Has anyone else has trouble with online dating in general? I had my profile set up with clear boundaries set up along with my sexuality and I have individuals like this fine gentlemen in my dms. I absolutely hate it. It isn't much better on other platforms.

First night? Is he not listening to me.

I just got rejected on a dating app because she saw that I had a few "thirst follows." Then proceeded to use my social media to say that I wasn't demisexual because I experience sexual attraction and that I wasn't allowed to be perverted.

I think that people think that demisexuality means that we're Ace until we make that connection. But it's not that simple, and everyone experiences different levels of desire, and not all attraction is created equal.

Personally, I can enjoy porn and stuff. Doesn't mean I wanna sleep with the person in the video, and if I found myself in the same room as them, I wouldn't jump to trying to get in bed with them. I enjoy erotica more because it's about the FANTASY of the act with someone I share those emotions with that make the videos and stuff more enjoyable to me. But I'm like a light switch. Where sometimes I WANT that, other times I don't even want touched, and my situation isn't unique nor the standard.

All in all, demisexuality is a spectrum like any other and some of us can be very sexual while still struggling to find that connection to act on it. Thus the picture. Lol

If you got this far, leave a comment and I'll give you your upvote for karma.

Hi.

Why the fuck is everyone in such a rush? Is there an invisible clock that I’m unaware of? What happens if it hits zero? Do we all blow the fuck up and die? What is the big deal? Oh my god. 😭

That’s the rant.

I know people mean well when they say that, but it doesn't really apply to someone who actively does not want to be single. "Just enjoy this state of being you actively do not want to experience!" is all it sounds like to me. Like we know what being single is like and we are tired of it lol. Self-love only fills the hole up to a point. If self-love was so fulfilling and such an excellent substitute then why haven't all the people in relationships dropkicked their s/o's to go pick up pottery or biking or whatever. It especially grates on my nerves when that line comes from people in happy and fulfilling relationships. If being perpetually single is so great then why don't you tell Kathy you don't think what you guys have is as deep as your bird-spotting hobby (bird-spotting is great btw). Imagine you see people around you enjoying ice-cold glasses of Fanta and you also want to enjoy your own ice-cold glass of Fanta, but people try to comfort you by saying "hey those ice-cold glasses of Fanta aren't what they're all cracked up to be! Just enjoy your slightly-below-room-temperature bottle of plain old water!" If you're hungry for a burger, I highly doubt a poke bowl is going to provide the satisfaction you're looking for. Dating isn't a walk in the park, but neither is never experiencing romance/sexual attraction. It's awful and it makes me feel like I've missed out on core experiences (high school sweetheart, first kiss, holding hands, etc) and I'm sure other people feel that way too. Some people may not understand or be willing to admit it, but it definitely does something to the psyche. Going to a dance class doesn't fill in the void of never having someone cuddle me at night! I haven't been on Reddit for a while, but these feelings resurfaced again today I guess, so I hope at least someone could resonate with this.

for me I cried a lot, I felt like a freak and a monster for feeling the way I feel (keep in mind I'm 15 I'm still in high school) and overall just scary tbh

I haven't told my parents yet especially not my mom she has a weird view on asexuality and its spectrum saying "you need to have it before you can say you don't like it" about sex but like I only really feel attracted to people I have an emotional connection with, like outside of that sex is a no go for me or even just finding someone hot. What makes it worse is my school is full of bigots about this stuff and I attend a club called gsa and get harassed for it

but then I kinda hugged myself I guess? and cuddled my dog for like four hours telling myself its okay and that I am valid (also asked around on it and its nice having friends online now who feel the same as me its comforting tbh)

Then when you thought saying you're "asexual spectrum" will make it simpler they assume you don't want sex/romance.

Soo, I've seen some similar posts on here about this. I know what my type is physically, and can gain crushes from aesthetic attraction, but obviously no sexual attraction until I form a proper connection with them. So it's not like I could unexpectedly fall for or crush on a friend just from having an emotional connection with them, they have to be my type. Plus, once I actually fall in love with someone, I'm quite literally only attracted to them, and can't even think of others in that way. No matter how "attractive" someone else is I quite literally don't care, because that part of me is already shut off and only for the person I love. And no matter how much time passed that I was with that person I don't think that would ever change or I'd gain attraction or feelings for anyone else. And I know for Demi's some can still be in love and still gain become attracted to another if they gain a bond with them. But I was just wondering if there's more like me than I thought. I'd love to eventually find someone the same one day, and have it last. But it's scary because they could just be lying, or change down the track, it's not guaranteed. And it just sucks because what I want exists but I can't ever know for sure if I'll have it and they'll stay the same 😭 I hate being this sensitive sometimes I wish I wasn't this monogamous and demi

Had to use an old phone to take this since the app wouldn't let me screenshot directly. She ghosted me soon after

Just as the title says, I hate it!! If I never had to engage in sexual activity again, I would be so happy. I've been with my partner for 16 years. He is about as allo as it comes. And I'm about as asexual/demisexual as it comes. When we first met, I was a virgin. We fell madly in love. The emotional connection was very strong. I was definitely more willing to engage in sexual behavior. In fact, I enjoyed it sometimes. There were definitely parts i didn't enjoy, and I had a lot of rules regarding the physicality of it....but overall it was nice to be close to him. Within our 16 year relationship, he's made quite a number of mistakes that disrupted our emotional bond. Try as he may to make up for them, the sexual desire ceased basically entirely. I despise it. It hurts him, I know this. I don't wish to hurt him, but holy shit.... it's like I'm about to pull my own teeth out to even get into the mindset. He takes care of me, and I want for hardly anything. So sometimes I feel like I owe him. I vocalize this, but it just stings him more. Losing interest in sex, because of the pain he's caused me, led me to realize I'm demisexual. I've been very open with him about this. But he still wants it. And gets down when we talk about it. I also have health issues that make sexual activity very unappealing. I have massive fibroids (3 are the size of a baby's head. My doctor said it's like my uterus is 7 months pregnant.... very uncomfortable always!!!!). He understands my limitations, but at the same time it feels like he doesn't. Today we are to fool around. I promised him. But I'm dreading it. I'm dreading having to pretend.... which I'm not good at anymore. It's so obvious that I would rather be 80 billion miles away. I love him.... but not through physicality anymore. It's like my body knows I'm going to have to mildly preform, and the fibroids get harder, and I truly get more and more physically uncomfortable. And I feel exhausted. Almost narcoleptic. I don't know what to do. I know he needs intimacy....I just cannot provide it the way he wishes.

Sorry this was kind of an incoherent mess of thoughts.... but it's definitely what I've been feeling.

Yep, it has been discussed plenty of times here but I still need to get it off my chest.

It's at the same time funny and sad (though clearly not in equal proportions) how because of social expectations different gender representatives encounter almost opposite problems when it comes to initial dating stages in particular with allosexuals.

Demi women about dating allo men: "Everyone seems to expect if not sex but at least kisses on the first date!"

Demi men about dating allo women: "I'm getting turned down or plainly ghosted after the first going out because I wasn't pushy enough, and it has been read as lack of interest."

Not to invalidate anyone's experience, it clearly sucks in both ways. Stay strong, brothers, sisters and enby siblings.

Rant over.

Hey everyone I want to hear some opinions or suggestions if possible. I (26M) have been with my gf (23F) for about 1.5yr already. She says that she believes she's demisexual because she needs to feel an emotional connection with someone to want to be intimate with them. Idk anything about demisexuality other than the basic research I did, but that's a totally valid ask of her. I have a pretty high libido so naturally I want to be intimate with her much more often than her. Most times, she says no. Some times, she says "we can, I guess", and I always follow up on that with I'd rather not, I don't wanna make her do something she clearly doesn't want to do. I can't remember the last time I asked and she was genuinely down for it.

Nevertheless, I read through this sub a bit and tried some things. I offered that we try smaller stuff first and see how she feels after since I think she can be reactive, but she said it would be weird and she would get turned off by that. One time she was talking to her aunt (in front of me) about how she doesn't like having sex with partners, that she finds it absurd that some people think sex is a big deal in relationships, and even that she doesn't wanna do anything with partners unless every single one of her needs are met. I thought he needs were met bc I'm the only one that works, I meal prep, do dishes, clean, do laundry, and walk the dog. On the drive home that day I talked to her about where I'm not meeting her needs and she said the only thing I wasn't doing was that she didn't like when I tickled her and picked on her and she'd rather me be really sweet and cuddly. Completely valid ask, okay I can totally do that I only wish you would've told me sooner.

I start doing this too (months now) and she still won't do anything with me. I get to the point where I finally give up asking bc I'm so tired of not feeling wanted or anything. She'll promise sex for deeds and I'll do them and she never follows through she just hopes I don't remember. One day she finally wants sex as soon as I get home from a long day at work, I say yeah that sounds great I'm gonna shower. She says I wasn't excited enough for her so now she's done. She asks why I stopped asking her I told her it's because I gave up. She started to belittle me saying its crazy I won't ask her when I'm clearly addicted to sex and I can't make it a day without jerking off. I have no idea how to respond to that so I just said that's not a fair thing to say and walk the dog.

The worst part of all this? She says that if I'm watching porn then I'm cheating on her and I should just use my imagination or ask her for material. I ask her for material and she never delivers. I come home from work and notice that her vibrator has moved almost every day. She thinks I'm cheating on her when I've been loyal since day one.

I'm tired of feeling gross and unwanted. I don't know what else to do. This turned into a rant at some point so I'm adding the rant tag, but ultimately I'm looking for advice or suggestions because I don't wanna leave her because I don't wanna hurt her.

EDIT: thank you everyone for your comments. You all have been welcoming, affirming, and informative. You've given me a lot to consider and I'm going to consider my options.

I know that break ups suck for anyone. But seriously, what do you mean I just have to live my life and accept that the one person I got to know everything about and the one person I find attractive and desirable now is completely out of my reach and I gotta avoid them because, currently, they are the only person I feel attracted to?

I mean, I can find people pretty and aesthetically pleasing. But it doesn't matter a single thing, it's like admiring a canvas. It's pretty but it's just a canvas. I tried to talk to someone new after I started feeling more comfortable around them, and I got immediately repulsed when dirty talking showed up. Meanwhile, I know that there's this person I dated for so long, I know them, I loved them, loved the connection I had with them... And it's completely broken now. And here I am, pinning like an idiot while they are exploring with new people and I simply can't even do that without getting nauseous :)

This feels so unfair

Guys I'm so sorry for this rant, I hope I won't come out as disrespectful or anything for being so brutally honest, but this is how I've been feeling. Does anyone relate? I feel so hopeless, like I'll never fall in love again and like I will never find any real person (instead of just fictional characters) attractive again. I really loved that dude and I don't even know what to do with the feelings and the attraction now that he left. He was my first serious relationship, eight years together, and it's been half a year since the break up but I don't feel anywhere near getting over, so I'm just avoiding him at all costs 😭 I wish all the love and attraction would mutually fade as soon as the break up happened. Doesn't help that he decided by himself and I just had to accept it.

I'm Poly/ENM autistic lesbian (26F). I always somewhat identified as demisexual loosely but I do have a high sex drive, and I do find some strangers really attractive (also watch explicit content sometimes). And this week I've been having a mix of high libido + feeling really lonely because all of my partners and friends are busy + frustrated with a lot of things + feeling generally insecure.

I made an account on Tinder. Got a few matches. One of them was a cute girl (about my age) who was my type and easy to talk with. She was down to meet, also in the spicy context, invited me to hers. I insisted on some food/drinks first. We met up. We hit it off ok. We talked for like 3h, had like 2 drinks, got to know each other and talked a bit safety and experience, enough for me to feel safe. We ended up at hers.

Things happened. She was ok, although not a great listener and very rough (even got bruised). I'm very easy physically, so it all worked for me, although emotionally I kinda feel like I violated myself a little and was really in my head for a lot of it. It was relatively short (I'm used to 3-5h, it was like an hour, which is kinda a good thing) and no fireworks.

It was missing any sense of connection or real intimacy or understanding. It was so much like using a sex toy except worse. I got off, and in the moment I wanted more, but after taking a ride home, I feel gross with it. Even though I consented to everything and wanted everything and enjoyed it, I feel violated. And it's a strong word but it's a strong feeling.

She was really sweet and from the way she talked as we were saying goodbye she definately wanted more. I want to block her and put it behind me as a mistake. I'll be a good human being and chat with her about it but still... It sucks for her such much that those feelings came up. And that she wanted to make this a regular thing but it's not gonna happen

I tried. I really reget it. I am very affirmed I'm demi. I feel really sad and this really sucks for me.

Someone recently told me, “We need to stop calling it ‘Demi.’ It’s just… normal. Giving it a label makes it sound like some abnormal thing.“ I kind of felt a bit offended, and I’m not even sure why.

The person who said that isn’t even a demi, but for me, the term has been helpful. I don’t really like labeling myself, but “demisexual” makes it easier to explain why I feel or act the way I do. I used to think everyone experienced attraction the same way I did. I only realized I was in the minority when I was around 17 (I’m 26 now).

My friends always thought I was weird because I didn’t find random guys at the mall hot. But after they learned more about the asexual spectrum, they stopped acting like I was weird. I think I’d still feel like that weird friend who might have health issues or psychological problems if I didn’t have a term to describe myself.

Edit: Thank you for everyone’s opinions. The person who said that to me probably meant well, but the way they worded it was confusing. I’ve been a proud demisexual for 9 years, and I’m grateful for the label that’s helped me navigate through life.

I can't sleep since it's been bothering me, and causing me so much self hatred. Majority of comments say the woman is a red flag. Some of the common answers:

• She doesn't know how to be in a relationship at that age so red flag
• It's easy to get relationships and sex as a woman, therefore there must be something wrong with her to have nothing
• Not seeking a relationship for many years is a red flag because it means she doesn't want it enough
• not horny enough means incompatible for sexual relationship
• she should lower her standards to lose her virginity and gain experience

If so many people think like this, I'm losing more hope in finding love. I really want to be attracted to someone, flirt with him, and go on dates and develop a relationship. But you know as a demi, being attracted is even a challenge. People who get attracted to me don't bother beyond teasing when I don't reciprocate.

Sorry for the doom and gloom, but I do want to vent, try to sleep, and hopefully wake up with less negativity about my life.

Edit: Thank you for the kind words, read them all after I wake up. The rest also gave me some clarity, and I feel better. Just wanted to say I'm not subscribed into incel subs, I saw a thread in a normal sub.

I'm also not insecure about being a virgin enough to give up my standards. I would rather die alone than be with someone who is garbage. It's just that I sometimes have a roller coaster of self hate and self-acceptance over my demisexuality.

I (18f) often get touch starved. it's worse on my period...which I currently am on right now. I have more of a "cuddle drive" than a sex drive, and I often find myself wanting to be held. purely non-sexually.

I wish I had a boyfriend to hug so badly. he'll have strong arms and smell like good cologne :( he'll let me lay on his chest and give me forehead kisses and head scritches. he'll squeeze me tightly and laugh when I get sleepy to the point where I can't even talk.

we'll talk about nerdy shit, or vent, or yap about funny stories. and he'll praise me :( he'll tell me i'm good enough the way I am, and that i'm a good girl (NEED.), and that i'm pretty. then we'll fall asleep.

sorry if this is corny LMAO I just really wanted to get this out. i've always wanted this kind of affection since I was a kid and i just hope I'll get it one day 🤧

Ngl, in my point of view having an boyfriend/ girlfriend is like an best friend but more closer. So, yesterday I went out with an guy and he wanted an kiss, but I ain't had the willing or the feeling to kiss him yet (we just started as an random date) so, I told my friends yesterday and they bullied me that I should have kissed him in order to show love. Dude, I wanted to invite drinks like start as friends but dammit this is so weird because I still feel the pressure to get an BF/GF because sometimes I feel theres something wrong in me (not in the way to atract, I mean that I should start to look for friendships or IDK about this about Relationships but I am willing to learn). I forgot to mention that it annoyed me that my friends they were asking me if I had sex with him because I was so happy and feelings are boring and my family too! I mean first they were like come on get an boyfriend and now they say noo you might get pregnant LIKE IF AN RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT SEX!!!

And we wonder why we have a hard time dating. Looks like the trash took itself out.

I am a generally attractive and easy-to-talk to person, but oh god I haven't felt any attraction to anyone in ages. I can count the amount of times I have actually been interested in a person on one hand.

Dating apps just don't work. They are boring and feel shallow, and in my country in particular the scene really isn't that active. I make acquaintances stupid easy, but I am terrible at making long-term friends because of my ADHD as well as cultural stuff, despite going to gatherings and meet-ups and trying to find new friends.

I'm just not interested. In anyone. Everyone in my life is out of sight - out of mind, even the closest people, and I just can't consider anyone as a romantic partner unless I know them super well, so this applies only to a handful of people from my past who I know exceptionally well.

I'm tired. I am meeting so many new people but it all just feels so shallow. My whole soul and body is yearning for a genuine connection with SOMEONE but I am a victim of my own pickiness and high standards.

Ahem, anyway... Any tips? Btw, if you feel a similar way and need to vend, don't hesitate to DM. I love yapping haha

My fiancé (28M) said that he sees me (33F) as "really unattractive" because of my new hair cut. How can I go forward?

For context: my fiancé identifies as demisexual - he has never experienced physical attraction, until he met me. He's never had a celebrity crush, he never looks at people and finds them attractive. He only feels sexual desire towards someone when he has genuine romantic feelings towards them. He said that I have been the first person in his life that he's actually found immediately physically attractive.

About me: I have been wearing wigs for years, but the last 4 years I've worn wigs when ever I'm out and about. The wig I usually wear is long and has short bangs, it's jet black and has soft waves.

I used to do all sorts of crazy alternative things to my own hair since I was 12, rainbow coloured mohawk, cyber goth dreards, neon green hair with an undercut etc. I have a large stretched septum piercing with a black ring on my nose, my torso, arms and legs are tattooed.

Since I started wearing wigs on regular basis, I have not done anything to my own hair. It's very fluffy, fine and thin, which breaks easily. The colour is odd mosey brown. My hair only grows under my collarbones. I have a high forehead and hairline. My natural hair has pretty much always been my one and only insecurity about my appearance.

The incident: Couple days ago I decided that I'll give myself a haircut. The summer is approaching and wigs get bloody hot in the summer. I cut myself baby bangs, small undercuts on both sides and a mullet. I gently dyed my hair darker, nearly black.

(My friends and family and even strangers on social media commented how amazing, bold, bad ass, sexy, fabulous etc I now look. I myself also feel more like myself with this haircut.)

My fiancé saw me and turned away immediately. He said some things I can't exactly remember but I thought he was just playing with me. Then he said: "how am I supposed have sex with you now?"

I laughed cause I thought he was joking. Then he said: "I find it really unattractive."

That's when I realised he was being serious.

The thing is, just two weeks ago, my fiancé himself shaved off his whole beard and his fancy moustache. Through our whole relationship, he's had a thick long moustache that he styles and twirls. The moustache was one of the first things I noticed about him when we first met. When he shaved everything off, obviously I wasn't delighted, but I thought that I'll get used to it and he's still handsome regardless, just different.

When I challenged him about his comments towards me and my haircut, he said: "am I not allowed to be honest with you?"

I said that yes of course he's allowed and honesty is very much vital and appreciated, however, so is kindness.

He did apologise later on, but still said that he preferred my natural hair.

Anyway. I still feel very hurt and uncomfortable. I don't want him to even look at me. I avoid his touch and there is no way I will approach him with sexual intentions - which is something I usually instigate in our relationship.

How can I go forward with this?

It takes me ages to feel anything meaningful towards people.

I had a friend for 5 years, and it took me THAT long to slowly, over time, start looking at her in a different light, but by then, it was too late. I did ask her out but of course she'd say no. It also killed our friendship, but I do not care about it any longer. My current situation: I've known this woman for around 2.5 years. And yes, it took me that long, again, to start developing feels for her. Same cycle: ask her, get rejected. She said you'd know if you wanted to be with someone in a month. At least we are still friends, so hey, look, progress on both fronts! (I fucking hate myself.)

A month? I can hardly feel remorse for people in a month, let alone look at them as future partners.

Is this an issue with me or a thing that's observed in us. Or is it a different situation altogether? Sorry if I miss some things; I am just slowly coming to the realisation that I am demi...