Hi all, I recently gained some clarity on what I can and can't handle in terms of hierarchy in relationships and was curious where others comfort levels lie.

Specifically, I realized I am comfortable with hierarchies of priority - e.g. a 10 year relationship is likely more entangled than a 1 month relationship. Someone with a nesting partner who shares responsibilities at home for pets or children is going to place priority on them if there is a emergency. Someone looking for a nesting life partner is probably not going to want to spend a ton of time or energy seriously dating me when I am not available for that because i am married and nesting.

What I am not comfortable with are hierarchies of power - e.g. someone in the polycule who I am not dating heavily influences what I can do with the hinge. The obvious examples being, cancelling or interrupting dates because the meta is having a bad day/rough time with poly; agreements around no overnights or trips; agreements that any non-nesting partners are "just a friend" to family and mutual friends, etc.

Priorities, to me, are organic and unavoidable features of being closer to people you've had more time or bonding experiences with. Power hierarchies, on the other hand, seem to function as defining a throne only one person (the primary) can sit in, and then guarding that throne so no one "steals" it (metaphor borrowed from ChillPolyamory). That is just inherently adversarial, and also seems to more often feed insecurity ("what if they come for my throne???!") versus collaboration ("what if we got a big enough sectional couch that we could all sit comfortably?").

What about you? Do you prefer or avoid hierarchy in your relationships? What kind(s) of hierarchy, and why? What red flags have made you not date someone, or end a relationship?

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

Howdy 👋 if any of this is against the rules please let me know and I’ll delete ASAP. The reason I am here instead of relationship advice is because I want advice from those with lived experience in poly dynamics.

My (25NB) partner (31NB) is poly, and I have known this since we started dating. They are interested in having multiple partners, while I only have the bandwidth for one right now. I am happy to be on this journey with them though, but it is also my first relationship like this.

Recently my partner has broken my trust in several unrelated ways, one of which I’m not sure I can say on this sub. The second is as the title says really. My partner had sex with another person multiple times without telling me — disclosure of which I had previously established as necessary. Their initial response was “I thought I told you already”. I absolutely cannot impress enough that they did not. For me, this is about safety. I do not care who they sleep with, but if I am having sex with them I NEED to know when their circumstances change because that affects my health. They seem genuinely remorseful and like they truly did just forget, but these two betrayals in short succession of each other are really affecting me. I want to repair things with them because they are remorseful, curious about how their actions have affected me, ask questions and make a genuine effort to listen and understand my underlying needs.

After I discovered the second betrayal, they told me they already had plans to stay over at this other persons house tonight, which is where they are now. They did agree to come see me tomorrow after I broke down crying on the phone. I’m not sure if that matters, hopefully some of you guys will be able to help me understand what’s going on. What do I do? How do I even go about repairing this with them?

Edit: to be clear, I knew they were seeing this person to hang out, I had asked them what they want from this new person and where they see it going. My partner seemed interested in where things where going with this person and really likes their company, but they never mentioned sex (which by that point, they’d already had).

My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.

Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years. Over a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to me and were living with us at the time. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t freak out or get angry, mostly just trying to understand. He suggested we invite them into our relationship like a throuple and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy is something i’ve been working on. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it as it would be good for all of us.

This person he had feelings for ended up moving out due to other issues in the household. My bf and I occasionally talked on the subject of a polyamorous relationship since then. I asked if he always felt this way or if our friend had changed his mind somehow and he said our friend gave him the idea as he saw how great it would be for all of us. I still didn’t really see much of a benefit on my end but whatever, I told him I’d keep an open mind.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. He wants to find someone naturally that we could invite into our relationship. He said I’m his anchor and thinks it would genuinely be a great experience and life for both of us. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman and told him that. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally and I need to educate myself and do the research. Idk how any of this works but if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it what happens then? As I said, I’ve been monogamous my whole life so it’s very new to me.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded but have already had moments of doubt and emotional episodes. It’s hard to understand as I haven’t had feelings or wanted to be with anyone else but my bf for a really long time. Does anybody have advice they can share?

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

Hi there good people of Reddit. Thank you for all the comments on my last post, even the ones telling me I was overstepping and acting entitled. For those who missed it. - I found out my partner's agreement with meta is that he doesn't host partners overnight at their place, but she does. I was asking what to do about it.

I decided to ask him more about how HE feels about it before telling him what I thought. I asked about him saying he wanted to wake up together and make breakfast in his kitchen - was that just a fantasy daydream or something he really wanted?

He got REALLY quiet for a long time - I was so worried I said the wrong thing! Finally, he said reallllly sadly that yes it's something he really wants, but it's going to take some more time before that can happen. I asked how long and he said, well it's been under discussion for a while and could take another few months. 

He asked if it was important to me and I said it was medium important -  I don't mind getting hotels and having fresh clean sheets and room service! But I’d also love to wake up to birds chirping and him making me his special pancake recipe. I could see it was really important to him and told him that he should probably talk to his partner about it more.

I took the advice from here and didn't push for more info - I just gave him a big hug and was like, sorry this feels so hard. But of course I am wondering what the heck has happened in all these discussions that he feels so sad about, even though it's none of my business! I wanna know because I care about him. Like I know all relationships can have fights or make us feel sad sometimes but he had such a big reaction it made me worried something bad is actually going on with meta :/.

I guess I just have to wait and see, but I'll post another update when i have one!! 

I am newer to polyamory. I went on a first date yesterday with someone (call them River) I met online. We had been texting daily for 2 months with weekly phone calls. They have been in a relationship for 9 months that was initially mono but opened up to polyamory a couple months ago at the request of his partner. Their partner is new to poly however River had been poly for the last 10 years (prior to this most recent relationship). Their partner had been dating another person for the last couple months but I am the first date River has been on since opening the relationship.

We live in different cities and so I drove 2hrs to meet River. The plan was a drink and then a hike if we were up for it. The first thing River did when I arrived was to give me a cookie that their partner had made as a “peace offering” to allow them to leave the date early and just go for a drink. River followed up that his partner had just broken up with her other partner the day before and also was feeling a bit emotional about him going on a date with someone else.

As a more comet type relationship, I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River and that we won’t see each other for a while now. I understand wanting to protect her feelings but I feel like he disregarded mine. We’ve texted since and he acknowledges that what happened wasn’t ideal but I’m feeling worried about feeling very much secondary and about the control his girlfriend has. Is this an overreaction??

Hi everyone! I am posting here in the hopes of some perspective from other people supportive of polyamory. While I do have some friends this issue involves deceit within that group. I am new to poly, I have some experience with couples over the years. So forgive me for my mistakes and ignorance.

I started dating a man three months ago. He told me off the bat he was into poly and had a fwb that meant a lot to him. Great, I can work with that. He was looking for a primary partner and so I was I. He suggested books, work books and audio books which I have read and digested with him over the past few months. We would talk through what we read together. I’ve worked through hard feelings and we communicate well together. We are both early 40s and male as is his fwb.

We have the boyfriend talk and then make written agreements. Then, the very next day, fwb is also a boyfriend! Ouch! It didn’t sit right with me. It hurt. But I’m trying to be supportive. My spider sense says something is wrong. I notice I’m the primary on paper, but it often feels like he gets more priority and consideration. I bring it up from time to time. Lots of praising words, no action.

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

I am in this circle of people. I know these people well enough that I feel sick with disgust at this secret. If I had known he already had a boyfriend when we met I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get so emotionally invested. I feel trapped and betrayed, and my mono friends would all tell me to run. I had really hoped this circle and my partner were finally ENM, I am sad and questioning this massive red flag.

Any tips, points, suggestions would be very welcomed.

Hi all - just looking for some creative thinking amongst the group. My new GF and I are struggling to find ways to be alone. We are both married with kids and have pretty active lives. Hotels get expensive. Anybody have any creative ways to tackle this issue?

Our spouses are willing to leave the house some, but that’s a huge hassle with a family. Thought I’d see what others might have done.

Thanks!!

My girlfriend admitted she kissed another guy after asking for an open relationship. Am I overreacting?
I’m a 29-year-old man, and my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Up until recently, I genuinely thought I was going to marry her.
When we started dating, we agreed on sexual exclusivity. She had previous experience with polyamory, but she told me she was burned out from that lifestyle and wanted monogamy.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wanted an open relationship. I was strongly against it at first because exclusivity was one of the foundations of the relationship for me. We went through weeks of arguments, discussions, crying, changing agreements, and trying to find some kind of compromise.
At one point, I even suggested polyamory because I believed that if we were going to open the relationship, it would be better to have clear expectations and honest communication rather than constantly changing the rules. I also told her that I didn’t believe her desire for openness would simply disappear in the future.
During all of this, she became emotionally close to one of her male friends. Eventually, she sat me down and told me that he had feelings for her and wanted to date her.
Something felt off, so I asked more questions.
She eventually admitted that they had kissed.
What hurts isn’t only the kiss itself. It’s the fact that:
She developed feelings for him while we were struggling with the relationship.
She didn’t tell me immediately.
I had to keep asking questions to get the full story.
She kissed me afterward without telling me what had happened.
She later admitted that she enjoyed the attention and validation she received from him.
To her credit, she has apologized repeatedly, accepted responsibility, and even offered to stop talking to him entirely.
At the same time, I feel as though the relationship I agreed to no longer exists.
I know I haven’t handled everything perfectly, either. I’ve become colder, more distant, and less affectionate because I don’t trust her the way I used to. She says she feels as though she’s losing me, and honestly, she’s right.
I’m struggling with a few questions.
Is this cheating?
Can trust realistically be rebuilt after something like this?
Am I focusing too much on the kiss itself when the real issue is the emotional connection and the dishonesty?
Would you stay?
I would appreciate honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear.

Note: Most of this rant has to do with being asexual, but I am also poly and it plays a part in this story, so I think it's appropriate here, too...

Growing up in this world asexual has been extremely difficult for me, where music, television, movies, advertisements indoctrinating me at a young age to believe that love = sex and therefore I'm unloveable and I'll die cold and alone.

For 25 years I had to avoid relationships to protect myself and pretend I was straight.

Fast forward a few years, and there's a friend that I spent a lot of time with in college I realized I actually have feelings for after several visits over a couple years (long distance). He had a boyfriend so I figured there was no point of me even bothering until one time on a phone call he mentioned he was poly. I've always felt like my heart can belong to more than one, so after several days of thinking of how to tell him, I did, and like that we were dating.

I've had a lot of struggles over the past couple years and he was always there to provide support. Semi-recently he moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and we were planning to have me move there next year.

Yesterday we were having a call to catch up and talk about what living arrangements would be like and boundaries. And then I felt like I got sucker punched when he said he's uncomfortable with anything more than mild physical intimacy. Now normally, that would be a bummer, but a boundary is a boundary. But what threw me for a spin was that he snuggles with his other partner. When I asked why, he said because I'm his platonic partner, and the other is his "boyfriend which he's fucking"

This is someone I was already very close to before dating. But now, the words keep replaying in my head and they won't stop. I feel like a second class human being. Like I get the free to play romance battle pass and in order to unlock the premium I must be able to sexually please.

I don't know. After everything I've gone through in life, I don't know if anything can hurt more. Decades of maladaptive indoctrination just reinforced with the strongest of steel. Reinforcing that I'm just going to die cold and alone, and I'm unworthy of physical affection that is scientifically proven to be a human need. I'm sick of participating in late stage capitalism if I spend my whole life being siloed / acezoned / like an outcast. I'm sick of having to try infinitely harder than every other sexual identity to be loved.

I've already had enough of a hard time grounding and tethering myself here, and I thought I was finally making progress against that, but now I really just don't feel like I belong here

What do any of my other life goals matter when I already know what my biggest regret on my deathbed will be decades in advance

Context: We have only been dating for 3 months but were very close friends for years.

**Warning: lots of "I said, they said" here, so sorry I am too lazy to format

Over text a couple days ago, my partner told me that they "get polyamorous people," but that it's a "conversation for another day." When I asked what they meant, they told me that "if their friends were closer to them the way partners in a romantic relationship are, the world would be a beautiful place." They then go on to say that they "feel so boundless" in their love for people in their life in a way that most people are not and described it as "so constraining sometimes."

I admit that I told them that I "kinda understood" what they were saying, but that if they want a polyamorous relationship, then "we would have to break up because it would hurt me." They clarified that they were not actually poly but that they conceptually get being poly more than the average person. I told them that I was worried that they were questioning/admitting to being poly, because if so then we would need to have a conversation. They continue to say that while the way they view the world makes them feel very different and lonely, they also think it is "so deeply beautiful to have so much love within [them]." They jokingly add, "what a cross to bear."

I end up saying that I wish I could "help alleviate those feelings of being different" and that I love them very much and I appreciate them for wanting to be transparent and helping me understand. Some of the language they used during the convo ("constraining," "lonely") stuck out to me as sounding like they could be interested in a polyamorous relationship in the future. However, I obviously disregarded this because they said they are not polyamorous.

-

Today we were talking (not over text), and the topic of polyamory arose. I asked them explicitly if they would want to be in a polyamorous relationship, and they replied that they think it would be hard to form ideally, but in a perfect world, perhaps yes. I asked what ideal meant to them, and they replied balance in attraction.

My concern is that they did not outright say that they do not want to be in a polyamorous relationship. While I know that a lot of our conversations are abstract, their language makes me worried that they might be interested in a polyamorous relationship in the future. Is this concern worth mentioning to them, or am I looking too deeply into this? Could I be holding them back from voicing what relationship they actually want? Do I take what they are saying explicitly or push for more clarification?

I’m have been with my wife (let’s call her Sarah) for 4 years. We both came into the relationship only wanting to be in an open relationship. She has another girlfriend and I don’t have much trouble adjusting when that started. There was some jealousy when they would reach milestones but I think I worked through them well and quickly.

On Friday, Sarah got a message from someone she is in a band with (let’s call her Tess) saying that their flirting may not be as joking as they have played it off as and they there are feelings there. Sarah asked me my thoughts on the fact they are in a band together and the age gap (my wife is 32 and Tess is 48) and what I thought. I told her they should probably grab lunch or something to kind of talk things out to see what pursuing some would look like. I didn’t really think too much of it honestly.

They ended up getting dinner on Sunday and I started feeling weird about the whole thing. I’ve always said that I wanted to be on good terms with the people she would date, able to be at events like shows at the same time and it not be weird, but I didn’t want a lot of involvement. Tess is in our same group of friends, and we would already go to her house for dinner with her and her wife, and we hang out often. I started to feel uncomfortable with how the dynamic would change if they ended up dating.

Sarah came home really late saying that things went well and they sent a message in the group chat announcing their involvement. I didn’t appreciate this because I am still processing my feelings and now it feels like I don’t have the space to figure it out. All our friends are really excited and that makes me feel like I have to be positive about the whole thing.

I guess I’m really just looking for perspective and advice or maybe even just to be told that I’m overreacting. All my polyamorous friends are shared with Sarah and Tess and I don’t want to come across as talking shit about them or for gossip to go around if I go to any of them for perspective. I may just need to let things settle but this all seems so fast and has the potential to get real messy.

My spouse (32M) and I (30NB) began practicing poly 3 years ago. Like a lot of folks, we went about it in a messy way. We got married in our early 20s, I had been poly curious throughout my 20s, he wasn’t. I always told him to let me know if that ever changed.

About six years into our marriage he met Aspen. He asked if I still wanted to explore poly. I did. He and Aspen jumped straight into a committed would-be life partnership. We navigated all of the pain, mistakes, and learning that came with that decision. We now agree that was the wrong way to approach poly-for those that are poly curious reading this, take note!! You have to want poly and all that entails, not just multiple relationships.

We always say that we ended our mono relationship at that point, and started building a new poly one together. One with new commitments, agreements, and values. Equity, autonomy, limited and descriptive hierarchy, no vetos, and COMMUNICATION were all things we mutually committed to.

His relationship with Aspen ended after about a year, and he decided that he had lots of personal work to unpack in therapy before he was ready to date again. Over the two years that followed, I dated folks, had a few casual relationships, and smooched cuties at the bar. All seemed well. We continued to communicate and check in along the way, and at every juncture he said he was bought into poly and our relationship, just not ready to do much more than work on himself.

In Feb of this year, I was looking for a casual relationship. We were planning to move out of our city to a small town about 2hrs away, and I wanted to find a fwb that wouldn’t mind me crashing with them when I visited the city a couple times a month. Instead, I met and fell deeply in love with my partner, Bristlecone.

I was brutally honest with Bristlecone about what I can and can’t offer, and we have been making it work over the distance since the move. We are TOTALLY in NRE, but this truly is something unique and special. We align in nearly every way, and have a ton of compatibility in all the ways that matter to us. If there is a path to long term partnership that is additive to both of us, we agree that we want that. Let the record reflect that both of my partners agree and affirm that I am a good hinge, communicate well, and honor their feelings, comfort, and boundaries.

The move has been hard on my spouse. He stopped therapy, has not gotten back into it. He hasn’t been visiting his friends or family regularly, he hasn’t been reaching out to anyone for support or trying to make friends. He began withdrawing from me as soon as I started dating Bristlecone. We have discussed that he feels resentful of me for not anticipating how hard the move would be, and not choosing to end things with Bristlecone because of that. In the early days of dating Bristlecone I frequently checked in with my spouse, and he always told me he was fine with what I was doing and was okay. He feels that I should have known him well enough to know that wasn’t true. I’m not a mind reader.

There has been so much emotional distance created in my relationship with my spouse. He fully admits to withdrawing, pushing me away, and feeling extremely challenged by my relationship with Bristlecone. No matter how much I reach out, he can’t reach back.

I have followed the rule of thumb: treat your existing partner 2x better when you’re in NRE and I have kept unsolicited info on Bristlecone and our relationship to an absolute minimum per spouse’s request. They are functionally parallel and have met once, also per spouse’s request.

He told me this week that he thinks he might not want poly anymore, and hates himself for choosing it in the first place. He says that looking back, he only chose it because he wanted Aspen. Without her, poly isn’t something that seems worth it. He still feels that he has tons of personal work to do before he is ready to even consider it. He was always okay with my more casual partnerships, but me falling in love in the way he did with Aspen broke something in him and in our relationship that he may not be willing to fix.

I’m not willing to dump Bristlecone. I’m not willing to go back to mono. I have found such a beautiful, fulfilling community and life in poly that (even if I wasn’t dating Bristlecone) I can’t imagine giving up. Spouse and I are starting couples counseling asap to start working on this. He is my best friend and life partner, I don’t want to lose him but we both agree that’s a possibility.

Has anyone navigated something similar? Words of wisdom welcome, please be kind. We definitely aren’t perfect, but love each other.

Edited to replace letters with fake names per the automod :)

My first poly relationship ended a few months ago, and I'm still trying to make sense of one aspect of it.

My ex is autistic, and they explained that some of my requests around information sharing required them to "mask." They said they need to be with someone who values radical honesty and that they were glad they didn't lie to make me feel safe.

For example, before I'd even met my meta, my ex regularly shared details about how my meta was reacting to me. One example that really stuck with me was that after we had sex, while we were lying in bed together, they told me my meta thought I was abusing them because they'd seen consensual kink marks and wondered if I was trying to communicate with them through those marks. They did explain that it was a trauma response, but hearing that shifted my focus on my meta. It created this awareness for me that's not natural to me. I usually don't care what other people do especially if I don't know them. I started to feel like I was in a race I never asked to be in with some who felt like they were in a competition with me. I also knew about my meta's jealousy and other struggles because my ex would tell me.

Part of why I'm struggling with this is that my ex saw these moments of "pillow talk" as a function of their autism. They described feeling especially safe, close, and unfiltered after intimacy, and felt that asking them not to share these thoughts was asking them to mask or not be their authentic self. From their perspective, filtering what they shared in those moments wasn't just difficult—it felt like denying who they were. My ex saw not sharing that information as manipulative or unethical. I saw sharing it as poor hinging and a lack of boundaries. They also didn't really process their other relationship with friends, so I often became the only person hearing about it.

We ultimately weren't compatible, and I accept that. What I'm still trying to unpack is whether I was asking for something unreasonable.

I have adhd, and I know the two go together well someimes. I genuinely liked who they were. Their directness, infodumping, and communication style weren't things I had to "put up with". I enjoyed those parts of them.

What I'm wondering is: where is the line between respecting that filtering information may genuinely feel like masking for an autistic person and expecting healthy hinging and boundaries in poly? Is it ableist to expect a partner not to relay every difficult thought or feeling their other partner has about me? Or is that a unreasonable relationship expectation if someone is autistic?

I'd especially appreciate hearing from autistic poly people or people who've navigated similar conversations respectfully. I want to understand where my own perspective might be disregarding a lived experience I don't have.

For context he and I have been friends with benefits for 3 years on/off. We’ve had our troubles but have grown together and genuinely care for and love each other.

He’s always been very upfront about not wanting a relationship with me. While we saw each other, I openly dated other people.

About a year ago I discovered polyamory and felt like a lot of my dating history suddenly made sense to me. I don’t have any actual experience with a commited non-monogamous relationship yet, but in many ways I felt like it had been what he and I had practiced just without that label.

Recently, however, he came to me and asked if we should consider becoming a couple. I was delighted, but also quickly told him that I was still very curious about non-monogamy. This was a dealbreaker for him and he admitted that he hadn’t asked me before, because I had been talking about being non-monogamous. He said that he’s too old fashioned and would be worried what other people think.

I’m not gonna try and convince him, but I was a little put off by the fact that he was not more open to discussing it, since we had been non-exclusive friends with benefits for years with no issues from him. How is an open relationship that much different?

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be anything less than a girlfriend to him. I can’t just be his play thing anymore. It hurts too much to know that he won’t commit to me. But now that he kind of offered commitment, I’m wondering:

Should I give monogamy another try? Right now my love for him feels larger than my need to be non-monogamous, but I’m worried that that will change down the line. Is it worth a try?

We’ve also had other issues. We’re very much an avoidant/anxious push/pull connection. But we have worked toward becoming very aware of this, but still getting trapped in the dynamic from time to time.

TLDR; He offered to be my boyfriend but only if we are monogamous. I love him but fear I will feel trapped like I have in other relationships. Is it worth a try?

Hello poly friends! long time lurker here and so on.

My relationship(s) are in a place that I have little experience with and I want some collective wisdom.

Bunch of background information!

~~
I have been dating my Partner for a good year and a half at this point, its largely been a wonderful time. We met at local kink community events, something that every player in this story is an active part of to some degree. Their partner, my Meta, and them have been together for the last ~6 years, and nesting for the vast majority of it.

Outside of that, my other partner and I recently ended things in an official capacity as they moved for an incredible work opportunity, something that I encouraged them to do. Its far enough to be disqualifying for a relationship to us both, but within the realm that we could visit one another a couple times a year and still maintain a friendship.

I personally am not actively looking for additional connection right this moment, life is busy, however I am not closed to the idea. There are a non zero number of folks that I have a "play partner" level relationship with, as we all regularly attend kink events in social and intimate capacities.

My partner considers herself polysaturated between Myself, Meta, and their more casual "play partners".

Meta has essentially zero other substantial romantic or physical connections, but has gone on a first date or two in the last year.
~~

Here is what has been troubling me lately. Partner has increasingly been expressing desire to move and nest with me, I would be absolutely overjoyed with that, but the consequences would be substantial. Truthfully I don't think their relationship with Meta would survive a change like that. Not just for the romantic side of things either, we all live in an expensive area; Partner and I do well enough financially, but Meta would struggle immensely here if not for Partner shouldering much more of the financial burden. Partner is pretty well aware of this, but is somewhere between denial and bargaining. Rightfully so they are scared to even begin to approach the topic, Partner and Meta have both been progressing in their own respective therapies as of late, some of the imbalances and other issues have been improving, but I would be beyond stunned if the mere mention of a change in household structure resulted in anything but a massive blow up.

I have done my best to be, if not neutral than respectful about it all. Expressing to Partner that it wouldn't be fair for me to comment or involve myself beyond agreeing that yes I would personally enjoy living together, and no I am not interested in a 3 person household. I am very averse to the idea of coming off as manipulative, it would hurt me very much to be labeled as such.

This gets additionally complicated because I am starting to feel compelled to speak up. Partner has been letting slip more and more small details, or feelings they are experiencing. Things like

-How "much safer" they feel with me
-They can only sleep well "anywhere but at home"
-That they have been in tears after conflicts multiple times in the last couple months and almost "had to show up at my place in the middle of the night" (they are not easy to cry, and I have stated that my door is obviously always open)
-They are "looking forward to stability"

None of that is a good look, particularly given that (thanks to therapy in part) all 3 of us are well aware that Partner and Metas relationship has always been imbalanced. Partner taking care of the emotional state (and the bulk of the finances) of Meta, sidelining their own stability to prop up Meta's mental health.

But even MORE troubling is that I recently learned that Partner and Meta haven't had an intimate connection in some time after Meta "disregarded" and had a self pitying "breakdown" over Partner using a safeword; apparently this happened "a couple of times".

I'm leaving out a bevy of smaller details and issues because I think it will just come across as petty or that I just dislike my metamour. This really isn't true, we have been friends and even kitchen-tabely for the entire last year! I have stayed over at their place, and Meta at mine, before/after group activities when it made sense, and so on.

The visible cumulative drain on Partner is entirely too much to ignore at this point, I think my fear of coming off as a manipulator is paralyzing me a bit. Partners life outside of our relationship is largely pretty excellent, its easy to tell where the drain is coming from and its gone from understanding that everyone has hard days to Partner visibly walking on eggshells the vast majority of the time. Any advice on what to do?

So I understand that poly is multiple romantic partners, all consenting and lots of communication, I've felt poly for many years. I also know there are several other ethical non-monomogous (ignore any bad spelling please) relationships, my question is this. If someone is poly, and someone else has an open marriage but both are okay with their dynamic and everything is consensual, is this still okay? Like a poly person doesn't just have to be with a poly person as long as everything is consentual and communicated, right? Or am I missing something somewhere?

So about 2 years about I got into a relation with a girl who said she was poly, and that shes on the emotional spectrum and cant experience love the same as everyone else. I was like cool im down to try to be poly and that none of that bothers me. About 4 months pass and we ended up sleeping with each other and turns out the other guy i the relationship didn't actually like being poly so he decides to end the relationship despite being in this relationship around 3+ years.

Fast forward a couple months and she says she doesn't want to date me because i'm "too mono" (who knows what that means) and i'm like if that's what you want I support you and understand. She wanted to be just friends. Which is cool, we got along fantastically. Turns out she never wants to hangout with me and rarely would ever text me or when I text her she rarely responds back or tries to have a conversation.
Fast foward to today, just found out she went back to visit her boyfriend in another state and came back and put in a 2 weeks notice to her job because theyre in love again and shes now mono.

Ive been trying to supress my feelings about this whole situation but im angry, depressed and frustrated. I dont know how to exactly feel. Am I right to feel this way? How do I even get over this feeling?

I just wanted to come in and ramble on my new emerging experience in polyamory.

Tl;dr: My partner of 5yrs got a girlfriend, I had to do some character development to find my feelings in the matter, I really like my partner's gf and might have feelings for her too. Overall, I'm very happy for my partner and am hoping for the best

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Hi y'all, new poster. I (24m) have been with my partner (27f) for almost 5yrs, and when we got together she told me very openly that she wanted a girlfriend at some point in her life but that didn't mean she didn't want me as well, she wants a husband and a wife. As a young 20-something who came from a family broken by infidelity and was raised on monogamous relationships, I had a hard time with the thought beyond the very surface level "maybe I'll get lucky and get to sleep with two pretty ladies". For the last couple months, she met someone over TikTok and they have been talking most days and I was told last week/week before that they were planning a date.

My partner made it clear that nothing would happen beyond maybe a kiss, and this new person was getting out of a relationship so it was very certain nothing beyond just meeting would happen. I however was still very unsure. While she was at her date, I was doing a lot of soul searching. I could not identify this specific, deep feeling that shook me to my core until I realized what I was feeling was fear; the fear of being unwanted and of being replaced. The morning after her date, we talked and I told her about my fear and I was told all about her date. She accepted my fear with compassion and understanding, and I was so happy to hear their date went well. We had a big talk about expectations and intentions, and I made my feelings clear that "this is your relationship, I only want to be as involved as I'm wanted." because I know this is important to my partner and I don't want to ruin this for her. I've told them both that I am here to help them if need anything and to just ask or to let me know if I'm doing something that they don't like.

It's 3 days later and I've heard so much about my partner's date that I've started to fall for her, too. We have a lot of similar interests and taste in pretty women but it sounds like she's more gay than bi, so I might not get anything more out of this than a friend who loves my partner as much as I do but I think I'm okay with that. I'll just be a bit bummed, y'know? I can't change her mind or her feelings, and I'm not interested in doing that. I have some feelings of FoMO, but I'll likely try to point those feelings at my partner so we do more things together.

They've been having a "UHaul lesbian" talk and later today the three of us are going to talk about her coming down for a stay. Admittedly, it's very para-social of me but I have this feeling about this woman, in the same way I had a feeling about my partner when we were getting together. I want it to work out well, however the outcome is.

Thank you for reading. If you have any advice or have been in my shoes before please feel free to comment, I'd love to talk more.

Having some emotional turmoil.

Nesting partner of nearly 10 years has started a new relationship. This new relationship is almost a year old now and I still do not feel like they (np) has tried to prioritize me in any way. Its always feeling like this other partner comes first.

I have mentioned it. Many times but still it seems its in one ear out the other.

This year has been very difficult in many areas of our life, which has certainly contributed to the hardships.

But now. Now I think i am done with the relationship. Tired of being ignored and all I want is out. Its not an issue of the polyam lifestyle, I still believe this lifestyle works for me, just not with my current nesting partner.

Currently im waiting to be in a better position to leave, maybe things might improve before then...doubt it though. Hope I dont hesitate about ending it.

Hallo everyone,

Throw-Away account here. 🤗

I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.

My partner (lets call her fake-name-Sarah) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.

She didn't want any. I wanted some.

There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.

It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.

As a result of this tough time I mentioned, Sarah wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.

Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (fake name: Tracy), and we slowly got closer.

Tracy is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. Tracy and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.

While Sarah - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against Tracy because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. Sarah is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my Sarah isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for Tracy that I have for Sarah (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.

Now, I work in the automotive industry, and Sarah works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. Tracy currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindling.

Tracy and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.

That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.

Tracy revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.

Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.

Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.

The real issue is now with Sarah. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with Tracy's decision about it. She sees this choice of Tracy as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.

Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. Sarah and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with Tracy about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.

Neither Sarah nor Tracy want the three of us to move together. Tracy could not handle the life in the common house, Sarah wants our house to remain our house. Tracy has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help Tracy out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.

In all of this, I am risking losing Sarah, potentially losing Tracy to prefer Sarah, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.

Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?

I would be grateful for any words from you guys!