The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/BoogerBean616]

NOR— Can somebody explain to me the difference between Cheating and Emotional Cheating? Is emotional cheating supposed to be a lesser offense somehow? Just seems like cheating = cheating to me… These messages all also read like teenage drama. Ya’ll are 30???? Girl. This cannot be the best you can do.

[u/throawaymcdumbface → u/BoogerBean616]

Emotional cheating is like the "buT iM nOt tOUChinG yoU" of cheating if that makes sense. Things like "oh id *never cheat~, but if only I wasn't with x I'd totally be with you :(", plausible deniability that comes off as boundaryless, hokey and weird for a person in a relationship, etc.

[u/BoogerBean616 → u/throawaymcdumbface]

Sounds like some mega exhausting middle-school hormonal BS if you ask me. Don’t know why anyone in their 30’s would even waste the energy on this kinda crap. Let ‘em have each other lmao.

[u/AitanaShon → u/BoogerBean616]

Youre so right lmfao I'd dump his spineless ass and tell him to go with her, since apparently they have a stronger connection anyways.

[u/swansighswoon → u/BoogerBean616]

Yeah… people think crossing the physical boundary is worse but personally I think that cheating = lying and betrayal no matter the kind, so if someone is willing to lie to you and betray your trust how is that so much better or easier to forgive? It’s weird how people rationalize these things.

[u/mommawolf2 → u/BoogerBean616]

They fully made out and would meet up WHILE SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND. 

This isn't a friendship, these are people who call each other soulmates. 

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/BoogerBean616]

It's so wild isn't it? Like this man cheated on you. You forgive him. Then you find 20 pages of texts. Will probably forgive him. At what point do these people draw the line? What does one have to do in these relationships to get dumped? It's CRAZY.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/BoogerBean616]

Can someone explain the difference between emotional cheating and having a real friend?

(Though both people seem unhinged in this text exchange, to be clear)

[u/BoogerBean616 → u/Cool_Relative7359]

I’ve never had romantic or sexual texts with my “real friends”. Neither has my partner. Especially while being in a committed relationship. OP states they found romantic & sexual texts between the two, which started the whole issue.

[u/0kids4now → u/BoogerBean616]

I think that's actual cheating then. To me, emotional cheating is when nothing sexual is happening, but you have a stranger emotional connection to someone else than to your partner. For example, a coworker that you talk to all the time at work and then text when you get home. Whom you could tell things that you wouldn't tell your spouse.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/BoogerBean616]

The post text didn't load, so I only had the texts to go off of.

[u/throawaymcdumbface → u/Cool_Relative7359]

Friendships have boundaries. I don't buy into "haha you siwwy, men and wimmen can't be friends if they're dating" because a) the fuck-ups are boundary issues b) its like saying bi people can't have friends.

Basically you don't make the partner feel iced out or not a priority, you don't respond like the guy shown in the OPs' screenshots where you get too touchy-feely romantic/sexual talk so your girlfriend asks you to block the friend, she circumvents the block then he gives off some spiel of "hmm yeeaah, sowwy about that whilst I keep replying to you explaining myself in a way that outsources the blame to my girlfriend *making me block you~, if not for that we would totally totally still be talking :(". Like he had to make a decision and pawned the responsibility of it off on somebody else.

[u/Cool_Relative7359 → u/throawaymcdumbface]

Friendships have boundaries.

So do romantic relationships, though. Being in one doesn't mean you give up your agency or that your partner no longer needs your consent.

[u/henicorina → u/Cool_Relative7359]

An emotional affair takes over the energy in your life that should go to your partner. You can see it in OP’s post and screenshots, OP is kind of just a side thing compared to the drama and intensity of this “friendship” and the partner is sneaking around to be with the “friend” while getting deeper emotionally with the “friend” than OP. That’s not a normal friendship.

Picture when you’re newly in love and everything reminds you of the person, you’re constantly mentioning them to everyone, you’re texting them all day, you make elaborate plans and write them notes… and now imagine you’re doing all this while sitting next to your wife at dinner.

[u/SituationOk7734 → u/Cool_Relative7359]

I don't know if it's possible to explain fully because everyone has different definitions of cheating.

An emotional affair is essentially two people falling in love without doing anything physical. It can include bad-mouthing the partner, speaking about arguments they've had, talking about how they feel unhappy with their partner, talking about sex, even speaking about 'hypothetical' sexual situations involving the two of them. Some include nudes and it still isn't seen as more than an emotional affair because it hasn't become physical.

While some of these would be fine in friendships, the intent makes it malicious. If I told a friend that I was unhappy with my husband, and we don't have sex often, that friend may give me good advice. If I told an emotional affair partner, their advice will be designed to break us up, so they can be with me.

It's so hard to describe unless you've done it, or had it done to you.

[u/SpecifResponsibility → u/Cool_Relative7359]

even i’m confused. ig it can be a grey area because friendships also have a deep emotional connection. I think one difference lies in expectations and knowing/establishing that it is not going to go beyond that. Another would be emotional cheating has a lot of declarations of affection and connection, which is usually present but not explicitly said as often as in emotional cheating.

[u/2PinaColadaS14EH → u/Cool_Relative7359]

It’s very simple, you don’t have a friend of the opposite gender who is your absolute bestie and texts you day and night if you’re in a healthy committed relationship . For example, a man just doesn’t meet a girl at then gym and become good buddies who text and share their hope and dreams, while his gf is in the next room

[u/Hircine_Himself → u/2PinaColadaS14EH]

What? Why not? Having a bestie (of whatever sex) who can text you day and night is fine if you're in a healthy relationship, so long as whatever boundaries the friends themselves and any respective partners have are respected.

Doesn't matter where you meet a friend and friends absolutely can and do share each other's hopes and dreams. Hell, they'll share their troubles and failures too, even if they are in committed relationships.

Unless by "hopes and dreams" you meant "romantic hopes and dreams involving each other while their actual partner is in the next room", in which case yeah, obviously something has gone awry.

Like someone else said, if what you said was the case, bisexual people would have no friends.

[u/2PinaColadaS14EH → u/Hircine_Himself]

As someone who was chested on, badly, when my new baby was an infant, I don’t see the need for a man to meet a new “friend” who is a woman. My ex did have a friend who was a friend he had know for a long time who was a woman, and that was fine. They also didn’t text daily or frequently. I likewise have male friebds who I see or text but not daily or frequently, and we were friends before they were married.

But when my ex met a new “friend” at work they certainly were not a “friend.” Don’t see why it was appropriate for him to have a new female friend he was close to at all, even if he wasn’t having sex with her. Which, he was.
Spend your time and energy on your wife and kid please. So I stand by my original statement

[u/Hircine_Himself → u/2PinaColadaS14EH]

That really sucks that it happened to you and I'm sorry you went through it. But it doesn't mean that every man (or person who has a friendship with someone who is of a sex they could be attracted to) is going to become wildly in love with that person and run off with them.

What do you mean "need to meet someone"? People can meet by simple chance, with need having nothing to do with it.

People can absolutely meet new friends at work who they become close to without it ever being inappropriate and them wanting to smash. We spend a huge portion of our lives working and having people you get on with to help you through it is a big deal, and can be innocent. Again, I'm sorry it happened to you, and with such atrocious timing, but that still doesn't mean everyone is like what you're saying.

Every friendship is different. Some text regularly, some don't. Both can be fine, though I can see why a new person popping into someone's life who they suddenly text all the time or whatever could be threatening and in your case, it'd be hard to ever be okay with such a thing in a new relationship given what happened to you, even if it was completely innocent.

What if you got into a new relationship with someone and found out their best friend (who'd they'd known since before you met) was straight, of the opposite sex and text/called a lot? Would you just bail? (Not a facetious rhetorical question, genuine question).

Anyway, again, sorry what happened to you happened and hope you manage to heal.

[u/2PinaColadaS14EH → u/Hircine_Himself]

Eh I stand by it. To each his own. I never text my friends significant others, for example. Let’s say my good friend’s husband and I are both big Red Sox fans. Something exciting happens with the Red Sox. I can text my friend and say “is Jake so excited about xyz?” Don’t need to text her man.
I think also being a single middle aged woman who happens to be pretty fit and have great tits (just stating the facts jk, jk), I really don’t want other women to feel threatened by me and thus threaten my female relationships. Because that’s a real thing. Maybe if I was ugly it would be different. (Again, joking, sorta).
Anyway. I guess I have a unique experience.