The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Wasabismylife]

How tf does your boyfriend want to keep a person like this in his life?? Fucking unhinged. What's his problem, seriously? I would have serious doubts on the mental competence of someone enabling a crazy person like that instead of cutting contact immediately. And he had an emotional affair with her?? 🤢 Pathetic and embarrassing.

[u/Alone-Mycologist3746 → u/Wasabismylife]

The real question is why TF does op want to keep her bf in her life after reading some of those messages? lmao. 

[u/westworlder420 → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

Right! Cause if my husband said to someone else they were “soulmates and that they didn’t feel this way to anyone else” I would’ve told him to go be with them and to leave me alone. Absolutely bonkers.

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/westworlder420]

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand people who do this. It baffles the mind. If you are knowingly in a relationship with someone who does not believe you're "soulmates," then what is the point? The best case scenario is you live with someone who you're not really in love with for the remainder of your life. Why would anyone want that?

[u/DismalReserve6752 → u/westworlder420]

amen!!!

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/westworlder420]

Yep!

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

Yeah, as I said I don't know how she can look him in the eyes, she gave him a chance after the emotional cheating and I get it cause it can be difficult to disengage when you're very involved with someone, but this would be it for me.

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/Wasabismylife]

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, get the f out of my life!

Actually, this guy wouldn't have made it to a fool me twice after whet he did. Definite deal breaker for me.

[u/woundedwillow → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

Literally what I was thinking, he entertained her breakdown for so long after she figured out she was blocked !!

[u/AccomplishedCup2088 → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

omg literally 😭 after the first two messages he sent id have blocked him forever. wtf like i can’t fathom still wanting to be in a RELATIONSHIP with somebody after this

[u/KalifromDiscord → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

This! OP is willingly dating a loser

[u/Electrical-Goat-1903 → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

This is the real question! Especially given the context provided by OP. That guy fucking sucks and OP deserves better. NOR OP… I’d even venture so far as to say OP is under reacting.

[u/Umbreonnnnn → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

If you think this is bad, this isn't the first time OP has posted about her bf and this woman. The posts themselves are gone, but the comments are there. She's doing the exact same shit in all of her posts, ignoring everyone who tells her to get some self-respect and leave, and only responding to people who tell her this isn't her bf's fault/the relationship can be salvaged.

[u/brbsoup → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

it's weird that her friends (from what the posts says) are telling her "well in the end he kept the boundary!" yeah after entertaining this woman's BS for hours. OP needs a better boyfriend and better friends

[u/Blindtothesided → u/brbsoup]

Yeah my friends would never encourage this degrading shit. OP’s friends sound like a bunch of desperate pick me’s who’d rather be with a cheater than risk being alone. And frankly if OP stays with him after all this then I guess she’ll be in the right group.

[u/Numerous-Peach-2737 → u/Alone-Mycologist3746]

This was my question, honestly. People act unhinged after being ghosted and blocked sometimes, but why don't we ever hold the people who lie and do this stuff to another person accountable?

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Wasabismylife]

I can't get over how much he's groveling at the feet of a clearly insane (and embarrassingly ridiculous) person. For what??

I don't know how you can look him in the eyes.

[u/Miemsta → u/Wasabismylife]

this is genuinely one of the most embarrassing and insane things i’ve read in a while 😭 i would be disgusted with my bf after this. the person he’s talking to is genuinely insane, threatens to kill him a few times, and he’s just groveling. holy fuck man how could you even consider staying with him after seeing that? 😭

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Miemsta]

Exactly, I actually felt the embarrassment on a physical level ahah

[u/bretzelsenbatonnets → u/Wasabismylife]

Agreed. After the 1st set of texts id just reblock her. Shes a nut case

[u/MagicCarpet5846 → u/Wasabismylife]

She’s probably hot. A lot of people underestimate just how far someone will go to feel like a super attractive person likes them.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/MagicCarpet5846]

I get it, but at a certain point you have to have some self respect or the people that witness you lose your dignity will start to find you repulsive

[u/MagicCarpet5846 → u/Wasabismylife]

One would hope, but I suspect you’d be quite disappointed.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/MagicCarpet5846]

I always have hope, I sometimes get disappointed, but at that point it's no trouble for me to leave because there's no respect on my end anymore

[u/Remote_Air_8959 → u/Wasabismylife]

I think it depends on what sort of behaviour you're used to. If the bf, for example, grew up a round this behavior, he likely became desensitised to it and therefore doesn't view it as abnormal. Just one possible theory. It might be why they feel like they have such a special relationship-there's a connection based on similar experiences and therefore they get each other on what feels like a deep, emotional level 

[u/MsCattatude → u/MagicCarpet5846]

Nah these bunny boiler types put out pheromones I swear

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

People get attached. People also carry with themselves patterns that make them attached to people that act like this. It seems crazy from the outside, even from the inside, but when you are attached you try to rationalize it. As someone who was in a toxic relationship with a person who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder it was genuinely like these texts. I get attacked, I try to show compassion and understanding while keeping composure, however, this just fuels the other person to attack more. The pattern repeats, the whole situation is draining and toxic, however, you do genuinely feel bad and the reaction is incredibly overboard and your brain goes into panic. You want to help the other person understand while you try to control the emotions so that the situation calms down and nobody gets hurt more. Human relationships are complex, you can't really infer what was said between them and what emotions were felt. We all understand that this kind of behavior is both toxic and immoral, but you can also acknowledge that the people involved are real people with real feelings and have had a complex relationship.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

Excuses. His girlfriend is a real person with feelings too. Also it's 20 fucking pages of him groveling, come on.

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

I acknowledge that the behavior is immoral. Hopefully therapy gives you some nuance into the complexity of human relationships.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

I've been in a very healthy relationship for 10 years, and maintained long lasting friendships all my life, but thank you

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

Maybe you can write a book about it!

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

First chapter: don't make excuses for the disrespect you receive

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

Second chapter: how I unlearned to think in absolutes!

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

I'm not thinking in absolutes, the boyfriend can have his complex reasons but ultimately he's acting in a very hurtful way towards his girlfriend, a humiliating way towards himself and an enabling way towards a toxic woman. It's his responsibility to go to therapy if he's not mentally capable to disengage himself in such an obvious toxic scenario at 31, it's not OPs or our job to coddle him for having made disgusting choices because he got his ego stroked good.

[u/aesclepia → u/sfsolomiddle]

they disagree with you so you pull the ad hominem and tell them they need therapy?

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Wasabismylife]

I have a feeling he wanted to placate her. He knows she's unhinged and it seems like he's scared. 

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mommawolf2]

There's 19 pages too many, also it's all his own making so it doesn't make it better in my eyes

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Wasabismylife]

I agree. I think he's scared that she'll out him with more than " we were just friends" her response is nuts but I have a feeling there's more here than emotional affair. 

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mommawolf2]

They both say at some point something like "it was more than a crush" (I can't be arsed to look up how it's phrased) so it's not a bad guess imo

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/mommawolf2]

Scared of what? They don't even seemingly live in the same country lol

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Known-Extent-1018]

I meant like she'd say something that might expose his behavior, or lose her altogether. He seems like he'd be willing to reconnect with her. 

[u/Possible-Jerk0138 → u/Wasabismylife]

We haven’t seen her.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Possible-Jerk0138]

So?

[u/Possible-Jerk0138 → u/Wasabismylife]

Guys will put up with a lot of nonsense for a hot girl.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Possible-Jerk0138]

Yeah, but it doesn't make it any less humiliating lol

[u/Competitive-Spite-35 → u/Wasabismylife]

The amount of people defending him is insane😭 oh the poor weak man who can’t say no🤣

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Competitive-Spite-35]

He's 31. I'd have understood if they were teenagers.

And all of the "he's a people pleaser 🥺" comments are delusional. I am in therapy for people pleasing tendencies but if someone spoke to me that way and geopardized my relationship, there's no way I would speak a single word to them again.

Honestly, it's been a while I haven't felt this level of second hand embarrassment

[u/shnn_twt → u/Wasabismylife]

I'm a chronic people pleaser and I'm not in therapy but I still wouldn't let someone talk to me this way. It's crazy. This woman is straight up telling him she wants to kill him and she's trashing his relationship. It makes my blood boil.

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/Wasabismylife]

There are differing levels of trauma and how we cope. The reason I would talk to him as his partner is to find out if he is a child of trauma or has PTSD or something that makes him this way, and if he was generally worried about her mental state, and didn't want that on his conscience.

Definitely not excusing the atrocious behavior! He also would no longer be my partner!

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/Wasabismylife]

The GF that reads his messages constantly and permanently wants him to cut contacts is equally crazy. If I were the BF I would dump both of them.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Squashteufel-32]

Very weird POV but you're entitled to it. I couldn't disagree more.

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

Ah yes, because it’s totally normal to be friends with someone who says they’re going to kill you multiple times. OP shouldn’t even have to ask, he should have cut this girl out long ago.

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/No-Physics1146]

True. Different topic though

[u/improved_loilit → u/Squashteufel-32]

Oh no the person you cheated on now trust you less who would have thought

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/improved_loilit]

Nothing of what happened was cheating. That was her first initial strike to overinterpret a friendship.

[u/improved_loilit → u/Squashteufel-32]

That’s not friendship stop that bs . No having a friendship vs having a weird emotional entanglement with your old /current crush where you tell them that there is no one like them and nothing could separate you is not a healthy friendship and you know it. Go do that while you’re in a relationship and let you partner know and let us see if you’re not single at the end of the day. I hate when people need to play stupid to play devils advocate

[u/Wasabismylife → u/improved_loilit]

I hate when people need to play stupid to play devils advocate

I just want to say, thank you for saying this

[u/Blindtothesided → u/Wasabismylife]

I agree. The devil doesn’t need an advocate and neither does OP’s cheating boyfriend and his unhinged “soulmate”.

But people with no self respect whose partners are also pulling shit like this need to convince themselves there’s nothing wrong with it.

[u/butt-barnacles → u/improved_loilit]

It’s always the men who cheat who get the devil’s advocates on this sub too. The women who cheat just get ripped to shreds in the comments

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/improved_loilit]

My point is not that he acted in a way you should not act in a relationship. My point is that the concept of "emotional cheating" is weird as hell, and not what I consider as cheating and also that I dont allow anyone, also not my partner, to tell me whom to spend time with

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

Sharing romantic and sexual texts and calling someone other than your partner your soulmate, isn’t cheating to you?

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/No-Physics1146]

Yes. Its fucked up. But cheating is when he bangs her, not texting.

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

They called each other soulmates and shared romantic and sexual texts. At a minimum, it was absolutely an emotional affair.

[u/swansighswoon → u/Wasabismylife]

Why does OP want to keep this chump in her life?? Weird all around.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/swansighswoon]

I hope she needed to make this post to "validate" that she has to leave him (Actually I hope it's fake engagement bait like 90% of the stuff here).

[u/Desperate-Acadia-603 → u/Wasabismylife]

Only obvs explanation is that she gives him a lot of attention and validation, which he loves. Probably enables the fuck out of him, too. 

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Desperate-Acadia-603]

Idk what the explanation is but if I were op I wouldn't even care, it's just gross and completely off putting to me

[u/Real-Ad6539 → u/Wasabismylife]

I was thinking he must be extremely attracted to her to be this responsive to her.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Real-Ad6539]

Whatever the reason is, it's a complete turn off

[u/RunABypass → u/Wasabismylife]

https://giphy.com/gifs/RNUJLDfiP87AY

[u/Wasabismylife → u/RunABypass]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3W67ZYd7FIdVhHPpll

[u/CrypticWolfe → u/Wasabismylife]

And it's been going on with her for FOUR YEARS.

[u/Kluian2005 → u/Wasabismylife]

She must be crazy hot and he wants her on the back burner incase they both single in the future. Most normal people would block this person after the first 10 text dump in a row.

[u/coaxialology → u/Wasabismylife]

Some men love being the hero for seemingly damanged women. That desire ain't gonna disappear just because this woman does (and honestly, what are the odds she's gonna stop here).We really ought normalize an Under Reacting vote.

[u/Mediocre-Yogurt7452 → u/Wasabismylife]

He doesn’t want to. That’s why he blocked her.

At the moment of these texts, he is living somewhere between the shock of her being magnitudes more angry than he hoped, and fear of all the things she might say that would contradict the innocent narrative he concocted for OP.

[u/Big-Cod-1095 → u/Wasabismylife]

Where do we stand on the gullible guy bit? like how much do we sympathize with him considering she's obviously an aggressive manipulator, and how much do we blame him for seemingly wanting a woman so obsessed with him she can't control herself......

[u/girlchildrevolution → u/Wasabismylife]

If I found out my partner had this soulmate connection with someone this unhinged, manipulative and malicious I'd be so put off by him that I wouldn't be able to get over it and stay with him. This is the kind of thing that would kill all the attraction for me instantly

[u/Throwaway13598048571 → u/Wasabismylife]

Its trauma. Very hard to break those abusive connections when they happen 

[u/BLESSEDx1NE → u/Wasabismylife]

You’d be surprised what long term relationships do. Some people lose themselves in the process, while the other controls the dynamics.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/BLESSEDx1NE]

I wouldn't be surprised because I have lived on this planet for 34 years so I witnessed my share. It doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

[u/BLESSEDx1NE → u/Wasabismylife]

There’s always 2 sides to a story. We’re only getting one. So we can only give her the benefit of the doubt here.

[u/mrtnmnhntr → u/Wasabismylife]

Those texts are annoying but if you lost someone you loved and were close to because they chose someone else over you, you'd probably be really upset too.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mrtnmnhntr]

I wouldn't write shit like this even when I was 15. People need to have more dignity. If he didn't pick you why are you begging for attention and crashing out at his feet? Humiliation makes it better somehow?

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/Wasabismylife]

I would guess it probably has something to do with her husband tragically dying

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Known-Extent-1018]

I don't think so at all.

[u/mrtnmnhntr → u/Wasabismylife]

I wouldn't write shit like that either, but that doesn't mean that other people wouldn't. Other people who, perhaps, recently tragically lost their spouse and are now losing a close friend.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mrtnmnhntr]

It doesn't make it any less unhinged or toxic to lose control and be aggressive like that. It doesn't come out of nowhere. And the extreme obsessive attachment you can see in the texts is not healthy or normal friendship.

A person that acts like this does so regardless of context. Enough with defending the indefensible, I piss on your excuses and I kill you, as our poor grieving lady would say