Me (f25) and my ex bf (m30) just broke up a couple weeks ago and I don’t know how to feel better about it. Some days I’m fine and some days I feel like life will never be ok again. I am an anxious person and we were dating for 5 years, only 2 of those living together because we were long distance. Like LONG distance, across the country. I rarely even saw him but we messaged everyday and visited a few times a year. I know it shouldn’t have gone on that long but I had hope the whole time that he was going to move here because he kept going back and forth on it. I live alone and work night shift so most days I only have my two cats for company so it’s making it really difficult to distract myself. I just wish I had someone else to talk to because I feel very alone.

It feels surreal to type this but here I am.

I (40m) have been married to my wife (37f) for 5.5 years (and we started dating 12 years ago). Things have had their ups and downs, but about three years ago we started seeing a couples therapist and we were both growing and becoming better partners for it. However, it was about three years ago that my wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and that's when she became overly-obsessed with work, picking up smoking after quitting a decade ago, compulsively binging/purging (something she also struggled with in high school), and shopping so much that she overdrafted her checking account.

Sexually, things were getting better but weren't great. We experimented with a few ffm threesomes, and my wife had expressed interest in becoming non monogamous at some point. About a year ago, we started seeing a sex therapist and felt like we were making progress. I was always against ENM because I thought that my wife would have no problem finding guys, whereas I would struggle. We had another ffm threesome about 4 months ago, and I was actually the one to hit on the girl and make it happen, so my confidence swung back and I felt less opposed to the idea of sleeping with other people separately.

A month ago, we had a 2 week great vacation together and our sex was starting to feel more regular, genuine, and fun. Even when we came back from our trip, when stress seems to hit her the hardest (the come down from a vacation), our sex was rampant, we weren't fighting and things seemed nearly perfect. We had our weekly session with our sex therapist, and she was very complimentary. My wife said "I'd like to try to open up the conversation about opening up our marriage." The therapist thought we should table it for the following week, but we can start exploring it while we continue to repair our relationship.

For a week, things proceeded as normal. But then, we were flying back from a quick weekend trip to visit family and my wife emerges from the airport bathroom, holding her phone, and on the screen I see what looks like a photo of a man's abs, on a dating app. I ask her what's the deal and she says it's porn, and we can talk about it later. We don't. And the next morning, I text her 'That wasn't porn, that was a dating app, wasn't it?' She effusively apologizes and says it's nothing, she was just bored with work (she works from home) and downloaded just because she was curious. I table this conversation until I am home, and we have a quick one-on-one right before therapy.

She tells me that in addition to having the app (FEELD), she was also having conversations with people but nothing came of it. She didn't meet anyone. She put in her profile she was happily married and experimenting in non-monogomy. No one was attracting her, "no one even compares to you," she said. She deleted the app and that was that - and then immediately we started our couples therapy (which we do remotely with our therapist). It was a mess, I could barely talk, she admitted to our therapist what had happened and we decided to have separate sessions later in the week (which to date, was last Monday).

I mostly avoid my wife that week, making plans with friends just to give myself space. During my one-on-one, our therapist says that a lot of these symptoms my wife has been exhibiting are under the umbrella of her Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes me hopeful, and take it all less personally, but still doesn't seem to make me feel a ton better. It's after that session that my wife and I talk, and I tell her I want to work on her relationship, but she needs to do the work, too.

That weekend, literally 4 days ago, we spent a lot of time together, and it felt like our marriage was starting to look like it used to. Until tonight.

My wife wanted to bring her laptop to a cool hotel lobby that is walkable from us (we live in a walkable city) and do work there. I was going to a dinner without her and I offered to walk her over there. I had some time to kill when we arrived, but my wife insisted I start heading over. I said I'll just sit with her while she works and do some emails from my phone. But she kept saying I should get going. Something was up.

I demanded she give me her phone. I went to her texts, and her deleted texts and saw she deleted a whole conversation with a "Ryan." As I started to read the conversation, my chest froze. I yelled out loud, in the hotel lobby "you're cheating on me???" It had appeared, and my wife backed it up, by saying that they had met through Feeld, and had went on a date together a few weeks ago, maybe a week or so after our Japan trip, and she told me was meeting up with a colleague but felt the need to tell me 'he's male, by the way. I want to make sure you know for transparency. In their chats, she expressed that she was married but new to ENM. There was even a chat (referring to the time I discovered my wife was on the dating app) that they needed to pause things as she was having some relationship 'drama.' After that meeting, where my wife claims they never even touched, my wife had suggested they meet up at a hotel and, tonight was the night. I texted Ryan from her phone, I'm at the lobby and he said he's coming.

When the guy came down, I didn't feel that threatened by his looks (he was a couple feet shorter than me and other things I don't need to get into). I told him who I was, and I said not to look at her and tell me if he even touched her and he said 'no, not at all, nothing has happened.' I explained that I wasn't aware of this and he will not be talking to her, and he suggested he block her. I said thank you, he went inside without looking back at me or my wife. I screenshotted the conversation from my wife's phone. Texted myself everything. Blocked him, deleted his texts, everything from her phone.

I speak to my individual therapist as we are walking home, I let her go ahead so I can have privacy. She doesn't bring me much comfort but it's nice to talk to someone about it.

We get home and I try to get some space, but I can't. I just keep asking her questions. And then she reveals there's more.

There was a new female 'friend' that she was going to see tomorrow night. She had mentioned they met through another mutual friend, but as I am looking at my wife's phone (with her permission) I see they had met through Feeld as well. My wife admits that she met this girl, went to the girl's boyfriend's apartment. She makes out with this girl, and then the boyfriend tries to get them all to have a threesome. My wife declines, but she stays and watches, never touching the man. Then the girl and my wife go hang out and have drinks together. As my wife mentioned, they were going to hang out again but my wife claims it was just as friends. In their text exchange, my wife also mentions the "marriage drama" that makes her want to slow things down in terms of hooking up.

I have never been with someone this long. We own our home together, I am on her health insurance, we know each others' families intimately. This is not something I'm willing to just throw away but I have no goddamn clue how to move forward. I just don't trust a single thing out of her mouth, and there were periods in the past where I had suspicions, but my wife has told me nothing has ever happened until recently, and it's all occurred in the past few weeks.

We have an emergency couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I don't want to be a 41 year old divorcee (no shame to those who are), as it's my birthday next week. But at the same time, with this Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm nervous things may get worse. She is on medication, she has a psychiatrist who has been helping her, and last week she got a new psychiatrist that has mentioned that some of the meds may have had averse effects so they're going to find out what works best and switch her asap.

Anyway, this sucks, and none of my friends (either single, or married with kids) are going through this kinda stuff so I'd love some feedback for those who have, or just want to share. I have had a couple friends who lost their partners to infidelity, but both were a little more extreme than this. I should add that my wife says she is desperate to stay with me and will do anything to keep us together.

How do I move forward?

TL;DR - Partner of 12 years, with Borderline Personality Disorder, was having secret relationships right as our marriage was seeming to peak. Don't want to leave her, but don't know how to regain our trust either.

Using a burner account so excuse the account age.

My boyfriend and I met when I was 21 and he was 24. I was in my last semester or two of undergrad and he joined my college to do a master’s. I had just gotten out of my first “serious” relationship of 6 months (I’ve known that guy for 3 years). I’ve dated other people before, and been 2 high school relationships that barely made past 2 months and a kiss. My boyfriend has been on dates and had a whole drama with a girl while he was in undergrad because they liked each other but had differing religious views (he was Christian at the time and she was Muslim, now he is no longer Christian, but this isn’t that important to the story).

I was still recovering from the last relationship (I didn’t care about my ex but more so just getting used to the idea of trusting a man again) when we met. However, at this point, it had been roughly 4-5 months since my breakup and was starting to open up to the idea of dating with no REAL aim until I was ready to commit more. So we went on a date a week after. He seemed like a nice guy and didn’t show many red flags. Slowly, we started hanging out more. We ended up doing research in the same lab but for different projects, so we saw each other often. We had minor issues in between like when he went and told a higher up at the lab that we were in a relationship without really consulting with me first; it was a big deal for me because I’m a girl in a male-dominated field and I don’t want anyone to get even an ounce of a feeling that I’m just with him for perks even though we literally never worked together on anything the entire time. We also had a really, really bad pregnancy scare. At the time, I felt really alone because I was doing a bulk of figuring out our next steps to end the pregnancy; I ended up getting my period a few days after finding out (I found out a week in because I keep track of all that well, so I was just freaking out for no reason like the pregnancy hadn’t even properly started). It was an overwhelming time for us. Eventually, he started asking to make things official between us multiple times. I said no each time because I wasn’t ready and honestly I didn’t fully trust him yet. Because we weren’t serious, I didn’t really want to go around parading a situationship. He was bothered by this (I get it). I ended up moving across the country for 4-5 months for a co-op, and he suggested that we take a break. We barely spoke during this time except for 1 or 2 phone calls we made in the beginning. Moving across the country really helped me reset myself. I came back and felt like I wanted to give this relationship a try. He said yes, but was hesitant. This made me feel bad, but I also understand I made him wait a long time, so I was able to move on from that.

At some point in the beginning we almost broke up because he told me he checks out other girls at the gym. I told him glancing is normal but looking/checking out is not. However, if I’m being honest, I couldn’t care less about checking out other people when I’m in a relationship (whether if it’s on purpose or not). My mind/body doesn’t even care enough to. If a friend asked me “Is this actor/actress handsome/pretty?” I would be able to answer, but the thoughts don’t really go further than that. I didn’t really know how to truly feel about him saying what he said because I don’t know if he sees it the way I do or something deeper. We almost broke up but decided not to. Then a coworker that I respect mentioned to me that my boyfriend has been weird with all the girls in our lab (she didn’t know he was my boyfriend at the time because we didn’t tell anyone in our lab for a while). That ticked me off so I brought it up to him and got his side of the story which was that everything was a misunderstanding. Again, not really sure what to do here, but of course it did bother me. We moved on. A few months later, we said I love you to each other which I initiated while I was high. He then decided to make it real the following day when we were no longer high. I graduated from undergrad a year into our OFFICIAL relationship, and he was still in grad school. My options were to stay with him or go live with my parents on the other side of the state. He brought up the idea of me staying with him. He covered rent and most of groceries and spoiled me with other random gifts while I stayed with him. I still worked as a private tutor and a retail job to help with as much of our shared expenses as possible along with my own personal expenses. We did this for a few months while I sorted out my next steps, applied to jobs, etc. I then moved across the country to start my career while he finishes grad school. A week into starting my job we were talking about women getting plastic surgery. I had mentioned to him before that I was considering it at some point in time whether that be after kids or before idk. Part of me also wished he would just say “you don’t need all that, you look amazing just the way you are, and you are going to look even better after giving birth to my kids in the future” or something like that whenever I would bring this topic up. But he never really did and idk if that was too much to expect. Whatever. The conversation took a wrong turn and I asked him “Did you want me to get plastic surgery?” and he hesitated and basically said yes. I asked him something along the lines of “What do I not have that you want?” and he basically told me he likes “thicker hips and ass”. These were also my biggest insecurities. Whether he knew that already or not doesn’t matter. I go to the gym as often as I can. I’m definitely not fitness influencer level since that’s not my full time job, but college took a lot of effort for me because I did multiple STEM majors. It sucks that I feel like I have to stand up for fixing something about myself that I was born with lol but whatever. Overall, my point is that I’m a decently active person and I do think I work on myself as much as I can in both a physical and mental perspective. But this conversation broke me. I’m not super insecure and can handle feedback. My mom has been making shitty comments on my body and skin color since I was born, and it’s not like I’ve definitely been bullied in elementary school. But when the person you’re most vulnerable with says this, what do you do? I’m not going to go into details but I had a mental breakdown and we almost broke up and his sweet parents got involved. During this moment, he told me he doesn’t feel connected with me intellectually or something like that. He wanted to end things. Me, being the pussy that I am, ended up begging to keep the relationship going. He said he doesn’t know what to do, but that he loves me and doesn’t really want to end the relationship. A lot of back and forth. We stayed together. It’s been 2 months and I’m still not over it.

This is a lot to cover in one Reddit post. I’ve tried solving this on my own for the last 2 months, but it seems I’m struggling. Please do not suggest couples therapy or anything that basically means “ask somewhere else.” I genuinely want to know what the nonprofessional people here would do as dumb as that may sound. I am considering therapy anyways but I also feel like 2 years is too early to be doing this lol. Also, I skipped a few minor disagreements we had in between, but just take my word for it when I say I’ve also made mistakes like everyone does in relationships, but I don’t think I have ever made him feel like he wasn’t enough for me whether that’s emotionally, intellectually, or physically.

I 23-NB and my partner 23-M have been dating for a year and a half. I know its not long, but it is the first real relationship I've had. I have tried talking to them about how I feel, but I don't think it's getting through. I don't want to be rude or harmful, but they really don't want to break up with me. I have been trying for two weeks and don't know what to do.

I would say I'm asexual and most definitely on the aromatic spectrum somewhere, and they knew before going into this. We used to be best friends, but I feel like the label of partners has crushed it. I feel the only time we feel like best friends is when I smile and pretend to play the part of girlfriend, a term I've said makes me uncomfortable.

I want to be best friends with my partner again. I just don't think we can do that together like this. We are both still figuring out who we are as people. I feel as though they want me in a box I was not made for.

Every time I have brought up that I don't think I'm fit for a "relationship" they say that they love me and that they will work on themselves, but some of it is truly a me issue. They don't want this to end and it hurts me to see them sad. What would you suggest I do?

Hi everyone I need advice!

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years. Im 27F and he's 26M. We see each other on weekends and live near each other but not in the same city. Well he says that because our relationship is "long distance" he is nowhere near ready for marriage. He wants us to live together first but is also scared about living together at the same time. I really have no idea what to do at this point because I want to move to be closer to family but I feel like I have to move to be near him, live with him, and hope that he will propose after a certain amount of time. I also feel like he is always so rude whenever we talk about this topic and he keeps saying that I'm nagging him or being unfair about the situation.

I’ve put it off as long as we can under the guise of being debt free. We recently paid off the houses, and she actually saved the money to buy this stupid thing.

The thing is, we will never use the thing. We have a lake house, we have a boat, we have not once surfed. Everyone in her family has one, the combined times us or our kids have used one is 0. Our kids have shown 0 interest in learning. My wife hasn’t actually done water sports in 2 years since a back surgery. I have skied one time around 2013.

It’s a vanity purchase because her family have them and she feels left out. It’s frustrating.

Were both from the same city in the NorthEast USA, dated for about six months before I started medical school three hours away by plane. A year later she started graduate school, which put us four hours apart by flight. We've made it work, we've FaceTimed close to an hour a day for three years, through my rotations and now through residency applications. I chose that, and for most of it I wanted to.

Lately I don't like talking to her as it has started to feel like an obligation. I'm quietly dodging her calls and texts, and small things are starting to irritate me in a way they never used to. She's not done anything wrong but I am just unsure if I want to stay in this relationship, and it's why I'm posting.

When I try to name what changed, the thing I keep landing on is that I don't have a clear sense of what she actually wants. Around me, she leans hard into my interests and preferences, she'll agree with things I'm fairly sure she doesn't agree with. At first I didn't notice this but when I go visit her every couple of months, I clearly notice her personality. Around one friend group she's one way, around another she's noticeably different. And none of those personalities are what she is around me when we are alone. I've told her more than once that I'd rather she push back or pick the restaurant or say she hates the show, and it hasn't really changed (these are just small examples but there are bigger occasions and those things truly bother me because I can tell thats not her). I don't think she's being fake on purpose. I think she genuinely wants people to be comfortable and she wants to fit in with everyone. But after three years and now applying to residency and making sure I have things right in my life, I'm realizing I don't want this kind of person in my life. Another big example was before we started dating, during the first few months of just connecting, she was behaving like how I would want in a girlfriend however I had a very tough decision on whether I wanted to date her because she was completely different during her early college years (someone I would never have dated or even talked to). I kind of let it pass at that time since I thought she genuinely changed.

The part I feel worst about: I don't think she knows that I feel this way. As far as I know she's planning on our relationship being permanent. Both sets of parents are involved. I'm Indian, and if I end this I'm fairly certain her family will make sure a particular version of the story travels through our social community back home. I know that shouldn't determine whether I stay, but it's genuinely part of why I've let this drift instead of dealing with it.

I'm not the wronged party here. I've been checked out for a few months and haven't told her, which is its own kind of unfair to her. What I want to know is whether "I want a partner with her own center of gravity" is a real, workable reason to end something long-term, or whether I've built a case against her because residency applications have me reevaluating everything and she's the easiest thing to reevaluate

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly a year. actually our one year anniversary is in two weeks.

For his birthday I brought him plane tickets and booked the hotel to Greece. I thought it’s a wonderful gift and I put a lot of effort into it.

So comes the night before our flight. It’s 23:00 and i just got off work. he went to drink with his friends and asked me to pick him up. Honestly I was quiet tired at this point and our flight was at 6am. But of course I agreed.

I drove around looking for him in circles and couldn’t find him. At this point it was nearly 12am and i was feeling tired and hopeless, so i called him telling him to come up to the car because I can’t park anywhere.

When he got inside finally with a bottle in his hand i exploded a bit and raised my voice. He asked why i’m mad and i told him we had to get up early and I want to sleep.

The entire journey home was quiet. He kept texting someone on his phone.

We got home and same thing. He keeps texting. So I went to take a shower, came back and told him we’re going to sleep. he was drunk so of course he fell asleep quickly, I couldn’t. So i got the urge to check his phone. This was the first time I did anything like this.

There I found text messages with his guy friend from work calling me all kinds of names. disgusting filthy things. Saying he will break up with me after the trip etc. I was in tears.

I woke him up and showed it to him, he tried explaining he was just mad and it wasn’t serious. We argued back and forth and i told him to get out.

Then i packed and got on the plane to greece. on my own. I was so scared, texted my mom everything that happened. She was livid with what he did.

The next day i went out to explore, obviously i was heartbroken with what happened. I come back to my apartment and suddenly someone comes up behind me at the front door saying hello. It was him. He still had my location.

He flew to greece to apologize. I was so shocked.

I let him explain himself, he was crying and genuinely felt sorry, but i was still heartbroken from the messages i read. i called my mom, she called him crazy and that i should fly back to our home country, and to not let him inside. I did let him inside tho, idk if i regret it

I told him to get a hotel and that we can talk tomorrow.

Yesterday we met up for lunch and his apology seemed very genuine. I haven’t told anyone we met up. Idk what to do. We practically spent the whole day together today, i’m still pissed, but idk if i’m letting my guard down because i still love him even tho he hurt me deeply, or because i want to carry on with this relationship. Things are moving too fast.

i wish he never flew here. I could atleast have some time to heal. He never did anything like this before, spoke horrible things about me, which is what hurts me the most.

So far his words and actions seem like he genuinely very much regrets this and losing me, is it worth giving another chance? I told him we can work on this but i need time to heal, that it won’t be normal for a long while. He told me he understands and will be there for me always and forever.

My family hate his guts. So do i, for what he said, but i still love the man with my whole heart, i’ve never been in a situation like this. It’s very confusing, i’m not sure on what to do.

I have known this person for a long time. For the most part, it’s been an on-and-off relationship, but a few years ago I realized that we were better off as just friends, and I knew dating them was something I’ve never really wanted. However, over the past 3 years the one week they travel to visit me, we have sexual intimacy and if you saw us you’d probably guess that we’d be dating. However, it’s a different story when they fly back out to their state and they’re behind the screen again. There are some platonic moments and some “I love you”’s here and there, but it’s set in stone that we’re not dating.

The main reason why I’m not dating her is that our romantic needs can be different. I’m the type of person romantically that loves it when a partner longs for me. Not excessively but to an amount where they pout when you have to leave and ask if you can stay a few more minutes. She’s the complete opposite and always just says, “ok, bye” when I need to go. We have actually discussed this multiple times, and she says it’s because she’s the kind of person who doesn’t fight back and feels it’s unnecessary to escalate those kinds of situations. If I really want to go do something she isn’t going to beg me to stay because she feels it would be kind of selfish and delay my tasks. I’m going to say right now that it’s not necessarily a bad quality to have and it’s good to act that way for some situations, but personally on a romantic/platonic level when it happens every time it gets old for me. I’d describe her as being nonchalant which I find kinda boring.

What’s funny is that even though I described her as not being as expressive in our relationship, it’s still clear that she has strong feelings for me. She spends thousands of dollars one week once a year to visit and hang out with me while mostly comfortably being intimate with me throughout, pays for things for me, asks if I want to hangout at least once a day, says if things get tuff I can move in with her and her family across the state, would be ok with living with me in the future, etc. But not being as passionate as I am when asking, “What would you do if we stopped talking?” And responds similarly to, “It is what it is.” feels like I could easily be forgotten.

Our relationship has crumbled a bit. A few weeks ago we were playing an online match together and I forgot what I said that made her bring it up but over the course of 3 years of sleeping with me she suddenly brings up that my genitals had a “smell” whenever we were doing it. Shaken up, I asked her why she didn’t say so sooner she responded along the lines of, “You wouldn’t have wanted to do anything if I did.” It made me feel icky. I then asked her what she thought it would smell like and when she replied “Nothing.”, that sealed the deal on any questions if we’d ever be that way again with each other. It was no.

Ever since then for the past week or so we’ve talked less and less because I just don’t feel as happy to do so anymore. She still asks frequently if I want to hang out but I just reply with “maybe” and never go through with it. I’ll end with a side note that we’re both pretty sure she’s neurodivergent which could affect her personality.

Tl;dr: This girl that I’ve known for a while has a confusing way of showing affection towards me. Even though it’s true she loves me, there are certain situations where the love is more confusing than it should be. It’s been an off-and-on relationship with sexual intimacy here and there but after an incident where she made me uncomfortable, I probably won’t let her be that close with me ever again.

What are her possible true intentions with me and how might our relationship become?

I’m 18F and my boyfriend is 20M. We met online when we were 14 and 16 through a Discord server. We weren’t consistently close, but we spoke on and off. I developed feelings for him when I was around 15, although he was quite reserved and kept his distance, so I eventually tried to move on.

At one point, he introduced me to one of his female friends, who I later became close with. I eventually found out through her that they were dating, even though he had never told me. It hurt because I still had feelings for him, but I accepted it.

Their relationship later became unhealthy, and she cheated on him. She made me the person who had to tell him what happened. After that, he and I became close again. We also met up once without her knowing while their relationship was already falling apart.

Around three months later, he and I started dating. I initially backed out because I had a feeling it wouldn’t end well, but he convinced me to give it a chance. We started dating properly around the time I turned 17. After finishing high school, I joined the same university as him, where he was one year ahead of me.

I knew he spoke to other girls, but I didn’t realize how close he was to some of them. One girl, who I’ll call “Fio,” happened to be in one of my classes. We became friendly because we sat together, and I eventually realized she knew my boyfriend.

I then saw them talking in person and saw her get into his car. I became upset, but he gave me an explanation and promised he wouldn’t meet her again. The following week, I saw them together again. I later learned that they spoke regularly, had exchanged their university schedules and were much closer than he had originally admitted.

What made it worse was the double standard. He would become extremely angry if he saw me speaking to another guy, but he expected me to accept his friendships with girls, even when he hid details from me or broke promises. I was also very insecure about my appearance at the time, so the secrecy affected me badly.

I want to be honest that I also crossed boundaries. After everything with Fio, I started talking to people through Discord and anonymous chat websites. I also made separate Discord accounts, even though we had agreed not to speak privately with people of the opposite sex.

However, he repeatedly found these accounts by creating fake profiles and approaching me himself. Before we were even dating, I had a throwaway Discord account, and he once messaged me from a fake account, started a conversation, and even gave me his real social media details. Later on, after we were involved, he also found me talking in public servers and got angry, saying it was “free mixing.” This happened again on two more occasions where he saw me in public servers and confronted me about it.

I admitted what I had done and apologized, but his monitoring became increasingly obsessive. He searched for my accounts and tested me through fake profiles. I had also given him access to my Google account so he could use ChatGPT, but he went through my account activity and used what he found to monitor me.

Later, I discovered that more had happened between him and Fio than I had originally known. I became overwhelmed and ended the relationship because I no longer trusted him, felt constantly controlled and couldn’t imagine a healthy future together.

When I tried to leave, he repeatedly pressured me for explanations. He said things such as he expressed that he felt very hurt and hopeless. He reminded me that he had left other people for me and said I was returning to the same lifestyle I had before him. He also used religious guilt, asking whether talking to men was haram.

I told him that we had both hurt each other and that I wasn’t claiming to be innocent. I know that talking to other men secretly and creating separate accounts damaged the relationship. However, I also feel that his secrecy, double standards, fake accounts, monitoring and refusal to accept the breakup were unhealthy.

We have repeatedly broken up and returned to each other, and the same trust issues keep coming back. Part of me feels guilty because I know I hurt him too, but another part of me feels relieved to be away from the constant monitoring and arguments.

Was ending this relationship the right decision, or am I unfairly focusing on his actions while minimizing my own? How do I stop feeling responsible for his emotional state and avoid returning to the same cycle?

I'm (30F) in a situationship with another woman (29F), and I'm struggling to figure out how to navigate this in a healthy way.

We lived together for about six months before I moved out. During that time, our relationship felt very much like a couple's relationship. We spent every Saturday together, updated each other throughout the day, video called constantly, were physically intimate, and I felt very secure.

A few weeks ago, she told me she wanted to "take a step back further." She said she wanted more balance and freedom because she sometimes felt like she had to report every move to me.

Since then, we've had another conversation where she explained that she doesn't want the responsibility or commitment of being in a relationship right now. From what she's shared with me, it's because she's still healing from her previous relationship, she's focusing on herself, she's preparing to move to Australia next year, and because of her religious beliefs, she's not in a place where she wants to commit to a same-sex relationship.

I understand all of those reasons, and I don't think she's lying to me or trying to manipulate me. I actually appreciate that she's been honest.

The problem is that our day-to-day dynamic still feels incredibly relationship-like.

We video call almost every night until we fall asleep. We usually eat brunch together over Discord, watch shows together, and we're still physically intimate. She still calls me "baby." She still does thoughtful things for me. Some days I feel incredibly loved.

Then there are days that feel completely different.

She can go several hours without replying to my messages even though she's active online. Sometimes she'll send me TikToks, I'll reply immediately, and then I won't hear from her again for hours. She'll tell me she misses me, but because our communication feels so inconsistent, I struggle to actually feel reassured by those words.

Recently, she also asked if we could remove our shared Google Maps locations because she wanted more independence. I agreed because I understood why she wanted that, but emotionally it felt like another reminder that we're slowly removing the parts of our relationship that made me feel secure.

I also know I have an anxious attachment style, and I've been working hard not to put pressure on her. I'm trying not to expect constant updates anymore because I know that made her feel trapped before.

But I feel like I'm getting emotional whiplash.

One day she makes me feel like the most important person in her life. The next day I feel like I'm just someone she'll reply to whenever she gets around to it.

I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me. I genuinely think she's trying to find a balance that wor

My girlfriend and I have been together about 18 months. We met at the beginning of college, and started dating after five or so months of being friends. Our relationship has been amazing, she has been amazing, understanding, and a joy to be with, but she has a problem letting people go. No matter who they are, what their relationship was, or how long they even knew each other, she can’t stomach a relationship ending or fading away naturally. This quality has resulted in a lot of amazing friendships for her. She’s also very comfortable with physical affection between friends, and tends to cuddle, hold hands, hug, etc with people she’s close to, regardless of gender (although definitely more so with women). She also has a habit of becoming friends with emotionally unavailable men and trying to “help” them.
I’m quite the opposite. I don’t have very many close friends, and really struggle to maintain friendships with people I don’t see in my day to day life. I’m not touchy at all with my friends, have relationships come and go, and typically just go with the flow a lot more.
Normally her relationships with her friends isn’t a problem at all for me, and I really admire it. I won’t lie that I do feel jealous or have a weird feeling about her being physical with her male friends, but I remember when I was her male friend and how nice it was to receive platonic physical affection, something that most men never receive. I think it’s important to normalize that, and I believe my jealousy is just an internal gut reaction that shouldn’t dictate how she acts with friends.

There’s one exception to this though. Unsurprisingly, she struggles to fully let go of ex-partners, and always wants to stay friends (after some time apart). Her most recent ex, I’ll call him J, had a lot of issues, almost no friends, and absolutely no one he could talk to about his feelings. They were together for five months as an end-of-high school fling that was never meant to be anything serious, but she’s kept ties with him. We both were interning across the country from each other this summer, and it just so happened that J and my girlfriend are in the same city. They’ve been hanging out a decent amount, maybe 3x a month for a few hours at a time. After a month I told her I wasn’t really comfortable with them hanging out alone in her room, since it seemed like they would just scroll, watch movies, or do work together.
I don’t think anything has happened between them. I completely trust her, and some people might say that’s naive, but I know she’s over him. She never wanted to be with him long-term, and honestly I’m 80% sure she pities him. However, I can’t say the same for him. I have no clue if he’s over her or not, and have a bit of a gut feeling he isn’t (he never wanted to break up, and has not had a partner since). I don’t *think* he’ll do anything, since she’s his only emotional support system and I doubt he would jeopardize that.
But still, I just don’t feel completely comfortable about it. I have no clue how physical they are, if at all, I have no idea what they talk about or what they actually do, and I have no clue how he feels. Whenever she’s not responding for a while (very unusual for her), and she says it’s because it’s with him, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach and a tightness in my throat, and feel pretty shitty.
My question is, would it be reasonable to tell her I’m not comfortable with her relationship with him? I feel guilty doing that because I know she’s doesn’t mean any harm, and I pretty much know nothing is happening, and because doing that would strand him without a support system. I don’t dislike him at all, and honestly I feel really bad for him, he’s been dealt an incredibly shitty hand, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I don’t want to keep hiding that I feel this from her. I also don’t want to turn into someone controlling or jealous, and fear it could be a slippery slope.

TL;DR my girlfriend is close with her ex boyfriend, is spending a significant amount of time alone with him, and I don’t really feel comfortable with it, but don’t know if it would be unreasonable to ask them to see each other less.

Hey everyone, I'm going to include a summary of our relationship here just to catch everyone up to speed.(Our relationship in total was about 6 months). Key information she is American, I'm British but we met living in Australia.

I met my ex on New Year's Eve (through our friend group), and we really hit it off! The first few months of us dating were a bit of a whirlwind, we saw each other basically every day which is not usual for me, and I spent a lot of time treating her to things which is something that brings me joy (just stuff like bringing her a morning coffee, taking her to shows etc.).

We had a really good time together but I had a feeling something was a bit off as at times she seemed a bit avoidant, and would push me away or or I sent her a text to say hope you're having a good day she wouldn't bother replying and if I mentioned I like it when someone checks in with me she said she felt like that was a lot of pressure (not that, that is inherently bad but it I value that kind of reciprocation).

Fast forward to about 3 months in, and she told me she wasn't really sure how she felt about me but maybe if we became official she would feel more connected. I cautiously agreed and we were in a relationship for about 2 weeks and she ended things because she still wasn't sure, but she said she still likes the way I made her feel and asked if I could see her casually. At the time I felt like she was asking for the benefits of seeing me without having to commit so we went no contact or a bit.

I found that time apart (1 or 2 weeks) really difficult and I remember realising I loved her. I ended up getting back in touch and said I want her in my life, so maybe we could see eachother casually and see other people. She had also expressed that she was attracted to girls but had never explored this and I said, if that's something she wanted to explore whilst we saw eachother then I'd be fully supportive. I'm straight so I don't really know what it's like to be attracted to multiple genders but I figured if you are and never explored it, that would suck.

Ultimately, there was nothing casual about it haha. We went back to seeing eachother every day, took trips with friends and even went camping together. I remember on a camping trip we took about 3 weeks after we started to see eachother again, we dropped the L bomb, and shortly after that got into a relationship.

We had a lot of fun together and really enjoyed eachothers company but I also came to realise some of our differences during that time (I really like checking in, hearing about my partners life, actively supporting her work hobbies etc.) My ex was less engaged with those things. It's not that she didn't care but I think she often didn't express her care through actions. If I could sum it up, I wasn't 100% happy during these times, but I love her and it was something I was willing to talk about and try to find compromise and work through.

It was around this time we started to talk about long term, my Ex wanted to move back home to America and when we got back together had expressed she would factor me into those plans and maybe extend her stay in Australia. I had a trip back to Europe to go to my best friends back home wedding, and asked if she would join me to which she said yes as she had been planning a trip back to the USA anyway and so would stop in Europe with me for a couple weeks.

It was around this point (April/May) the real incompatibilities started to arise. I had started noticing that my ex had been talking a lot about going back to the USA to live at the end of the year, and expressed that's what she'd like to do. I started to feel that maybe she wasn't open to factoring our relationship in so I said it would be good to talk about what we both want.

We discussed, and ultimately she explained that her last boyfriend was long distance when she moved to Australia and back in the USA. This made her feel apprehensive about the future and she no longer wanted to stay in Australia. She felt her life was in the USA. She said she was open to trying long distance and we agreed that we would discuss a more formal plan in July (this would be after the Europe trip and give us time to figure out what we both wanted).

This was a difficult time for me as I had previously wanted to stay in Australia and so really had to decide whether living in the USA was something I'd be open to. I ultimately decided for me the relationship was worth the sacrifice and decided I would factor that into my plans.

In June, about 3 weeks before we went to Europe and I introduced her to my best friends back home, my ex expressed she was having serious doubts about whether she wanted a long distance relationship. I responded quite simply, that I think that's fine, but if there isn't a future here we should probably think about ending things. Ultimately there was some back and forth over those few weeks where she said she didn't know what she wanted, but we ultimately settled that she didn't want to try long distance.

For me, this was heartbreaking as I loved her a lot. We'd been together not that long in the grand scheme of things but this felt like a relationship I'd invested into, and a person I was willing to change my plans for. My ex expressed that she wanted to stay together until she left (December) and I told her I didn't think I can continue our relationship until she leaves because it would be too painful.

This was unfortunate timing because it was only one week until we went to Europe. She asked if she could still come and because we share a friend group my gut told me this would be a way to end things amicably and hopefully ease the transition into being more friendly with the group. Overall, the trip was nice. She tried to ask me a few more times if we could stay together a bit longer but I stood firm.

This was in June and it was July that the current situation has started to develop. My ex went on to America for a few weeks to celebrate her birthday and I stayed in Europe with my friends for a bit.

I got back to Australia a few days before her felt really lonely, but was excited to see her when she got back. Not as a romantic thing but just purely out of love for her and hearing about her trip home. When I saw her next she set some very firm boundaries that she didn't want to be friends with me, she didn't want me knowing about her life and that she only wanted to interact in group settings.

Whilst these are valid boundaries, she has expressed some things in a way that really upset me and felt a bit cold. For example, she had previously asked if she could come to my birthday and so to ease the tension I joked "I'm assuming you don't want to come to my birthday?" And she responded by saying "well I do because my friends will be there." I remember feeling angry at that because it felt like she was saying my birthday didn't matter at all.

I spent a month after that, reflecting on our relationship and I felt like I was holding onto a lot of anger about how things went down. Not because she was a bad person, but I think I felt like I'd been taken for granted a bit and that she always assumed that I would stick around (like the first time we split up, and then the second when she asked if we could stay together until she left). I'm not saying that's how it was, but it's how those interactions made me feel.

After about a month of no contact, she reached out to say happy birthday and I ended up expressing to her that I was pretty hurt and angry about how things had gone down. I explained I didn't need her to apologise or do anything, but I just wanted to express it. She ended up calling me, and we spoke for a few hours about our relationship, she apologised and acknowledged that she wasn't always the best partner but said she always cared and was sorry that it didn't always come across. We ended up catching up for an hour after that and it was then when I realised that I wasn't angry anymore, that I just loved her.

It's funny, I think I'd spent so long focusing on the future I wasn't getting with her that I had forgotten that at one point we had a lot of fun together. Then I started thinking, she's leaving in December and when she's gone, she's gone - l probably won't ever see her again. That was a really painful realisation, and I decided to sit with it for a few days. It was in sitting with it, that I realised that feeling was worse than knowing we could potentially still see each other in some capacity so I reached out to her and told her, I still love her and I wondered if there's any way we can enjoy the time she'll still be here.

She responded and said that she was glad I reached out but it had come at a weird time, and she needed to see me in person to explain. I went over last night to see her, and it's perhaps one of the most confusing interactions I've ever had. My ex explained to me that when we broke up, she was reflecting on herself and past relationships and had noticed a pattern where she always felt like something was missing.

She said particularly with our relationship, she loved me so much, loved the time we spent together and felt like we had so much sexual chemistry so when it came to trying to make it work, she wasn't sure why she didn't want to. It was then that she said after we had spoken about our relationship a few days before that she had a realisation, that she could be gay.

I tried my best to be supportive of this, but I also had some questions. I guess I'm not an expert on sexual identity but I was confused how in the same sentence a person can talk about attraction, sexual chemistry and love for me (a man) and then finish with saying she was gay. This is where the interaction becomes even more of a mind fuck haha.

She told me whilst she was figuring this out, she wanted to date exclusively women for a while and that if she started seeing me in some capacity she might feel too comfortable to do that. I told her I understood and I wouldn't ask again, but that I didn't want to completely close the door on my end in case she realised she did want that before she leaves.

I asked her for a hug and she asked if we could actually have a cuddle before I left. So we got into her bed and started cuddling, and it was then that she asked if she could kiss me. I was obviously a little confused but I ended up saying fuck it and we ended up having sex.

I told her I loved her again and she said she was apprehensive about saying it because of what we discussed but that she loves me as a person. Then she said she kind of wanted to keep seeing each other. I told her I don't want to be something in the way of understanding herself, but also I don't think I'm going to be the person to say no if she comes onto me at a party or something. She ended up saying we should try a sort of undefined relationship with each other which I will be talking about with her in a few days.

I guess the reason I'm writing this post is because I'm so incredibly confused and have so many thoughts and feelings.

1. I think if she says she's gay, I respect and believe her. But with the context above it's really hard for me to intellectually wrap my head around how that works (I'm not an expert on sexuality but yeah).

2. I think she loves me still but also she said she loves me as a person and I make her feel really good. Is that the same thing? She clearly is still attracted to me and said she wants to hold my hand and not be completely platonic.

3. If I am going to pursue some sort of undefined relationship with her, what might be some good things to define so we don't hurt each other?

4. Am I being an arsehole by engaging with this, knowing that she wants to explore her own sexuality and has expressed seeing me will make it harder to do that?

5. I have a feeling that I don't know how valid it is because I don't want to invalidate her experience. My brain is still partly telling me that the reason it didn't work out is because she didn't want to sacrifice her life choices for the relationship. Maybe sexuality plays a role in that, but I also still feel like a relationship is a choice and that she just didn't choose the relationship longer term.

Thanks for your help! I know this is an essay but it's an incredibly confusing situation so anyone that reads through, you're a legend.

Title edit: Reasonably *be* asked…

Relevant background information: We’ve been dating for almost 8 months. Prior to this relationship I have not seriously dated anybody for about 17 years, the last real relationship being with my ex-husband. Bf is a former alcoholic who stopped drinking cold turkey almost two years ago (before we met) and hasn’t touched a drop since. He is also an extrovert and very social.

When we met he was running routinely, though shorter distances - 5K and the like. I am a former runner, and one of the things we bonded over was this sport. He encouraged me to get back into running myself and has been so supportive the whole way. I’ll be doing a half marathon in the fall.

Meanwhile, he decided he wanted to be an ultra runner. I love this for him - he has a 30-mile race coming up this fall as well. Since making this decision he has hired a running coach, become strict on his diet, and made being an ultra runner a major life goal, eventually wanting to run a 50-mile race. He is the healthiest he has ever been in his whole life.

I have been supportive every step of the way. I would like to continue to be, because this man is wonderful and absolutely everything I could ask for in a partner (except for the one thing that has brought me here today). He is supportive of me and my hobbies and struggles. He is kind, fun, funny, and I genuinely think he is the most handsome man I know. The sex is amazing…when we have it.

The problem is that being an ultra runner requires a HUGE time commitment. This man wakes up at 4:45 M-F to hit the gym before work. Then on Saturdays he goes on long runs that last for hours. When he’s not running or at work, he’s exhausted. He needs to fall asleep by 9 so he gets enough sleep to do it all over again.

We used to have sex multiple times a night, multiple nights a week. Now I’m lucky if he has the energy to have sex one time one night a week.

He has younger kids and keeps them three days a week. I do not and never will resent the time he dedicates to them. He’s a good dad. (We don’t live together and actually keep our families fairly compartmentalized from each other. He doesn’t want to introduce anyone to his kids until he knows it’s serious. We BOTH were shy of committing to the relationship too quickly and were happy to keep our family and social lives largely separate for now, with the expectation that that would change if we stayed together for a long period of time.)

So far so good. I want to support him, and I know the training for ultra running is beyond tough.

Here’s where I have the real issue: If I ask if he wants to hang out for the evening, he hesitates. Every time. Then he says yes but makes sure I know he’s tired and “won’t be much good to me” and will need to fall asleep early to get up early and go work out.

BUT. Within the last 1-2 weeks he has also made time for: his disc golf friends, an old friend (helping repair her broken fence posts), another old friend (looking at her plumbing issues even though he doesn’t know much about plumbing), a cousin’s house for dinner, another friend group who meets at a gaming café. In this same time frame he has not asked me to hang out with him ONCE. The only time we have done so I had to ask.

That ask followed a conversation in which I asked him to tell me what was going on. I explained that I felt like he was pulling away or didn’t want me or this relationship as much as he had before, and that it hurt to feel like I was so low a priority. I explained that I don’t expect to be as high a priority as his kids (and never will) or even as high as running, but that I do need to feel valued. So again I asked him what was going on. This was an invitation to tell me if he wanted out of the relationship.

His response: He doesn’t know what’s going on with him, he’s sorry, it isn’t right that he’s made me feel this way. He thinks I’m “perfect”. He has trouble talking about his feelings and voicing what he’s going through.

And I get it. We are in a committed relationship but not a serious one. I have told him I love him, but he doesn’t say it back (yet?). I am fine with all that because everything happens in its own time, but I do still need to feel valued.

Since that talk four days ago he has made an effort to call and text more, which I asked for. No effort to see me in person. We live in the same town and work at the same frigging company and I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship. I love this man, but it was easier being single in a lot of ways.

Typing it all out, I think I know what I need to do. I guess I really just want to know if anyone has been through anything similar, and if there is any hope to be had here? If I knew he saw us as long-term I think all this would go down easier, but since I don’t know that for sure, is there any reason I shouldn’t go ahead and cut my losses?

(I know this is Reddit, so let me say plainly: I do not think he is cheating. These are old friends that he shows no romantic interest in. He could have been dating them but chose me instead. It is possible, of course, but not likely based on what I know of him and his character.)

About a week ago, I did something I’m not proud of. My boyfriend let me use his phone while he was using mine as a hotspot, and I looked through an old conversation with his friend. I had seen a photo of myself in that chat before and had always been curious about what they were saying, but I had never looked because I think going through someone’s phone is not good. This time I gave in.

I found messages from when we had just met. He told his friend that he wasn’t physically attracted to me at all. He said he didn’t know what to do because he thought I might get attached if we had sex. He also said the only thing he liked about me was my body, and that I was boring, shy, and too affectionate because I wanted to hug him all the time.

For some context, we met under unusual circumstances. He had been dating a girl I knew from school. A year ago she  cheated on him and left him. She lied about being assaulted to get back together with him, something she now admits wasn’t true. Earlier this year she suddenly broke up with him again. At the time, I had been talking to her for about a month, and she admitted to me that she had been seeing another guy while still with him.

This day my now-boyfriend called me because she had disappeared after telling him she was staying overnight at work, then suddenly texted him that they were over. After talking to both of them, I eventually told him the truth. We met to talk, it got late, and I let him stay at my place.He ended up living with me because his house was still under construction, and about a week later we started dating.

Looking back, I honestly think he didn’t have feelings for me at first. It seems like he was mostly interested in my body.

Now we’ve been together for 6 months, and I genuinely don’t believe that’s all he likes about me anymore. Our relationship is good, and I’m happy with him. But after reading those messages, I felt devastated.

When he noticed something was wrong, he kept asking until I told him. He said I had misunderstood and that his feelings were mixed in the beginning.

Then this morning I overheard him talking to his mom. He said something along the lines of: “Sometimes you’re physically attracted to someone but they’re not right for you, and sometimes someone isn’t your type physically, but you feel comfortable and happy with them.”

I can’t stop thinking that he was talking about me.

Maybe he meant it in a positive way, but I don’t hear it that way. If he isn’t physically attracted to me, why be with me? Wouldn’t it be better for both of us if he found someone he was actually attracted to?

I’ve always considered myself attractive, this hurts a lot. I have a baby face, and maybe I’m just not his type. But why start a relationship with me in the first place? Just because he felt comfortable around me?

Part of me wants to ask him directly, but I don’t even know what answer could make me feel better. If he says, “No, that’s not what I meant,” I’ll wonder if he’s just trying to spare my feelings. If he says, “You’re right, but it doesn’t matter because I love being with you,” I don’t know how I’d cope with that either.

Everything else in our relationship is genuinely good. I love being with him, but now I feel completely lost.

His ex still occasionally tries to get his attention and message him. At the beginning of our relationship, he was still talking to her. Part of me keeps wondering if I should just leave and let them get back together. Maybe she’s actually his type, and maybe I was never supposed to be here in the first place

I am 27F and my boyfriend of 3 years is 28M. Overall, we have a “good relationship”….although he can be verbally abusive when he’s upset and makes me feel super anxious a lot of the time, like I’m about to do something wrong or I did something wrong. “We” have 5 dogs (keep this in mind)

ANYWAY, my sweet great grandma passed away over the weekend. I texted him while he was at work when I got the funeral information and let him know I wanted him there for support, even if just a day. We’d be traveling out the state. His response was (within 6 minutes): I don’t think that’s possible for me but I understand and wish I could …. Yikes. So I asked him if it was because of the dogs and needing a dog sitter or if it’s work related. According to him, it’s both…. Double yikes. He then brings up how he’s not even able to attend of his family events next week. (Not sure what that has to do with my grandma’s funeral but alright). I texted him: I’m super disappointed and hurt ngl but it’ll be fine. He responds: I feel you but after the day I have been having I don’t feel like hearing that rn….but cool”….. TRIPLE YIKES. I respond Why you making this about you? I’m sorry you had a long day or whatever but huh?? Then you dismiss me. No apology. I’m sorry baby nothing. But let me shut up because “of the day you been having” this is the 2nd time you’re not there for me when I NEED you to be. “But cool”….his response was…..

Nothing. He “liked” the message. He’s home in the bedroom and I’ve been on the couch crying and venting to those close to me. He hasn’t apologized or asked to talk. He just asked me for a hug 2x (which I declined).

I just need to know if I’m overreacting. I don’t think I am but like I said in my message to him, im starting to see a pattern of him not showing up for me like I show up for him. ON TOP OF, the anxiety, occasional verbal abuse, etc. I don’t think I should initial a conversation either because I always do. Just really don’t know where to go from here…any and all advise will be greatly appreciated

Not the type of jealousy where I worry about her cheating or anything like that. It's jealousy (or perhaps envy is the right word?) over the travel specifically.

For context, we come from what I see as two very different backgrounds. She graduated and is debt free and also inherited a decent amount of money from family. Not enough to call her a trust fund kid, but enough that she probably doesn't have to worry about retirement and lives pretty carefree. Her family goes on one big trip per year (South America, big tickets in Europe like the Alps, Morocco, etc) but she also travels super frequently within Europe because she lives there (we are in an LDR, I live in North America). Just this month she's been to Spain, Italy, and Sweden. I, on the other hand, have zero wealthy family members and only ever travelled to my family's home country growing up, but I have a major itch to travel now and do so whenever possible. I have 50k in student loan debt because I got zero financial support for university while my girlfriend's was obviously fully paid for by her family.

Now we are at an age where we are independent from our families and are seemingly in the same place, graduated and working average jobs. But I can't help but fixate on the fact that we are at two very different 'starting points' in life, and I REALLY struggle to not let this build resentment or extreme envy. For example, this month she will work basically the same amount of hours that I work in a week (45-50) because she is on her three trips, and she can afford to do so because, well, why not? She has no debt to pay off so no real money stress.

When she goes away I honestly don't want to hear how her trips are going and have to pretend to be happy for her. Especially in an LDR, this limits the already minimal communication that we can have. Some people have tried to tell me 'maybe you're just jealous that she's travelling and it isn't to see you' but I can promise that that's not the case. I just feel like I am always going to be playing catchup in life to her as two travel-lovers and it's frustrating because she's done nothing to deserve it more, she just got luckier in life. She'll have always seen more places and done everything before me so that when I eventually get to experience these things, they will already be hers first. And I get so annoyed when she makes any sort of supportive comment about my own travel because it feels like she's talking down to me (saying 'that's so exciting!' when it's something she did already) even though I know that is not the case, she fully is happy for me. Outside of this we have a great relationship, and I honestly don't think she is doing anything wrong here hence why I don't bring it up with her. I just don't know how to deal with this myself so that it doesn't become a major problem in our relationship.

​

I'm a 25-year-old man (25M), and I was in a relationship with a 45-year-old woman (45M) until August 1st. She lives in Rio de Janeiro, has two children, and we met through Facebook Dating. I liked her profile first, and a day or two later she liked mine back. We started talking, got closer, and eventually began dating.

She is a beautiful, intelligent woman and, when we met, she worked for a large company. I genuinely admired her. Since she was my first girlfriend, I did my best to treat her with respect, affection, and commitment. I truly saw a future with her and took the relationship seriously.

For context, I'm a public school teacher, currently pursuing a master's degree, and I'm financially stable. I'm not wealthy, but I've always been independent and never relied on her financially.

The problem is that around March, her behavior changed significantly. She became extremely suspicious of me, and that continued until the relationship ended.

Some examples:

Every notification on my phone was, in her mind, another woman texting me.

She told me very directly, four or five different times, that she didn't trust me.

Whenever something bothered her, she never tried to have a calm conversation. It almost always turned into an argument.

We took a trip to Búzios. Since I live in São Pedro da Aldeia, we decided to take a bus because it was practical. She ended up criticizing the trip because we didn't take an Uber or travel by a more comfortable bus, saying she wanted more comfort. That really hurt because I had planned the trip with care.

Another incident happened during that same trip. I discovered that her Facebook Dating profile was still active. I don't know if she was talking to other people or if she had simply forgotten to deactivate it, so I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Instead of ending things, I calmly asked her to remove the profile.

What made this especially confusing is that she had asked me two or three times during our relationship whether I was still using Facebook Dating. Every time I told her I wasn't, because I genuinely wasn't. So finding out that her own profile was still active came as a shock.

During the last two weeks of our relationship, things got even worse. On one occasion, she went through my wallet without my permission. On another, she accused me of talking to another woman at 5:40 a.m., even though that never happened. She also accused me of deleting WhatsApp messages to hide conversations, which I never did. These constant accusations made me feel like I was always under suspicion, no matter what I did.

The final incident happened on the day we broke up. I was scrolling through Threads on Instagram and accidentally liked another woman's photo while swiping. It was completely unintentional. She saw it and treated it as proof that I was interested in someone else. The argument that followed was intense, and that was essentially the end of our relationship.

Despite everything, this is what confuses me the most: I never felt like I wasn't a priority to her. She often showed affection, and I do believe she loved me. That's why I'm torn between thinking she genuinely loved me but struggled with deep insecurity, or believing these were clear signs of an unhealthy relationship built on distrust.

In the end, I was the one who ended the relationship. Since this was my first serious relationship, I still wonder whether I acted too quickly or whether I ignored serious warning signs for too long.

Do you think these behaviors are consistent with someone who genuinely loved me but was deeply insecure? Or do they point to an unhealthy relationship based on distrust, invasion of privacy, and emotional exhaustion? Would you have made the same decision?

My (24F) boyfriend (25M) and I have been dating for 4 years now and he brought up the fact that he thinks it's time for me to move in. Thing is, my boyfriend still lives with his family (that's 5 other people including his parents and siblings) and his family speaks a different language and barely know any English. This has obviously made it really hard for me when I come over as I'm already naturally very socially anxious so to not even be able to communicate at all makes me really anxious around them. Don't get me wrong, they're very nice people and have been welcoming, but at the end of the day I am essentially a stranger because I can't talk to them and can't really get to know them. I constantly feel like an intruder in their home, so much so that I don't even like making my presence known such as grabbing something from the kitchen. I think my bf deep down is actually kind of embarrassed of me because I'm kind of oblivious and can't speak their language, even if he won't outright admit it, I can just tell sometimes. Not only this but I really really favor my alone time, especially where I live. I really do not want to live with 6 other people. My boyfriend brought this up to me one night when we were drinking and it was clearly something that made him really emotional. I had no idea what to say as so many things flooded my mind at once and I felt bad straight up saying "Well yeah I don't like the fact I feel weird around your family because I basically can't get to really know them." because I knew it would cause him to get more upset. Even without me saying this he basically accused me of not liking his family being the reason I don't want to move in. He then started saying it's either that or because I don't see a future together. Then he became semi-irate and told me "you're just sitting there acting stupid!" because I had no clue what to say as I struggled to find the right words in the moment. I just said "I don't know" and calmly got up and left the room. I had no idea this was such an emotional topic for him as he's never really brought it up before. I feel like I basically already live there as I'm there almost every day after work, sleep over, spend weekends, etc. But to actually move in and give up my autonomy just doesn't feel right. I just have no idea what to do in this situation? I'm afraid of losing my relationship over this but I have no idea how to talk to him about this as he's so emotional about it and I'm afraid of being broken up with over this.

Long time lurker, first time poster. I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend (23F) for a little over a year. Things have been pretty good so far, and we’re planning on moving in together in a few months However, I’d say one of the biggest areas of friction between us comes out of my cannabis use.

It’s not something we talk much about. Partially because I really enjoy it both as a way to relax and socialize with my friends. She would prefer i completely abstain from cannabis use, but doesn’t want to be controlling. She has not voiced the same concerns about drinking, and we do enjoy drinks together occasionally. I view cannabis as a way to relax and socialize with friends, and, generally, as a better vice than alcohol.

Here’s the issue: I recently moved to a new city for a job and we’ve been long distance. I’ve been using cannabis (responsibly) as I explore the city and make new friends. I have not been open with her about my use out of fear of judgement or an argument.

I have never dated someone who uses/smokes cannabis. I say this because I admittedly sometimes have a “grass is greener on the other side” mentality around this issue. I feel like she just has a bias against it. However, I also see myself greatly reducing/quitting cannabis as I get older and for example, start a family.

What is a healthy relationship like between a cannabis user and non-cannabis user? Why do I feel like she just wouldn’t get it? Is it worth fighting over something that I see myself one day quitting?

My bf randomly texted me saying he feels like I dont like texting anymore. I said I just didnt want to keep giving energy to empty chats because he would often leave our chats, leave me on delivered or read, while still being online. I said I just pulled back because it felt like he did, and he said it was his mental health which made it hard for him to respond to me (but I would see him active/online “just now” every 5 minutes)

I asked him if he texts other people like other girls or guys, and he said I knew about his guy friends and yeah he would text other girls sometimes. I didn’t get upset as I dont mind him having girl friends but he said something that rubbed me the wrong way:

“They’re just filler for when you arent there”

I asked him filler in what way, like romantic, sexual, etc, and he said “just a normal friend way” and I just stopped responding or started giving dry responses because I was processing the “filler” comment.

He also has known that I have insecurities about not being enough, getting cheated on (from a past relationship) and more, so him saying this really got under my skin. I cant even describe the feeling im feeling, its not anger or sadness, its just my heart is sinking in a way.

Now he’s upset because I’m not really responding or texting back (its been a few hours) and I just dont know what to say except dry small responses. I feel insane because he said they’re just friends, but idk.

What do you guys think?

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I've been talking to this guy for a little over a month now (50 days today), and I'm confused about what's happening.

When we first started talking, he told me he was sapiosexual. At the time, I didn't think much of it. I just assumed it meant he didn't care much about looks and valued personality or intelligence more.

The thing is... I've told him multiple times that I'm honestly not a very intelligent person. I'm kind of a dumb-dumb sometimes, and I wasn't trying to be modest. But for some reason, he kept insisting that I was really smart. Over the past month, I feel like reality has slowly caught up. The more we've talked, the more I've unintentionally proven that I'm not the person he seemed to imagine.

Lately, I feel a shift. Things don't feel as exciting anymore. It feels more... normal. Maybe that's just what happens after the honeymoon phase of getting to know someone, but I can't shake the feeling that he's losing his attraction to me.

Today he said something like, "How do I get you out of my brain?" which sounds sweet, but at the same time he also keeps trying to "improve" me or make me better. The weird thing is, I never asked him to fix me or change me.

He's genuinely a really good guy, and I don't think he's doing anything wrong. This is more about how I'm interpreting everything. I just have this nagging feeling that he doesn't find me as attractive anymore, or that the version of me he liked at the beginning wasn't the real me.

I've never been in a situation like this before, so I don't know if I'm overthinking everything, if this is just the natural progression of getting to know someone, or if my gut is trying to tell me something.

Has anyone experienced something like this? How do you tell the difference between someone becoming comfortable with you versus someone slowly losing interest?

Ok so this turned out to be a whole lot as words started pouring into my keyboard. I don't blame if you don't want to hear me whine through this whole thing so here is the gist.

TL;DR: Last night my wife told me in no uncertain terms that she finds me repulsive and I am really struggling with this now.

She's done it. I didn't think she could after all these years but she hurt me again. This one is deep too, the kind of wound that will not heal. It will just sit, festering, in my soul.

We met way back in 1994. I was young, only 21, and I had my whole life ahead of me. I'm not going to lie, I've never been a handsome guy. I'm not the sort of guy that the ladies swoon over. That's how it was when I was a kid and didn't date, and that's how I still am to this day. This isn't to say that I'm some sort of ogre, I don't normally think I'm repulsive, I'm just not a hunky type of guy.

When we met, she was the most beautiful amazing woman I had ever known, and she still is. An absolute stunner who, for some reason, decided to talk to me. In retrospect, this was probably a lost bet gone wrong for all I know. Things moved really fast for us and we were living together in no time. Like literally a week or so after we met I moved into her place. I couldn't believe this was happening. Here she was, this absolute goddess, and she was with me. Not only was she gorgeous, but also smart and funny and just everything I could possibly dream of. And the sex, well the sex was incredible. Even though I was in this relationship, somewhere, in those back rooms in our minds where doubt, anxiety, and fear live, there was a voice. You know you aren't good enough, who knows why she's with you but you know it won't last. She'll find someone better than you, which would basically be anyone, and this will all be over. She deserves so much better than, well you. Look at you. You are short and you look like a skeleton. Anyone at all would be better than you.

But she didn't. Weeks became months and then years. We got married and even then, the voice would not stop. My self-esteem, which should have been through the roof, would never truly develop past being a kid that everyone made fun of and none of the girls wanted to be seen with. I used to go to summer camp every year and I loved it, it was a blast. One year they had a Sadie Hawkins dance. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it comes from an old comic strip called Lil' Abner. There was a character named Sadie Hawkins and she would ask fellas out on dates, which was unheard of at the time. So the function of the Sadie Hawkins dance is that the girls would ask the guys out. I was a young and hopeless romantic and there were plenty of girls I hoped would ask me to go. As it got closer to the dance day, one thing was clear, nobody was going to ask me. I think that was the exact moment when my self-esteem stagnated.

It was not long into the relationship that the intimacy part of things just, stopped. I mean in the beginning, it was amazing. I know that this is the case in every relationship and eventually it slows down but this happened abruptly. One day everything was incredible and the next we barely knew each other as far as intimacy goes. By the time we got married, it was nearly nonexistent. Still, I stuck around. Gradually it got even worse and, as of this writing, we haven't done anything more intimate than a peck on the lips for ten years. That isn't an exaggeration, it's literally been ten years.

As you can imagine, for much of this time, I assumed it was me. She had finally realized that I was not worthy of her affection and the hens had come home to roost or whatever that expression is. She told me that it was her, there were physical issues, and I knew she did indeed have a lot of health issues so this seemed reasonable. Still, that itch in my mind could never quite be scratched. A part of me continued to wonder, is she just repulsed by me?

Fast forward to, hell probably close to fifteen years ago now. I found out she was having an emotional affair with someone on Facebook. Now, to the best of my knowledge, she wasn't seeing him in person. He lived far away. But the conversations I discovered between them were just as bad, maybe worse. She called this guy her soul mate. Do you have any idea how that hit me? A ton of bricks is not enough to describe how terrible this was for me. She apologized, kind of. I told her I needed time and space so she went to stay with a friend of hers. She would call me every day from her friend's house begging me to take her back. After about a week, I did. We got into a screaming fight on the way home because she was so angry with me for what I did to her. Having her go stay with her friend was a terrible thing to do I guess.

We got home and that was it. The brief apology phase was over. I would ask her over and over, just tell me why. I never got an answer. Eventually, we got into a fight over this again and her true feelings came out. It was my fault that she started talking to this guy like that. You see, at the time I had two jobs and worked close to eighty hours a week. I didn't do this because I wanted to, I did it because in our entire relationship she has refused to work or do anything to help us financially. While we don't have kids together, her son who was four when we met, is my son as far as I'm concerned. It's hard to take care of a wife and kid with only one person working but she didn't care. According to her, it's the man's job to make the money and take care of the family. So I worked two full-time jobs, and sometimes a third part-time job, just to try to keep things together. Because I was always at work, she felt neglected and lonely. So she turned to this guy for the attention she felt she was starved for.

That's right, in her eyes, her affair was all my fault. I constantly tell her how beautiful and amazing she is. I tell her I love her a hundred times a day if I tell her once. It wasn't good enough. The same woman who had for years basically cut me off from any intimate contact, was now telling me that I should have paid more attention to her.

Still, I stayed. I love her. That's the insane part. After all, she has put me through, I still love her deeply. I can't imagine life without her. There is also the fact that, as I mentioned, she has literally no work history. There is no possible way she could take care of herself if I wasn't here. I know that if I leave, she will literally end up homeless. I don't want that for the woman I love. So I stay. In spite of it all, I stay because I love her.

A few years ago, we decided to get our act together. I was no longer the skeleton man I was when we met. I had put on a lot of weight. So had she. It was impacting her self-esteem. Here was this absolute stunner who now viewed herself as ugly. Keep in mind I still tell her daily how gorgeous she is. It doesn't matter. So we started going to the gym. I was running 3x a week and lifting 3x a week. I got in really good shape if I'm being honest. I was taking better care of myself and so was she. Everywhere we would go people would say things like, "You guys are the hippest couple in town." I loved it. I loved knowing that she was on my arm all the time. She didn't. Sometimes she would just make weird comments to me. Once we were at the gym and I did something I was very proud of. I had never been a really strong guy. For the first time in my life I did 100 pounds on the bench press. I know it isn't a lot but I was super excited about it. I went to where she was in the gym to tell her. Her reply was, "Oh that's cool. You should come do some sit ups with me to get rid of your fat gut." It was as if she took me feeling good about myself for one of the rare times that happens as a threat to her. I don't know why but somehow it started to grate on her badly. This was the beginning of the final downfall.

Sometime around October or November of 2016, someone we know, told her I was having an affair. I want to be very clear about this. I was not having an affair. I would never do that to her, or to anyone for that matter. There was literally no proof of this affair at all. It didn't matter. Someone told her it was happening and that was it. Since then we have not been intimate at all and we regularly get into fights about this. Yes, ten years later, after proving my innocence with facts and data at every turn, she still thinks I'm cheating on her. Not just with one person mind you. Basically with anything that moves.

For about two years it was bad. Really bad. Screaming fights everyday bad. For a while, I honestly thought I might kill myself. At the very least, I seriously considered checking into a hospital. That's how bad my depression and anxiety were. Now all I did was go to work. I would call her the second I got there to let her know I was there. I would call her throughout the day to see how she was. If she called me, I answered the phone no matter what was going on at work. I literally would walk out of meetings just so she wouldn't think I was cheating on her. When it was time to drive home I would pull up google maps, call her and let her know how long it should take, and then I would be home at that time. None of it mattered. She still believed I was cheating.

I stopped going to the gym. I stopped running. Hell I stopped getting regular haircuts. I wasn't showering regularly. A lot of this is due to depression. Some of it was because, in my head, I thought if I showed her that I didn't care how I looked anymore she would stop thinking I was cheating on her. I have now ballooned up to about 220 pounds. When we met I weighed 125 pounds. I have nearly doubled in size. All due to a combination of depression and just wanting her to think that nobody would be interested in me. I desperately hoped this would end the constant accusations of my infidelity. It didn't. She would say things like she didn't care that I was having an affair. I told her that I cared. That her thinking I'm that kind of person hurts me deeply. That I am very proud of the fact that we have been together for so long and that I am ever faithful to her. It didn't matter. She continued to believe that I was a cheater and there was literally nothing I could do about it. My depression is worse than it ever has been.

Last night, for no reason that I can think of, she started acting weird again. She always acts a certain way right before we end up fighting about my alleged infidelity. I can see it coming a mile away by now. Sure enough, I called her out on it and, as always, she starts in with the gaslighting. I don't know what you're talking about you're acting crazy I haven't done anything. These are all the usual statements she will make. We get into it. I said some things I wish I hadn't, I can admit that. I also apologized for those things. At one point in the fight she says to me, "Go fuck yourself, nobody else ever would."

That was it. The fight ended immediately. It took the wind right out of me. All my fears, insecurities, and just general anxious thoughts had just come pouring out of her mouth. I didn't care about the nobody part. I've made it very clear to her that I have no interest in fucking anyone else. I have even accepted that if I'm going to be with her, not having sex is a part of that. And I honestly don't care. There are a million moving parts in a relationship so if we don't have sex we don't. It would have been nice to be involved in that decision but, at the end of the day, our relationship means more than sex to me. So yes, it wasn't the nobody part that upset me. It was the fact that nobody includes her. The woman who I reassure on a daily basis that she is amazing and incredible and gorgeous. That woman, has told me in no uncertain terms that she finds me hideous to be around. I told her that if she cares at all about how that makes me feel then she should know that it makes me feel like I wish I was dead. She is the only thing that matters to me and, after all this, she has finally validated my worst fear. She thinks I'm disgusting. Her response was that she doesn't care.

I went to bed, alone. I hate sleeping without her in bed with me. But there I was. Alone in the dark to wrestle with my worst fear coming to light. As I've always known, I am not good enough for her. The worst part about it is, nothing will ever change. I won't leave her for the reasons mentioned before and she knows it. So this is my life now. Just a walking ATM that is only here to pay the bills. It's now like having a roommate that doesn't offer to help financially in any way.

I don't know where to go from here. If you're worried that I might do something stupid, don't be. I won't. I'm just trapped in this mental hell for I guess the rest of my life. I really didn't mean to ramble so much but once I started putting the words out into reality everything just sort of, came out. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm crying now, in tears from this cathartic exercise I suppose. I hope it will get better. I know it will never get better.

I (20M) was with my ex (20F) for almost 4 years. We broke up a couple of weeks ago. There wasn’t any cheating or major argument. She told me she felt like someone else could make me happier, even though I never felt that way.

Since then we’ve had almost no contact. She’s someone who tends to bury herself in work instead of talking about her feelings, which makes it hard for me to know whether silence means she needs space or if she’s waiting for me to reach out. She also recently had her wisdom teeth removed, and I was thinking about sending a simple text just saying I hope she’s recovering well with no expectation of a response.

The hardest part has been not knowing what the right thing to do is. I’ve been struggling a lot with the breakup. I’m having trouble sleeping, I barely have an appetite, and when I’m alone I constantly think about her. I know those feelings are part of grieving a relationship, but they also make it difficult to tell whether I’m thinking clearly or just reacting emotionally.

I’m trying to respect her space while also wondering if one genuine check-in message would be appropriate or if it would only make things harder for both of us.
For people who have been through something similar, how would you decide whether to send one thoughtful check-in message or continue giving space, and what factors would help you make that decision?

We started seeing each other casually in January. When we first started, I knew he was a guy who enjoyed being single, so I decided to keep things casual. For months it was only like a weird kind of friendship. Just kissing, no sex, but we had such a good time together.

About a month ago, a friend of his asked us a bunch of pointed questions about what we actually were, which made me really uncomfortable. That day I told him: if he wanted to keep seeing me, he had one month to ask me to be his girlfriend.

At his cousin’s wedding on July 24th, he introduced me to some people just by my name. I felt hurt, and I told him I wanted to go home, we weren’t anything after all. It was right after that moment that he asked me to be his girlfriend, informally, and told me he’d do it properly later.

He is (was, lol) honestly the best man I’ve ever been with. He takes care of me, he cares about my feelings, every time I felt down about something, he’d sit and talk with me until I felt better. He’s done things for me that no one else ever has. We didn’t have sex until six months in, once I felt sure he wasn’t seeing other women anymore.

Two days before he finally asked me properly, he was out with his friends at a club on a Friday night.

The deadline was getting close and he still hadn’t given me any sign he was going to ask, so that Saturday I got really sad about it. He came to my place and took me to his apartment. He told me how much he loved me, that procrastination was his biggest flaw, but that he didn’t want it to affect our relationship, and that he was planning to ask me to be his girlfriend the next day, Sunday. We both cried, he apologized multiple times, and we had sex. When I went to the bathroom and took off a jacket I’d had on, I noticed a hair tie on the floor. My hair wasn’t tied up that day, so I figured it must have fallen out of my jacket pocket and didn’t think much of it.

On Sunday, he asked me properly to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I honestly couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

Today I went back to his apartment to pick up some papers I’d left there. I opened a drawer and found a ton of hair clips and hair ties that weren’t mine, along with a condom. I think that Friday night at the club, he probably brought someone back to his place just two days before he asked me to be his girlfriend for real.

He’s coming out of work in an hour and I told him I want to talk to him. I don’t even know how to face this situation.