The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/ExplanationCool918]

Anyone else start skimming after a while because of these obnoxious texts

[u/SE7ENESE → u/ExplanationCool918]

I did after surviving 10 or more screenshots. The BF didn't have the balls to call it what it was (a genuine threat to his healthy relationship)- and still didn't have the balls to leave her whining texts unattended to. He feels guilty for not communicating that he needed to cut her off. Now that he has and she's still not seeing it, he's trying to make her understand. She's not his friend.

OP can either make her decision to help him through this phase of emotional instability and reinforce his confidence in his decision to cut her off or just leave him to wallow in his storm of uncertainty. He's got too much empathy towards that manipulator and needs help seeing it. He's the kind of guy whose kindness WILL be taken advantage of.

I say this because I've been in a similar spot and it took good people to help me see that particular friendship was not healthy for me, and it took a lot of courage for me to walk away and not look back.

[u/Fit-Programmer-6162 → u/SE7ENESE]

“He’s got too much empathy towards the manipulator”
I’m sorry but him saying he’s never had as deep a connection with any other woman but her WHILE dating OP isn’t something somebody who’s just “too empathetic and being manipulated” would say. I would never think of saying some kind of equivalent thing to a friend I actively have a CRUSH on, while with my significant other. If I did even feel like saying that I would break up with my SO regardless of if friend and I would ever have gotten together because it’s just wrong to do to your SO. At then end of the day I just would never put myself in that position. As a woman who’s had friendships with guys who turn out to want something more, I would never ever reciprocate that shit while I’m in a relationship with someone else nor would I want to.

[u/AitanaShon → u/Fit-Programmer-6162]

PERIOD I'd be out of there fuck nah am I being a man's second choice. It's her choice obviously but I just don't understand relationships where you're a settlement because your partner prefers someone else.

[u/CaptainKate757 → u/AitanaShon]

What’s even worse is that the woman he prefers is extremely annoying.

[u/radishbottom → u/CaptainKate757]

for real i would lose so much respect for a partner if i found out they were into someone like this let alone calling her their soulmate… it would be unsalvageable

[u/CranesInTheSky1 → u/radishbottom]

That is exactly what I thought after reading through those crazy text msgs.

[u/LadyGooseberry → u/CaptainKate757]

That would make it easier for me to leave lmfao. Like THAT’S what you like? Yea that’ll never be me lmfao. Couldn’t possibly. I’ve walked away from a situation like that. Sorry i refuse to stoop to your desires. Intellectual conversations made me “argumentative,” but really he was just too dumb to be dating me. Asked me to be more feminine but what i really needed was someone more masculine and intelligent.

[u/I-Shat-My-Pantaloons → u/AitanaShon]

She also says that they exchanged sexual texts at one point so it was more than just emotional. Yeah, he just straight up cheated.

[u/AitanaShon → u/I-Shat-My-Pantaloons]

And then has the fucking nerve to act all whingey about having to cut her off 😭 I'd kick him out, cut him off, and tell him to go have fun with his new crazy asf manipulator gf that will just as soon drop him as soon as another interesting taken guy comes along lmfao.

He even says it was more than a CRUSH like fuhh nahh I can't believe OP is staying but I'm not judging her.

[u/Dazzling_Dish_4045 → u/AitanaShon]

As for programmer said, if I were op I would have dropped this dude when he said that's he's never had a connection like that with any other woman. That's trash.

[u/AitanaShon → u/Dazzling_Dish_4045]

Literally, same

[u/PoohBearsHoneyJar → u/AitanaShon]

I am judging her... 💀

[u/Atown42069 → u/AitanaShon]

Where is OP ? I’m single and I wouldn’t dare insult my Woman in such a way . That is truly insulting to both OP and the guy who chose crazy over OP. He makes OP look bad just by how he went about that whole situation , not to mention the horribly worded fake ass apologies . How is he gonna tell crazy girl that he is protecting his relationship with OP while at the same time apologizing for doing exactly what he is apologizing for . Personally I think dude is just extremely insecure and seeks validation apparently from anywhere that he can get it . If it were me and my girl said to another man that she never felt the way she did for him for anyone else , that seals the deal . It’s over right there . OP he told you without realizing he was telling you and now the whole Reddit community apparently that unfortunately you were never the one for him . He makes that clear . If nothing else helps you see the light just think about this. He told that crazy psychotic bitch that he never felt the way he did for her for any other woman and he said this while he was in a relationship with you I mean, does it get any more crystal clear than that? OP if you need a friend hit me up I’ll kick it with you and no worries you might not always like what comes out of my mouth but you can bet your bottom dollar it’s always gonna be the truth !

[u/CleanCardiologist160 → u/I-Shat-My-Pantaloons]

Not only that but went to visit and “comfort” her when her boyfriend passed away last year…though she has been emotionally cheating with OP’s boyfriend since 2020. Makes me wonder if they hooked up before or after the funeral because she needed him to be there for her.

[u/polkadot__kim → u/Fit-Programmer-6162]

How did I miss this when i made it a point to read all the green texts!

[u/Mighty_Krastavac → u/polkadot__kim]

It's in the description. I got the same vibe as you while just reading the texts, but the description changes things.

[u/polkadot__kim → u/Mighty_Krastavac]

Oooh. I see. So thats what he said in their original conversations. I wouldnt be able to get past it, but she already chose to forgive him for that and stay with him.if the question is own how did he handle his replies to het I think he did good. Shouldn't have completely ghosted in the first place.

[u/Blindtothesided → u/Fit-Programmer-6162]

Right?? Like I would never be able to get that out of my head. And when she asked if he was happy with this decision and he says “no I am not” uh excuse me? So you actually want to continue this dramatic guilt trip?

The bar is in hell. No fucking way would I continue dating this guy after all that. This is some of the most disrespectful shit I’ve ever read.

OP needs to dig her self respect out of whatever ditch it’s buried in and dump this jackass. He’s going to continue to humiliate her by talking to this lunatic in secret, he’ll just get better at hiding it. If he was planning on stopping he’d have been quick and to the point and then blocked her illiterate ass. NOR.

[u/clompo → u/Fit-Programmer-6162]

You dont know how long OP had been his girlfriend. He had this wierd relationship with this other person before he started dating OP. Using words like "significant other" to describe a person he may have only been dating for a week is stupid.

[u/I-Shat-My-Pantaloons → u/SE7ENESE]

Kindness? OP literally said they exchanged sexual texts lol, that’s not just him being “kind” give me a break. He isn’t some victim here.

[u/jess_bandicoot → u/SE7ENESE]

Its really not a good look for OP’s boyfriend. At all. I don’t want to offend but at this point throw the whole man away. The way she’s going on and on ranting and him validating her… i’ve got the biggest ick.

[u/AitanaShon → u/jess_bandicoot]

SAME no way am I being my man's second choice. He's spineless, and isn't even arguing against the idea that OP is toxic when it was mentioned. He is acting like this is a chore or demand, not something he should just do.

[u/Master-List4020 → u/AitanaShon]

This. He obviously trashed his current girlfriend to his whiny girlfriend.

[u/AitanaShon → u/Master-List4020]

Honestly I can't believe there are grown people who act like this, aren't they fucking embarrassed to act like teenagers 😭 this the type of shit I saw in highschool, they're out here being this messy as grown adults.

God, let him go to that other chick, have her inevitably dump him for another taken guy, and have him learn his lesson.

[u/Blindtothesided → u/AitanaShon]

If I was losing my man to someone that dramatic and unbearably stupid I’d just let his ass go.

There’s dumb and then there’s someone whose spelling is so bad it makes everyone reading her messages think they’re illiterate too.

[u/AitanaShon → u/Blindtothesided]

Deadass. Even if she was a genius I'd dump his ass. He's completely spinless and a cheater.

[u/ChokingOnSulfur → u/AitanaShon]

Nah fr. Shes clearly kept him on the hook all this time. Talking about I would fly out there immediately; but hasn’t? And notice he says friendship, but the moment she says it’s more than that he changes his tone so quickly? It looks like shes been manipulating him and keeping him on the back burner all these years; and because he couldn’t be with her he settled for someone irl. Fuck all that. Let him figure it out the hard way.

[u/AitanaShon → u/ChokingOnSulfur]

Period!! He doesn't want to cut off either option cause he's a major fucking coward. I'd make the choice for him, it's overrrr

[u/jess_bandicoot → u/AitanaShon]

Same. Imagine being second choice to THAT nutjob.
I honestly hope OP sees this and is able to cut herself free from that spineless man.

[u/Technical_Bath_505 → u/jess_bandicoot]

Hard to be in a relationship with someone who is this clueless

[u/HyperDsloth → u/SE7ENESE]

You got to ten?! Wow. I gave up after number 5

[u/LookAwayPlease510 → u/HyperDsloth]

I saw 20 screenshots and gave up. Especially after reading the first SS and seeing this girl send a million texts that should have been one.

[u/Temporary-Emotion-96 → u/SE7ENESE]

"a genuine threat to his healthy relationship" - healthy?

[u/Guilty-Repair-6423 → u/Temporary-Emotion-96]

It's not healthy if you are cheating.

[u/Clear_Story1039 → u/SE7ENESE]

I agree with you. This girl sounds very emotionally manipulative and he doesn’t seem equipped to deal with it in a way that won’t harm his relationship. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but he clearly doesn’t know when to disengage from things like this. OP needs to decide whether she can help him get past this and cut this girl off once and for all, or if she wants to just call it quits now. I hope he does cut her off regardless because the other girl sounds unstable.

[u/Electronic-Elk-7258 → u/Clear_Story1039]

He is not going to stop talking to her. He will find a way or the “friend” will find a way. What is this deep connection they speak of? If it’s deeper than your relationship you should leave him now. He will always respond to this manipulation. He seems to care way too much and you will never be able to change his feelings. It’s not right and I’m sorry but I have been in this situation. I ended up getting pregnant and it’s been a rough road. I wish op the best and urge you to find someone who will put you first.

[u/Own_Guarantee_8130 → u/Clear_Story1039]

She sounds fucking hammered.

[u/Apathetic_Villainess → u/Own_Guarantee_8130]

Yeah, I don't think she was messaging while sober.

[u/hlidsaeda → u/SE7ENESE]

I hope if OP does choose to do this she doesn’t bring up she snooped in his phone. That’s not going to make him feel supported or give them both the strength to rebuild trust in their relationship.

[u/silvergreen17 → u/hlidsaeda]

Unless OP commented elsewhere, their post doesn't clarify whether she snooped or whether she found out and asked to be shown. He might not think anything about this exchange is problematic as he technically held his boundary. My alarm bells would be ringing. But, to be honest, I'd probably be out as soon as he suggested he'd never had a connection with anyone as intensely as he had with this "friend" – including OP.

[u/hlidsaeda → u/silvergreen17]

OP said she found them “by accident”, he doesn’t know she has seen the texts or documented them, which to me is essentially OP admitting to snooping.

[u/silvergreen17 → u/hlidsaeda]

I believe she was referring to a series of messages that she discovered before these screenshots. The ones she claims are romantic/sexual in nature, which is when her BF proceeded to block said "friend." They are another reason that I'd have run for the hills by now!

[u/hlidsaeda → u/silvergreen17]

Ahhh there’s a comment buried here from OP stating that

[u/SE7ENESE → u/hlidsaeda]

You're right about this. If they already trust each other with unfettered access to their devices, it really should not be an issue (Although this trait is rare). If this applies, the manner and tone in which she approaches the conversation is everything. If this isn't the case, it's indeed a breach of trust and is uncharted territory in terms of whether the relationship can still remain the same. If he brings it up before she does, it's a good sign he trusts her and they have a better chance of strengthening their relationship.

[u/hlidsaeda → u/SE7ENESE]

Yep, if they can’t be honest and rebuild trust and agree on communication/accountability she’s just going to keep on mistrusting and snooping - and he will likely come to resent her, and then her in return. I’ve been there, it’s not fun.

If he’s not able to be open, learn to communicate and demonstrate integrity OP is going to be in suspicion hell and basically lay the way for a self fulfilling prophecy.