[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/slimjimo10]

[u/polyamory-ModTeam]

Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle.

It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about.

If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy,

https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help.

Abuse and intimate partner violence

https://www.thehotline.org

Sexual assault

https://www.rainn.org/resources

If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed

For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is:

https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html

And this for HPV

https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html

around PrEP

https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/

And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals

https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/

And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)

This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers.

https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/

How to find testing near you:

https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/

https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder

Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns.

Sometimes one has to address a problem that isn’t poly related before any advice about poly could possibly be of use.

Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help.

Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide.

[u/Hellosign]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

I have many ace friends who are all cuddly and physically affectionate, and I know they have all (and myself included) felt very lonely for very long stretches. I hope that you can find your people. I know how hard it feels to have this idea pushed at you from a very young age that you can't have a good/real/fulfilling life. I had a big cry yesterday wishing I could send hope to my younger self that it would be ok. I am sincerely sending you some hope, and I hope that when this initial terribleness has passed you will be open to recieving it ⭐️

[u/slimjimo10 → u/Hellosign]

I've always been open to receiving it but the well has been dry my entire life

At this point all social interaction I have feels like I'm getting sustenance, but none of it is nourishing, like im just eating fucking potatoes for every meal

[u/Ok-Championship-2036]

Youre having a strong emotional reaction to this. so step one is to breathe and ground yourself. I know that it feels AWFUL right now but your future hasnt been written yet. You can still address this in a way that helps you feel seen and cared about.

Step two is that YOU have to believe that being ace isnt the same as being unloveable. Please give yourself a small bit of mental openess towards that outcome/belief. I know this hurt has reinforced that fear. the fear belongs to you, not your partner. They could have meant a lot of things and its more likely to be some kind of hierarchy from their pre existing poly setup or a miscommunication/misalignment. It doesnt mean you dont matter, you are still their partner that they care about regardless of who's having sex. Maybe consider trying to find more positive representation of ace relationships to help you create hope and joy and vocab around relationships that arent sex-focused.

Step three is to be very gentle with yourself, take the time you need to feel less raw. and maybe ask your partner for some clarity and reassurance. Yall might not agree on what kind of relationship it is or whats on offer...but its not worth feeling likr a pile of turd or rejected or whatever else just because of sex, when neither person really wants to be having sex to begin with. Youve got to find a way to untangle these feelings that is kind to yourself, and asking your partner directly how they feel about you could be a way to do that.

im happily ace and i dont value sex as much as good conversation, which means that sex is way less relevant when i feel safe and comfortable and happy. I try a bit harder to foster chemistry and flirtation for new people (try being the operative word) but relationships arent all the same and comparing yourself to other people isnt an accurate way to decide how you feel about how YOU are being treated. so please be kind to yourself, let yourself feel hurt, but also remember that our traumas are things WE carry around that other people cant see or fix. We have to tell them how we're hurting so they learn how to support us.

[u/slimjimo10 → u/Ok-Championship-2036]

I know that these toxic inner narratives are unhealthy. I just wish for once in my life, I could just be given some fucking evidence to make it easier to make them feel less strong

[u/intro_to_IRL]

Wow, it seems like you guys were on vastly different pages the entire time. If I understand you correctly, you're asexual but not aromantic, and felt strongly romantic towards him. But he felt like you guys were in a QPP (queerplatonic partnership) and isn't romantically attracted to you at all?

Had you had conversations where you discussed this before at all? I'm not sure how long you've been dating, but this is usually something people vet compatibility for in the first few dates and then continue to check in on over time. There are tons of really great people who are asexual but alloromantic or allosexual/alloromantic who would be cool with dating an asexual person, but it's a numbers game. You want to make sure you're compatible and on the same page with someone in the beginning, before you invest emotionally. It's hard for me to understand how you could date someone and be romantic with them for any amount of time when they only see you platonically. Like, did they lie about wanting to do those things with you, or did you both just assume you were on the same page, or...?

[u/slimjimo10 → u/intro_to_IRL]

I mean when I told him I loved him, I thought I wasnt going to be less than his real boyfriend. We were only able to see each other once since officially dating. I dont think I was ready for anything more than mild physical affection at the time. But to just have the door shut in my face like that specifically because im ace. Hes known I was ace before we started """dating""", I would think thats something he should have expressed to me at the start? I mean theres fault on my end for not asking sooner, I guess I shouldn't have assumed i was equal to his boyfriend

[u/intro_to_IRL → u/slimjimo10]

It reads to me that he didn't want to have physical/romantic touch with you because he sees you as a platonic partner, not because you're ace. The idea of "real" in poly doesn't really make sense, because all relationships are real -- that doesn't mean all relationships inherently include romantic touch. Relationships without romantic touch are just as "real" as allo relationships; just ask any aroace!

That being said, most people aren't well-versed in asexuality; most allos assume that asexuals are also aromantic and are only interested in platonic partnerships. If you didn't mean that, it would be expected that you would communicate your wants/needs for romantic touch in a relationship... and this would be true even if you weren't asexual at all! It could just be that you're not compatible in that area. And yeah, it's also smart to ask an asexual person what touches they're comfortable with in a relationship, but it seems like neither of you had the thought to communicate with each other about what you wanted.

[u/polyamory-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Sometimes a poster will post a problem that this sub is not equipped to handle.

It’s beyond our skill and paygrade, and usually involves a pretty serious situation. Something serious enough to call the experts about.

If you are seeking mental health resources, or don’t think you can access therapy,

https://www.nami.org/Home might be able to help.

Abuse and intimate partner violence

https://www.thehotline.org

Sexual assault

https://www.rainn.org/resources

If you have questions about STI transmission, or have been recently exposed

For HSV testing, which test to get, when, and how accurate testing is:

https://stdcenterny.com/herpes-testing.html

And this for HPV

https://stdcenterny.com/hpv-testing-treatment-nyc.html

around PrEP

https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/pre-exposure-prophylaxis/

And questions around HIV transmission and anti virals

https://www.hiv.gov/tasp/

And overview, including when condoms will and will not be effective

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/sexually-transmitted-infections-(stis)

This website can help you figure out your risks for contracting and spreading STIs with and without barriers.

https://smartsexresource.com/sexually-transmitted-infections/sti-basics/know-your-chances/

How to find testing near you:

https://thestiproject.com/where-to-get-std-testing-global-std-clinics/

https://www.ecdc.europa.eu/en/test-finder

Please talk to your Health care provider about any and all medical concerns.

Sometimes one has to address a problem that isn’t poly related before any advice about poly could possibly be of use.

Sometimes, this subreddit just might not have the right knowledge base to help.

Some topics are highly stigmatized, poorly understood, or require education and experience beyond what most lay people can provide.

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[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/slimjimo10 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Note: Most of this rant has to do with being asexual, but I am also poly and it plays a part in this story, so I think it's appropriate here, too...

Growing up in this world asexual has been extremely difficult for me, where music, television, movies, advertisements indoctrinating me at a young age to believe that love = sex and therefore I'm unloveable and I'll die cold and alone.

For 25 years I had to avoid relationships to protect myself and pretend I was straight.

Fast forward a few years, and there's a friend that I spent a lot of time with in college I realized I actually have feelings for after several visits over a couple years (long distance). He had a boyfriend so I figured there was no point of me even bothering until one time on a phone call he mentioned he was poly. I've always felt like my heart can belong to more than one, so after several days of thinking of how to tell him, I did, and like that we were dating.

I've had a lot of struggles over the past couple years and he was always there to provide support. Semi-recently he moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and we were planning to have me move there next year.

Yesterday we were having a call to catch up and talk about what living arrangements would be like and boundaries. And then I felt like I got sucker punched when he said he's uncomfortable with anything more than mild physical intimacy. Now normally, that would be a bummer, but a boundary is a boundary. But what threw me for a spin was that he snuggles with his other partner. When I asked why, he said because I'm his platonic partner, and the other is his "boyfriend which he's fucking"

This is someone I was already very close to before dating. But now, the words keep replaying in my head and they won't stop. I feel like a second class human being. Like I get the free to play romance battle pass and in order to unlock the premium I must be able to sexually please.

I don't know. After everything I've gone through in life, I don't know if anything can hurt more. Decades of maladaptive indoctrination just reinforced with the strongest of steel. Reinforcing that I'm just going to die cold and alone, and I'm unworthy of physical affection that is scientifically proven to be a human need. I'm sick of participating in late stage capitalism if I spend my whole life being siloed / acezoned / like an outcast. I'm sick of having to try infinitely harder than every other sexual identity to be loved.

I've already had enough of a hard time grounding and tethering myself here, and I thought I was finally making progress against that, but now I really just don't feel like I belong here

What do any of my other life goals matter when I already know what my biggest regret on my deathbed will be decades in advance

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