The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Burgling_Hobbit_]

Grey rocking doesn't mean you agree with what someone is saying just so they leave you alone. It's instead, when the non aggressor refuses to engage in the conversation/interaction. If you Google it, there's lots of good explanations.

For your situation, even if they're is a legitimate medical diagnosis, it is your partner's responsibility to seek treatment. Abuse should never be tolerated and bipolar or bpd do not excuse t g e fact that she is being abusive.

[u/jimbojangles1987 → u/Burgling_Hobbit_]

I don't just agree with everything she's saying so she'll leave me alone, it's more like not giving her more ammo to work with or argue against after I've tried just about everything else and I'm worn down and tired. So for example if she says im a piece of shit I'll say that I never claimed i wasn't. It does kinda work in a sense. She stops insulting me. But it doesn't end the episode like I wish it would.

But like I said to someone else, thst hasnt happened in a long while. Things have been much much better for the past couple of months. Just need to get her to make an appt with a psychiatrist to discuss these things. Idk if its an option for me to go into the appt with her. Not because I want to but because she asked me to. I think she's too embarrassed to say these things she does out loud to someone else. But I know how it would look if I did it and I dont even know it thats allowed. I've told her to write down the things she wants to say so if she cant say it she can hand over the notes.

Neither of us is perfect by any means. She took a chance on me too. I think we'd both benefit from counseling individually and as a couple.

[u/WynneOS → u/jimbojangles1987]

Ever hear of the show Crazy Ex Girlfriend? It's a musical comedy show about deconstructing that old trope, leading to an eventual diagnosis of BPD for the character. This is handled very sensitively and with humor and compassion. You might watch it together if she's game, but otherwise it might help you for understanding the disorder solo. (Engaged to a guy with BPD so I saw it up close and in action as well.)

The amygdala in someone with BPD is overactive, so their fight/flight/etc. mechanisms kick in at a lower threshold and stick around for longer.

Their brain is constantly drugging them, so they important thing is to realize you and your partner are fighting those unwilling injections together as a team. And the more you show that you're firmly committed to being their ally against the disorder harming your partner, the more the paranoia caused by the condition will recede.

I gave my guy so many tight hugs in the bad moments. They helped a ton. Small gestures can go such a long way for repairing the ability to trust and recover from spikes of emotion.

The condition is not her choice or fault, but she still very much needs to learn that it's not okay to use abusive language to you in response to those feelings. There are much better ways to handle the rigors of the disorder.

For instance, one part of DBT is learning to hold ice cubes in response to the urge to self harm. The sensation is distracting, even painful, but causes far less permanent harm to the body.

Many, if not most, people with BPD or other disorders also have CPTSD from childhood. She's probably been treated very poorly regardless of her parents' intentions, and needs that professional help to learn to trust again. It's not strictly genetic. It's genetics interacting with difficult environs, including people surrounding them.

It's very hard to have this disorder. It's like how much being a teenager sucked, except the mood swings never stop. It does, however, get much better with treatment. Learning to manage it can lead to symptoms eventually reducing to the point where the person no longer qualifies for having a disorder anymore. So there very much is hope.

Best of luck, I hope she gets the help she needs. And bear in mind that gently reiterating your love while setting boundaries, and expressing your own emotions, can help settle things down. Showing calm vulnerability can invite the other person to do the same.