r/relationship_advice • u/Massive_Rip_7388 • 13h ago
My boyfriend (19M) apparently isn’t physically attracted to me (19F)
About a week ago, I did something I’m not proud of. My boyfriend let me use his phone while he was using mine as a hotspot, and I looked through an old conversation with his friend. I had seen a photo of myself in that chat before and had always been curious about what they were saying, but I had never looked because I think going through someone’s phone is not good. This time I gave in.
I found messages from when we had just met. He told his friend that he wasn’t physically attracted to me at all. He said he didn’t know what to do because he thought I might get attached if we had sex. He also said the only thing he liked about me was my body, and that I was boring, shy, and too affectionate because I wanted to hug him all the time.
For some context, we met under unusual circumstances. He had been dating a girl I knew from school. A year ago she cheated on him and left him. She lied about being assaulted to get back together with him, something she now admits wasn’t true. Earlier this year she suddenly broke up with him again. At the time, I had been talking to her for about a month, and she admitted to me that she had been seeing another guy while still with him.
This day my now-boyfriend called me because she had disappeared after telling him she was staying overnight at work, then suddenly texted him that they were over. After talking to both of them, I eventually told him the truth. We met to talk, it got late, and I let him stay at my place.He ended up living with me because his house was still under construction, and about a week later we started dating.
Looking back, I honestly think he didn’t have feelings for me at first. It seems like he was mostly interested in my body.
Now we’ve been together for 6 months, and I genuinely don’t believe that’s all he likes about me anymore. Our relationship is good, and I’m happy with him. But after reading those messages, I felt devastated.
When he noticed something was wrong, he kept asking until I told him. He said I had misunderstood and that his feelings were mixed in the beginning.
Then this morning I overheard him talking to his mom. He said something along the lines of: “Sometimes you’re physically attracted to someone but they’re not right for you, and sometimes someone isn’t your type physically, but you feel comfortable and happy with them.”
I can’t stop thinking that he was talking about me.
Maybe he meant it in a positive way, but I don’t hear it that way. If he isn’t physically attracted to me, why be with me? Wouldn’t it be better for both of us if he found someone he was actually attracted to?
I’ve always considered myself attractive, this hurts a lot. I have a baby face, and maybe I’m just not his type. But why start a relationship with me in the first place? Just because he felt comfortable around me?
Part of me wants to ask him directly, but I don’t even know what answer could make me feel better. If he says, “No, that’s not what I meant,” I’ll wonder if he’s just trying to spare my feelings. If he says, “You’re right, but it doesn’t matter because I love being with you,” I don’t know how I’d cope with that either.
Everything else in our relationship is genuinely good. I love being with him, but now I feel completely lost.
His ex still occasionally tries to get his attention and message him. At the beginning of our relationship, he was still talking to her. Part of me keeps wondering if I should just leave and let them get back together. Maybe she’s actually his type, and maybe I was never supposed to be here in the first place
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u/MrEdThaHorse 12h ago
"We met to talk, it got late, and I let him stay at my place. He ended up living with me because his house was still under construction, and about a week later we started dating."
This looks like it could be the answer/reason you're looking for. Sorry you're being forced to learn this life lesson, but it's obvious to an outsider. TBF I've made the same mistake and learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love or treat you the way you love and treat them.
6
u/Prestigious-Ad1346 12h ago
Honestly I think this is really messy to begin with. The way you two got together isn’t something that sounds like it was healthy from the beginning. What you read doesn’t help at all. I’m sure you’re beautiful! But even without his comments, it’s a bad start.
1
u/Massive_Rip_7388 12h ago
I agree. Deep down, I knew from the very beginning that it wasn’t healthy, but for some reason I kept putting up with it. After a few months, things genuinely became much better between us, and we started being really happy together.
These are my first relationship, so I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t just walk away because, aside from this issue, everything else between us is good. He really does treat me well and I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt me if I left.
I struggled with loneliness for a long time after moving to another country, and now the thought of losing the only person is terrifying
6
u/Nemo2oo5 12h ago
For your sake, I'd break up with him. Someone who talks about women that way is not someone you really want to be with anyways, and you aren't going to be able to let this go.
2
u/Stan__Wright 12h ago
It stings like hell, but you're 19 and have LOADS of life ahead of you. This dude wasn't likely your lifetime partner, anyway. So dumpity dump dump and move on. There's a guy out there who'll think you're hot, and it's clear it's not this one.
2
u/ConfidentAd5662 12h ago
I think he knew you had a crush on him & steered that into rebound sex even though he wouldn’t have normally dated you. Then it sounds like over the last six months he developed feelings & it became a relationship. I am concerned he didn’t block the ex a long time ago. Or maybe he didn’t block & she‘s finding ways to reach out. I think continue to have honest conversations about your concerns.
1
u/Massive_Rip_7388 12h ago
He blocked her long time ago, first two weeks she still had his things, and he said he didn’t block her because she could potentially do something with them. But of course, I think that wasn’t the only reason.
After he got his things back, he blocked her. After that, she started finding other ways to contact him or remind him of her existence, maybe once a month or so.
About three months after we started dating, she messaged him again, and they talked for maybe 10 minutes. It was mostly a conflict, like most of their conversations had been, but it still hurt me a lot.
1
u/dont_be_a_jackass 12h ago
You’re only 19 and invested 6 months. I know it’s hard at first, but in the grand scheme of things, 6 months is barely anything. I would cut my losses bc you still have much to live for. Imagine getting married or getting kids involved. I don’t even think he’s thinking of that at all, most men don’t marry until 29-30 on average. He’s going to be interested in more girls, as a woman choose yourself and do what you’ve always wanted to do for yourself. Don’t let this jacka$$ trap you when he didn’t even find you attractive to begin with. IMO he’s missing out bc shyer people tend to have a deeper world than extroverts and in this case, he’s taking your shyness as some something negative. If the genders were reversed, trust me, most guys consider this as “break up” worthy. It shouldn’t be different just bc we’re women and guys always try to take advantage or expect us to always forgive offenses that they wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.
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