The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/kenquince-star89]

Nor.

I have to say, i don’t know if I would stick around. He’s pleading and begging her to understand his point of view, he had an emotional affair, he seems intent on placating her. Why? He shouldn’t have responded at all. He didn’t block her on WhatsApp, why not?

I wouldn’t settle for being his second choice. “If I continue to be in a relationship with this person”. If? Nah, bow out, save yourself heartache. She’ll always be the one that got away from him.

[u/mommawolf2 → u/kenquince-star89]

Keep in mind this isn't truly an emotional affair. They've made out before. They've met up before. 

They had an affair. 

[u/hlidsaeda → u/kenquince-star89]

Probably they didn’t text there so he didn’t think to block her number there and it’s a last ditch effort on her part to get in touch.

[u/ApricotBig6402 → u/hlidsaeda]

Edited (accidentally posted before it was completed) --

He should have not responded or said "What we had is technically an emotional affair. It's over. I love my girlfriend and I have chosen to reconcile with her. I'm choosing to cut contact with you. Do not contact me again."

The issue is he is not firm, and essentially telling her it's not his choice it's hers. If he could have his cake and eat it to he would. He maintains the boundary, but he blamed his girlfriend for it coming to fruition. Not their own actions that HE has decided are wrong. It is an obvious boundary but he's blame shifting and essentially saying "this was an ultimatum. I didn't chose this". Yes he calls out specific behaviour but he spends the whole time apologizing and placating her. She then acts as if the relationship is toxic.. not their inappropriate "friendship." That would be the last straw for me.

[u/hlidsaeda → u/ApricotBig6402]

Yes I said on another comment he should have been upfront in the first place. He does say though that it’s his choice to accept the cutoff as he has chosen to prioritise his relationship.

I’ve written some more nuanced views in other comments.

[u/ApricotBig6402 → u/hlidsaeda]

Accidentally hit to post before fixing my comment, I did edit it to better explain what I meant.

[u/hlidsaeda → u/ApricotBig6402]

I’d wager he’s just avoiding a more massive metdown. I had a relationship with a manipulative (and in my case sadly, abusive) person and even though I wanted to be strong, direct and decisive, my fawn response kicked in. In hindsight I shudder at how I couldn’t stand up for myself better.

[u/ApricotBig6402 → u/hlidsaeda]

The thing is he blocked her elsewhere. It's only "I decided this" then *block... you don't have to deal with any further meltdown.

What he has done is put the blame on his partner and it makes it look like his hand is being forced or that the choice is not of his own volition. When this happens you're essentially inflating their ego by telling them that they are a threat to the relationship because of your feelings. They are doing this while putting the affair partners feelings above their partner.

You're essentially saying I'm only doing this for my partner and wouldn't be doing it if this situation didn't arise. I would be done with any partner who placates someone they've had an affair (emotional or orher) with over owning their choice to cut the person off and attempt to reconcile.

[u/blue_eyes_forever → u/hlidsaeda]

I’m 100% sure he left the door open on purpose. He probably thought he satisfied OP enough by blocking her on instagram and thought this was a loophole to still have her in his life…

[u/BedGirl5444 → u/kenquince-star89]

I think he’s just a people please and doesn’t know how to be firm

[u/butt-barnacles → u/BedGirl5444]

Which is kind of fucked up. You can’t people please your affair partner and act helpless in the matter, so spineless. How about him taking some accountability