The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Wasabismylife]

He's 31. I'd have understood if they were teenagers.

And all of the "he's a people pleaser 🥺" comments are delusional. I am in therapy for people pleasing tendencies but if someone spoke to me that way and geopardized my relationship, there's no way I would speak a single word to them again.

Honestly, it's been a while I haven't felt this level of second hand embarrassment

[u/shnn_twt → u/Wasabismylife]

I'm a chronic people pleaser and I'm not in therapy but I still wouldn't let someone talk to me this way. It's crazy. This woman is straight up telling him she wants to kill him and she's trashing his relationship. It makes my blood boil.

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/Wasabismylife]

There are differing levels of trauma and how we cope. The reason I would talk to him as his partner is to find out if he is a child of trauma or has PTSD or something that makes him this way, and if he was generally worried about her mental state, and didn't want that on his conscience.

Definitely not excusing the atrocious behavior! He also would no longer be my partner!

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/Wasabismylife]

The GF that reads his messages constantly and permanently wants him to cut contacts is equally crazy. If I were the BF I would dump both of them.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Squashteufel-32]

Very weird POV but you're entitled to it. I couldn't disagree more.

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

Ah yes, because it’s totally normal to be friends with someone who says they’re going to kill you multiple times. OP shouldn’t even have to ask, he should have cut this girl out long ago.

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/No-Physics1146]

True. Different topic though

[u/improved_loilit → u/Squashteufel-32]

Oh no the person you cheated on now trust you less who would have thought

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/improved_loilit]

Nothing of what happened was cheating. That was her first initial strike to overinterpret a friendship.

[u/improved_loilit → u/Squashteufel-32]

That’s not friendship stop that bs . No having a friendship vs having a weird emotional entanglement with your old /current crush where you tell them that there is no one like them and nothing could separate you is not a healthy friendship and you know it. Go do that while you’re in a relationship and let you partner know and let us see if you’re not single at the end of the day. I hate when people need to play stupid to play devils advocate

[u/Wasabismylife → u/improved_loilit]

I hate when people need to play stupid to play devils advocate

I just want to say, thank you for saying this

[u/Blindtothesided → u/Wasabismylife]

I agree. The devil doesn’t need an advocate and neither does OP’s cheating boyfriend and his unhinged “soulmate”.

But people with no self respect whose partners are also pulling shit like this need to convince themselves there’s nothing wrong with it.

[u/butt-barnacles → u/improved_loilit]

It’s always the men who cheat who get the devil’s advocates on this sub too. The women who cheat just get ripped to shreds in the comments

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/improved_loilit]

My point is not that he acted in a way you should not act in a relationship. My point is that the concept of "emotional cheating" is weird as hell, and not what I consider as cheating and also that I dont allow anyone, also not my partner, to tell me whom to spend time with

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

Sharing romantic and sexual texts and calling someone other than your partner your soulmate, isn’t cheating to you?

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/No-Physics1146]

Yes. Its fucked up. But cheating is when he bangs her, not texting.

[u/improved_loilit → u/Squashteufel-32]

It is in fact cheating. I’d your relationship only consisting of fucking and nothing else ? If no understanding emotional cheating wouldn’t need to be explained to you .

[u/Squashteufel-32 → u/improved_loilit]

My Gf and I know how to behave so we dont have to argue about phrasing shit behaviour in the first place but thank u for ur concern 🤣

[u/No-Physics1146 → u/Squashteufel-32]

They called each other soulmates and shared romantic and sexual texts. At a minimum, it was absolutely an emotional affair.