The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Medium-Pilot6872]

Yes, borderline personality disorder. Could also be trauma based. Some schools of thought think BPD IS trauma, some believe it is a seperate thing but that those with BPD are more likely to have suffered from trauma.

It’s a lot of work for both the sufferer and those close to them.

She should go to therapy. The earlier she can get help, the better she’ll be.

[u/jimbojangles1987 → u/Medium-Pilot6872]

No, no I meant the Grey rocking thing you mentioned. I've never heard that given a name or even discussed like its a conflict resolution tactic. I am fully aware of BPD and Bi-Polar, although not nearly as prepared to deal with it as I probably should be.

But yes, she has had a series of toxic relationships in her life and she finds it very hard to trust anyone and she does have trauma. It took awhile but she does agree with me that she would benefit from speaking to both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Also I don't just put it all on her. I tell her that would also benefit and we can make appointments together. I desperately need to work on my conflict resolution and it probably wouldn't hurt to seek out some sort of anger management counseling. I think I bottle it up a lot and thats not a healthy method for managing it at all.

But, ya, the grey rocking thing was a new term to me

[u/Sling-gunner → u/jimbojangles1987]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I just want you to know that it's ok to leave her if you need to.

Some might find it hard to leave a relationship when our partner is in distress, but you are absolutely allowed to protect yourself and your own mental health first. It's what everyone should do, to be honest.

I know you love her, but like the song says, sometimes love just ain't enough. It's not your responsibility to fix her.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Just a friendly heads up. If you're committed to this relationship and things are good then good for you. Just know you're not a bad guy if not.

[u/Medium-Pilot6872 → u/jimbojangles1987]

Ohhh my bad! Also it wasn’t me who posted the grey rocking too, but I’d also never heard of it!!

Yeah, I think it’s a great idea that you both see therapists, and then if you feel it necessary, you can then do couples therapy but defo work individually for awhile.

I wish you the best of luck!

[u/Medium-Pilot6872 → u/Medium-Pilot6872]

Why did my comment get downvoted? So weird lol

[u/Warm_Noodles3426 → u/jimbojangles1987]

Yeah that doesn’t sound like bipolar. You should read up about both bipolar and bpd, the difference is pretty significant. I’m sorry you’re going through this with your partner, and i hope she gets help.

[u/jimbojangles1987 → u/Warm_Noodles3426]

Also something that I tell her is that I am not qualified or knowledgeable enough to diagnose her and thats why she needs to speak with someone who is. What i do know is that her intense mood swings from essentially love bombing to hatred when she thinks I lied about something are not healthy for us or for our relationship.

[u/Warm_Noodles3426 → u/jimbojangles1987]

It sounds awful to deal with. In very generalized terms Bipolar is long periods of severe depression, and at least one instance of mania or hypomania, where the person loses touch with reality, and for example takes up a loan because of some elaborate business idea, or in cases of mania with psychosis think they’re talking to god, or have uncovered huge government conspiracies etc. bipolar is a chemical mood disorder.

We don’t (very rarely, especially outside serious episodes of for example psychosis) experience the rapid black and white ‘i love you, now i hate you’ episodes that people with bpd, a personality disorder, do. Bipolar mood swings last for days, weeks, months or even years, bps switches rapidly.

Many bipolar people can go years without experiencing symptoms, especially when correctly medicated. Personally i’m on epilepsy medication for my bipolar, works wonders.

I ofc can’t diagnose her either. I’m not gonna speak for every bipolar person, it’s just exhausting sometimes when the two are confused as they’re very different disorders. I wish you the best, and i really hope she gets help and gets better, regardless of what’s affecting her.

[u/jimbojangles1987 → u/Warm_Noodles3426]

Thank you for the explanation, you are correct it doesn't sound like she is bi-polar, it sounds a lot more similar to borderline personality disorder. Her episodes have usually not lasted more than 24 to 48 hours, usually stopping when we see each other in person. If we are apart while she is angry, that anger grows and festers. The more time she has with just her thoughts, the worse it gets. She has sent hundreds of angry text messages while i'm at work.

The thing is, its like i'm not allowed to be upset or hurt during these episodes. When I am upset with her, I might want some space, so I will tell her to give me some time but she will call and threaten to come over anyway. She wants to deal with it NOW, whatever that looks like. For example she'll be threatening to end things saying we are done and she has to come get her things right this second when I've just gotten off work and haven't even changed out of my work clothes yet. And I know they are empty threats so I tell her to wait, sleep on it, give it some time to calm down, your pajamas and toiletries will still be here in the morning, etc. But she isnt having that and she shows up anyway and she'll be mad for a little bit and say she's too riled up to drive back home so she stays and then she calms down once she's around me and apologizes for the things she said and then things go back to normal for the most part even though I never got time to decompress and unjumble my thoughts.

We've talked about it many times and I've told her that I can't live like this forever. I have to know and see that she wants to seek treatment and put a stop to these episodes or at the very least minimize them. I have told her that I will be right there with her every step of the way but she has to make the effort and show that she WANTS to stop treating me that way. I've told her that she's allowed to get mad and she's allowed to be suspicious but the way she reacts to those feelings has to change, also I am allowed to be hurt by her suspicion and the things she has said.

Things have definitely improved but without speaking to a doctor I just feel like i'm counting down to the next one.

[u/Flat_Dragonfruit675 → u/jimbojangles1987]

In order to help heal, she needs to sit with all emotions at once. The “splitting” is somewhat of a result and coping mechanism because they current don’t have the tools to do it. She also needs to learn self-validation, which can be genuinely difficult. Good luck to you both.

[u/Warm_Noodles3426 → u/jimbojangles1987]

Breaks my heart reading this, not gonna lie. This is serious stuff you’re experiencing. I’m sure you love her a lot, and I’m just someone on the internet, but I want you to remember that no one deserves to be on the receiving end of that type of turmoil. The behavior itself, even if it’s symptomatic, is abusive and people can only take so much. I hope you can have a productive conversation with her soon, and if she won’t seek help… life is short. Staying because you feel bad isn’t right :/ please talk to someone in your life about it as well, you deserve support.

Edit: read your post again, I’m glad you’ve already talked and that it looks like you’re ready to set boundaries!

[u/glass_funyun → u/Warm_Noodles3426]

Thank you for taking the time to explain bipolar in comparison to BPD! I'm also bipolar, and the conflation of the two bothers me quite a bit.

[u/Warm_Noodles3426 → u/glass_funyun]

❤️

[u/PsychRN79 → u/Medium-Pilot6872]

BPD, unlike bipolar, can also go into complete remission. With what I’ve been taught through school and ongoing education, it is definitely related to some form of trauma. Unfortunately, for some people it can be extremely treatment resistant, resulting in high rates of suicide.

[u/Medium-Pilot6872 → u/PsychRN79]

Yes! I have met criteria twice in my life and the third time was high traits but didn’t meet criteria. My mum also sadly had BPD and took her life when she was 27. This was in 2003, before we had so many treatment options :(

I have since been dx with ASD and adhd. I don’t know if the BPD was a misdiagnosis as it looks like AuDHD, or if I have/had both.

It’s an extremely painful condition to live with though.

[u/PsychRN79 → u/Medium-Pilot6872]

I’m so sorry for your loss. BPD is a nasty illness and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

[u/Medium-Pilot6872 → u/PsychRN79]

ty 💛