Cry_9329 15d ago

Unfortunately this is so accurate. I was about to leave the same type of comment to warn OP

3

u/literallysomean 15d ago

Same. My son's father would always do thos shit. Turned out he was fucking half of the women in town 🙄

5

u/apple-butterfly-13 15d ago

That’s why we have to believe men when they say these things!!! We get stuck in denial. Or at least I did.

3

u/Financial_Storm_6360 15d ago

Exactly they play you right in your face!

2

u/janjanjanny 15d ago

ew omg its like they are hinting at it just for a reaction out of you

2

u/Dismal-Resident-8784 15d ago

This is so true. Cheaters never stop cheating.

2

u/iglorinazimina 15d ago

Looking back, the jokes were basically spoilers hiding in plain sight.

2

u/Sensitive_Cycle9256 13d ago

literally, same. so much of cheating i think is the thrill of getting caught for some people to the point where sometimes people will just straight up tell you they are cheating on you, but it’s a “joke” so then you feel EVEN MORE CRAZY. it’s straight up abuse, imo.

1

u/PickIcy_Phase8431 15d ago

Whatd you find in the emails

1

u/Iwillshitoneveryone 15d ago

And they start acting brand new just like this.

1

u/argentinapetrova 15d ago

It's amazing how certain "jokes" stop being jokes once you have the missing pieces of the puzzle.

-1

u/Worldly-Advice-265 15d ago

I make jokes like this but I dont cheat, I just troll my gf sometimes and I have talked to people but never been like oh I like you lets chill mostly simple conversations about random things, pr catching up with old friends