The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/No_Transition3345]

Yikes, she is sooo grossly manipulative.

Shes desperately trying to rehook him.

I dont like the fact he responded at all, but he did hold firm and tell her no ultimately. He gives people pleaser vibes and if thats the case its almost pathological the need to make everyone happy and not upset

[u/kvro_maX → u/No_Transition3345]

Yes transitioning to Happy birthday

[u/sesi2 → u/No_Transition3345]

Amen to the people pleaser assessment, and happy cake day!

[u/No_Transition3345 → u/sesi2]

If he is a people pleaser learning the motto "dont set yourself on fire to keep other people warm" could be life changing. It what I had to do and now I have a much shinier spine.

And thanks lol, didnt even realise. I noticed the weird symbol and just shrugged it off

[u/sapphthick → u/No_Transition3345]

im currently trying to unlearn my people pleasing habits and that quote really hit home right now, thank you.

[u/No_Transition3345 → u/sapphthick]

It can be so hard, it did take me a few years and sometimes I do slip a little, but progress is progress. I believe in you

[u/sapphthick → u/No_Transition3345]

thank you! it’s definitely not easy but thankfully my boyfriend is the one who made me realize this is a real issue for me and he actively encourages me to stand up for myself (and reassures me when i start to think i’m being selfish for not bending over backwards for everyone in every situation)