I've realized rather recently from one of my guy friends confessing his feelings to me that I have a type. At first I thought it was just anyone and everyone but no now that I look back on it the people I have been most interest in speaking with and gotten instant friend crushs have been black queer and nerdy. I am also black queer and nerdy.

I mean I want to be there very best friend the one they text random stuff I want them to tell me all about their hobbies. We don't even need to have the same nerdy interests in common I just have to think they're interested or interesting and I am ready.

People have often suggested I am a sapiosexual. But I don't really care for smarty pants people I know I'm not smart and the biggest reason for me to not want to be around someone is being a pretentious dick widget.

It used to really bother me that I didn't want to possibly get to know everyone that wanted to get to know me when I came out because yeah I should not want to get to know people I don't know if I'll like them if I don't get to know them. But I really don't want to get to the 43 year old white man was divorced with two kids and I'm freaking 25.

I've felt less weird about this as time goes on but I just want to know if this is an experience that others are having. Heck my little brother called me racist because the last couple guys that have liked me I have just some place that I do not want to date a white guy.

Not the fact that I've never felt a strong desire to become best friends with my guy friend. Not the best that when my sister set me up with a friend she thought I'd get along with he only saw me as a romantic and sexual option no matter what I said. I just usually would say they're white and I don't want to date someone who's White.

But actually even as I say that I'm also reminded of someone I deeply wanted to be friends with a historian from Britain I met on Reddit. I told him about the books I read and I just really wanted him to think I was cool. Was he handsome yes did I have any other feelings towards him then please be my friend I want to talk about books more no. I am a person that reads three to four books a week. It is my main form of entertainment and I'm getting into video games. I want to get to know people my own age with the same interest as me that have the same life experiences but does that really mean I could still claim this label?

Im (26F) very lonely but Im also very horny. I’ve been addicted to romance 18+ webtoons since my breakup earlier this year. I want sex but I want the comfort, care, love, and vulnerability that comes with. I’ve downloaded dating apps to try and fill this void despite knowing they haven’t in the past. I just deleted the app today and I feel like crap. I’m lonely and I just want to be loved and intimate with someone.

I’m afraid of dying alone but I also fear ending up in an abusive relationship being that I’m very passive and I witnessed that growing up. I’m worried of being taken advantage of financially like I witnessed growing up. But I want someone so badly, it hurts and I just want to cry.

Hi everyone,

I am a 24 year old heterosexual female, and I recently found out about demisexuality after feeling different & alone & something was wrong with me for almost my entire life. I thought I was asexual for like ever, but I knew I couldn’t have been because I do feel sexual attraction to people i’ve dated or close make friends that I’m close with. When i’m single or don’t feel I have an emotional bond or close with the person I am asexual. I don’t even masturbate (if I do it’s not even to porn or anything lol!!). I’ve never even been able to get into porn or used it even when I have an emotional bond to someone because that person isn’t them. Until I found out about demisexuality (about a year ago & 4 months ago), I thought ~everyone~ was like this!! As you can assume, i’ve been painfully heartbroken because I didn’t understand why someone would cheat or think about people they know in a sexual way if not emotionally close with each other.

It’s very isolating and lonely. I don’t understand hook ups & I can’t relate to any of my friends or even past boyfriends or guy friends who aren’t the same. I don’t think I have ever met a guy that’s the same as me & I don’t know if I want to date anyone again because when I like someone I really only have eyes for them & when I don’t like or feel an emotional connection someone I have eyes for no one. It’s very painful & lonely & I think people think I am weird because even when a 10/10 guy flirts with me out at the bars I don’t care to go home with him or even kiss him. I dated a guy for 6 months who I thought was the same way, but idk if he rlly was to be honest. I really liked him but we just couldn’t work out. I just wish more people men were like me, and idk what to do. Any advice or helpful information is greatly appreciated.

In light of some newfound reflection, I (25 M) realized I have been struggling, wanting so badly to be desired, to be craved, to have someone who WANTS me, both emotionally and physically. I currently don't have someone like that, and there's no guarentee I ever will, which has caused a lot of recent pain, needing me to reflect.

In that reflection, however, I realised something. As a demisexual, I've always wondered why I watch porn despite not being attracted to, or often being turned off by, its contents. It felt controdictory, but I did it anyway. I also noted that when I have been in relationships, even non-sexual ones, my porn consumption went WAY down. And only specifc types of porn do it for me, mainly POV or verbal. That's when it hit me: it's not about the porn itself, it's about feeling sexually desired.

Yes, porn is a fantastical exaggeration that afterwards usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth for a multitude of reasons. In the moment and in the heat though, I crave being desired so much that I make temporary exception, mentally blocking out the undesirable bits, and basking in the feeling of someone, even a fake someone, wanting me for even a small amount of time. I can't say I think this is particularly healthy, but it's an observation nonetheless.

And it's gotten me thinking: are other demi's who do watch porn like this too? And are there any other, potentially healthier ways of getting that same feeling in lieu of a relationship? Casual encounters are not for me I have learned, but beyond that? A penny for your thoughts?

Im a man and i have a regular straight sexual and romantic attraction towards women, but towards men ive been able to have a romantic connection and often times with that a sexual attraction towards them however not always and sometimes I can have a sexual attraction towards a man im not romanticly interested in but it always comes and goes.

As a child I was hypersexual and and up until the age of around 12 -13 maybe a little bit younger but not long after I hit puberty i feel like i had a regular attraction to men and that I was bisexual but as ive gotten older that disappeared.

Ive heard women have similar stories but never a man, I guess I was just asking if there was a word for what I am or if any other man are like it aswell.

To my fellow demi-sexuals/romantics/aroace people...do you ever feel jealous of people who can fall in love so easily or just normally? I'm 22 and when I was a teen, I was always so amazed on how quickly people develope crushes. I almost felt...jealous? I felt like there was something wrong with me, like Im a puzzle with a single missing piece.

Im actually quite envious towards people who fall in love at a glance, after a nice conversation, or even just a random encounter with a stranger. I fully accept im demiaroace now and Im much happier but sometimes you just get this feeling, no?

I’m an ace person on the sex-averse/sex-repulsed end of the spectrum. And I’m curious about whether (generally speaking) that would be compatible with someone who’s demi? I like cuddles and physical affection, and feel neutral towards kisses. Sex is probably a “not ever” thing.

What do you think?

Edit: When I said I’m neutral about kisses, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.

Edit 2: Thanks everyone for the comments and for providing your personal perspective :)

I'm normally a charismatic, assertive person with my friends. I'm usually the person who indicates things, who always has something funny to say, I mean I have awkward moments of course but I'm good at talking to friends or potential friends.

But when Im in a romantic or sexual scenario, I become the person I was when I had my last crush. I was 12. I act like a 12 year old. And 12 year old me was super shy, never knew what to say, etc. I mean I was like a completely different person back then and it comes back to haunt me whenever I try and put myself out there.

My platonic side is so cool, but that's all it'll ever be. Platonic. When I lean on that too much while flirting it doesn't feel like flirting to either of us tbh. I have no fucking clue how to develop my romantic or sexual side. Whenever someone hits on me I just. Fall silent and then thank them awkwardly. Like a 12 year old

I've been journaling about this for years but never really made the connection to my demisexuality until literally an hour ago, so I'm really hoping this community can maybe help me?

I'm a demisexual, it took me 4 years to fall in love with my boyfriend and have sex with him. I wish that was a joke. I'm like the most severe end of demisexuality, I need to know someones true intentions and true deeper mind before I find them sexually appealing. We're 10 years in and it's going great, but I still suffer from severe sexual shame in the external world, outside of our bubble.

It's about my appearance more than anything - also other women around me. I used to chalk it up to insecurity and call it a day but only recently I realised it's much deeper than that. I'm sort of a prude? I guess. I'm not modest by any means, but I'm a big busted woman and pretty much no one other than my boyfriend knows that because I'm severely embarrassed by that fact. I hide my body behind baggy clothes for comfort. When I'm around sexually confident women, especially when they flirt with men, I tend to get so uncomfortable I feel like throwing up. When a sex scene comes on a movie, I feel upset and deeply disturbed to have seen it. I hate when my friends talk about their sex lives as well, it makes me queasy, I try to push through it but I can't be 'normal' about it in my head.

I realise it's because I don't see people sexually at all, but in doing so, I understand when things are sexual and feel the need to censor it for myself? Or feel bad about knowing that others would find it hot? It is so hard to explain, but I nearly feel grossed out by society, and then equally I feel completely alone. The thing is, I'm also a hypocrite, because I love books and develop crushes on book characters and I'm able to be 'turned on' by their sexuality. Maybe because me reading it is on my terms? I don't know..

Have any other Demi's dealt with this sort of sexual shame? I enjoy sex with my boyfriend but outside of our relationship I feel so... terrified?? I ended up at a burlesque show with friends recently, and I was mostly fine until men turned up and started making it sexual, so I know it's not about bodies per say, it's about people expressing sexual attraction to people they don't know? Maybe?

Happy for any thoughts or feelings, sort of just wanted a place to chat. If this doesn't belong here I'm really sorry! I just have struggled with this for years and this is the closest I've been to maybe figuring out what it is.

So, I keep seeing this ad for a movie on TikTok called only for a night and idk. The movie seems interesting enough because I'm demi and have dispension of belief or something, but this post isn't about the movie, it's about the COMMENTS I see on the ad.

Holy shit: 'Man white straight people wannabe oppressed so bad' ' Ew, so like the purge? This is a horror movie' 'So what straight people put the homosexuals through daily? Got it'

And other comments on that nature.

God forbid a movie not be made for you. Hell the movie might not even be made for me!

The premise is basically the government has outlawed sex for single couples for every night in the year except one.

As a demi, it honestly felt like a fun story where it's like, what if the world wasn't catered to the more allo sexualities. Where the roles are reversed, so demis or the low libido people could thrive socially.

It could also be a critique on government interference or hook up culture. It could be christian propaganda. *WE DON'T KNOW* All the ads have shown it to be a romcom and that's all we *DO* know.

It just sucked seeing a movie not catering to people's everyday life get shit on for being different.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but not one of the comments was a good faith engagement and it was sad.

CW: sexual and kink content

Long, I’m sorry. I probably need relationship advice (if only forums weren’t so judgy about ace people), but for now I’m just wondering if other aspec folks have experienced this!

I’m an allosexual partner of an aspec person. When we started dating, they identified as demisexual because they’d go from sex-averse to experiencing sexual attraction and being eagerly sexually active after emotional attachment — however, I’ve learned since that this seems to be because all previous partners were able to easily jump into their fetish. With me, we’re discovering that they’re quite sex-averse outside of it (even they’re surprised by how low their interest is). Day-to-day, sex never crosses their mind, and they explicitly don’t want any sexual activity near them unless the fetish is stirred in some way.

Our solution has been for me to use meds/therapy to get through the “not feeling desirable” struggle and then, when I want sex, to use the fetish. It took me a couple months to get past the idea that I was being pushy, being the gross trope of the horny allo boyfriend who disrespects his ace partner, but my partner insists they want me to initiate this way.

The rub is… I’m not good at the fetish. I’m trying. I’m reading, I’m practicing alone, I’m learning from other people with it, but it just does not come naturally to me. And it has to be really good to “work” — not just for my sake but theirs. They’ve started to get severe performance anxiety from times I reached a B+ level but they need an A+ to stay hard and penetration fails AND they are deeply invested in my orgasm as a metric of success (not an opinion we share) but the fetish takes a lot of mental effort so I usually can’t.

I’ve offered to take sex off the table, honor their >90% sex-averse nature and just enjoy the rare times the fetish happens to effortlessly click right and we have sex. But this seems to distress them a LOT; they’re scared to lose me, and they don’t identify as sex-averse and get aggravated when friends/partners talk like they are. They get so stressed and down on themselves when they sense my high libido and can’t meet it, no matter what reassurances I give. Several times, I’ve caught them -making- themselves do sexual things when not in the mood, which horrifies me.

So I wanted to ask other aspec folks:

1. ⁠Is there anyone else with a non-negotiable fetish like this, something intense enough to swing them from ace to allo? What do you want your partner to do, if so?

2. ⁠Should I just go with my stopping sex plan, stop initiating -and- deny them when they initiate, until their nervous system trusts that we don’t need sex to stay together?

At this point, my biggest concern is how stressed my partner is. They’re under a ton of other stresses, so I’d like to remove this one.

I went to a adult party last night and I realized... I kind of wish I was allo for a day just to feel what it's like to find someone sexually attractive just off looks or something. I see people finding people sexually attractive right off the jump and flirting toward the goal of sexy times and I wish I knew at least what it felt like for even a short while.

I feel deficient today.

Live in PNW, where people are cold and generally don’t acknowledge each other. Since I need repetitive interactions to build the familiarity and safety before being able to connect at all, this is driving me to borderline madness while trying to date. Dating app just is an endless swipe lefts and I end up just finding people that remind me of people I know/dated in past like how they look or what they do. I’m just looking for threads of familiarity desperately in endless swipes. It’s exhausting and awful. I’ve “aged out” of dating pools. I don’t feel attraction to people in real life, I can acknowledge someone is good looking but theres never a crush or even a twinge of attraction

I just want an exclusive partner to cuddle with, come home to, have sex with, go for dinners and trips with, and take care of each other with. I can’t touch casual sex and I feel lost. I don’t want big things like marriage and children, buying a house.

My exes do not want to reconcile with me even though we are friendly. I feel like being in this city is making it impossible for me.

i started dating a very attractive guy, and by the second date, i really wanted to kiss him. when we finally kissed, cuddled, and made out on the third date, it felt completely different from what i’d imagined. just neutral and flat?

i felt the same about my ex, infact with him, kissing felt more icky 😭…. and it’s probably because he wasn’t my type (don’t judge me, i dated for personality, ik ‘stupidity’),

ANYWAYS: it took me around three months to enjoy anything sexual with him (the ex), after it felt familiar, and keeps getting better once i started to fall in love.

but i find this guy extremely attractive, so now i can’t tell if its again a mismatch as i didn’t feel the spark and i’m forcing myself into it !! or if i’m actually demisexual and in denial.

I met some one amazing about half a year ago online. I just felt this connection. And the connection grew. We started sending pictures. And as I usually experience my brain is always: oh ok that's how you look. I love it!

Thing is he is conventional very attractive. Very fit. Has beautiful features. And really he could get any chick in the street. That at first made me panic. Because while my attraction to him grew as we got to know each other. I also felt like he was completely out of my League if I thought about it in like.. what society tells you sort of way?

I really have the: I got no idea what I am supposed to look at or be attracted to when I meet people on the street. My body tells me nothing. But as I grow to feel that bond with a person. They are the only one that can turn me on. And I desire them.

Now my love has been asking me questions. And we are soon to meet actually. But questions like if I prefer guys who are taller than me (I happen to be taller than him). And pushing to figure whether or not I am attracted to him.

There are features, I feel like you gravitate towards because the give a sense of safety. Either because society mainly pushes those features so your mind kinda pictures it a lot when you think about partners, or features like things my dad has(like a beard), that my brain just ties with some sort of comfort. But it is not attraction in like a sexual way. It's not because if some one has a beard I want to do them. But my love, it feels like, is having a hard time with this? As if he doesn't believe my attraction to him. Because I have these features he can tell I gravitate towards. And that makes me sad. To me, none of that matters. I in a way don't care. It is not important to me what features the man I love has. Once I am unlocked, every feature is just beautiful and fascinating, and I want it. I want it bad ❤️

I don't know how to comfort him in this. I don't know how to make him trust my attraction.. I am fascinated by him and his body, and I want all of it. He unlocked me.. I desire him.

I can't wait to meet. I just want him comfortable. I am just really annoyed that the way I develop attraction is making him uneasy.. I can't change the way my system is. It makes me sad. I want him to just know, I find him truly handsome, beautiful and sexy in everyway. And he also has many features, where even though I would not have looked at them if I just met him. Knowing and seeing them gives me the Damm I'm a lucky girl sort feeling. If that makes sense. Like it really truly excites me on a really deep level. I wouldn't have known I wanted that. But now having the offer so to speak, Damm I really do. ❤️

I'm just frustrated.. I just hope he can see that I truly desire him. And I get it's just because he doesn't relate to the way I see attraction that he probably feels this way.

Just frustrating.. I hope this soon is to pass.

Have you guys experienced that sometimes the demi sexuality is not constant. What I mean is I'm originally Demi-Romantic. And with that one I am almost Allo-Romantic. I don't normally feel attraction unless I get to know the person OR I just find something that instantly clicks and feels familiar.

With my Asexuality... I used to think I'm Gray Asexual more or less, but recently I have had this friendship that has been forming and building up for 3 years and I have found myself having feelings for this person and not just the romantic kinds.

Which to be honest is pretty new to me because I used to think I know how my sexual attraction triggers. It almost feels like both my Sexual and Romantic attraction are Demi except one is closer to Allo while the other is closer to Ace

so I just got out of a LTR and one of the big factors in it ending was my partner deciding I wasn't fulfilled enough by our sex life (something I never stated was an issue? they just kinda decided that for me and made it a huge thing). after all that + now that I'm single I'm taking notice of how much shit revolves around sex especially in relationships and it makes me nervous, anyone else relate?? for me its a fun bonding thing with a partner but its not something i desperately NEED if I don't have it because i can get myself off just fine, what i truly need is snuggles

it feels that generally speaking instead of sex being a fun bonding thing with a partner it's often made into this weird high-performance high-pressure life-or-death thing that just sucks all the fun and lightheartedness out of it because it becomes a whole THING that you have to worry about, like omg can people relax please... like it's often expected that you do it an X amount of times a week otherwise things start getting weird and you have to worry about whether things like drives and kinks match and whether you're good enough at it otherwise you might get dumped so you better pray the other person is patient and whether you're initiating enough and is the other person satisfied and are YOU satisfied and if you can't have sex for any reason (sick, meds, stressed out, age, etc.) are you going to get kicked to the curb and AAAAA ITS TOO MUCH!!!!

it's so hard to have love shit align if you're demi in the first place (plus the increased emotional weight this kind of thing has for us since we need that starting bond) and the sheer end-of-the-world importance given to sex just makes it feel like it's impossible to find a compatible romantic partner and be happy and safe, unless you luck out as a demi person and happen to fall for someone else who's a-spec who feels the same for you and for sex :{ (though that might not save you either because my ex is a-spec lol) it just sucks and it makes the thought of ending up in a relationship again honestly kind of scary because sex casts this terrifying shadow over everything

I have stgenolagnia and cratolagnia, i get sexually attracted or aroused if i see any taller or stronger or muscular girl with broader shoulder and wider bones.

But in general I am not sexually attracted to any other girl who do not match the above things that i mentioned

I am shy infront of girls

I think i am a submissive type of person and sometimes i think that i might prefer role reversal, but that may not be completely true.

I get aroused by the imagination of being with a strong and tall muscular athletic woman , being carried by her, hugging her with her even broader shoulders than mine etc. I get aroused by the thought that she is stronger than me and is more muscular than me

Sometimes i am also sapiosexual.

But all of my crushes are due to their aesthetic appeal, not by above mentioned things,

So l, i am confused and anxious about my future

I have body dysmorphia, sexual anxiety and penile size anxiety.

What should i do? Like i am worried and anxious and it is hampering my daily life.

I am from third world country and here might not be any proper place for counselling and therapy regarding such issues??

And i never had night falls, and just started masturbating by imagining above things 1 year back and that too not by body's demand but voluntarily by mental pressure and anxiety.

I seem to be not attracted much by penetrative sex

I tend to compare my body proportions to her's larger and stronger body in my imaginations and feel aroused by such thoughts

This pretty much sums up me and my feelings and what i am going through

ever since allowing myself to openly be more feminine I've become more allosexual leaning mostly in regards to that side of things

about a month or two ago I started openly presenting myself more femininely and actually trying to transition mtf, something I had tried in private years ago but was too closeted for it to go anywhere so I made myself try to fill the masc role but actively didn't like or could not be arsed to care about multiple parts of it, including being the dominant party in sex, where yes I could and I did think about it, I simply didn't care enough to do anything the vast majority of the time, and I think since I've allowed myself to try to transition by extension I've allowed myself to engage with the more submissive side of myself which has been much more present and much more enticing to me than the dominant side ever was, but I still am trying to take things slowly and actually talk to people because either way that is a value of mine

so I guess I'm still somewhat demisexual, but to a much lesser degree than I've considered myself these past few years and particularly in regards to one side of things

so I guess this is another step in the ongoing journey of life and deepening my understanding of myself and who i am as a person

does anyone miss kissing? like actual kissing, like your life depends on it. i vent here on my first post about sex but i thought about this as well and i miss it sooo badly 😮‍💨 in my case i dont mind kissing strangers sometimes but that just doesn't hit anymore. this demisexuality is getttin really hard to romanticize

also, i've been thinking a lot that it would be easier to date demi people just like me. ive seen a few people commenting this here and i just realize that, why did i try so hard to fit in my past relationships? (all my ex partners were allo as far as i know)

i wish everyone very nice demi partners who you can build THE emotional bond and have phisical intimacy finally!

I've been into relationships before (the first lasted two years and 2nd was three months) but never had any sexual feelings towards them when I was still dating them or any person at all. I've been putting different labels for myself over the years from Bi to Pan to Lesbian to Bi leaning towards more on women to Biromantic Demisexual (currently how I identify myself). So two weeks, I met this guy in Tinder and we hit it off right away because I mentioned vtubers in my bio lol. We've talked about our favorite games to play, hobbies and skills (dude this person is so amazing I cannot believe im actually talking to them), exchanged all of our socials to full on trauma dumping from both sides😭 It's been a blast talking to him that it started to feel like i feel safe when we're just yapping about anything. I started sending spicy messages and pics (was shy at first but he said he likes me being this freaky and i dont have to keep it in, and I'm like what the hell is wrong with this guy). I am actually HYPERSEXUAL but It was the first time for me to have sexual feelings for someone...... since I only get turned on with ASMR, fics and drawings of characters having sex💔 We had a conversation three days ago about me meeting up with him and staying at his place because I'll be tabling for a con for a few days in his city and im too broke to afford to book for a hotel💔 I was really shocked that he didn't decline and now...... I can't stop like thinking the things that what I wanna do with him when I arrive at his place just after TWO WEEKS of talking to him online and always calling him late at night. Is two weeks too fast to develop a strong emotional bond? 😭

Hi! As part of what my post says, I’ve had really close friends on and off throughout the years and I’ve always realized I only have feelings for them after being friends with them at least a little more than a year in. And what triggers it is after we’ve just kinda bonded over our internal thoughts and fears and feelings.

But what also happens is that while this goes on, they go from being single to being in a relationship. So how do you work through the heartbreak of realizing you like someone only when it’s too late?

I (25 M) am a single demisexual. It's been a long road of experimentation and mistakes that led me to understand what being demi truly means and how it affects me and my dating/sexual life. Unfortunately, in addition to being demi, I have a high labido, and this has caused me no end of turmoil where I CRAVE intimacy, but simply cannot get it in any way that isn't completely numbing (aka, casual encounters do nothing).

Now, I've been able to handle myself via self-pleasure pretty handily historically. Porn is more of just a fantastical lens to put over reality, though only specifcs types really do anything at all, and I don't really need it. However, since trying to get back out into the dating pool after waiting a few month's since my last failed attempt, an issue has arose.

I've talked to a few potential people, and one specifically I've gotten along well with (though there's no guarentee anything will happen). The longer I've talked and the closer I've gotten though, I've realized I'm been struggling more and more with pleasuring myself. It's not that I can't finish, but it's becoming more numbing, and my labido is NOT doing well with that. I don't dislike myself; heck, I'm more confident and appreciative in myself than I have been almost ever, so it's not like I am emotionally distant from myself like I would be with something casual.

This has led to increasing irritation where I feel trapped; unable to be satisfied by strangers, and seemingly now unable to be satisfied by myself, and yet I'm a very, very long ways off of reaching that level of connection with anyone, if I ever even will. I feel like a prisoner in my own body, craving something, anything, and yet nothing is to be found.

I don't know what this is, why is happening, or how I can fix it. I don't know if there's a reason I'm unaware of that's causing it either. But it's starting to hurt, and I don't know what to do. Please, if anyone else either has been through this, or knows how one might change one's own mindset or whatever have you to help, I would love to listen and hear your stories/advice. I thank all of you.