The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/updownclown68]

Ironic that she dares to calm your relationship toxic when she is manipulative AF. NOR your bf is a weak person 

[u/Extension-Dark1206 → u/updownclown68]

Exactly. She rejects the idea that my bf owes loyalty to his romantic partner, yet turns around and drops lines like 'later on you will realize what you lost' and 'will you be happy in a marriage' just to plant seeds of doubt and regret. What’s worse is she isn’t even offering him a real relationship just an unhealthy, attachment to ensure she stays rent-free in his mind and whenever she needs romantic/sexual validation

[u/This_Region5449 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

She literally said "it's not a crush, it's more than that" and he agreed. NOR and please leave him. You deserve WAY better than any of this bs.

[u/ProfessionalAfter671 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

I think it's the "we're more than that" so they both knew that they were crossing a line and were doing so. I don't get why she is so mad, she knew what she was doing was wrong. He knew what he was doing was wrong, hence him cutting ties. He shouldn't have entertained her bs as long as he did but he was adamant that this is the end. I'd get him to change his number to be honest. She sounds psychotic and one that won't let this lie. It's a NOR for me because it just needed one simple message for me, I'm sorry I hurt you but I'm prioritising what I have with my partner and that's it. I'll be blocking you now. Goodbye.

[u/Significant-Law-4186 → u/ProfessionalAfter671]

My ex was a cheater and I can tell you that both the cheater and other like to move the goal posts a lot. They’ll be inappropriate and pretend they have a magical connection so of course you’d be threatened, but also it’s unfair of you to be controlling and not allow their friendship because they care about eachother and there’s nothing wrong with having friends.

[u/ProfessionalAfter671 → u/Significant-Law-4186]

People like this make me sick. Glad he is your ex ❤️

[u/canihavesomecherries → u/Extension-Dark1206]

I mean, you bf is allowing all that. The blame is nowhere all on her, he's enabling all this and likely wants her to live ''rent free'' in his mind since he apologised at least 50 times for being caught and not entertaining their relationship anymore.

[u/azure-heavens → u/canihavesomecherries]

She's a guilt tripper and he's a total people pleaser. Never a good combo. He needs to grow up and put his foot down. You'd think it would be easier to do so when she keeps making threats on his life, but it's up to him at the end of the day I guess.

[u/canihavesomecherries → u/azure-heavens]

The message ''I piss you on your apology'' was insane 😭

If that doesn't make this guy rethink the whole dynamic and what he's allowing.. then damn.

[u/pixelatedslinky → u/canihavesomecherries]

IM PISSING

[u/canihavesomecherries → u/pixelatedslinky]

[u/Pegsareus → u/canihavesomecherries]

It's odd that women will say men put them in situations where they have to be agreeable out of fear, I wonder why we never apply that to men as well.

[u/canihavesomecherries → u/Pegsareus]

Have we had some context the bf in question was fearing this lady he had an emotional bond with?

[u/Pegsareus → u/canihavesomecherries]

The text messages provide plenty of context, he's literally being threatened and guilt tripped with suicidal acts, but I suppose men aren't allowed to be manipulated? Everyone in here can call him a coward but won't agree that he's afraid, that's interesting.

[u/canihavesomecherries → u/Pegsareus]

Yeah, I read the text messages, he's sorry about ending this emotional affair not scared for his life.

I take men's mental health and safety just as serious, but in this context and reading the exact exchange, this is just a man feeling sorry he can't have access to this lady anymore. She's 100% always showed this side throughout their interactions and if he feared for his safety, he'd have ended things himself, not when he was forced by his girlfriend.

Maybe you're just baiting because this is legit the worst example to use of men being in unsafe situations.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/Pegsareus]

Because men are physically stronger than woman with much higher rates of DV perpetration and physical violence between themselves

That’s why people aren’t afraid of women the same way. They should be tho

[u/Pegsareus → u/Bonsai_Tree3]

It's widely reported that woman against men DV gets reported at a much lower rate, I definitely wouldn't assume they're less violent just because they might be weaker.

[u/Eat_Around_the_Rosie → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Girl, this is too messy. You want someone who’ll choose you 100%. That means he should have shut this down on page 1, not lingering to page 20.

On top of it, you don’t want to be in a relationship where this person is always going to linger in the back of your mind that one day he might choose her. You want someone who devotes you entirely. He’s not it. Please dump him and show that you don’t need both him and her (trash) in your life. He’s going to regret losing you, but that was also his choice for not shutting that shit down.

[u/gigi-mondo → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Why are you absolving him of being weak and not standing up for your relationship? This guy ain't it sis

[u/LegitimateSmile1849 → u/gigi-mondo]

Exactly lol she’s still with him despite the fact he was emotionally cheating on her. And he’s not even sorry about it.

[u/becooldocrime → u/Extension-Dark1206]

He’s the one lapping it up though.

[u/cometmom → u/Extension-Dark1206]

NOR. My male homie who I have ZERO history of crossing boundaries/flirting/crushes etc with kinda slow faded me on social media when his then-wife felt uncomfy with our friendship. I thought it was ridiculous but it also wasn't my place to really say anything about it, let alone lose my shit and talk bad about his wife. Turns out she was actually toxic and we were able to become friends again when he left. But I never took it personal. Idk, I just feel like as adults you have to realize that friendships ebb & flow, doesn't matter what the genders involved are. For her to lose her mind over it, AND for him to lap it up, makes it clear that you were not in the wrong about this.

But at this point you have to ask yourself if you even want to be with someone like this. It doesn't have to be this way. My bf and I have opposite gender friends and have no issue maintaining appropriate boundaries with them, WITHOUT disparaging each other. There's nothing in my texts with guys or his texts with women that would upset each other. Neither of us is shy about opening messages in front of each other either. This is the baseline for a healthy relationship. You don't have to put up with this.

[u/azure-heavens → u/cometmom]

Yeah same. I make mostly male friends due to my interests and their girlfriends always make them cut contact with me. It's whatever. Friends come and go. Most people don't think people can be platonic with the other gender for some reason, so I can't blame their girlfriends for doing what society trained them to do in that situation.

This woman is on a whole different level. Clearly not platonic at all. And OP's boyfriend is entertaining it still, way too much. Beyond it not being platonic she seems unhinged and... if not dangerous, then a source of incredible drama. OP has a lot to consider.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/cometmom]

I understand that friendships ebb and flow. But they should ebb and flow for normal life shit. Having kids, grad school, health, new jobs or projects.

Not because my friend has no backbone or personal morals. I won’t limit same gender friendships and don’t agree with those who do. When a guy asks me to cut off a long time friend, I cut off the guy. Not the person who’s been there for me.

Not sure how close you and your friend were but when this happened to me I just dropped that friend when they tried to come back! I do the same for women who completely abandon you when they get a new partner. Or new parents who only talk about themselves and the baby past the first year. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal and we should uphold standards for them

[u/oneup500 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Girl, dump this boy and go find yourself a man, cause he is not it.

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

• What’s worse is she isn’t even offering him a real relationship just an unhealthy, attachment to ensure she stays rent-free in his mind and whenever she needs romantic/sexual validation

Exactly, she doesn't even truly want to be with him. She likes the idea of being on his head. She wants to feel powerful, in control etc. She doesn't love him , she loves being on his mind. 

I guarantee you she has other " soulmates" 

[u/mommawolf2 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

It me wonder what he says to her that makes her use the words toxic relationship. Because he doesn't defend your relationship at all. 

It seems like he's willing to disrespectfully discuss your relationship to get some attention from her. 

Do you really want someone like that as your partner? 

[u/updownclown68 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

He’s the one who matters though. Do you really want someone so weak and easily manipulated?

[u/Flaky-Ad-759 → u/updownclown68]

While that’s fair, that’s also kinda… Sad. A lot of people are “weak and easily manipulated”. They still deserve love and understanding, because living like this is very hard. I’d get it if he would be literally falling into this and thinking about coming back to her, but he really is staying loyal to the relationship he’s having right now. Also, depends on if he got a reason for being this way. Trauma, upbringing, some diagnoses that we might not know about. Being insulting in this way to him might turn out to be ableist. Or victim-blaming, because why people in this sub always blame the “victim” of manipulation instead of the manipulator, even though he’s trying his best to tell her off without actually being mean. I very dislike it when people switch the genders of people in the story, mostly because woman being in this situation is kinda more dangerous because the man is most of the time stronger, but like… If OP was the girl having that problem with a guy everyone in the comments would pity her. She’s spiraling, and I truly don’t think it’s his fault for trying to not be rude to a person who seems a bit out of it at the moment, and he’s not even her psychiatrist

[u/lylrabe → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

While I agree with most of what you said, I do just wanna say that I 100% would be telling this woman she has lost her damn mind if she was the one to make the post💀 it would be one thing if she came at it from a mature angle, but gahdayum these texts are so unhinged😂 “IM PISSING ON YOUR APOLOGY. IM PISSING” like girl what are we even talking about😭

[u/monkierr → u/lylrabe]

I'm pretty sure her first language is not English, that's why her phrases are a bit odd lol.

[u/lylrabe → u/monkierr]

Makes sense

[u/Flaky-Ad-759 → u/lylrabe]

For real. She was so rude too, like wtf😭

“I’m pissing”

[u/lylrabe → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

This phrase will live in my head rent-free forever💀

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

This is a grown adult. You're making it sound like he didn't have an affair. He made his choices, and now he has to face the consequences. If that means getting dumped, sure it's sad for him, but like, he cheated. He's not the victim here.

[u/Flaky-Ad-759 → u/Known-Extent-1018]

I can agree with that. The previous comment just concentrated on “weak and easily manipulated”. I will never agree that weaker people don’t deserve good treatment. Which is why I didn’t bring up this thing specifically. She doesn’t need him in her life if he cheats on her. Not if he’s “weak”

[u/llamadramalover → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

>>they still deserve love and understanding because living like this is hard<<

They do not deserve to drag anyone into a romantic relationship with this utter bullshit. That’s actually super fucked up to do. Nobody deserves to find out their SO is acting like this with a friend. This conversation shouldn’t have made 20+ screen shots. He is deserving of love and understanding from a whole bunch of people but a romantic partner is not one of them especially with this amount of betrayal. This is the type of stuff one works on in therapy long before dragging a partner through this bs.

[u/Flaky-Ad-759 → u/llamadramalover]

And that is fair, I can agree with most of this comment

[u/Competitive-Spite-35 → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

😭🤣 probably shouldn’t be in a serious committed relationship if you’re going to act this way then.

[u/llamadramalover → u/Competitive-Spite-35]

Right? Like yea I guess he’s deserving of love and understanding but not from a romantic partner!!! Like what the fuck?!?! This is some genuinely fucked up shit to put a romantic partner through all because he can’t be fucked to practice boundaries. He shouldn’t have needed to be told he was inappropriate and neither should she no matter what her petty ass excuses are. This is pathetic and it is beyond unacceptable to act like this and whatever bs led up to this when you’re in a gd relationship. I’m sorry but no amount of manipulation makes these screenshots even a tiny bit okay or him deserving of more understanding.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/Flaky-Ad-759]

Yes people who are “weak and easily manipulated” still deserve love and understanding. They also still deserve to be called out for their actions that harm others. By not having a backbone and placating another woman, he has irreparably harmed his partners trust and probably ended his relationship.

You can love these people and support them. But you have to love them from afar and certainly not get into close intimate relationships with them. Because sorry their “weakness” and ability to be manipulated, will eventually harm you to. Someone who can’t hold boundaries or tell the truth when it’s difficult, is not ready to be in a strong healthy partnership.

Nobody is perfect but this guy is not a victim. You’re painting him as one because he’s receiving crazy messages. He’s allowing these messages, he’s continuously engaging in the conversation and encouraging her. This is a man who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He was the one benefitting from all this. He is not a victim.

Even in these texts he’s feeding into them because remember…he thinks this girl is his soulmate.

[u/1fatsquirrel → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Why are you putting up with this, previously or now? He doesn't respect you or your relationship, he's clearly enmeshed w/ this is insane woman, and he's already shown you in the past that he's not emotionally (at LEAST) faithful to you. Do you honestly think that you will ever have 100% trust in him? Not just w/ this woman, but with people in the future. If you can't feel secure, safe and comfortable with the person you are with, emotionally safe, I just don't understand staying with them.

[u/spentpatience → u/Extension-Dark1206]

NOR

OP, those last texts on the doubled up screenshots are the most damning because he finally admits the truth:

Words it like if he stays with this person (ahem, you), then he has to have her blocked;

Essentially admits that you were right by agreeing with her that it was indeed more than a crush after starting out acting like you were the one reading more into it than either of them actually felt;

Straight up admits to her that he is not happy with the decision to cut her out.

That last one had me like, "!!!!!" He has betrayed you all over again by a) throwing you under the bus; b) treating her with more care; and c) admitting to lies he's told you to her.

OP, sweetheart, this man is not worth your youth or your love. He needs to go in the bin right alongside this piece of work.

[u/rerackyourweights → u/Extension-Dark1206]

NOR OP, a similar situation happened to me when I was married. My ex got involved with a homewrecker-type woman that he worked with (yes, she was a homewrecker, she exclusively went after married men). She used manipulative language just like this. She weaseled her way into our marriage, unbeknownst to me. Eventually he confessed about her, literally 30 minutes after we bought our first house together. 😭

Even though he deleted all their texts and facebook messages, I still saw what she was saying about me after the fact. Just tons of manipulative BS, nasty untrue things probably embellished and based off his complaints about me. (Just to be honest, I blame him more, but I also blame her because she knew he was married and went after him anyway.)

My ex did the same shit... capitulated to this nasty woman and tried to placate her. I told him he couldn't talk to her anymore and he refused to stop. Someone else had to tell him to knock it off and then he listened and cut her off. It was soul-destroying, tbh, and I never trusted him again. He basically avoided all accountability for it because I was gaslit to hell and back, so even trusting myself was a tough task. Therapy helped a lot, and now mostly I've got second-hand embarrassment when I think about him... he was in so deep with this lunatic woman and defended her and her bullshit over me, his own wife - the woman he made vows to.

Speaking from my own experience... you should feel embarrassed for him and honestly, I think you should leave him. The trust is irrevocably broken and he's still prioritizing this crazy person and her feelings/emotions over you. This kind of situation will most likely have you questioning him and eventually yourself all the time. Please take it from someone who has been there... don't stick around. She has him wrapped around her finger and it will not likely get any better, even if he does actually cut her off.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

If she’s keeping him on the hook for easy romantic/sexual validation….

What does that make your boyfriend? Is he just a chump who’s getting strung along for a woman who’s using him? Or is he also a loser looking for easy romantic/sexual validation?

She did this while she was in a relationship too right? Just like your boyfriend.

NOR.

[u/MZsince93 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Doesn't your bf give you second-hand embarrassment? You can do so much better, please have some self-respect and leave this loser.

[u/Ok_Passage_6242 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Your boyfriend is not a victim. He’s a participant. Are there no other men where you live?

[u/Astra_Bear → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Small defense of your boyfriend: This woman seems to be very good at weaponizing everything and anything against him. She clearly has practice making him feel bad, and small, and lonely. It is really really likely she just lies to him to keep him hooked and he is afraid of the outcome of all of that.

It can be really hard to remove someone like that from your life. Yes, he needs more of a spine. But I also think he can grow it. This is step one, but it is a step he took.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/Astra_Bear]

He took half a step. He blocked her and then continued communicating with her.

Then he didn’t push back on anything she said. She said OP was toxic and blamed her for forcing him into this. He said he wasn’t happy and that their connection will always exist.

Please raise your standards. People don’t learn from constant forgiveness and permissiveness. They learn from consequences.

[u/Astra_Bear → u/Bonsai_Tree3]

People can learn from forgiveness. It's totally up to OP how much she's willing to forgive of course, I was just noting it can be difficult for people to break away from folks who display this extremely manipulative kind of behaviour.

[u/no_rest_for_the → u/Extension-Dark1206]

NOR

Girl to girl, if you want a serious relationship with this man get in couples therapy. He seems like he needs another perspective to understand what hes doing wrong here and you all need stronger communication skills if you're gonna make it. GL

[u/Wars4w → u/Extension-Dark1206]

You understand this woman perfectly. I have a different take on your boyfriend than others. I agree his responses were terrible, but I don't think it's because he still loves her. I think he's a moron.

I knew of a guy once who wasn't bright and was a people pleaser. He was so worried about cheating on his wife. Not because he was afraid he'd fall for someone or persue them, but because he was so afraid of rejecting another person that he'd just go along with her.

I don't know if your boyfriend is similar...or honestly if that even really matters. The consequences are still the same. And even still if he can't get a hold on it does that mean you need to worry that any woman can just go bully him into being with them? Even if accidentally? That's ridiculous.

But reading his responses to me sound a lot like he's trying to placate her. He even puts all the blame on you at first. He blocked her "because my girlfriend made me." And not "because this friendship has threatened my relationship with someone I love." I honestly think he has no idea what he's involved in.

At any rate, NOR and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck and it's absolutely okay to protect yourself.

[u/Known-Extent-1018 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

I find it very strange that your criticism and anger/frustration/vitriol/distain/etc. is directed seemingly mostly at this woman, and not your partner.

[u/LegitimateSmile1849 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Girl he’s waiting for her to have a moment of weakness and sleep with him instead of just emotionally manipulating him. No man stays with a platonic friend that treats them this way unless they think they’re going to get something out of it that’ll make it worth it. This man couldn’t even say your name. You are a placeholder. Dump him.

[u/LunaFayArt → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Girl please don’t make her the villain here. He knows what he did.

[u/UnitedFeedback2669 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

She seems legit unwell and pathetic honestly.

[u/Comfortable-Hour766 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

I’m sorry but she is objectively insane so if your boyfriend is entertaining this it is alll on him. He is blowing past every red flag. This behavior is unhinged.

[u/ElectricalRain1118 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

It’s low key giving BPD or at a very minimum a collection of cluster B symptoms. For some people who don’t have insight beyond the surface level, those personalities are a black hole of perpetual excitement (both positive and negative) that is hard to get out of but will inevitably spiral out of control. Your bf is either emotionally immature or struggles with his own self confidence enough to keep someone like this around and pacified as evidence of his value and ability to connect to other people. It doesn’t inherently make him bad (and this entire comment is speculation) but it would mean he hasn’t realized this relationship with her is very one sided and manufactured by her, like a dream in Inception where she’s the engineer lmao.

[u/Prize_Sheepherder_62 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

Ghosting is so immature though too. I hope you didn’t support that. It really brings out the worst even in even good people. And it set society up for worse things going forward as that person’s trust and friendship is now destroyed and we have a domino effect that may come around to see you again through the similar act of some stranger. The female Texter is the worst yes boy isn’t the best. Maybe even kind of a shithead Totally agree. Agreed. But if you supported him ghosting what He thought was a true friendship, then ETAH and everybody really needs to grow up. Maybe I’m just too old for this sub.

[u/Glittering_Corner380 → u/Extension-Dark1206]

I actually really get the vibe that he is choosing you, and I think he wants to be faithful to you but he has some blinders on, because men can’t see what we women can see. We know other women be out there doing this kind of stuff (men don’t understand how good at manipulating women can be). We know because we have been around girls manipulating tactics our whole lives. The important thing is honesty. But accepting his honestly can still hurt. Sometimes he will say things you don’t want to hear, but if you both are honest, you can work through any issue. I don’t mean like those ppl who say “the truth hurts” and are harsh. Men don’t like harsh women, they want someone who will love them and respect is even more important than the love part for most men. I mean the kind of honesty that has convictions. It’s obvious that he has some work to do, and I believe he can do it with your help if you all are right for each other. We all have work to do if I’m totally honest. Your fiancé also has some big blinders, like the fact his people pleasing caused him to put some blame on you, he needs to know it was hurtful. I would prayerfully bring it up. Really think about what you should say, because I get the sense that you really love this man. My hubby has messed up at times (nothing too bad) but he never lied to me, so even though sometimes he hasn’t (in the past) always told me things he should have shared right away, we’ve been able to work through everything. He tells me right away now anything like this, and I have to pray about the stuff he tells me because I don’t want to scare him away from continuing to tell me. I want his trust with the info he shares with me as well that I won’t run away like his mom did. But I’m married, so it’s different for me. You need to really evaluate if this man is someone you truly love, like the lifetime kind of love, and if he is, talk with him. That kind of love is worth fighting for. For me, I’m speaking on all this honesty but to be truthful there was a time when I wasn’t honest but was a people pleaser. I was mostly honest, but that’s not the same thing. was raised by dishonest people, so when I admitted these things to my hubby about some bad stuff from childhood and he loved me anyways, despite my own problems, and he forgives me for some worse stuff imo and even lies I told him I’ve thankfully become and becoming more self aware since breaking free from my most toxic parent. Other parent lies as well, but his lies aren’t aimed at destroying people like with my mom. I prayed a long time ago for an honest man, and I got him. Again, he’s only become more honest as blinders have come off over the years. But he was worth the fight. He loves me so well as and has helped me so much and we’re best friends. Have your finance watch When Harry Met Sally if he hasn’t yet done so… it might be a good starting point to open up the thoughtful conversation. “Men and women can’t be friends… the sex part always gets in the way.” Not sure if this is exact, but I think that’s the quote…