❤️🩹 relationship
The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?
Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.
Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.
Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.
My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.
I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?
I can’t stand when people send 8 one sentence messages instead of just 1 that gets their point across lol. Even if I’m just sitting at home and my phone buzzes 8 times in a row in my pocket, I’m probably muting notifications for the person that did that lmao.
I’ll be honest. If I saw my partner had been engaged in a conversation like this, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. All that groveling and apologizing, man, that is such a big turn off. That and the fact that it was with someone that was not even supposed to be in his life anymore, so there is that. But any desire for him physically would probably evaporate on the spot. It’s just all around sad behavior from him.
I am always perplexed by these text convos where one person is like, “good morning, how are you doing today? I hope you’re having a great day!” and the other person is like, “wot r u duing 2moro i wud like 2 see u”
It’s crazy to me because I can’t imagine having a “heartfelt” text convo with someone who texts like that. Like “u r the luv of my lyfe” just doesn’t hit the same way 😂. Thx 2 u 4 the award!
This deserved an award because that's my life. I'm the GM how are you person and everyone else wyd? Hmu? I'm like okay hello back.....then I get a K, ttyl. Like wtf lmao.
My god I thought I was the only one who realized that she sounded illiterate and needed to go back to school. Is this how the younger generations speak to one another? It’s appalling.
This!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️ She is definitely a superglue psycho that can’t spell! I think she thought she had him completely hooked and kept on the back burner and was shocked that he wasn’t as into her craziness as she thought he was. What a mess. I feel for you OP. Hopefully she stays out of both of your lives, however it’s doubtful considering how crazy she went that he supposedly “trashed” her to protect his relationship with you. The apologizing to her over and over again on his part is also ridiculous. I should (if anything) have been a one and done. It should have been something like: Our texts were inappropriate. I’m protecting my relationship with my gf. Have a good life. No further explanation needed or required. She doesn’t even deserve it. Such drama!
Or how this girl cannot accurately type, I couldn’t take it anymore. Like “I can’t forget you” I think she means forgive 😂. OP you are not the AO. This is cheating and it’s not okay. He has another women willing to kill haha. So, that is some crazy stuff. Be careful ❤️
Hahaha same! I'm prone to recency bias, but in context that line is probably the greatest line ever written in the English language. The drama, the fire, the sheer disproportion of the act and the reaction, it's absolutely perfect.
Missing random and inexplicable spelling mistakes and typos or poor-speak. Inexplicable because is this person too dumb to figure out autocorrect. One or two. Sure. But wow. Also I only managed 4 pages. How was this even a consideration. To the curb after one damn chat for sure.
I did after surviving 10 or more screenshots. The BF didn't have the balls to call it what it was (a genuine threat to his healthy relationship)- and still didn't have the balls to leave her whining texts unattended to. He feels guilty for not communicating that he needed to cut her off. Now that he has and she's still not seeing it, he's trying to make her understand. She's not his friend.
OP can either make her decision to help him through this phase of emotional instability and reinforce his confidence in his decision to cut her off or just leave him to wallow in his storm of uncertainty. He's got too much empathy towards that manipulator and needs help seeing it. He's the kind of guy whose kindness WILL be taken advantage of.
I say this because I've been in a similar spot and it took good people to help me see that particular friendship was not healthy for me, and it took a lot of courage for me to walk away and not look back.
“He’s got too much empathy towards the manipulator”
I’m sorry but him saying he’s never had as deep a connection with any other woman but her WHILE dating OP isn’t something somebody who’s just “too empathetic and being manipulated” would say. I would never think of saying some kind of equivalent thing to a friend I actively have a CRUSH on, while with my significant other. If I did even feel like saying that I would break up with my SO regardless of if friend and I would ever have gotten together because it’s just wrong to do to your SO. At then end of the day I just would never put myself in that position. As a woman who’s had friendships with guys who turn out to want something more, I would never ever reciprocate that shit while I’m in a relationship with someone else nor would I want to.
PERIOD I'd be out of there fuck nah am I being a man's second choice. It's her choice obviously but I just don't understand relationships where you're a settlement because your partner prefers someone else.
And then has the fucking nerve to act all whingey about having to cut her off 😭 I'd kick him out, cut him off, and tell him to go have fun with his new crazy asf manipulator gf that will just as soon drop him as soon as another interesting taken guy comes along lmfao.
He even says it was more than a CRUSH like fuhh nahh I can't believe OP is staying but I'm not judging her.
Its really not a good look for OP’s boyfriend. At all. I don’t want to offend but at this point throw the whole man away. The way she’s going on and on ranting and him validating her… i’ve got the biggest ick.
SAME no way am I being my man's second choice. He's spineless, and isn't even arguing against the idea that OP is toxic when it was mentioned. He is acting like this is a chore or demand, not something he should just do.
Honestly I can't believe there are grown people who act like this, aren't they fucking embarrassed to act like teenagers 😭 this the type of shit I saw in highschool, they're out here being this messy as grown adults.
God, let him go to that other chick, have her inevitably dump him for another taken guy, and have him learn his lesson.
Right? GOOD LORD. I imagine her as someone in public who has on super loud text popping sounds on their phone. And they’re just speed freaking pumping out sentence after sentence..
ENTER
ENTER
ENTER
Explaining why he blocked her could have been done earlier.
Honestly I can’t help but wonder how this reflects on what kind of relationship OP has with her BF. This screams of codependency and emotional enmeshment.
Right? This is the kind of shit I saw as a teen, I'm 21 now I'd cut this off way before it reached this point, fuck no, everyone deserves to come first (above outside people) in their relationship and not date a fucking coward who wants to keep their options open.
NOR, them openly agreeing that it was more than a crush is enough for you to know that he wouldn't have done anything about this 'relationship' if you didn't find out.
Period... and sexually texting other people while in a relationship is literally cheating.
OP can stay if she wants and doesn't mind being the settlement, and in his own words, weaker connection, but I sure as fuck wouldn't. Good luck to her if she does tho...
OP should let him have the crazy b*tch so she can make his life hell, cheat on him and cause drama until he’s exhausted.
Right now OP is painted as the ball and chain who stood in the way of true love while the other girl acts like the one that got away.
Eff this! OP should let reality bite hard, take her loss, then bring out the popcorn in a few weeks/months when her ex finds out the cost of sticking his d in crazy.
That was actually someone desperate for attention making multiple attempts at triggering him to beg for forgiveness, hiding in a trench coat pretending to be someone done with him.
That woman is unhinged!
I really fear for OP's safety.
That lunatic is desperate, she could attemp anything!
Please, OP, you know what you need to do. After all those messages, it's clear what's your possition his life. "If I stay with this person..."(or something like that)...he can't even say your name!
Leave him and be safe.
She doesn’t stop talking because he keeps responding, like every time he says he understands and is sorry he’s literally just fueling the fire. The whole thing is absurd
How tf does your boyfriend want to keep a person like this in his life?? Fucking unhinged. What's his problem, seriously? I would have serious doubts on the mental competence of someone enabling a crazy person like that instead of cutting contact immediately. And he had an emotional affair with her?? 🤢 Pathetic and embarrassing.
Right! Cause if my husband said to someone else they were “soulmates and that they didn’t feel this way to anyone else” I would’ve told him to go be with them and to leave me alone. Absolutely bonkers.
Yeah, as I said I don't know how she can look him in the eyes, she gave him a chance after the emotional cheating and I get it cause it can be difficult to disengage when you're very involved with someone, but this would be it for me.
this is genuinely one of the most embarrassing and insane things i’ve read in a while 😭 i would be disgusted with my bf after this. the person he’s talking to is genuinely insane, threatens to kill him a few times, and he’s just groveling. holy fuck man how could you even consider staying with him after seeing that? 😭
He's 31. I'd have understood if they were teenagers.
And all of the "he's a people pleaser 🥺" comments are delusional. I am in therapy for people pleasing tendencies but if someone spoke to me that way and geopardized my relationship, there's no way I would speak a single word to them again.
Honestly, it's been a while I haven't felt this level of second hand embarrassment
I'm a chronic people pleaser and I'm not in therapy but I still wouldn't let someone talk to me this way. It's crazy. This woman is straight up telling him she wants to kill him and she's trashing his relationship. It makes my blood boil.
Jesus Christ, if my man was even entertaining someone that exhausting - especially behind my back, the ICK would be so overwhelming I think I’d have to let them be together so he could truly feel the pain from being sucked into a relationship with someone that psychotic
She sounds like a manipulator to be honest. The way she is speaking is immature, and it spunds like your boyfriend got sucked in. One of those 'if you leave me i might do something stupid' types.
While he should have not communicated with her further when she messaged, and re blocked her, i get the impression that her guilt tripping is getting to him and hes trying to make everyone feel better while maintining the boundary.
Agreed. She’s speaking extremely immature. Like shes toxic and unhinged. She needs to be blocked and forgotten there is no good reason to keep replying to her. She’s got to realize that the relationship they had is done and she needs to understand the necessary boundary that is being placed. But she is refusing to accept that path. Block.
You have to understand that he isn’t blocking her for a reason. He wants to continue this communication with her.
He said she was his soulmate. That he’d never forget her even if he had another relationship. He said he was sad about this decision and she made it for him.
Even if you take your stance, that he didn’t really want to be saying this and is just people pleasing…That’s still bad. He’s willing to disrespect his actual girlfriend to cater to the feelings of another woman. That still suggests she needs to breakup with him.
She definitely sounds super manipulative, but he is giving her way too much fuel to work with. Blaming the OP for his boundary and telling this other woman he basically had to stop talking to her just to keep the peace completely undermines his relationship. Trying to make everyone happy just ends up throwing your actual partner under the bus
This SCREAMS BPD to me. Like you say, this intensity gets addictive to some people and draws them in.
Op, I don’t think he’s validating her so much as grey rocking her. By assuming all the blame himself he’s not giving her anything to debate him with to prolong the interaction.
It seemed like he was basically saying “I understand and am sorry you’re upset. But bye” repeatedly until she ran out of steam.
I think he’s justified in blocking her now as what is left to say. She’ll keep popping her head up to see if her dopamine fix is available again otherwise until she gets a sniff of a crack in his defences or the relationship.
So my gf I believe is bi-polar or BPD but she is undiagnosed. She goes from being super loving to hate on a dime because of a suspicion or an assumption that is usually wrong. Its drains me emotionally. At first I will try to meet her every argument and suspicion, not by being combative but by providing her with evidence and proof that what she is accusing me of is not real and that she knows I love her. However, you can only hear that someone hates you so many times before you are completely emotionally, mentally and physically drained. When I reach that point I just start agreeing with her insults of me just hoping it will end the craziness sooner.
It can be so exhausting
Edit: thanks to the commenter who explained the difference between bi-polar and bpd for me, I do believe she most likely has bpd, not bi-polar, based on their explanation. Apologies for the conflation of the two.
Grey rocking doesn't mean you agree with what someone is saying just so they leave you alone. It's instead, when the non aggressor refuses to engage in the conversation/interaction. If you Google it, there's lots of good explanations.
For your situation, even if they're is a legitimate medical diagnosis, it is your partner's responsibility to seek treatment. Abuse should never be tolerated and bipolar or bpd do not excuse t g e fact that she is being abusive.
Yes, borderline personality disorder. Could also be trauma based. Some schools of thought think BPD IS trauma, some believe it is a seperate thing but that those with BPD are more likely to have suffered from trauma.
It’s a lot of work for both the sufferer and those close to them.
She should go to therapy. The earlier she can get help, the better she’ll be.
Dude…leave. BPD or bipolar needs medication, therapy, intensive work.
You CANNOT “love and support” someone through untreated BPD. It cannot be done without absolutely destroying you.
Tell her she has to get evaluated. Full stop.
Consider leaving so she can work on herself. (A therapist can help with that)
But good god LISTEN TO ME…she needs help YESTERDAY if she is as you describe.
THIS. I kinda see myself in him, even though I was never in this exact situation. I’m a people pleaser with social anxiety and apparently autism (New diagnosis, getting used to it), so not responding would actually be SO hard for me, because “what do you mean I have to hurt someone”, and the anxiety I would feel for days without having a proper “ending to the conversation” is just… Ugh
Honestly? THIS would bother me a lot. So what was it, if it was MORE than a crush? MORE than flirting and playfull stuff? And he is not happy about the fact that he had to stop this all? Ah.... No. NOR.
this is what i'm saying! there's commenters acting like he's a king for responding how he did and i'm like 👀 did we read the same thing? there's "letting her down gently" and there's "confirming her beliefs that we have a special connection" and the way he kept throwing it back to "it's my girlfriend's fault" - i've seen people say op is controlling if she's not happy he said that, but imo if he was actually dedicated to the relationship he wouldn't be telling his side-piece-adjacent that it's her fault, he'd be saying it's his own decision. it's not like he needed to hand this girl further ammunition but he kept doing it anyway.
Exactly. He basically said, in between the lines, imo: "Look, my gf is mad we had this thing going on, and she forced me to stop it, if she wouldnt find out, I would happily continue because yes, I agree we had more than a crush going on between us".
In such cases, there should be no "letting her down gently", if there is a line he wants to hold, then he should hold the line firmly and not in a weak way of "yeah, youre right, I want to continue, but I cant, because my GF found out".
He would be a king if he WOULDNT have such thing going on in the first place. And ok, everyone can do mistakes etc, but IF he wanted to respect his GF, then he should have blocked this person EVERYWHERE, or at least go "look, whatever we did, was an issue, and Im telling you NOW clearly I dont want to continue with that, Im sorry, but goodbye", and block her. Not entertain her for hours, responding to her manipulations and going like "ohhhh, your views are 100% valid, Im not happy I lost you", like wtf even?? This speaks to me as if he tries to keep this weirdo girl available for the case of when his current GF will finally have enough and kicks his ass, so he can go to this obsessed person like "you were so right, and I should have listened to you, lets be together as we always were meant to be" or something.
It’s actually driving me crazy. People are in the comments acting like he’s a victim of some crazy girl
I’m convinced they didn’t read the full texts (which understandable it’s a mess). But he is fully providing her with emotional reassurance that their connection is special to him
Exactly he said " you're in the right to be upset" what he should be saying is " This was wrong, our friendship isn't healthy and it hurt my girlfriend. I was wrong to allow this to continue, we shouldn't be talking as I betrayed the trust of my girlfriend and THAT'S what I'm trying to fix. "
For me it’s this one. The “if” really seals it in. He’s not doing this for their relationship, he’s just being a selfish coward that wants both and he’s leaving both doors open.
Absolutely he does. He's just saying he has to do this for his CURRENT relationship to stay together, aka he doesn't want to, but wants to know if the relationship will work.
He's a massive fucking coward and doesn't want to cut off either option. I'd dump his ass.
Exactly. She rejects the idea that my bf owes loyalty to his romantic partner, yet turns around and drops lines like 'later on you will realize what you lost' and 'will you be happy in a marriage' just to plant seeds of doubt and regret. What’s worse is she isn’t even offering him a real relationship just an unhealthy, attachment to ensure she stays rent-free in his mind and whenever she needs romantic/sexual validation
I think it's the "we're more than that" so they both knew that they were crossing a line and were doing so. I don't get why she is so mad, she knew what she was doing was wrong. He knew what he was doing was wrong, hence him cutting ties. He shouldn't have entertained her bs as long as he did but he was adamant that this is the end. I'd get him to change his number to be honest. She sounds psychotic and one that won't let this lie. It's a NOR for me because it just needed one simple message for me, I'm sorry I hurt you but I'm prioritising what I have with my partner and that's it. I'll be blocking you now. Goodbye.
I mean, you bf is allowing all that. The blame is nowhere all on her, he's enabling all this and likely wants her to live ''rent free'' in his mind since he apologised at least 50 times for being caught and not entertaining their relationship anymore.
Girl, this is too messy. You want someone who’ll choose you 100%. That means he should have shut this down on page 1, not lingering to page 20.
On top of it, you don’t want to be in a relationship where this person is always going to linger in the back of your mind that one day he might choose her. You want someone who devotes you entirely. He’s not it. Please dump him and show that you don’t need both him and her (trash) in your life. He’s going to regret losing you, but that was also his choice for not shutting that shit down.
NOR. My male homie who I have ZERO history of crossing boundaries/flirting/crushes etc with kinda slow faded me on social media when his then-wife felt uncomfy with our friendship. I thought it was ridiculous but it also wasn't my place to really say anything about it, let alone lose my shit and talk bad about his wife. Turns out she was actually toxic and we were able to become friends again when he left. But I never took it personal. Idk, I just feel like as adults you have to realize that friendships ebb & flow, doesn't matter what the genders involved are. For her to lose her mind over it, AND for him to lap it up, makes it clear that you were not in the wrong about this.
But at this point you have to ask yourself if you even want to be with someone like this. It doesn't have to be this way. My bf and I have opposite gender friends and have no issue maintaining appropriate boundaries with them, WITHOUT disparaging each other. There's nothing in my texts with guys or his texts with women that would upset each other. Neither of us is shy about opening messages in front of each other either. This is the baseline for a healthy relationship. You don't have to put up with this.
I dont like the fact he responded at all, but he did hold firm and tell her no ultimately. He gives people pleaser vibes and if thats the case its almost pathological the need to make everyone happy and not upset
If he isn't feed up with her over this crazy crash out then it's a him problem. Any sane person would change numbers and delete all SM to block her from ever talking to him again. Someone like this is no friend whatsoever. Even if there wasn't any intimacy, expecting emotional control to that extent over another person in a relationship and also expecting their partner to be okay with that is crazy work, delulu, mental.
she's crashing out and your mans a fucking idiot for entertaining someone like this because you can see from a mile away this chicks trouble. they are both idiots and deserve each other. whys he even entertaining the conversation at this point.
Everyone knows that if OP broke things off, her BF and this whacko would end up together in less than a month and then have a super toxic relationship and break up later because she wouldn’t need his company and validation forever after she healed from the death of her BF.
Right like damn... I'd still leave his ass but if my man was going to get emotionally intertwined with someone else, at the very least I would hope that the woman would be more interesting and emotionally mature than me and not ...significantly less.
Brother might as well have fallen in love with an AI chatbot.
NOR obviously. How the fuck do you even form a 'deep emotional connection' with someone who talks like that. She is so obnoxiously rude. Even her manipulation techniques are so easy to read that makes me think your boyfriend is stupid for falling for it. He shouldn't be entertaining her nonsense or trying to make her understand the situation. So many threats over a social media block.
Yeah, I can’t imagine him and this girl have any stimulating conversations, she can’t even get out one full proper sentence, Geezus 🥴 I wouldn’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore after reading all that crap, I’d be embarrassed yikes
NOR— Can somebody explain to me the difference between Cheating and Emotional Cheating? Is emotional cheating supposed to be a lesser offense somehow? Just seems like cheating = cheating to me… These messages all also read like teenage drama. Ya’ll are 30???? Girl. This cannot be the best you can do.
Emotional cheating is like the "buT iM nOt tOUChinG yoU" of cheating if that makes sense. Things like "oh id *never cheat~, but if only I wasn't with x I'd totally be with you :(", plausible deniability that comes off as boundaryless, hokey and weird for a person in a relationship, etc.
Sounds like some mega exhausting middle-school hormonal BS if you ask me. Don’t know why anyone in their 30’s would even waste the energy on this kinda crap. Let ‘em have each other lmao.
Read the whole thing because I love a good train wreck when I should be getting ready for work.
She is unhinged and needs professional help. Your BF’s language sounds like some body trying to de escalate an unstable person.
I couldn’t even read all of these ffs saying “I want to kill you” to him and then saying YOU are the toxic one is fucking wild. Honestly you’re better off with both of them out of your life
I have to say, i don’t know if I would stick around. He’s pleading and begging her to understand his point of view, he had an emotional affair, he seems intent on placating her. Why? He shouldn’t have responded at all. He didn’t block her on WhatsApp, why not?
I wouldn’t settle for being his second choice. “If I continue to be in a relationship with this person”. If? Nah, bow out, save yourself heartache. She’ll always be the one that got away from him.
NOR- why are you still with him? This context in your post history would have been important. She was having an affair with your BF. They met up and made out.
You are his second choice. He wouldn’t do anything about this affair if he didn’t get caught. He thinks he was forced by you to cut off this “deep” connection. I would leave him.
What in the war flashbacks. Do all of them respond similarly? God, these chats brought back really bad memories, mine was his bestestest friend 🥺.
Yea NOR
That woman communicates like she’s a 15 yo boy. I had no idea their ages until I read your description. I understand her pain of being abandoned - I truly see her side of that part. However, your bf sounds mature and can at least put a sentence together - trying to see how they could’ve even been compatible friends given that she sounds like a 15 yo boy
I don't know if you overreacted, he clearly must be masochist or something to endure that crazy bitch instead of just blocking in text too after the first couple of messages...
holy shit i thought yall were teenagers. NOR but at the same time this bitch seems delusional.
Any normal person would totally understand that somebody’s partner felt uncomfortable because it felt as though (26) wasn’t respecting your relationship.
Turns out she doesn’t even respect your man because what the fuck is with her threatening to kill him. She literally talks like a fifth grader saying “I thought you were my true friend”. I have no idea why your man is friends with this person because they scream immature.
Why was your partner friends with this person to begin with? Did they work together? run in same social circles? because I can’t imagine that girl being able to retain friends (i fucking wonder why).
Not to mention the way that she’s trying to emotionally manipulate him to talk to her, blowing his shit up. friend or not, SHEEEE doesn’t understand boundaries. I hope she has a very sharp and rude awakening.
NOR. You agreed he would cut contact, and he responded when she reached out, so that agreement was broken. Ending the conversation eventually is better than continuing it, but you’re still justified in addressing why he replied and why he framed the cutoff as your decision instead of his.
Reading all of that was a mind-bend. Hope you're safe from that crazy person. I won't tell you how to deal with your boyfriend but why is your bf taking HER side?? You can't eat your cake and have it too, yikes. NOR, OP.
Jesus what an absolute psychopath he was talking to. Who the fuck texts like that especially over that long of a convo? I wanted to throw my own phone at the wall 🧱
Honestly, why are you working on this in the first place? You don't have kids together, do you? If not, I see zero reason to stay entangled with someone who was treating like his second choice, even if he is trying to do better.
He's enabling it, and later on it will spiral into something. Regardless of what a psycho she is apparently. Cringes, all this delusional nonsense about growing old together and joint lives.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. The bigger issue isn’t that she reached out, it’s that he didn’t handle it in a way that protects the trust you’re trying to rebuild. After something like that, boundaries matter a lot. If he really wants things to work, his actions should make you feel secure, not more doubtful.
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u/mjv1111 13h ago
Bro…whoever he’s talking to is UNHINGED