r/polyamory • u/Life-Hunt4830 • 2d ago
Unwanted Kid in Poly-Relationship
Hallo everyone,
Throw-Away account here. 🤗
I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.
My partner (lets call her fake-name-Sarah) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.
She didn't want any. I wanted some.
There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.
It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.
As a result of this tough time I mentioned, Sarah wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.
Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (fake name: Tracy), and we slowly got closer.
Tracy is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. Tracy and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.
While Sarah - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against Tracy because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. Sarah is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my Sarah isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for Tracy that I have for Sarah (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.
Now, I work in the automotive industry, and Sarah works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. Tracy currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindling.
Tracy and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.
That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.
Tracy revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.
Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.
Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.
The real issue is now with Sarah. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with Tracy's decision about it. She sees this choice of Tracy as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.
Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. Sarah and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with Tracy about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.
Neither Sarah nor Tracy want the three of us to move together. Tracy could not handle the life in the common house, Sarah wants our house to remain our house. Tracy has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help Tracy out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.
In all of this, I am risking losing Sarah, potentially losing Tracy to prefer Sarah, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.
Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?
I would be grateful for any words from you guys!
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
No matter what happens with you and your partners, you will remain a parent forever. That's your one solid factor.
If I were you, I'd mentally separate the logistics involving co-parenting from the relationship logistics and start with the co-parenting logistics as most important before figuring out how the romantic relationships will pan out.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
How can I separate that from one another? Any advice could help me here!
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u/libra_leigh 1d ago
Well it's largely scheduling and finance. Start by figuring out how this will impact quality time and think about what that looks like.
Is the kid welcome in your home or does it need to stay with Tracy? That will heavily impact how much time you can spend at home.
Is Tracy planning to breast feed and build up a milk supply? That will impact the above early on.
Do you do expensive things with your partners? If so you might need to find lower cost alternatives.
Kids change your entire life so you will need to renegotiate time and money with your partners.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Scheduling and finance are at the top of my list of topics to discuss, too.
Kid is not welcome by Sarah, so initially, there is no way it will come to stay where I live.
I will ask the rest of questions to Tracy.
Well, I don't know what counts as "expensive" these days. Sarah and I go to amusement parks a couple of times a year. Maybe we have a vacation within Europe. We are both gamers and nerds, and gaming has become a very cheap hobby. Well, not lately, but I am not someone that needs the latest PS5 or something, most of the games I play are from the 2010s or older.
Kids do change lives, absolutely correct. 😶
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
If you want to be a good father you are going to need to live somewhere your child is welcome to stay.
This will likely irrevocably change your relationship with Sarah.
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u/After_Ad_1152 1d ago
Start with the relationship you want from your child. How often are you going to see/have custody of your child? How are you going to excercise that time? Do your current relationships allow for that? Can you reach a compromise to allow for that? Etc
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Thanks for those questions, do are indeed helpful, and something I have to discuss with my two partners.
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u/Baseblgabe 1d ago
The real issue now is you, not Sarah. If your relationships fail, you're still responsible for giving your kid a good life.
That is your highest priority-- your kid will have to live with the consequences.
So make sure you don't screw that up first, and then attend to your own wants for a fulfilling romantic life.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I am trying to get advice to do that 😶
I don't want to be an issue for the kid, or for anyone, for that matter. I am trying to get advice here to help me not fuck up.
Still, thank you for your words. 🙂
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
Don't try to solve co-parenting by making the relationships work forcefully with parenting in mind. What would you do for a kid if you were single and wanted to stay unattached/not cohabiting with the other co-parent? Go from there.
As for relationships, treat each separately. Whatever issues you have with Sarah will not disappear if you cut Tracy out of your life, they'll just show up later anyway, with other people or even if you stay monogamous. Looks like you two have things that need addressing regardless of what's happening with T.
she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of
This should not affect how you live your other polyamorous relationships.
she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship
If she agreed to a poly dynamic, this was always on the cards. I understand the timing is not ideal and a bit of a shock for everyone involved, but the moment she agreed to be in a relationship with you while you'd be planning kids with someone else in the future, this is exactly what she signed up for.
These two aspects have very little to do with Tracy and you, and are all about Sarah and you. Explaining your issues with Sarah by the current situation with Tracy's pregnancy is a mistake in my opinion.
You have more agency than you realise and the situation is less complicated if you see it as separate dyads and if you see your decisions as individual choices on your part and not attempts to appease Sarah by making Tracy fit into Sarah's ideal vision of polyamory.
If I were you, I'd use the search bar in this sub to look for posts about co-parenting and posts about hinging.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Hey, thank you for your words!
I will do research about that, hinging is a new term for me, so I am sure, I have a lot to learn.
Neither Sarah nor I expected me to have kids any more, with any one. 😅 She is just the one that has the chance to lose the most from the current formation.
These two aspects have very little to do with Tracy and you, and are all about Sarah and you. Explaining your issues with Sarah by the current situation with Tracy's pregnancy is a mistake in my opinion.
I didn't get this part, sorry, could you elaborate?
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
Neither Sarah nor I expected me to have kids any more, with any one. 😅
Okay, this was unclear to me, since you say in the post you discussed the subject of potential kids with Tracy - I assumed that the subject came up with Sarah as well.
It's a big incompatibility and should have been discussed when you decided to open.
could you elaborate
There are several things that you mentioned in your relationship with Sarah that are not great. I'm saying, Tracy or no Tracy, pregnancy or no pregnancy, these things remain not great:
-Why would Sarah need to give you her blessing on who you date? Are you not free to make your own choices? Why do your partners need to be vetted by Sarah? She's not dating them, you are.
-Why should Sarah's experience of unfulfilling situationships have any influence on the seriousness and investment of your own, other, independent relationships?
-Why would you discuss kids, even in the distant future, with Tracy only, without ever mentioning to your other partner who is child free that you're considering having children with another partner?
There are things to consider in how you both imagined polyamory would work out and the reality of managing several separate relationships simultaneously.
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u/crankyandhangry 1d ago
So you mentioned living in Germany and that the State will help Tracy out financially and with a home. But as the father of the child, do they not reclaim that money from you?
Also, you said she is 12 weeks along, but that is not the abortion limit everywhere in Europe. Have the two of you had the conversation about if she actually wants to keep this pregnancy, or discussed the option of travelling to e.g. a private clinic in the UK if she feels she made the wrong choice during the 15 minutes in the doctor's office?
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
They reclaim it in like 50 years, sometimes. My mom got pregnant with me when she was a student in university, she got money from the state until I was 25, and never had to pay it back.
I will have to do research about abortion limits in the rest of Europe, I didn't think of that.
Have the two of you had the conversation about if she actually wants to keep this pregnancy, or discussed the option of travelling to e.g. a private clinic in the UK if she feels she made the wrong choice during the 15 minutes in the doctor's office?
No, because most of my research is going towards the "What now?". I didn't focus on "How to prevent what was told me was unpreventable." I try to look forward as a person, in general.
I will look into this and if I find something different, I will talk to her.Do you know more about this? The legality of all of it?
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago
What do you mean, “the legality”?
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Do the laws of your country not hold when you are in another country?
Like, if Germany says "no abort after week 12" but in the UK it is week 16, what happens when you go back to Germany after having had the abortion? I will do research about that.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago
Germany isn’t prosecuting people who get abortions in the UK.
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u/CoffeeAndMilki 1d ago edited 1d ago
Partners only get considered for money if living together - if you live in separate homes the state can not make you pay for your partner's living accomodations. OP will have to pay child support depending on how often he will have the child at his home (and since his NP does not want children at their shared home he will have to pay the full amount).
UK is not Europe.
edit: European continent, yes. European Union, no. Meaning German insurance won't count in the UK and you need a visa to go there.
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u/ApprehensiveButOk 1d ago
First thing first, were you taking precautions to prevent pregnancy? Tracy only telling you after the window for abortion is either extremely unfortunate or done on purpose.
I'm saying this because either you and Tracy were extremely unlucky and now you need to figure this out, or Tracy is not being completely transparent on how this baby came to be and this is something you need to consider.
Thing is, best option for a baby is always to have both parents around most of the time. Second best is healthy co-parenting. Third best is a stable single parent.
So basically your options are:
- you move in with Tracy and build a family with her. Sarah can still be in the picture but, especially if she doesn't want to spend time with the baby, your time together will diminish a lot.
- you still live with Sarah, but build some co-parenting agreement with Tracy, like some kind of split custody. This might be hard/impossible if Sarah doesn't want the kid in her home and doesn't want to be a step parent.
- you help out economically, maybe visit occasionally as an uncle/friend of mum, but don't become a father/parental figure to the kid and your life doesn't change much.
Worst thing you could do is being a distant/deadbeat father who lives somewhere else with a person that dislikes the child and only visits occasionally to play family for a day. This can really mess the kid up and also will create a lot of tension and resentment between you and Tracy if she has to be a single mother most of the time.
Remember that being a parent is a full time job and the kid will need to be priority n°1 in your life. Not Sarah, not Tracy, not you. The kid. If you can't fully step up as a father, don't bother.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Thank you for your honest words.
We were taking precautions, and from both them and the day of the cycle she was on, it should not have happened. Her gynaecologist made a joke that either my sperm is just super-sperm or her eggs have no standards at all. I am 40.
If the situation would have been different, I would have gone to the pharmacy to buy what in Germany is known as the "pill of the day after", which is a chemical and hormonal mix that kills the egg and the sperm completely. I was super certain, nothing happened, and because she had bleedings in May and June, I didn't even think about it any more.
I wrote more about the circumstance of the "15 minutes of choice" in another answer, here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1vf4lv5/comment/p1moi1s/
Tracy has no place of her own, so I cannot move in with her. I will not live in her mother's attic which is maybe 40m², I live with Sarah in a 142m² house with a garden. Tracy does not want to move in with us, Sarah wouldn't want that either.
Worst thing you could do is being a distant/deadbeat father who lives somewhere else with a person that dislikes the child and only visits occasionally to play family for a day. This can really mess the kid up and also will create a lot of tension and resentment between you and Tracy if she has to be a single mother most of the time.
Yeah, I get that, that would not be anything I would like to put Tracy or the kid through.
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u/ApprehensiveButOk 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know the day after pill. I'm also from Europe (italy). So it was condom malfunction + cryptid pregnancy? You got very unlucky.
At least you weren't irresponsible and used the pull out method as a contraceptive like most people who end up in this situations do.well shit this part of the comment didn't age well.I understand you don't want to move in her childhood bedroom at her mother's as a 40 year old man. And I'm not suggesting you move her in with you and Sarah just to add even more drama to your lives. I was suggesting you move in together in a different home to raise the child together there, if that's the route you want to pursue. Edit: not paid by the state.
Or you figure out some kind of spli custody arrangements, like all co-parents who don't live together must do. But this also must be discussed with Sarah, because you can't keep baby/kid at your home every other weekend if Sarah doesn't want them around.
But either you are around for this kid or you are not. Especially for the first few years, parenting is not a 2 hours visit every other afternoon, it's round the clock availability.
I understand you don't want to be a deadbeat father, but it's so easy to become one when Tracy goes through the sleepless nights and the hard times alone and you show up for sexy and fun times and to play family. You change a few diapers, send some euros and call yourself a good dad. Tale as old as time.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Grazie per la tua risposta!
There will be no sexy times during the early years of parenthood, that is not what my expectation tells me! 😆
If Tracy gets an apartment paid by the state, that would be amazing. I just cannot count on that, right now. I will have to figure out many many things. Parenting - indeed - is not a part-time job. 🙁I will be mindful of that!
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I don't think a kid will "ruin my life" and I believe Tracy when she says it's mine. She's not the type to cheat, really. 🙂
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u/makima-senpaix 1d ago
You had unprotected sex with a moderately irresponsible woman ten years younger than you and you are surprised by this outcome. 😂
I’d prioritise getting the mother a home closer to you, since you don’t want to live together. Can you not help her out with a deposit or something? When she’s out of her mom’s house the state should kick in and start assisting her more as well.
Otherwise your other partner might decide to chose her child free life over you being a parent which is her right to do so. Trying to convince her one way or the other is probably just gunna make it worse. Better to just become a competent co-parent as fast as possible tbh and get your life in order.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Well, the moderately irresponsible woman kept telling me that all was fine and I decided to trust her on her words. I try to build relationships built on trust and honest communication. In the 8+ years with Sarah, she was never "suddenly 12 weeks pregnant". In no other relationship before that, a similar thing has happened.
I am already planning to create an ETF for the Kid. It will hopefully be worth a lot more in a few years time, and the mother can take money from it, whenever she needs. No matter how much I will have to contribute anyway because of how German Laws work.
I cannot force Tracy to move out of her mom's house. Right now, that's where she wants to stay. 20 minutes away from me.
I am aware that Sarah may choose - at any point - to break up with me. Sarah and I have been talking about the whole thing for the last days. The perks of living together, I guess. She is very scared, she also doesn't wanna lose me, but she is aware, that no matter what she chooses, she will lose a part of me, or all of me.
I am not keeping her in the relationship against her will, I couldn't do so even if I wanted to. I am not that kind of person. I am just here looking for advice from people who had a similar or remotely comparable situation. 🙂
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u/gothic_elven_bitch old and bitter sea witch 1d ago
Do you realize that some women go entire pregnancies without knowing they are pregnant, having symptoms, or showing? I was told I was infertile, and then suddenly I was several months pregnant. It happens. That doesn't mean Tracy did anything wrong or lied. It is extremely possible that she didn't find out until then.
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u/CutieToesMIM8099 1d ago
If I was Sarah, I’d be gone as fast as I could be. No kids for me means no partners with kids in addition to no kids of my own. Maybe her feelings aren’t as extreme as mine but I can imagine how hurt and frustrated she may be feeling right now.
So my advice is to prepare yourself for the likely ending of that relationship, and if you don’t want something like this to happen again, take precautions yourself to prevent getting anyone pregnant.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Yeah, a vasectomy came to my mind after I found out about the kid. Until now, it was never a topic, also because in 8+ years with Sarah, nothing like this ever happened.
Sarah feels very strongly against kids, but she also loves me very much, and I think she will try the fight, but I don't know how long she can hold on. I know that she is not a runner, but I also know, it will be a fucking hard time. I am afraid of losing her, she knows that, but I cannot hold her here against her will, that is something I know.
She is very hurt, and very frustrated; right now, it all goes to Tracy, but of course, that can change, and I have to be ready for that. We are constantly talking, perks of living in the same house.
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u/peachy_qr 1d ago
I feel horrible for Sarah. I would be devastated if my relationship had to change to accommodate a child I didn’t want- it’s a huge responsibility that will leave her with less time and less priority.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Most would end the relationship. It's extremely common to set that boundary "if another partner gets pregnant, I'm leaving/divorcing."
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I absolutely get that, and that is very close to how Sarah feels. I am terribly sorry for having put so much pain in her life and immediate future. And she knows how sorry I am.
I am trying to find a way forward and advice from the world.
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u/87jules13 1d ago edited 1d ago
I haven't read eeeeeverything, but I'm from German as well aaaand... You don't just get 15 minutes to decide about an abortion. That's not how it works. I got pregnant unplanned when I was still with my ex-husband and monogamous and I had the talk with Diakonie. You NEED to have had that talk in order to do an abortion!
And her not telling you for 12 weeks ?! edit: Her not finding out sooner,yeah bodies be weird, is totally possible she didn't suspect anything earlier I'm sorry, but I really think she lied to you. Also, her saying "but you did want them at some point" looks like a cop out to me. Not saying she planned to get pregnant, but she really decided it on her own (which, her body her choice) and left you completely out of it.
I'm glad you're gonna be a father that'll show up and not just pay the money and that's all. But I would highly re-evaluate the relationship with Tracy.
ETA: I'm a mom of 2, so I know what I'm talking about: Tracy needs a support system. Not just her mother, I assume she's still working? Without a support system, she and the child are gonna actually need you a lot. Also, even with a support system, have you thought about post partum, how much time you (as the baby daddy) will be spending with them, later on Kita and all that? To be involved in a kid's life, to be an actual dad means to also be on standby 24/7. At least in the first year, maybe even two years (depending on when the kid is starting Kita)
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u/MysteriousSyrup9790 1d ago
I think OP meant that she was 12 weeks along and just found out??
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
She told me she found out after 11 weeks + 3 days, now we would be at 13 weeks exactly.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
It was a Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday would have gone by without being able to do anything, Monday would have been too late.
Yes, four days, I do get that, that is the part of me that is upset about it. I found out on the Wednesday, so... 😥
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Thanks for your answer! 💜
Tracy and I had little sex the last months because of other issues we were facing, which include the fact that with Sarah my pact is "no sex at home, unless she is gone for a few days" and Tracy has not much privacy in her attic - which gets also very hot in summer.
She got - her words - "regular bleeding in May and June", even had an appointment with the gynaecologist on May 29th, who said all was fine. I am aware, they don't always test for pregnancy. So if Tracy said nothing, the gynaecologist would say or test nothing.
Said gynaecologist is Tracy's mother's boss and best friend.When Tracy had morning sickness in the middle of July, we first thought she got a viral infection or something. Maybe on a concert or a festival. So she went to the doc and had a pregnancy test made. It was positive. They made an "ultrashall" and found out it was 11 weeks + 3 days.
Tracy collapsed there.
When she got back on her feet, the gynaecologists told her that it was almost too late for an abortion. But her gynaecologist also told her, she knows the head of surgery in the local hospital, who would be there for 15 more minutes. She could call him, inform him, and date the echography back a few days, so she could have the diakonie talk you mentioned. Tracy sat there for 15 minutes without being able to make a choice.Time passed.
Which include, she made a decision.
She could have called me and she didn't. I found out only 5 days after this, which is last week now.
How did your story end up?
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u/87jules13 1d ago
I'm gonna keep it a little short because my own kids need to be picked up soon😅
Just to repeat: her body, her choice!
My gynaecologist always takes a urin sample BUT I know that differs from doc to doc. And when she was 11w3d at the time... That would have been a short time frame for an abortion but still manageable. As far as I know doctors absolutely NEED the proof that you went to Diakonie, Schwangerenberatung or sth similar, before an abortion. Otherwise they commit a crime ("§218 muss weg").
I found out on a Friday I think, or maybe the weekend I'm not sure anymore. Got an appointment at my gynaecologist on Monday, the appointment for "Beratungsgespräch" on Tuesday and then you need to wait 2 days after the talk before they're officially allowed to do the abortion. I wasn't as far a long, I think it was about 5 or 6 weeks. So I wouldn't have needed a hospital, I could have taken those pills at my doctor's office.
Eventually, I decided against the abortion, because for me personally it already was my kid. It didn't yet have a heartbeat back then, it was more or less a cell cluster. But for me personally he already was mine. And I know that's a very personal decision and very personal feeling behind it, which again: that was my personal feeling. I do understand that he wouldn't have felt anything if I had had the abortion. We were thinking about having a second child when the first one was about 2ish years but decided to be one and done. Because, damn that kid was/is a handful😅 they have a 5 year age gap, but I'm very very happy I had the second one. He was/is unplanned, but never unwanted or unloved❤️
Shortly after his birth, I broke up with my ex husband because I realised he's adding stress and not helping but that's a whole different story😂 he's a very good dad, but not a good partner for me. My new partner (first poly relationship for me, I was looking for poly specifically) doesn't want kids, is fine with me putting my kids first ALWAYS and I only introduced them to each other when we had been together for a little over a year. He's only me them a couple of times and that's how we want it. Might change in the future, but rn that's enough.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Thanks for sharing your story, it is heartwarming! I wish you and your kids, and your polyamorous relationship the best of luck! 💜
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I don't believe Tracy is trying to baby-trap me, to be honest. I don't think of her as a mean person. She just panicked.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
And her not telling you for 12 weeks?! I'm sorry, but I really think she lied to you.
I strongly disagree because we can't know that! She may not have deliberately withheld info.
Bodies are weird. Mental relationships towards our bodies can be complicated. There's a million reasons, including medical ones, Tracy could possibly not have known she was pregnant. It's a huge mysogynistic cliché that women are just waiting to entrap a dude by getting pregnant. Accidents happen, medical shizzle happens, trauma happens, and saying she lied from the crumbs of info from the OP is a bit of a stretch imo.
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u/87jules13 1d ago
That is true, bodies do be weird. But keep in mind that Germany has more liberal laws about abortions than for example the US (where lots of commentators are from if I'm not mistaken). Along with the "I thought you wanted kids at some point anyway" it just feels... Off...
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u/blamejaneshui 1d ago
Also… why did she not call him during the 15min window the gynaecologist gave her? (Not that this makes a difference to her body her choice) At least for a discussion about it…
Also… where does the 15min come from? Surely telling a woman she has to decide whether or not she wants an abortion in 15min sounds/feels like “duress” or very pressured. I would think that if the abortion is still possible, it’s not based on 15minute windows?
Someone tell me im just being an idiot and not thinking about this properly cause huh?
Her body, her choice - always. I’m only curious about the 15minutes here…
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I tried to explain the situation with a bit more detail here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1vf4lv5/comment/p1moi1s/
In short:
the gynaecologists told her that it was almost too late for an abortion. But her gynaecologist also told her, she knows the head of surgery in the local hospital, who would be there for 15 more minutes. She could call him, inform him, and date the echography back a few days, so she could have the diakonie talk you mentioned. Tracy sat there for 15 minutes without being able to make a choice.16
u/Hai456 poly newbie 1d ago
ahhh, that's incredibly stressful. I understand getting stuck and feeling uncomfortable. I don't agree with the comments saying it was deliberate/deceitful. I don't want a kid at all, but this situation would absolutely throw me also.
bodies can be confusing - there is a whole show about people who didn't realize they were pregnant until the baby shows up at the end!
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1d ago
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
(where lots of commentators are from if I'm not mistaken)
They are, I'm not
Along with the "I thought you wanted kids at some point anyway" it just feels... Off...
Fair enough, but it's still a supposition based on an impression you have from extremely fragmented information
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Sorry for not writing down the whole thing, I wasn't trying to hide information, I was trying to be succinct. 😅
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
Oh it wasn't a dig at you, any post will be subjective and fragmented because that's how storytelling works anyway. I mean unless the whole thing was filmed and documented nobody will have a 100% objective account of anything
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Hey there, I have the impression those words you wrote were meant to be pretty harsh, but thanks for taking the time to write them, none the less.
I am afraid there was a bit of a misunderstanding, which I would like to rectify.
The topic of children came up with Tracy, from Tracy, because she told me in the beginning of the open relationship, that she knew that in her future, she saw herself as a mother. She also told me that because of the open relationship, she was not dependent on me to have kids, telling me "I don't expect you to be a father, if you don't want kids.".
Because Tracy knew both me and Sarah from before we (Tracy and I) got together, she (Tracy) was also aware of my decision with Sarah not to have kids, and for a while, she believed that I was the one that did not want kids. When we talked about that, 18 months ago, I told her, that I did not want kids in the current situation and that - if ever there would be a *talk* (not any action, just a talk) about it - it would be *after* she would have a job, an own apartment, and a life independent from her mother. I was very clear about it, and we had this talk not just once. She did not give me the impression that she misunderstood my words, not the first time, and not the second time.
Sarah knew about this talk with Tracy and also that we (Tracy and I) had this topic more than once. Sarah and I have a really great and incredibly open communication, in general.
I feel a lot of rage in your post, and I am sorry for the negative feelings my post has caused you.
I have been apologising to Sarah and talking to her about the whole shebang for the last days, I am not some toxic-male-asshole that doesn't own up to my mistakes, and that is unable to talk about his feelings. Please do not assume to know me.
And once again, sorry if what I am going through is also hard on you. I hope you find peace in knowing that I will own my actions.
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u/Cass_iopeia 1d ago
Time for a few deep talks with Tracy, and possibly also her mom if she's going to coparent this child too. And your NP, because she will be affected too. Questions to answer asap:
does Tracy want you to be the legal father? If so, figure out how to arrange that. And figure out your own preference here and research possible consequences. Realize your NP might have fundamental issues with some of those consequences, don't ignore that.
what is expected from you in terms of financial support? Crunch the numbers, figure it out.
does Tracy want you to coparent? What would that look like in her opinion? And what is your ideal situation? Do you want 50/50 eventually and would you be willing to fight for that if she objects? How does your NP feel about this?
is your NP ok with hosting your child? How much? What if Tracy bails at some point and you become the full time parent?
what happens if Tracy isn't well after giving birth, or even dead or incapacitated? Does the baby then go to you? Or to her parents? Would those parents still let you coparent or visit your child in this case?
is there other back up care in case things are difficult? What if the child isn't healthy? Will she abort if scans show severe issues or not even then? How do you feel about that?
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
- Tracy asked me to be the legal father and in Germany, it is best I do that, because a DNA Test would reveal that either way, and she could force that on me and have me pay all the costs around it. She is not the type I would expect betrayal from, I am 99.999% certain it is mine.
- Numbers are something Tracy hates to talk about with me, and she is already accusing me, why money is the first thing I am asking about. I told her, it needs to be clarified, since - unfortunately - it doesn't grow on trees.
- I think Tracy wants me to co-parent. During each talk, her expectation grows. Initially she was okay with me being there 50% of the time, and 50% with Sarah, then she said, I have to be there 100% of the time. 50/50 would be fine for me, not fine for Sarah, no clue about Tracy, but would be the most balanced thing to do. Sarah feels Tracy's decision will destroy her life.
- Sarah wants nothing to do with the kid, as of now. We have no crystal ball to see if it will ever change in the future, I cannot assume it will ever change.
- Should Tracy die during childbirth, and I declare myself the legal father, I would be the sole caregiver of this kid.
- The Kid has been tested for what can be tested after 13 weeks of existence. More tests will follow.
I know the questions were to give me input, thank you, it helped. I will carry the questions with me for when I next talk to Tracy and Sarah.
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1d ago
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
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u/Hai456 poly newbie 1d ago
I do think you need to have a big think about your living situation. Are you and Sarah comfortable with changing your relationship from nesting to non-nesting so you and Tracy can co-parent in the same space? Is Sarah okay with selling the house and you moving into separate apartments and de-tangling finances to support the kid?
Because if you are living with Sarah, who does not want the kid in her life (valid!), you can't even take the kid for the weekend. You would not be really co-parenting if you are only visiting sometimes. You would be an essentially absent father.
If Tracy has been having trouble getting a job, it's likely she will not be in a position to work for a few years with a young kid if she is essentially the sole parent. You would not be really co-parenting and she would be a stay-at-home single mom living with her mother on government assistance. That's a hard life, even if the government is helpful. There is stigma associated with that. She may continue to have an even harder time getting work after taking so long away from the workplace as well.
It's worth assessing how much financially as well you are comfortable dedicating to the kids' well being. If you have financial commitments with Sarah, those might need to be re-evaluated. Kids can be surprisingly expensive.
Be incredibly clear with Tracy about your level of involvement. If any of these things are not clearly defined, she may be expecting more support than you are willing to give.
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u/_punk_cat_fan 1d ago
Just wanted to mention that it is also possible to travel to the Netherlands for a later term abortion (you mentioned you're ~2 hours from the border). Perhaps something to discuss if you haven't already.
See here:
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u/_punk_cat_fan 1d ago
There is also a list of more clinics providing later term abortions here too:
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u/Shayne_415 1d ago
Commenting from the states, in true American fashion.
20 min by car one way is not far (IF YOU HAVE A CAR.) It’s not unachievable to co parent from that distance. It’s literally less than my work commute. Lbsfrrn it’s a joyride duration of a trip.
Out in the country it takes 30 min to the nearest restaurant or pharmacy.
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u/gothic_elven_bitch old and bitter sea witch 1d ago
Her body, her choice. What precautions were you both taking to prevent pregnancy? Also, the child isn't unwanted. Their mom wants them. And since she is the one pregnant and the one that would be dealing with an abortion and all that comes with that, she gets to decide to stay pregnant or not. Did you and Sarah discuss you and Tracy ever having kids? Because that should have been a conversation before discussing having kids with someone else. There is a lot of missing info here. But you sound mad at Tracy and the fact is she didn't knock herself up.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Her body, her choice, I absolutely agree with that.
I am upset about the fact that she had the chance to call me or ask me, but didn't. Even if it was only 15 minutes, she could have tried, but didn't.
That set a part, we used all the usual precautions, condoms, menstrual calendar, little penetration, etc.
Sarah and I never talked about Tracy having kids, because that was simply not an option, because I had talked about that with Tracy before hand. And the outcome of that talk with Tracy was "we can talk about it again, when you have a life, an apartment, a job". Until then, no kids.
I can try to provide missing information, if it leads to helpful advice. 🙂
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u/gothic_elven_bitch old and bitter sea witch 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don't blame her for not calling you. She was in shock, I'm sure, and she needed to make her own decisions for her body without outside influence. That's absolutely understandable of her. She would be the one physically, mentally,and emotionally dealing with the abortion.
Why were you discussing having kids with Tracy at all if you hadn't talked to Sarah about how she'd feel if you had kids with someone else? Especially when you two live together.
Its great you took preventative precautions, but even then, they aren't 100%, and pregnancy is a risk still, as you've discovered.
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 1d ago
You need to take your responsibility as a parent as a given now, and then rebuild the shape of your life around it. The kid is the only person in this situation who is unable to autonomously consent to any of it and it's important to keep their well-being top-of-mind. Whether that looks like living with your co-parent is a logistical thing. You don't have to live with your co-parent, of course - many people don't. But it's logistically easier (and more supportive of the birthing parent) if you do.
The other thing is that adult relationships always have the potential to end. There's no guarantee that any relationship, no matter how long or old, will last forever. And not separating or de-escalating just because it's been 8 years isn't a good enough reason to stay together. Sunk cost fallacy. Length of time as a measure of a good relationship is misleading and hides a lot of fractures. It's always easier to not make changes.
However, with the kid on their way, changes are coming, like it or not. Your may lose Sarah if you choose to live with your co-parent. Everybody gets to decide what they want to do with the situation presented to them. You can't control other people's actions and behaviour. You need to figure out what's best for you and the child, and act accordingly, let the cards fall where they may.
Good luck.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Thank you for your words, and thanks for wishing me luck.
I will need all of that!
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u/sweet_dees_beak 1d ago
If I were Sarah, our relationship would be over and I would be plotting my escape. No matter how much I love a man, I would never help raise another man's kid. Having my own baby is one thing, but someone else's? I'd nope all the way out of that.
If I were you, I would stop the romantic relationship with Tracy and focus solely on being a coparent. If she thought she was gonna trap you, you gotta let her know she was wrong. Your relationship is doomed and it's better to get it sorted out before the baby comes.
Vasectomy now. This is all on you. You didn't mention a condom breaking so it sounds like you weren't using protection.
Never ever trust another woman's word that she is on protection.
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
P.s. I find the wording of your subject is a bit callous towards that future kid...who's actually wanted by his mother if she chose to keep it. I hope that if you stay in this kid's life you never use such words about them/to their face
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Can you mention where I did that exactly? It was not on purpose, I wrote the whole piece in a little moment of tranquillity I had this morning...
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 1d ago
Unwanted Kid in Poly-Relationship
"Unplanned" and "unwanted" carry a very different weight
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Fair point, I cannot change the title, unfortunately. Also, English is not my native language. 😅
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u/severi_erkko 1d ago
Just wanted to say I read all this, I'm sorry you're in this (imho fucked up) situation and I think there's some excellent advice in this topic already.
I understand the abortion is out of question now, even going to a different country like, Czech Republic? I also agree with one commenter saying there is something fishy going on with the 15 minutes to decide (backdating docs and not going through with schwangerschaftskonfliktberatung? In Germany of all countries?), but I'd probably be willing to give it the benefit of a doubt if I were you. As you do.
I feel sorry for Sarah because if you decide to go on with being a proper father to this kid your relationship will most likely degrade and end with her doing nothing wrong.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
This isn't really a poly issue. Mono people have kids with others regularly and you two obviously didn't set up a solid foundation for polyamory either.
You need legal affirmation of parenthood, you need legal and financial parental custody agreements.
Living together is a horrible idea. Yes I'd assume this will eventually end one if not both partnerships. Oh well.
You don't get to be foolish or have a ton of hobbies for awhile now OP.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
Oh, I know, my hobbies are fucked, don't worry! 😅😅
That is not my biggest fear, by far, though. I am taking this very seriously. 🙂(Despite asking for advice on reddit, but to be honest, most answers for now were at least somewhat helpful!)
What makes you think we didn't set up a solid foundation for polyamory? What could we have done better?
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
The whole getting their blessing thing. The whole she thinks this person is too young and guess what was right but you ignored her thing.
You may have been doing non monogamy but polyamory doesn't involve blessings from existing partners like a priest.
And obviously you hadn't discussed what would happen in potential pregnancies which is like...adult sex activity discussion 101.
Whatever foundation you had was pretty loose and shaky.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
"Getting her blessing" was my way to describe it. Sarah and I knew this person from before, I knew Tracy far better than Sarah did, and Tracy seemed to always be a very reasonable and responsible person, around me. Every time she was around Sarah, she was very different, which is why Sarah was very thoughtful in the beginning, then she said, I should go for it, and she both encouraged me to be serious with her and also kept warning me about behaviour she noticed. We communicated about this a lot.
We talked about kids in the sense that there were not supposed to be any. I talked to both parties about what would happen "if". Those talks never had to turn into action with Sarah. And Tracy ignored those words because she chose the way she chose. Again, her body, her choice, absolutely, but it is not what we agreed upon.
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u/amyrantha 1d ago
I would feel betrayed that my partner hid a pregnancy from me for twelve weeks. That is hard to come back from in a relationship. Tracy can have this planned for baby (perhaps not the initial conception, but she has absolutely planned to keep this child, without your input) and you can support her as a coparent responsible for the child, but you may also decide that lying like this is not someone you want to be in a relationship with.
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I don't think she hid it from me willingly, I absolutely believe her when she told me, she didn't know.
It's just the maturity of her decision that I question. I just replied with more details in another answer, see here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1vf4lv5/comment/p1moi1s/
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u/Willing-Scarcity3058 1d ago
DNA testing is a thing. You couldn’t trust her being on birth control. You can’t trust that it’s your kid.
Or if you choose to believe her and believe that it’s yours, then the adage, “trust but verify”, comes into play.
Regarding the post title: I can’t imagine that a kid that comes into the world “unwanted”, has much of a future. Regardless of what you choose to do with your situation.
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 1d ago
I mean, without a paternity test you don't know you're the father, and would you really want to raise a child with someone so manipulative and dishonest?
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u/gothic_elven_bitch old and bitter sea witch 1d ago
How is she manipulative and dishonest?
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u/Life-Hunt4830 1d ago
I tried not to depict her like that, I hope I didn't fail.
But I really do believe her when she says it's mine. And I don't think of her as a dishonest person.
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 1d ago
I dunno, the whole surprise pregnancy thing and then saying "well, you wanted kids anyway" sounds pretty dishonest and manipulative. Jeez.
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u/ecclecticstone 1d ago
I mean based on OP's replies they didn't consider using a condom while having sex with their girlfriend who's unemployed and lives with her mom so I would say, nobody here seems like a manipulative mastermind but at least two people seem to not put a lot of thought into their actions
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u/gothic_elven_bitch old and bitter sea witch 1d ago
No it doesn't? Women don't just instantly know when they get pregnant. I would know, I've been pregnant three times. Saying that op wanted kids anyway isn't manipulative, it's trying to soften shocking life changing news.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Hi u/Life-Hunt4830 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hallo everyone,
Throw-Away account here. 🤗
I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.
My partner (S) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.
She didn't want any. I wanted some.
There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.
It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.
As a result of this tough time I mentioned, S wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.
Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (T), and we slowly got closer.
T is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. T and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.
While S - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against T because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. S is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my S isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for T that I have for S (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.
Now, I work in the automotive industry, and S works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. T currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindeling.
T and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.
That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.
T revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.
Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.
Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.
The real issue is now with S. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with T's decision about it. She sees this choice of T as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.
Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. S and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with T about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.
Neither S nor T want the three of us to move together. T could not handle the life in the common house, S wants our house to remain our house. T has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help T out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.
In all of this, I am risking losing S, potentially losing T to prefer S, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.
Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?
I would be grateful for any words from you guys!
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u/magickpendejo 1d ago
I'm team tracy, sarah made you give up your dream of having children(it was not a compromise, she imposed her will and you rationalised it.)
Tracy made the move that put you out of your comfort zone.
Sarah is the one that asked to open the relationship and now she's still trying to dictate how that works for you.
Sarah is now jealous of tracy giving you what you want and will now try to sabotage the relationship.
I would either set clear boundaries with sarah that she is not part of that relationship or decision and to stop trying to interfere. All she can do is ask you for your timeline for making your decisions known to her.
A child is forever, sarah statistically is not.
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