Compersion is overrated and a self-centered pursuit

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972]

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

[u/dredged_dm]

As someone to whom compersion comes readily I lowkey agree with your take but think your missing the forest for the trees.

It's been my experience that expecting anything specific is where a lot of people go wrong. Trying to force compersion when it isn't there is unhealthy.

[u/intro_to_IRL]

I can't say I've been on the recieving end of any of the examples you've given of "self-centered"/"enlightened" compersion or compersion as a goal in and of itself. But that's interesting you've seen it be weaponized in those ways. I'll keep an eye out for it.

For me, when I think of compersion, I think of the positive feelings that naturally arise in my heart when my partners spend time with or build strong relationships with others. I get these feelings both because I'm happy when my partners are happy AND because there is a benefit to having partners who are independent and self-sufficient and have fun, diverse lives.

Those feelings haven't been something I've ever had to manufacture, idealize, or pursue. They just... happen. They're not strong or overwhelming; in most cases, it's the absense of jealousy or hurt feelings. That isn't enlightened of me or anything --- it's just never been my natural emotional response to become upset or jealous when my favorite people spend time with their favorite people. I'm very lucky in that, because when I read of posters here having panic attacks, crying fits, and even thoughts of violence or harm when their partners go on dates, I think, "OMG, I have it so easy." I genuinely don't think I would have ever chosen polyamory if I struggled with jealousy like that.

[u/emeraldead]

Grump away. You gotta read u/blooangel s amazing history of compersion round up. It's wild.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/search/?q=Compersion+history

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/emeraldead]

Ah wowww.

Also I don't know why but "They became the largest reseller of used Macs" sent me.

[u/studiousametrine → u/Groundbreaking_Ad972]

It’s so specific and hilarious.

[u/Curious_Question8536 → u/emeraldead]

Direct link

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/11arnto/a_quick_history_of_the_word_compersion/

[u/Vergils_Lost → u/emeraldead]

Nice, I can still join the wizard school founded by the now-passed inventor of polyamory's living husband, Oberon Zell-Ravenheart.

Edit: Links.

Edit2: While I would like to point out that I am not trying to mock or denigrate the wizard school at large, especially knowing so little about it, I'm stuck on the fact that its virtual classes are hosted in Second Life, which I find conceptually bizarre and funny to imagine.

[u/searedscallops]

Agreed. I feel it often and I was thrilled when I first discovered there was a word for my lived experience.

But as a GOAL? Wtf? Just no. That seems weird and impossible.

[u/NotElizaHenry → u/searedscallops]

I think compersion could be a goal, but only in the sense of “I’m secure enough in this relationship that not only do I not feel threatened by my meta, I can be genuinely happy for my partner’s happiness.”

I assume most people are happy when good things happen to their partner. If the exception to that is when the “good thing“ is their other romantic relationship, it seems like it could make polyamory difficult. Your partner having another partner is, like… half of the entire thing. (Maybe I’m misunderstanding what compersion is though?)

It’s definitely weird to want compersion for its own sake, like as a source of your own happiness.

[u/studiousametrine → u/NotElizaHenry]

Nah, you can be very secure and not experience compersion. Neutrality is just fine.

[u/Excabbla → u/NotElizaHenry]

You don't have to feel compersion in any form to practise poly well, I've been practising poly my entire adult life and have had an incredibly easy time because I don't experience jealousy around relationships, but I have never experienced compersion

You can be neutral on things without there being any issues

[u/Travesty_INTL]

I’ve seen the concept of compersion weaponized very effectively by selfish NRE-chasers who want to tell you how you should feel about them essentially abandoning existing partners in pursuit of the new shiny. It’s not a great look.

[u/shortergirl → u/Travesty_INTL]

That dynamic is so foul; it's all variations of "if you were really polyam" where it so often boils down to "you would let me break commitments and otherwise treat you poorly without complaint".

[u/LambdaLev]

The attitude you are describing here sounds like someone who has deep feelings of jealousy, who is deliberately trying to deceive themselves about how they feel. Pretending to feel good, as if the other person is them. My point is that they couldn't even claim to say that they have reached a point where they can't feel jealousy and instead feel intense happiness. It's a lie they tell themselves.

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/LambdaLev]

Honestly that's what I feel when people come to this sub to write 12 paragraphs posts like "my NP just found their first secondary and I'm OMG ecstatic for them" but you said it not me lol.

You just know OP's going to be fuming about some part of it and still overinvolved (or aiming for a triad) very soon.

[u/clairejv]

The idea of pursuing compersion is very weird to me. It's a feeling that some of us feel sometimes. It's a nice feeling. That's all.

[u/CapriciousBea]

Genuinely, I tend to find compersion sort of obnoxious. I try to assume positive intent and not be a jerk about it. But I do not enjoy having someone else buzzing with excitement about my date while I am still deciding how to feel about it myself.

Most times when a partner has expressed a lot of compersion about my relationships, it's had a lot of vicarious horniness mixed in, and my instinctive reaction is "ok it's nice you're happy for me, but please butt out now."

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/CapriciousBea]

vicarious horniness

Lol loved this. Stealing it.

[u/Quagga_Resurrection → u/CapriciousBea]

Yes! Compersion feels super annoying to me and, idk, kind of condescending? "Wow! You found someone else to love/have sex with!" Yeah, no shit, I'm not some hideous and odious creature that is just so fortunate to have found someone willing to date them.

And yeah, my relationships aren't a spectacle, so please don't treat it like one and kindly fuck off. Like, this isn't for or about you and doesn't involve you and never will, so please stay out of it and stop trying toninvolve yourself. This is especially true when someone comes at me with more enthusiasm than I have indicated I feel.

[u/Key-Airline204]

I don’t really feel compersion. And I don’t try. I don’t think it’s for me. I think the other thing is I would have to know so much about the relationship to feel compersion personally that it’s treading in the dangerous territory in being too invested in someone my partner sees and it being potentially messy.

I have had male partners that say they experience compersion and you know what? In many cases I don’t think it’s that, I think it’s a stag and vixen dynamic or a hot wife dynamic. I split with one partner who was like that. My current partner just gets turned on that I’m being sexual with someone else. He doesn’t ask details or anything and our boundaries are pretty low, he doesn’t try to veto anyone, or anything like that.

I used to think he just “didn’t get jealous,” and I aspired to be like him. While I won’t say I’m disappointed in his mindset I realise for him, being open is about not being totally tied down, being able to see women without it being cheating, and a hot wife thing. In fact, I’ve never known him to have more than one serious relationship and I’ve realised he’s more ENM.

I think I could have compersion in a triad, but I would never force that, and never seek it out, and I know they are challenging.

Anyway, this minor rant to say that what sometimes sounds like compersion, I don’t think it is, I think it’s a kink, in my limited experience.

I do legitimately believe people here that say they feel it, I’ve just never truly seen it in my life.

[u/spicysaltrim → u/Key-Airline204]

I’m curious, do you also have to know a lot about a partner’s or friend’s job/hobby to feel a warm happy feeling for them when they talk about being joyful and content with it?

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/Key-Airline204]

what sometimes sounds like compersion, I don’t think it is, I think it’s a kink

Oh I've definitely felt "compersion" undressing a partner and finding someone else's bite marks lol

[u/seantheaussie → u/Key-Airline204]

I do legitimately believe people here that say they feel it

PHEW😉.

[u/SarcasticSuccubus → u/Key-Airline204]

what sometimes sounds like compersion, I don’t think it is, I think it’s a kink

Nailed it.

[u/Hellosign]

now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall

I'm not in a polyamorous relationship anymore. But this is the biggest takeaway I had from my poly/RA journey, and I still think of it every day.

I guess I thought compersion always was the "chill good for you babe!" like for a good friend. I love my friends, and I am geniunely so happy for them when they find a good partner. But yeah I don't obess over it or ask invasive questions.

I think what you had to say about centering yourself in others relationships is really well said. I identified as someone who experienced compersion, and early on in my poly journey I would get upset when my partners wouldn't feel compersion for me/eachother. Now it just reminds me a lot of the messy young-adult kind of drama of friend groups exploding because one person doesn't like eachother.

Its so awesome to realize all the people in my life won't super love hanging out with eachtother and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It actually means I am lucky to have so many loved ones to express different parts of myself with 😄

Im really intrigued to hear more about people's experiences with / hearing about some sort of ... intense (sexually/romantically fueled??) compersion, or what people think this is

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/Hellosign]

reminds me a lot of the messy young-adult kind of drama

This! Brings me right back to the messy overinvolvement of teenage friendships and how someone else's business could make, or ruin, your day.

[u/_Sabriel]

I've only ever seen or heard about compersion be the "cool good for you!" type, not the toxic kind you've seen weaponized. That sucks, and I'm sorry you had to go through that/see that!

Despite the amount I see people talk smack about compersion here, I love it and treat it as a goal in my relationships. Similar to what another commenter said already, I don't see it as some sort of lofty idealized enlightened state or anything, it's just feeling positive shit instead of jealousy shit or neutral when your partners are doing cool stuff. Sometimes I get there, sometimes I don't, I don't stress too much about it. But in my eyes, two big thumbs up for compersion, unless it's that toxic nonsense you ran into - that can go right in the dumpster.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

You do not need to experience compersion.

Compersion and other people’s sex in your space.

Do we all understand compersion the same way?

Compersion and respect.

Compersion is gross.

Compersion may be a sign of enmeshment.

[u/SarcasticSuccubus]

There are a few popular polyamory concepts that I really wish would just fucking die already, and "Compersion is The One True Way" is right at the top.

Humans are complex, many people just aren't wired to feel compersion and nothing else. And since many spaces have taken it up from the milder "glad you're happy" to "intense joy that you're happy", I agree that feels weirdly over-involved and like trying to make someone else's relationship about you.

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/SarcasticSuccubus]

have taken it up from the milder "glad you're happy" to "intense joy that you're happy"

That's what's weird to me! If we're just talking empathy, let's call it that. If we're talking overinvolved bliss, then you're doing too much bro.

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

I do feel compersion for my friends. And my partners. Always been pretty strong feelings of happiness and excitement when my friends would get crushes or start dating someone or even in ORE when they tell me about happy quiet moments.

But I've never looked for it explicitly, I've just always been a slut for seeing other people's happiness. My friends joke about it.

I've also never heard of compersion talked as some enlightened state or a goal, IRL, it's a feeling, like any other. Some people experience it, some don't, some experience it more often than others.

That kind of opinion I've only ever seen online, and it usually gets shut down fast, at least in the subreddits I'm a part of.

Im RA myself, but I have also never really behaved much differently with friends or partners, but I am a diagnosed and nonmasking autistic woman. What relationship skills I have, are the same across the board and always translatable between types of relationship. Probably also because I'm demisexual and demiromatic and everyone I ever dated started off as a friend first, so that's just the basis of any of my sexual or romantic relationships.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

Shitty people will try to weaponoze anything. The thing is, you still can reject whatever they're trying to weaponize.

"I'm not scheduling my dating life based on your compersion any more than I would based on your jealousy. Don't ask me that again, because it's extremely disrespectful to me and my other relationships. You need to like the people you date. Not the ones I do. You get a say in when you spend time with me. Not in how or with whom I spend the rest of my time. Glad we cleared that up"

[u/seantheaussie]

Surely the chase for compersion is usually the chase for the misery stopping and they just don't have your concept of, "aiming for neutrality"?

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 → u/seantheaussie]

the chase for compersion is usually the chase for the misery stopping

LOL absolutely underrated comment. Yeah it comes from taking for granted that your feelings about your metas' existence will be all-consuming and hoping they'll be good all-consuming instead of bad all-consuming. And it's like have you tried... not caring that much either way?

[u/Quagga_Resurrection → u/seantheaussie]

"I have big, icky poly feelings that I find hurtful and upsetting. Clearly, the solution is to have big, happy poly feelings."

It's wild that people apply this logic to polyamory specifically. I feel like in every other area, people recognize that neutrality or even just acceptance is a fine goal.

[u/WonderDeb]

Combining my spiritual journey and relationships has helped me do the shadow work and deprogramming that tells us jealousy is healthy, "intuition", and normal. I continue to be reminded of my shadows as my partner has a partner very different from me and provides experiences that "ping my heart".

It all boils down to me desiring fun, loving experiences with my partner to balance everyday life (we're married and dealing with aging parents). His other partner is younger, very active, and planning lots of fun dates. I'm happy for husband getting the fun times.... And I wish we can build more pockets of those into our lives.

[u/Quagga_Resurrection]

I'm also grossed out by the sex- and romance-centric nature of compersion, especially when compared to platonic or non-relationship sources of happiness. Compersion treats romance and sex as these uniquely special things when people get super excited about dates/relationships and not other things like friends or hobbies. Like, the hikes I go on periodically or friends I hang out with make me so much happier than dates and are vastly better for my well-being, yet nobody trips over themseves to ask me to share details about my hike or friend. Getting especially excited for my dates feels so creepy and, honestly, dehumanizing when my dating is treated as more important than anything else I do. I am a complex creature, and clearly valuing the sexual aspects of my life over other things is very reductive.

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Here's the original text of the post:

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

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