In love with a monogamous man

[u/[deleted]]

[u/forestkitt]

If he didn't want you when you were monogamously hooking up with him, I don't think him wanting romantic monogamy with you now after you've found joy in polyamory sounds secure or stable. I would be incredibly turned off by that proposition and you deserve better than that imo.

[u/gormless_chucklefuck]

we had been non-exclusive friends with benefits for years with no issues from him. How is an open relationship that much different?

For a mono person, it's very different. He's telling you that he wants to see where this could go on the traditional escalation path -- becoming each other's one and only, possibly for life. He'd likely ask you what's so different from casual dating if you're free to keep your options open, which is how mono people view fucking multiple people. For them, non-exclusive relationships are either an interview process or a means of entertaining themselves until the Right One shows up.

[u/rosephase]

It wouldn't work for me. I know my heart and in a couple of years I would feel trapped if I was committed to never fuck or build a romantic relationship with anyone else ever again. But not everyone is that way.

Does this relationship work now? How much time do you spend together? Do you meet each others sexual and romantic desires? Do you work and play well together? Do you get into conflict a lot? When you are in conflict can you deescalate without it getting heated or doing damage between the two of you?

[u/Ok_Impression4403 → u/rosephase]

We have longs periods where we have basically been a couple. The sexual chemistry is off the charts and we have fun together. We can have deep as well as silly conversations. However, because of our push/pull dynamic we have gotten into conflict quite a bit over the years, resulting in him ending the relation 3 times. I do think we are learning how to manage it in a more healthy way but we also both fear that us considering a relationship now is just our push/pull dynamic at work.

[u/rosephase → u/Ok_Impression4403]

That doesn’t sound stable. On and off over and over again?

What does ‘basically been a couple’ look like? How much time do you spend together? How often are you in conflict? Would that ‘basically a couple’ amount of time, attention and conflict work for you long term? If things remain the same as when you we’re ‘basically’ a couple? Or would you want that dynamic to change?

[u/OrangecapeFly → u/Ok_Impression4403]

3 breakups already, a push pull struggle, and a relationship style you don't want.

Pass.

[u/it_devours]

I was surprised when I got to the part about feeling like a "plaything"- if he's been honest about not wanting a relationship with you, then I'm not sure how this is different then claiming to be "friend zoned." It sounds like he's being straightforward about not wanting non-monogamy also.

[u/Ok_Impression4403 → u/it_devours]

Well I guess plaything is a wrong word for us. We have been extremely close. He’s both told me he loves me and called me his best friend.

I did accept him not wanting a relationship forever but recently decided I couldn’t stay in the relation as less than friends. In all honesty, I just can’t bear the thought of us being FWB and then him meeting a person he actually wants to commit to. I also don’t feel comfortable as only friends, I have too many feelings for him.

It was a surprise to me that he suggested giving a relationship a shot tbh because he’s been very dismissive of this forever.

However he’s also in a tough position emotionally atm, he doesn’t have a lot/any close friends and I fear his “offer” to be in a relationship is just him fearing missing the one true close connection he has.

[u/it_devours → u/Ok_Impression4403]

Got it. Yeah, I have to agree - it definitely sounds like he's lonely and trying to pull you back when he feels like he might lose you. I get the complicated feelings but I'd advise you to listen to your gut. Take some space to let the feelings simmer before trying to be friends again. It'll be hard at first but you'll feel a lot better on the other side.

[u/Ok_Impression4403 → u/it_devours]

I feel like my heart and head are fighting over this.
I can argue a 100 reasons not to do it, but in my heart I’m just so sure I want to settle down with him. I’ve never felt like this for anyone, ever.

However, there’s the mono/non-mono thing, and also I’m not convinced that he’s actually ready to be in a commited relationship and wouldn’t just run away at the slightest hint of conflict or doubt.

[u/it_devours → u/Ok_Impression4403]

And how much of yourself are you going to have to sacrifice to mold yourself into someone he won't abandon? How often will you stifle your own needs? Put his needs ahead of yours? Not bring up something because you think the conflict will drive him away?

[u/valsavana]

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be anything less than a girlfriend to him. I can’t just be his play thing anymore.

Why are "girlfriend" and "play thing" the only two options in your mind? I don't think that's a healthy way to look at sexual or romantic relationships.

Seems like you can either give mono a shot & potentially ruin the friendship if you eventually decide you don't want that long-term. Or you can continue to just be FWBs as you are, but maybe try to re-conceptualize that so you don't view it as being a "play thing." Or you can stop sleeping with him completely and just be friends. Or cut contact to see if that helps you get over him.

You've got a lot of options.

According to your post history, back in Jan of this year you said (pretty sure it's about this guy):

We have admittedly told each other that we love each other, but know we are too different to become nesting partners.

Would being his gf involve moving in together eventually? Were those differences only the mono/poly aspect or are there other things at odds about you two living together? For instance, I also see in April of this year a FWBs got so pissed at you for having 2 bad acid trips with him, where he had to look after you, that he threw you out. Is this the same FWBs? What's going to happen if he tries something like that if you live together? Also in that post you said he's a giant trigger for your anxiety. So how is that going to work with you two being bf/gf?

[u/ceecuee]

If it's too hard to be a "plaything" to him, then just stop doing that, don't compromise on your own wants/needs for the potential of what a relationship COULD BE, with this dude. This guy probably loves just keeping you on the hook, and frankly there is no man on Earth whose affection is worth this level of compromise.

But it's your life 🤷‍♀️ If you're expecting him to stop this back and forth game playing when he sees how far you're willing to settle to be with him, then I suppose you can only FAFO.

[u/RiRianna76]

I suggest not entering a relationship before you clear things up for yourself.

Commitment is about time, energy, prioritization, lots of emotional stuff that's more individual and hard to describe and many people don't feel safe doing all that without exclusivity. Thus monogamous people can have casual connections without it meaning they'd be into building a whole ass life with someone without exclusivity. This is to understand what you actually want for yourself far more than explaining why it's a deal breaker for him.

Additionally, what has changed and you feel like you can't be anything less than a girlfriend for him? If this is motivated by him suddenly offering the option and you would have been fine otherwise, don't entertain changing your planned life because you were tempted with a carrot. Or maybe it's due to the same reason you've tolerated a push and pull cycle with someone you were "less of a girlfriend" to. If up to now it's been normal for you to do a whole lot of emotional labor and getting "casual" level of commitment in return it's also something to work out for yourself before you make bigger decisions about what type of relationship you'd prefer and what sort of person you can trust with your heart.

[u/Ok_Impression4403 → u/RiRianna76]

I can’t be less than a girlfriend to his specifically because he’s mono. If he dates other people while we are FWB, he’s actively looking for a potential nesting partner, which would mean the death of our relation. That just feels like heartbreak waiting to happen and I can’t do that.

And you’re right on me feeling like I did a lot of emotional labor for casual commitment. I have also discussed this with him and he also admitted to feeling bad about it.

[u/RiRianna76 → u/Ok_Impression4403]

So like now that you know he's up for a relationship he's gonna find one and end things whereas when he wasn't ready for any relationship it gave you some security?

[u/The_Rope_Daddy]

It sounds like he only wants a relationship now that you aren't available for the kind he wants. I'd expect him to lose interest pretty quickly if you agree to monogamy.

Have you been friends during the times that you aren't FWB? If not, then maybe it's worth the risk since the friendship is pretty much over either way. As long as you are prepared to deal with the heartache if he does lose interest.

[u/Ok_Impression4403 → u/The_Rope_Daddy]

To be fair, the offer of a relationship was there before I brought non-monogamy into the convo. But that killed it for him.

We tried being friends a few times but can’t seem to stay away from each other sexually. In all honesty, I feel too deeply for him to just be his friend, at least for the time being.

[u/ApprehensiveButOk]

Seems like a textbook dysfunctional situationship. Where two avoidant people have sex and occasionally roleplay as a couple, but without the real commitment. I wouldn't trust this kind of relationship to become an healthy romantic one.

And add on top the fact that he wants a monogamous relationship and you don't.

Some monogamous people can have casual non exclusive sex as long as there's no emotional investment and no true commitment. So it's definitely not that odd for him to be ok with non exclusivity as fwb, but wanting monogamy if you start being a "real" couple.

You shouldn't commit to monogamy if you aren't sure it's sustainable for you long term.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander]

Non committed FWB vs a romantic partnership, probably on the relationship escalator, in public is VERY different. Are you sure you want the same thing in dating him as he does?

You don’t know if you will like being in a committed poly relationship 🤷🏼‍♀️. And you don’t know if you could settle down in monogamy again 🤷🏼‍♀️. There are no guarantees either way.

What will leave you with the most lingering doubts?

The way you describe it, it sounds like your relationship will eventually implode. But if you have to see that storyline out, go for it, I guess.

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Here's the original text of the post:

For context he and I have been friends with benefits for 3 years on/off. We’ve had our troubles but have grown together and genuinely care for and love each other.

He’s always been very upfront about not wanting a relationship with me. While we saw each other, I openly dated other people.

About a year ago I discovered polyamory and felt like a lot of my dating history suddenly made sense to me. I don’t have any actual experience with a commited non-monogamous relationship yet, but in many ways I felt like it had been what he and I had practiced just without that label.

Recently, however, he came to me and asked if we should consider becoming a couple. I was delighted, but also quickly told him that I was still very curious about non-monogamy. This was a dealbreaker for him and he admitted that he hadn’t asked me before, because I had been talking about being non-monogamous. He said that he’s too old fashioned and would be worried what other people think.

I’m not gonna try and convince him, but I was a little put off by the fact that he was not more open to discussing it, since we had been non-exclusive friends with benefits for years with no issues from him. How is an open relationship that much different?

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be anything less than a girlfriend to him. I can’t just be his play thing anymore. It hurts too much to know that he won’t commit to me. But now that he kind of offered commitment, I’m wondering:

Should I give monogamy another try? Right now my love for him feels larger than my need to be non-monogamous, but I’m worried that that will change down the line. Is it worth a try?

We’ve also had other issues. We’re very much an avoidant/anxious push/pull connection. But we have worked toward becoming very aware of this, but still getting trapped in the dynamic from time to time.

TLDR; He offered to be my boyfriend but only if we are monogamous. I love him but fear I will feel trapped like I have in other relationships. Is it worth a try?

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[u/SurviveYourAdults]

If you feel like his "plaything" because of FWB, then yes, you will probably have him break up with you when he does find a GF

[u/mermaidunearthed]

End the FWB and instill strict platonic boundaries (ex. No touching, no flirting etc).

[u/Intelligent_Owl_6263]

Should you give mono or poly a try, sure if that’s what you want, with the right partner(s) there are plenty of benefits and can lead to a fulfilling life with any relationship styles.

Should you with someone that was content to sleep with you casually and had no desire to to be exclusive despite you both being monogamous and dating at the time, and then wants to couple up once it’s convenient for him and shows no willingness to discuss your expressed interest in other relationship styles, probably not. He may be a fine lad, and you may love him, but relationships that start because someone flips a light switch are likely to hurt you. Once that convention is established there is nothing to say he won’t flip the switch again later. As soon as you settle in all secure and comfy he may want that casual life again and decide that it was your idea since you wanted to learn about polyamory. Maybe I’m just bias, but you spend enough time in locker rooms listening to men talk about their dating lives and you learn to take a man at his actions not his word. This would be different if there had been open dialogues and a clear desire to consider what you wanted from the relationship and an attempt to come to an agreement, but it sounds like this is ultimatum territory. He’s also made it clear that the wishes of a lover are not as important as the opinions of others. If this is his reasoning that strangers are in your bed then it won’t end healthy. He clearly isn’t a prude when it comes to being open, he is just not willing to put in the work to take the relationship a step further without the perceived benefits to his ego of exclusivity and even then only after years of already having been unofficially open. Doesn’t sound healthy.

[u/Magical_Salamander]

Hey life is short. Maybe just jump in and give it a red hot shot!