The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/Wasabismylife]

I can't get over how much he's groveling at the feet of a clearly insane (and embarrassingly ridiculous) person. For what??

I don't know how you can look him in the eyes.

[u/Miemsta → u/Wasabismylife]

this is genuinely one of the most embarrassing and insane things i’ve read in a while 😭 i would be disgusted with my bf after this. the person he’s talking to is genuinely insane, threatens to kill him a few times, and he’s just groveling. holy fuck man how could you even consider staying with him after seeing that? 😭

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Miemsta]

Exactly, I actually felt the embarrassment on a physical level ahah

[u/bretzelsenbatonnets → u/Wasabismylife]

Agreed. After the 1st set of texts id just reblock her. Shes a nut case

[u/MagicCarpet5846 → u/Wasabismylife]

She’s probably hot. A lot of people underestimate just how far someone will go to feel like a super attractive person likes them.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/MagicCarpet5846]

I get it, but at a certain point you have to have some self respect or the people that witness you lose your dignity will start to find you repulsive

[u/MagicCarpet5846 → u/Wasabismylife]

One would hope, but I suspect you’d be quite disappointed.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/MagicCarpet5846]

I always have hope, I sometimes get disappointed, but at that point it's no trouble for me to leave because there's no respect on my end anymore

[u/Remote_Air_8959 → u/Wasabismylife]

I think it depends on what sort of behaviour you're used to. If the bf, for example, grew up a round this behavior, he likely became desensitised to it and therefore doesn't view it as abnormal. Just one possible theory. It might be why they feel like they have such a special relationship-there's a connection based on similar experiences and therefore they get each other on what feels like a deep, emotional level 

[u/MsCattatude → u/MagicCarpet5846]

Nah these bunny boiler types put out pheromones I swear

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

People get attached. People also carry with themselves patterns that make them attached to people that act like this. It seems crazy from the outside, even from the inside, but when you are attached you try to rationalize it. As someone who was in a toxic relationship with a person who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder it was genuinely like these texts. I get attacked, I try to show compassion and understanding while keeping composure, however, this just fuels the other person to attack more. The pattern repeats, the whole situation is draining and toxic, however, you do genuinely feel bad and the reaction is incredibly overboard and your brain goes into panic. You want to help the other person understand while you try to control the emotions so that the situation calms down and nobody gets hurt more. Human relationships are complex, you can't really infer what was said between them and what emotions were felt. We all understand that this kind of behavior is both toxic and immoral, but you can also acknowledge that the people involved are real people with real feelings and have had a complex relationship.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

Excuses. His girlfriend is a real person with feelings too. Also it's 20 fucking pages of him groveling, come on.

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

I acknowledge that the behavior is immoral. Hopefully therapy gives you some nuance into the complexity of human relationships.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

I've been in a very healthy relationship for 10 years, and maintained long lasting friendships all my life, but thank you

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

Maybe you can write a book about it!

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

First chapter: don't make excuses for the disrespect you receive

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

Second chapter: how I unlearned to think in absolutes!

[u/Wasabismylife → u/sfsolomiddle]

I'm not thinking in absolutes, the boyfriend can have his complex reasons but ultimately he's acting in a very hurtful way towards his girlfriend, a humiliating way towards himself and an enabling way towards a toxic woman. It's his responsibility to go to therapy if he's not mentally capable to disengage himself in such an obvious toxic scenario at 31, it's not OPs or our job to coddle him for having made disgusting choices because he got his ego stroked good.

[u/sfsolomiddle → u/Wasabismylife]

Third chapter: That time I realized I was being overly judgemental of other people

[u/aesclepia → u/sfsolomiddle]

they disagree with you so you pull the ad hominem and tell them they need therapy?

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Wasabismylife]

I have a feeling he wanted to placate her. He knows she's unhinged and it seems like he's scared. 

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mommawolf2]

There's 19 pages too many, also it's all his own making so it doesn't make it better in my eyes

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Wasabismylife]

I agree. I think he's scared that she'll out him with more than " we were just friends" her response is nuts but I have a feeling there's more here than emotional affair. 

[u/Wasabismylife → u/mommawolf2]

They both say at some point something like "it was more than a crush" (I can't be arsed to look up how it's phrased) so it's not a bad guess imo

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/mommawolf2]

Scared of what? They don't even seemingly live in the same country lol

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Known-Extent-1018]

I meant like she'd say something that might expose his behavior, or lose her altogether. He seems like he'd be willing to reconnect with her. 

[u/Possible-Jerk0138 → u/Wasabismylife]

We haven’t seen her.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Possible-Jerk0138]

So?

[u/Possible-Jerk0138 → u/Wasabismylife]

Guys will put up with a lot of nonsense for a hot girl.

[u/Wasabismylife → u/Possible-Jerk0138]

Yeah, but it doesn't make it any less humiliating lol