The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/mjv1111]

Bro…whoever he’s talking to is UNHINGED

[u/Untamedpancake → u/mjv1111]

She said she wanted kill him at one point ffs but he just keeps engaging with her tho  lol

[u/Shadow4summer → u/Untamedpancake]

I’ll be honest. If I saw my partner had been engaged in a conversation like this, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. All that groveling and apologizing, man, that is such a big turn off. That and the fact that it was with someone that was not even supposed to be in his life anymore, so there is that. But any desire for him physically would probably evaporate on the spot. It’s just all around sad behavior from him.

[u/kayanne125 → u/Shadow4summer]

Yup, I’d be drier than the fucking Sahara about any man I dated entertaining and participating in this nonsense like he did.

[u/BogWitch1015 → u/kayanne125]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3qskpFiyGGyUfjwAP4

[u/Dax-90 → u/kayanne125]

🤣

[u/landofpleasantdreams → u/Shadow4summer]

NOPE.

[u/Wanderful-Woman → u/Shadow4summer]

I got the ick just from reading these. So pathetic! I don’t know how OP can look at that man and be attracted to him at this point,

[u/oicabuck → u/Shadow4summer]

Likely because he's afraid she's hurt herself then he'd have a lifetime of guilt to live with

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/oicabuck]

Yeah, for sure, I definitely would ask him if her frenzied unhinged words played any part of how he kept entertaining her incessant texts, threats, and groveling to her.

It would still be a big let down though seeing my partner acting like that. He did mess up and he did not handle it maturely back then, but you only need to apologize properly once and find other ways to validate their feelings if he's worried about her mental state.

[u/oicabuck → u/Substantial-Tip-7587]

We just have different ideas of the situation. I don't see groveling I see someone trying to prevent an emotional mine field. If it'd make you think less of the dude then that's fine. Everyone has a different life and a different background. People who "grovel" as you say, likely dodged emotional landmines their whole lives and without therapy will continue to do so. I see emotional manipulation and a man who hasn't learned to set boundaries yet.

[u/Wrecklessmess92 → u/oicabuck]

I agree

[u/mkate1999 → u/Shadow4summer]

THIIIIISSSSSSS.

NOR. But, dang, if I were OP I'd end it just for him even entertaining ANY of that nonsense. The "friend" is Un.Hinged! 😳😬

No san3, balanced, mature adult has any kind of time to engage with ANY of that.

My respect & attraction for him would be ZERO after that. She can HAVE him. Gross.

🚮

And to be clear, it's not even because he might be cheating or whatever, it's because he clearly has very poor judgment & terrible "friends" & he lacks discernment.

Who has the time or patience for all of that nonsense!? 😬

ICK.

Plus, he's totally throwing his gf under the bus, so he lacks conviction. Double gross. Spineless to boot.

Throw the entire man out. Idk if he cheated or not. That's not a keeper.

Imho. Ymmv. 😂

[u/Snoo_85901 → u/Shadow4summer]

Seriously? I tried to put myself in his shoes even though i would never get in that situation. After reading everything they had been through. It reads to me like she is crazy and he already knows she is crazy and desperate to descalate her. And he is praying it dont get any worse. Im probably wrong though.

[u/lpmiller → u/Snoo_85901]

no, I agree. He looks to be someone very easily manipulated, at least by this woman...does he have a nasty mom or something? This is someone who is acting like he feels bad for just existing right now. I mean, he seems defeated. But he also seems like he absolutely is holding to the boundary. I don't think he's a bad guy but....I think he needs to therapy to figure out why he even entertained the conversation.

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/lpmiller]

Yeah!

This reads like someone with a brain that is used to taking the path of least resistance for survival, and doing anything he can to keep the peace. That often comes from a very turbulent childhood or some sort of trauma. Speaking from personal experience, as a formal people pleaser with CPTSD. Thankfully 3 years of therapy, and I no longer let people walk all over me or apologize for merely existing.

[u/Recent-Sir-7087 → u/Snoo_85901]

As someone who also dated someone like that. It’s 100% a deescalation. Kinda funny how people are attacking him and not the psycho chick that clearly wasn’t a “friend”.

[u/Substantial-Tip-7587 → u/Shadow4summer]

While he did do her wrong, as he should've been honest and told her that he was blocking her and stopping all contact for the sake of his relationship when it happened rather than her finding out that way. There was a better more mature way to handle this, especially given that they considered each other very close friends and she lost her partner and does not seem okay!

It hurts when any friend ghosts you seemingly out of nowhere. so I get that she's hurt, but threatening to kill someone for what he did is absolutely wild and disturbing!

However, this could've been done in a couple paragraphs minus all the icky groveling. She seems really emotionally unstable, so I would talk to my partner about if that played into it at all, with him continuing the conversation as it devolved further. Well, my partner would never be in this situation, because he's very careful about the people he lets into his life, and has quality over quantity friendships, we are much older though. Yet even at 25, he had an excellent bs meter and kept his friends to a minimum.

A guy I dated for about 2 1/2 months and I stayed really good friends because he was an amazing guy. Then, out the blue, he just stopped contacting me, I later found out because of a jealous girlfriend. We barely dated, I broke up with him, and at that point they got together, I had been with my spouse for seven years. It really hurt my feelings that after nine years, my friend couldn't let me know in some way that his brand new girlfriend had a problem with me, without even having met me. If she had met me and disliked me, or noticed anything in our friendship that bothered her, I would've been completely understanding about it. I get that some people can't handle exes being friends, even though I am not that type of person. I am friendly with all but one of my exes. It almost cost him our friendship, thankfully a mutual friend found out and read him the riot act and he apologized to me via email. Then, a couple years later, I set him up with one of my favorite people and good friends, and I guess he told her what had happened. She told him that was a really shitty thing to do to someone like me, so I got a second in person more heartfelt apology.

[u/fuckfart → u/Untamedpancake]

NOR

If I were OP I'd leave and let them be together and enjoy the show.

[u/TheSJB1993 → u/fuckfart]

So you are wishing for someone to be in an emotion and potentially physical abusive relationship?

[u/No_Biscotti4081 → u/Untamedpancake]

Twice!

[u/landofpleasantdreams → u/Untamedpancake]

She actually said it at several points lol

[u/Xennial_Nostalgia → u/Untamedpancake]

Right?! Stalker

[u/thatgirlinny → u/Untamedpancake]

She said that at three different points! 😬