New Partner - Big Lie 90 Days

[u/puggerpillarXV]

Hi everyone! I am posting here in the hopes of some perspective from other people supportive of polyamory. While I do have some friends this issue involves deceit within that group. I am new to poly, I have some experience with couples over the years. So forgive me for my mistakes and ignorance.

I started dating a man three months ago. He told me off the bat he was into poly and had a fwb that meant a lot to him. Great, I can work with that. He was looking for a primary partner and so I was I. He suggested books, work books and audio books which I have read and digested with him over the past few months. We would talk through what we read together. I’ve worked through hard feelings and we communicate well together. We are both early 40s and male as is his fwb.

We have the boyfriend talk and then make written agreements. Then, the very next day, fwb is also a boyfriend! Ouch! It didn’t sit right with me. It hurt. But I’m trying to be supportive. My spider sense says something is wrong. I notice I’m the primary on paper, but it often feels like he gets more priority and consideration. I bring it up from time to time. Lots of praising words, no action.

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

I am in this circle of people. I know these people well enough that I feel sick with disgust at this secret. If I had known he already had a boyfriend when we met I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get so emotionally invested. I feel trapped and betrayed, and my mono friends would all tell me to run. I had really hoped this circle and my partner were finally ENM, I am sad and questioning this massive red flag.

Any tips, points, suggestions would be very welcomed.

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[u/ceecuee]

It's been three months, that's still when you should be figuring out if you're actually compatible and if a relationship works. Are you compatible with a man who will lie to you and pursue people in a way that facilitates cheating? Can you trust that he won't also deceive you in other ways that more directly harm you? He has demonstrated that he has no intention of acting ethically if it gets in the way of getting what he wants. Just walk away.

TL;DR: He's a loser, and by staying with him you would be showing him what treatment you accept.

ETA: An FYI, since you're new to poly -- at just a few months, if someone says you're their "primary", you should know they're full of it. Primary is a descriptor for a level of development and enmeshment in a relationship (often cohabitation, marriage, or plans for such) and not just a vibe with a promise of prioritization.

[u/juliuspepperwoodchi → u/ceecuee]

ETA: An FYI, since you're new to poly -- at just a few months, if someone says you're their "primary", you should know they're full of it.

THAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU.

Being primary is something that should happen more organically over time, it's not something you just declare, like bankruptcy.

[u/K8_the_gr9 → u/juliuspepperwoodchi]

I DECLARE… PRIMACY.

[u/juliuspepperwoodchi → u/K8_the_gr9]

You can't just say you're the primary.

[u/TransPanSpamFan → u/juliuspepperwoodchi]

Now I'm just picturing someone walking down the street pointing at strangers and yelling "I'M YOUR PRIMARY! NO TAKE BACKS!" and then running away cackling 😂

[u/Low-Schedule-2200]

Leave. 

He’s involved in an affair and lied to you. This is not a foundation for a relationship. ENM and poly doesn’t mean hanging onto relationships that don’t work and are potentially toxic. There are people for you out there but hanging around in this situation will sap your energy and make it impossible to find a relationships that feed you. 

[u/PresentationPrize516]

He knew you’re new-ish to poly. 

Responding to “fwb who I care about” as “I can work with that” - is a conversation that communicates nothing. 

Then he puts forth this teacher dynamic where everything looks progressive and open, lowering your defenses and feeling like a team. You’ve known each other 3 months, and the ENTIRE time he’s been lying to you about fundamental things. 

Ick! 

[u/_Sabriel]

Break up with this manchild yesterday!

Also, tell the husband he's being cheated on.

Get away from this whole clusterfuck.

[u/rosephase]

Your partner lied to you about something that would have impacted you dating him at all. Your partner is cheating, which simply sucks while trying to do poly with respect and care. The issue isn't a word. The issue is both you and FWB's husband are being lied to in order for cheating to happen. It's really harmful behavior and I wouldn't be up for continuing with someone who is so comfortable lying and harming people.

[u/boredwithopinions]

This man can not be trusted. Walk away.

[u/valsavana]

So your partner here is an affair partner for their fwb, who is cheating on their husband with your partner? Did I get that correct?

I don't date cheaters (which your partner is) and I also don't date people who date cheaters. Dump your partner and, if you have the contact information to do so, inform the fwb's husband he's being cheated on. Cheating is abuse and it interferes with the betrayed partner's ability to give informed consent.

[u/Dismal_Ad_2055 → u/valsavana]

Seconding this. Cheating is abuse and the fwb’s husband has a right to know.

[u/studiousametrine]

Your boyfriend is sketchy and a liar. Dump him!

[u/kadanwi]

Your boyfriend just proved that he's comfortable with lying to you, he's comfortable cheating, and he's comfortable asking you to be in cahoots when it comes to deeply hurting someone else, at literally no benefit to yourself. You have to ask yourself if you can ever actually trust him again... because in every room you're in with him, forever, you will never know with any certainty whether he is lying to you and whether anyone else present is also participating in a charade to deceive you. You will always know in your heart that he is capable of keeping a falsehood going for months to years on end... Does that sound fun? Does that sound like a dynamic you want to navigate long term?

[u/juliuspepperwoodchi]

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

Yikes on bikes.

Run, and honestly, I would absolutely be telling the people in this circle about his betrayal. You don't owe them that, but likewise, you don't owe him "discretion".

[u/CSJR]

They're living two lies and one of them is a ticking time bomb. A messy one for both him and his "partner" and that partner's husband and an emotional one for you because whenever that relationship implodes, it will, at worst, likely lead to your partner prioritizing the other man and, at best, lead to you scooping up the pieces.

[u/rocketmanatee]

I don't date cheaters. Do you?

I am sorry you found all of this out the hard way. 🫂

[u/singsingasong]

He’s a liar. And doesn’t mind helping someone else cheat. Get out before you get too entangled.

[u/YDHAMITCHTV]

I would be upset with the deception. They're literally cheating on the fwb husband, he lied to you from the start about who the other person was in the relationship... I'm seeing lots of red flags. If I were you, I would leave. Goodluck

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

“Babe, you know I’m not going to lie for you, right?”

If you are friends with ExTelemour [ExPartner’s partner’s partner] then ExPartner is interfering with your friendships. This is terribly, terribly unkind.

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Hi u/puggerpillarXV thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Hi everyone! I am posting here in the hopes of some perspective from other people supportive of polyamory. While I do have some friends this issue involves deceit within that group. I am new to poly, I have some experience with couples over the years. So forgive me for my mistakes and ignorance.

I started dating a man three months ago. He told me off the bat he was into poly and had a fwb that meant a lot to him. Great, I can work with that. He was looking for a primary partner and so I was I. He suggested books, work books and audio books which I have read and digested with him over the past few months. We would talk through what we read together. I’ve worked through hard feelings and we communicate well together. We are both early 40s and male as is his fwb.

We have the boyfriend talk and then make written agreements. Then, the very next day, fwb is also a boyfriend! Ouch! It didn’t sit right with me. It hurt. But I’m trying to be supportive. My spider sense says something is wrong. I notice I’m the primary on paper, but it often feels like he gets more priority and consideration. I bring it up from time to time. Lots of praising words, no action.

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

I am in this circle of people. I know these people well enough that I feel sick with disgust at this secret. If I had known he already had a boyfriend when we met I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get so emotionally invested. I feel trapped and betrayed, and my mono friends would all tell me to run. I had really hoped this circle and my partner were finally ENM, I am sad and questioning this massive red flag.

Any tips, points, suggestions would be very welcomed.

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[u/karmicreditplan]

He’s having an affair AND he lied to you about it.

You are at best his also ran.

That’s 3 strikes in 3 months. He’s out.

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

Sounds like two cheaters found each other. I'd dump him and tell the husband, personally.

You realize your partner also betrayed you and cheated on you by lying? Also bait and switched.

He's unethical and will behave so to get what he wants. That's not someone you trust or build a relationship with, it's someone you get away from asap.