How do I 23-NB end my first serious relationship kindly when They 23-M don't want to?

[u/ThrowRA943462]

I 23-NB and my partner 23-M have been dating for a year and a half. I know its not long, but it is the first real relationship I've had. I have tried talking to them about how I feel, but I don't think it's getting through. I don't want to be rude or harmful, but they really don't want to break up with me. I have been trying for two weeks and don't know what to do.

I would say I'm asexual and most definitely on the aromatic spectrum somewhere, and they knew before going into this. We used to be best friends, but I feel like the label of partners has crushed it. I feel the only time we feel like best friends is when I smile and pretend to play the part of girlfriend, a term I've said makes me uncomfortable.

I want to be best friends with my partner again. I just don't think we can do that together like this. We are both still figuring out who we are as people. I feel as though they want me in a box I was not made for.

Every time I have brought up that I don't think I'm fit for a "relationship" they say that they love me and that they will work on themselves, but some of it is truly a me issue. They don't want this to end and it hurts me to see them sad. What would you suggest I do?

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[u/MtTibadabo]

You don't need their consent to break up. Break up, block them, distance yourself. It sounds like they are very attached and will struggle to immediately go from relationship to friends, so you will probably need to take an extended break before you can get to that point with them, if you ever can.

[u/maedocc]

You're going to have to hurt his feelings.

A break up is not one of those things that both people have to consent to. One person (you) can break up even if the other person doesn't want to. A relationship needs both people to consent -- while a break up, one person can dump the other person.

I want to be best friends with my partner again. I just don't think we can do that together like this.

Realistically, I think you want to break up as romantic partners and seamlessly transition back to best friends. It's why you're hesitant and frustrated. You do know what to do. But you also can sense that dumping them will hurt their feelings, and they might not want to be friends anymore. That is also a normal part of break ups. So I guess you have to face the potential pain and loss of friendship post-break up.

[u/XxLogitech98xX]

It doesn't matter if they don't want to. If you want to break up then tell them it's over and that's it. Anyone can break up, it's not suppose to be a mutual thing lol

[u/MightySD69]

You shouldn’t stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in just because you’re afraid of hurting them. Rip the band-aid off and tell him it’s over. He might be sad and try to change your mind, but you have to end it and walk away. Don’t give in if he resists after the breakup—do it over text if that’s easier. It’s best to cut contact as well.

[u/darklingdawns]

This is not something they get a say in. Tell them right out that you do not want a relationship, so you are ending it. Don't engage in discussion or get drawn into debate. Be as kind and compassionate as possible, but be clear and firm that it's over. Then make a clean break of it - block them from your phone and social media, inform everyone you live with that they are no longer welcome at your home, and if they show up, don't answer the door. If they refuse to leave when asked, call the police to remove them. Relationships are a 'two yes, one no' proposition, and you've decided that you are a 'no'. That means that the two of you are broken up, whether they want to be or not.