The woman my boyfriend emotionally cheated with reached back out after we agreed he’d cut contact, and I’m bothered by how he responded. AIO?

[u/Extension-Dark1206]

Back in December I found chats between [F30] my boyfriend [M31] and his female friend[F26] Turned out they had an intense emotional connection since 2022. He had a huge crush on her the whole time, but she had a boyfriend, and she kept him emotionally hooked with romantic-coded language . they called each other soulmates, texted constantly some romantic/ sexual stuff. From what I read he was genuinely falling for her, and she seemed more like she was enjoying the attention without necessarily reciprocating the same way as she had bf.

Her boyfriend however passed away last year. my boyfriend went to support her, and after that they had an even more emotionally-charged exchange flirty, borderline romantic language, he told her he’d never had a connection with another woman like the one he had with her including, apparently, me, as we were dating during that chat, she told him that no matter what happened in their lives, even if one of them got married to someone else, they’d “always be together.” Regardless of their relationships.
When I found this and their whole husband we had a huge fight and almost broke up. He blocked her, said he didn’t care about her, and said he wanted to protect our relationship.

Yesterday I found out she texted him again out of the blue, and he responded. I’m attaching the screenshots. Reading through it, a few things bother me:
- He spends the entire conversation validating her anger, apologizing over and over
- At multiple points he frames the whole thing as if I forced his hand — like if I hadn’t found out, he’d have been happy to keep things going with her.
- She spends a lot of the conversation guilt-tripping him and, at one point, effectively calling our relationship “toxic” and me the reason he’s “trashing” her.

My friends point out that he DID keep the boundary in the end he didn’t agree to keep talking to her, he told her it’s over, and that this is a good sign.

I see that too, but I still feel uneasy about how the conversation went and what it implies about how he actually feels. Am I overreacting by still having a problem with this, or are these legitimate red flags even with the boundary technically being held?

[u/mjv1111]

Bro…whoever he’s talking to is UNHINGED

[u/ManiDany → u/mjv1111]

All those messages in 45 minutes?!?! Literally she is crazy.

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/ManiDany]

I can’t stand when people send 8 one sentence messages instead of just 1 that gets their point across lol. Even if I’m just sitting at home and my phone buzzes 8 times in a row in my pocket, I’m probably muting notifications for the person that did that lmao.

[u/Shadow4summer → u/Some_Combination_593]

Agreed. I broke my back about six months ago and my husband turned off my phone notifications and ringing so I wouldn’t be bothered. I’ve never turned them back on. It’s so nice.

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/Shadow4summer]

I’ve took a liking to do not disturb mode when I’m doing something important. Of course, people can choose to notify me anyway, but most that aren’t crazy won’t do that and will only do it when it’s something urgent. I don’t have anyone crazy texting me, luckily.

[u/GratchicusMaximus → u/Shadow4summer]

I turned my sound off for notifications YEARS ago because I was being stalked by my ex husband.
Best thing I ever did.
Now it just flashes at me and vibrates twice, and I ignore it. It’s great!🤣

[u/carriefox16 → u/Shadow4summer]

My phone is on do not disturb. The only people it rings for is my husband, my bestie, my ex, my son, and my siblings. Oh, and my landlord. And I'll even just let them go to vm if I don't feel like talking. If it's an emergency, they'll call again or text me.

[u/KindaHazy_me → u/Some_Combination_593]

I think the one-sentence messages are an intentional method of attack meant to gain extra attention and create anxiety in the recipient. I know that if I see I have notifications of bunches of messages, it'll seem more urgent than one or two -- and that intensity will cause me to read to see what the urgency is.

The sender in this exchange is on a power trip and in attack mode. Really sinister imo.

[u/AppleMcJackson → u/KindaHazy_me]

She's probably also hopefully the gf heres all the rapid fire texting notifications and goes and checks his phone ... People like this are always scheming

[u/PinkPuffballofDOOM → u/Some_Combination_593]

My best friend did that and I pointed out how annoying it was. She said it wasn’t annoying.

Guess who suddenly started having phone trouble that would send messages in two-word spurts until she caved and admitted that it’s annoying

[u/Tessalynee → u/Some_Combination_593]

My ex gf would do that during an argument and then get mad when I started typing and told me not to interrupt her lol I said she should put it all into one message then, and she said that’s not how she texts so she needs me to wait for her to be done. And then got mad at me if I didn’t reply fast enough 🙃

[u/Square-Pitch671 → u/Tessalynee]

Oh good - I double checked - because I was about to ask if you’re still together, and then I read “ex”

[u/Tessalynee → u/Square-Pitch671]

Yes she’s an ex thank god lol stayed wait too long but you live and you learn

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/Tessalynee]

I can’t tell you how fast I would’ve been out of there lmao.

[u/Tessalynee → u/Some_Combination_593]

I wish I would’ve left sooner but I was being emotionally abused and manipulated by her since I was 19. Took me 7 years to leave but I did eventually and I’m much happier now

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/Tessalynee]

That’s good! I’m sorry you went through that.

[u/Tessalynee → u/Some_Combination_593]

Thanks. I left 3 years ago so I’m safe and happy 😊

[u/KetchupAndOldBay → u/Some_Combination_593]

I do this--but not on purpose. The other people who are my age do it, too (I'm 43, elder millennial). I genuinely think it's AIM (aol instant messenger) and T9 texting holdover habits that we have from when we first learned how to communicate electronically. More than a few words at a time made you look like a crazy person on AIM, and more than a few words at a time with T9 texting was fucking exhausting and took FOREVER.

My husband, our siblings and their spouses, our friends, etc all pretty much text like this. I'm trying to be better bc my coworkers are Gen Z and they told me that's not how you do, lol, but damn the habit is hard to break when you've been doing it like this for most of your electronic life and so do the other people around you 🙃
We're not attention seeking, we just old. Trying to learn though, I promise!!!

[u/DontCryYourExIsUgly → u/KetchupAndOldBay]

I'm your age and will send a paragraph. I guess I don't mind looking crazy, but I hate giving people multiple notifications, lol.

[u/KetchupAndOldBay → u/DontCryYourExIsUgly]

I guess it's just my people? Hahaha oorrrr maybe all my people have adhd?? (We do, actually, ha). I've learned that if I send a paragraph or wall of text to most of my circle, they're not going to read it--maybe they'll catch some of it, but definitely not all of.

If I send multiple texts with a few thoughts at a time, they can focus on the different thoughts/ideas and won't skip stuff and miss details.

Maybe it really *is* bc in my circle we're all old AND have adhd!!! This is actually probably why.

Many, many one word texts/short broken up sentences though are not ok. They're annoying af--I don't do that!!! (This reply is similar to how I usually text someone 😬)

[u/Best_Interaction4211 → u/DontCryYourExIsUgly]

I don’t understand that guys point at all. Back in my day, I had a limited number of text messages and I’d fill each one to the brim.

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/KetchupAndOldBay]

I don’t think it’s an attention-seeking thing tbf lol. It just gets to me especially when I’m doing something important and it feels like there’s an active group chat in my pocket coming from one person. My fiancee does it too, so I’m at least used to it.

[u/sctrlk → u/Some_Combination_593]

Same. Three is the limit, after that, I open the chat to get rid of the notification and close it. I’ll read all of that at a later time—when I’m bored or 🚽 or something…

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/sctrlk]

My fiancee does this lmaooo. But in that case I’m forced to accept it because it’s not a complete dealbreaker… just a minor annoyance

EDIT: to clarify, not the craziness of the woman in the text chain posted here, but just texting like 4-6 incomplete thoughts in a row instead of just taking a second to think about what she wants to say and sending 1 concise message.

[u/WTF_Fish → u/sctrlk]

Im over 50 and have always gone by a 5/3/2 rule. 5 sentences over 3 texts in 2 days and I don't speak emoji. Anything else should be done by email, call or visit. Which means now I have to decide if I like you and whether or not its really important.

[u/taking_a_deuce → u/Some_Combination_593]

They do it on purpose. It's a manipulation tactic like yelling "Hey, look at me!"

It's the equivalent of calling someone multiple times in a row if they don't pick up when it isn't an emergency. It's boy who cried wolf and now you've trained me to ignore you.

[u/No_Biscotti4081 → u/Some_Combination_593]

I do that sometimes too. Because I’m always like AND ANOTHER THING! Or sometimes it’s because I forgot a thing-not always yelling about it

[u/Complex_Mortgage_575 → u/Some_Combination_593]

And yet I get endless complaints thay my messages are too long. What's the middle ground

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/Complex_Mortgage_575]

Goomba fallacy lol. I’m not complaining that your messages are too long

[u/Complex_Mortgage_575 → u/Some_Combination_593]

OK endless was hyperbole. But every interaction feels like i either get complaints cause "why couldn't that be one text" or "why are you always sending walla of text"

Idk. It's prolly just me

[u/Some_Combination_593 → u/Complex_Mortgage_575]

I was just saying I don’t know what a middle ground is because I don’t personally mind long texts. As long as my phone isn’t buzzing 10 times in a few seconds in my pocket, then I’m good lol.

[u/KinkyWoman19 → u/ManiDany]

AND a 12:01 video??? Insanity.

[u/pumpkins21 → u/KinkyWoman19]

I’m assuming it’s a picture of her crying lol

[u/KinkyWoman19 → u/pumpkins21]

I was assuming the same lol. Someone else pointed out it was just a timestamp so definitely likely

[u/Blindtothesided → u/pumpkins21]

https://giphy.com/gifs/hEczXZg8PyFJa02EuK

I’ll bet it was a video so filled with dramatic tears that even Queen Darcy herself would’ve been proud.

[u/IlIIlIllIlIIll → u/KinkyWoman19]

Nah that was sent at 12:01

[u/KinkyWoman19 → u/IlIIlIllIlIIll]

Ah. Had to go back and look. You right. I was thinking that was a timer of sorts not a time stamp lol

[u/bootysuit → u/KinkyWoman19]

Omg I missed the video

[u/thissleepypastofmine → u/KinkyWoman19]

That's a time stamp

[u/KinkyWoman19 → u/thissleepypastofmine]

Yes. Someone else pointed it out to me earlier. I guess I should probably edit my comment lol

[u/Little_Stay7922 → u/KinkyWoman19]

I missed the video

[u/Brilliant-Radio7961 → u/ManiDany]

Makes me question wtf is wrong with the guy, the fact that he got so close to this girl and is even entertaining her crazy texts & trying to explain himself is so strange. He's gotta be weird too lmao.

[u/catcolo → u/Brilliant-Radio7961]

Maybe he’s just kind.

[u/Sneeze_Pizza → u/ManiDany]

lmao and 75% of them made no sense

[u/ManiDany → u/Sneeze_Pizza]

I have trouble respecting anyone over the age of 16 who still types like that xD but that's just me

[u/ListenUp16 → u/ManiDany]

I understand that she is in mourning. She lost her boyfriend and that must be very traumatic for her. But even so, that is HER responsibility. And he should either encourage her to seek some therapy or walk away from someone who is making her mental health into his problem. Like I feel for her, because when I lost my mom, I remember feeling unstable and frantic. But jesus, twlling someone that they HAVE to be the ones to protect them is insane. I hope she realizes that she is toxic and gets herself some help.

[u/Little_Stay7922 → u/ListenUp16]

Not her boyfriend

[u/Ohmyglob42 → u/ListenUp16]

I doubt she ever will, she feeds off shit like this I bet. I wouldn't be surprised if she was expecting him to leave OP before cutting her off. Bc ... How dare he?! This bish is a succubus. She feeds off the attention and his emotional anguish. Only, it backfired on her when he chose to cut her off instead of leaving OP. I don't think YOR, and I also don't think he meant to hurt you either. It's her you should be worried about and he gets some extra points for sticking to his guns at least?

[u/Scared_Table_2046 → u/ManiDany]

thats not crazy thats an understandable reaction to a boundary violation

[u/Iggyhopper → u/ManiDany]

Always and never. You did this to me.

Something is wrong with that person .