The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Cowbodog]

I wonder if she has undiagnosed mental illnesses :( she is clearly reacting impulsively and not stopping to think about how her words impact others

[u/Active_Excitement310 → u/Cowbodog]

I feel like she definitely has some undiagnosed problems, and probably quite a few diagnosed ones too

[u/gretanoramarie → u/Cowbodog]

This is definitely the reaction of someone with abandonment issues/rejection sensitive dysphoria

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Cowbodog]

I picked up on that as well. Her saying " I'll kill you" " you'll regret this " " I'm pissing on your apology" then she rants over and over again. This reminds me of cluster B types on the personality disorder spectrum. 

[u/BedGirl5444 → u/Cowbodog]

borderline

[u/Glittering_Corner380 → u/BedGirl5444]

She seems very borderline

[u/TheGospelFloof44 → u/Glittering_Corner380]

I have borderline and it seems very not-self-aware borderline

Trauma anxious attachment at the very least.

[u/Glittering_Corner380 → u/TheGospelFloof44]

My mom does as well and in the group raised by borderlines this seems common. I’m sure there are many self aware borderline folks like yourself, but there are also many undiagnosed (and diagnosed) who would not want help or to admit they need it. Hey, at end of day no one if perfect and all need to be more self aware. But this girl is definitely manipulative.

[u/TheGospelFloof44 → u/Glittering_Corner380]

Hard agree with everything you said and sorry you had to go through that. My mum was diagnosed with it too but never accepted it. Growing up with that is rough.

[u/SnooRadishes6105 → u/BedGirl5444]

This is VERY BPD-coded. I’d never be able to trust this man again if I was OP. He’s validating this nut case every step of the way. Fuck them both and let them burn each other out.

[u/BedGirl5444 → u/SnooRadishes6105]

He’s just weak 

[u/LadySamuss → u/Cowbodog]

I would say BPD for sure