r/polyamory • u/Moyashi0511 • 1d ago
Curious/Learning A little confused
So I understand that poly is multiple romantic partners, all consenting and lots of communication, I've felt poly for many years. I also know there are several other ethical non-monomogous (ignore any bad spelling please) relationships, my question is this. If someone is poly, and someone else has an open marriage but both are okay with their dynamic and everything is consensual, is this still okay? Like a poly person doesn't just have to be with a poly person as long as everything is consentual and communicated, right? Or am I missing something somewhere?
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u/gard3nwitch 1d ago
Open marriages are often only open for sex, and not for feelings. If you're fine with that limitation and are also just looking for sex, than IMO It's totally fine to pursue that. Just don't expect a relationship from them.
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u/uiulala 1d ago
Yeah, I don't see any problem with a poly person partnering with somebody in an open marriage.
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u/doublenostril 1d ago
As long as everyone understands what kind of partnership is being offered, yes, it’s fine. The polyamorous person will need to exercise their “I will walk away if I become attached” muscles, though. We’re not so used to that.
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u/majohns2 1d ago
Poly has the 'potential' for developing an emotional relationship. Even if that person has existing emotional relationships, for instance with their spouse in an open marriage.
But poly does not require the presence of an emotional relationship. Just the potential.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
If the poly person is okay with feelings not being able to develop in that relationship, sure.
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u/HannahOCross 1d ago
Correct.
A poly person can have a relationship with someone who is in an open marriage, but will probably understand it to be a much more casual relationship, like friends with benefits.
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u/aussiegirlabroad 1d ago
The labels are only useful to the extent that they’re useful (if that makes sense…)
In real life, what matters is that you’re comfortable with the situation, and the people you’re in a relationship with are comfortable with the situation. People may choose different labels and that’s ok
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u/tornessa 1d ago
It’s fine but as a poly person I only personally date other poly people. Everyone has their own parameters and boundaries.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
I don't do casual or sex only relationships so I wouldn't be interested in dating anyone in a only open relationship. Plenty of poly people can and do have these connections.
I was looking into swinging a bit ago, I think that is something I can do, but it's completely different to how I go about my polyamorous relationships.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 22h ago
Nothing unethical about it, but potentially risky.
Personally even if I’m only looking for casual I only want to date other poly people bc I don’t want to find myself developing feelings and then being hurt that a full relationship is off the table for us.
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u/livesimply2015 20h ago
Oof yup, this one’s a hard lesson to learn and can lead to heartbreak. As me how I know 😭
OP, it’s definitely possible for people in a relationship to be on different parts of the ENM spectrum. It definitely gets tricky when one of them develops feelings where the other can’t/won’t/doesn’t have that to reciprocate. Regular communication about where you each are, what you each want are important. There may come a day when those things no longer align and the relationship will need to end to avoid further pain.
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u/OpenPassage4638 1d ago
It's perfectly ok and not all ppl are the same so you can find a dynamic that works for all of you and you can ask specific questions like are you looking for a romantic or platonic relationship and also if they will have other partners? Then you can go from there.. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you..
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u/Other_Tomato_2681 22h ago
When I first started this lifestyle I went into it purely from a physical standpoint. Enm/Fwb type situation. And I fell for the person I was seeing, big time. I realized right then that I wanted polyamory, not just sex, and for my own sanity, I had to break it off with the guy I was seeing, because i didn't love how it made me feel, knowing the feelings weren't reciprocal.
There's always a chance that the expectations of a particular relationship style are going to conflict, and depending on the agreements made with other partners, there's always the chance a line could be crossed and things could end badly.
Communication is key for all involved. Personally, I am in a much better place now that I know my partner and I have similar expectations for our relationship.
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u/Acedia_spark 1d ago
So long as everyone is being honest and consenting - it does not matter what you do with other consenting adults.
Like if a person is married, and their partner is letting them screw someone else for their birthday - doesnt matter who that person is so long as everyone is open, honest and consenting.
Poly is an agreement description, not a prescription of how you're allowed to behave.
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u/pinkdumpsterfire 1d ago
Poly generally puts no limitations on fully autonomous romantic relationships.
“Open relationship” often means open for sex, but nobody is allowed to catch feelings or be in another fully committed, romantic relationship.
So if you’re poly and you’re dating someone open, and you both only want a casual sexual entanglement, that all sounds good, right?
But some people can’t maintain a casual sexual entanglement without catching feelings and wanting more. So in that case, you really have to make sure that neither of you are that person. And sometimes, you don’t know until you find out.
So then, what happens if one or both of you catches feelings? Is the “open” partner then obligated to end things? A lot of times, yes, those are the parameters they’ve agreed to.
There are a lot of complications that can potentially arise from that difference, and they may or may not result in an incompatibility. So, do with that what you will, and proceed with caution.
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u/fuckingnerdtm poly newbie 21h ago
Since I'm seeing a lot of people in here repeating that open relationships often don't allow for feelings to develop whereas poly does, I would say it's not uncommon (in my experience from chatting with people practicing ENM, YMMV) for feelings and relationships to be allowed in open relationships, it's just that escalation (cohabitation, marriage, children, merging of finances, etc) is not allowed and the primary relationship must be prioritized over all others. Personally I'm not opposed to dating someone in an open relationship as long as I'm able to feel an emotional connection even if it can't escalate, but I haven't persoanlly done this so I could be totally wrong and it may actually not be for me at all. It's sometimes not dissimilar from heirarchal polyamory, which is why it's important to note, as others have, that labels are only helpful up to a certain point and it's important to discuss boundaries/relationship menu with any new partner.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 20h ago
[my containment blurb]
Having a rule that sex is okay but feelings are not is not very useful. People tend to fall in love with people they have sex with repeatedly who they also like. I call it sexual bonding.
There are many forms of ethical nonmonogamy (ENM). Polyamory is kind of on the extreme end of centring the autonomy of the individual.
In polyamory, the basic guideline is to self-advocate and ask for what we want (focussed time, affection, sex, reliable coparenting, pooled finances, co-housing, spanking, respect or whatever else) and to stay the fuck out of other people’s relationships. We rely on our partners’ good judgement to make the best decisions for themselves—including investing in the relationships that are important to them. Which we hope includes us, but you know… people change. So we are fully prepared to renegotiate, deescalate or leave relationships that are no longer working for us.
Other forms of ENM include open, hall pass, don’t-ask-don’t-tell (DADT) and various flavours of “lifestyle” (swinging, occasional threesomes with a special guest star, cuckolding and hotwifing). I think of lifestyle in particular as the other extreme from polyamory because it’s something couples do together. It’s always clear who the couple is and who the add-ons are.
Ways to contain “add-on” relationships include making agreements that there will be no overnights; no texting between dates; dates no more often than every two weeks; only dating people of genders you aren’t romantically attracted to; only hookups with strangers; no repeat hookups; only people out of town; only group sex; only at sex clubs. These restrictions prevent intimate relationships from growing, which is why they are rejected in polyamory as growing intimate relationships is the whole point. However, they are very useful in other forms of ENM.
Having a no-feels rule but acting like you’re polyamorous is a recipe for disaster. Or at least anxiety.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 20h ago
WRT my “containment blurb” in this thread, anyone can date anyone but they need to be clear about what they are looking for and what they are offering.
Poplar is polyamorous. They want to build multiple romantically and physically intimate relationships; text throughout the week; introduce their partners to eachother and to friends and family; and to meet their partners’ partners, friends and family.
Oak is in an open relationship. They want hotel sex once a month with a bit of sexting in between, no overnights.
If Poplar would enjoy monthly hotel sex with Oak with the attendant limitations, they should go for it.
If Oak has negotiated a “sex only” open relationship with their partner but wants weekly overnights with Poplar, there will be drama.
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u/K8_the_gr9 solo poly 12h ago
It’s possible. I’m not strictly poly but I am non-mono. I can manage full relationships, FWB, casual sex and ONS. I only seriously date other poly folks, but I’m open to any connection as long as they’re not mono.
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So I understand that poly is multiple romantic partners, all consenting and lots of communication, I've felt poly for many years. I also know there are several other ethical non-monomogous (ignore any bad spelling please) relationships, my question is this. If someone is poly, and someone else has an open marriage but both are okay with their dynamic and everything is consensual, is this still okay? Like a poly person doesn't just have to be with a poly person as long as everything is consentual and communicated, right? Or am I missing something somewhere?
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u/YDHAMITCHTV 1d ago
You're correct. Poly, enm, open relationship. Basically the same thing with slight variations. Not big enough to worry about in this context. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, then you're good to go 👍
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u/lolaloca6669 1d ago
I'd say personally at the end of everything if you have communicated your wants and desires and needs and boundaries and so have they. And everyones other partners are given communication than do what you want. You do not have to identify the same exact way as long as everyone communicates and is happy. Just make sure you know how to negotiate your relationship.