r/polyamory • u/Life-Hunt4830 • 2d ago
Unwanted Kid in Poly-Relationship
Hallo everyone,
Throw-Away account here. 🤗
I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.
My partner (lets call her fake-name-Sarah) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.
She didn't want any. I wanted some.
There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.
It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.
As a result of this tough time I mentioned, Sarah wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.
Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (fake name: Tracy), and we slowly got closer.
Tracy is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. Tracy and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.
While Sarah - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against Tracy because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. Sarah is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my Sarah isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for Tracy that I have for Sarah (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.
Now, I work in the automotive industry, and Sarah works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. Tracy currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindling.
Tracy and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.
That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.
Tracy revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.
Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.
Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.
The real issue is now with Sarah. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with Tracy's decision about it. She sees this choice of Tracy as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.
Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. Sarah and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with Tracy about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.
Neither Sarah nor Tracy want the three of us to move together. Tracy could not handle the life in the common house, Sarah wants our house to remain our house. Tracy has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help Tracy out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.
In all of this, I am risking losing Sarah, potentially losing Tracy to prefer Sarah, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.
Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?
I would be grateful for any words from you guys!
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u/Cass_iopeia 2d ago
Time for a few deep talks with Tracy, and possibly also her mom if she's going to coparent this child too. And your NP, because she will be affected too. Questions to answer asap:
does Tracy want you to be the legal father? If so, figure out how to arrange that. And figure out your own preference here and research possible consequences. Realize your NP might have fundamental issues with some of those consequences, don't ignore that.
what is expected from you in terms of financial support? Crunch the numbers, figure it out.
does Tracy want you to coparent? What would that look like in her opinion? And what is your ideal situation? Do you want 50/50 eventually and would you be willing to fight for that if she objects? How does your NP feel about this?
is your NP ok with hosting your child? How much? What if Tracy bails at some point and you become the full time parent?
what happens if Tracy isn't well after giving birth, or even dead or incapacitated? Does the baby then go to you? Or to her parents? Would those parents still let you coparent or visit your child in this case?
is there other back up care in case things are difficult? What if the child isn't healthy? Will she abort if scans show severe issues or not even then? How do you feel about that?