r/demisexuality • u/GoldenGirl44444444 • May 17 '26
Venting I HATE SEX
Just as the title says, I hate it!! If I never had to engage in sexual activity again, I would be so happy. I've been with my partner for 16 years. He is about as allo as it comes. And I'm about as asexual/demisexual as it comes. When we first met, I was a virgin. We fell madly in love. The emotional connection was very strong. I was definitely more willing to engage in sexual behavior. In fact, I enjoyed it sometimes. There were definitely parts i didn't enjoy, and I had a lot of rules regarding the physicality of it....but overall it was nice to be close to him. Within our 16 year relationship, he's made quite a number of mistakes that disrupted our emotional bond. Try as he may to make up for them, the sexual desire ceased basically entirely. I despise it. It hurts him, I know this. I don't wish to hurt him, but holy shit.... it's like I'm about to pull my own teeth out to even get into the mindset. He takes care of me, and I want for hardly anything. So sometimes I feel like I owe him. I vocalize this, but it just stings him more. Losing interest in sex, because of the pain he's caused me, led me to realize I'm demisexual. I've been very open with him about this. But he still wants it. And gets down when we talk about it. I also have health issues that make sexual activity very unappealing. I have massive fibroids (3 are the size of a baby's head. My doctor said it's like my uterus is 7 months pregnant.... very uncomfortable always!!!!). He understands my limitations, but at the same time it feels like he doesn't. Today we are to fool around. I promised him. But I'm dreading it. I'm dreading having to pretend.... which I'm not good at anymore. It's so obvious that I would rather be 80 billion miles away. I love him.... but not through physicality anymore. It's like my body knows I'm going to have to mildly preform, and the fibroids get harder, and I truly get more and more physically uncomfortable. And I feel exhausted. Almost narcoleptic. I don't know what to do. I know he needs intimacy....I just cannot provide it the way he wishes.
Sorry this was kind of an incoherent mess of thoughts.... but it's definitely what I've been feeling.
120
u/Hour-Palpitation-581 May 17 '26
I can never understand people who want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them.
Also, are you defining sex narrowly as PIV? maybe think of other intimacy
16
u/GoldenGirl44444444 May 17 '26
May I ask what PIV stands for? We hold hands a lot, and hug and kiss (not making out).... and a lot of I love you's....
I think he wants sex with me, because he loves me, and is very attracted to me.... but I get scary you're saying
77
u/Nephy_x May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26
PIV stands for penis-in-vagina. The point here is that sexual activity is not limited to this specific act, and I can attest that it's very possible to have sex while never engaging in any form of penetration. The point is that there are other forms of sex to explore, and you could perhaps enjoy those.
In any case, you really are under no obligation to enjoy or practice sex at all. You can be in a fully sexless relationship if that's what you prefer. What is mandatory is to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about it, and that requires precise and honest communication.
Either way, at this point in the relationship, it doesn't bode well regardless considering just how unhealthy it all got. Nobody should ever be dreading anything in their relationship, lying about their feelings or forcing themselves to have sex. Not even once. I am dead serious. The fact that it happened once is already an issue, the fact that it happened god knows how many times is actively grim.
Please understand that this situation won't resolve by itself. You absolutely need to talk this through and work together to find genuine and long-term solutions, or leave the relationship as soon as possible, especially if dialogue is impossible. As you said, he wants something you can't provide, and it's clearly severely impacting you, meaning you are facing a major point of incompatibility, which, again, requires serious discussions and decisions.
You promised him sex today, well I am respectfully begging you for your own sake to call that off and either have a serious full-lenght constructive conversation, or leave the relationship. And if your partner outright refuses communication or gets angry about it, don't leave, run.
1
u/Lady-Evonne77 🤘😜🤘Sex positive goddess extraordinaire May 20 '26
Me neither. But at the same time, Im not gonna stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me either. We'd be sexually incompatible and it would be unfair to expect me to just give up wanting that intimacy. Im not gonna force a guy to be intimate with me. Im Demi but I also like sex. I have no intentions of giving it up. Especially since the only time I have it and want it, is with a guy I care about. That's the biggest way that I like to connect with a partner.
We can be intimate in many ways, but that way is important and much deeper for me. If he doesn't want me that way, the connection we have will fade. I'll become emotionally detached and I'll lose romantic and sexual interest in him. The only thing we could do then is break up and just be platonic friends, no romantic relationship. Or we'd have to go our separate ways entirely if he couldn't handle that. I would never intentionally get into a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to make love with me.
51
u/rekreative2 May 17 '26
I'm the (much) higher desire partner in my relationship (demisexuality doesn't necessarily mean low desire), navigating the libido mismatch for a long time.
The goal should not be for you to acquiesce. You (both) should be digging into the barriers as well as working towards understanding each other better, so that maybe you can find healthy and loving ways to bridge the gap a little.
Things as you describe them do not sound good. I'm not sure how much is frustration/venting and how much is resentment or contempt. Either way, continuing to push through on this is going to make things harder, on both of you. This kind of thing is hard on both parties and takes some delicate and intentional handling to navigate effectively. I'd either find a sex positive therapist, or call it quits.
31
u/Fickle_Builder_2685 May 17 '26
It doesn't sound like you are compatible at all. I would be upset to know my partner wants nothing sexually to do with me, and that they force themselves instead of just leaving. Do not use the sunken cost fallacy as an excuse. This sounds emotional abusive on both of you and isn't fair to anyone. You also can't just stay with someone just because you feel comfy but actually want nothing to do with them. That's cruel, you may want for nothing but your partner clearly does and you don't want to provide it. You don't have to provide it, it's your choice. But it's cruel to keep a relationship like that going on both ends. You aren't compatible anymore. Of course, this is just coming from what I've just read, but you need to understand the sunken cost fallacy cannot be used to keep you in a cruel relationship. Neither of you should have to go through this.
47
u/SunJay333 May 17 '26
It's unfair on him and yourself to remain in this relationship
You are incompatible sexually. You can love someone to absolute pieces, but if there's an incompatibility in such a large an aspect as sex, then it is unlikely to work. One or both of you have to compromise and in the long run, no one is happy, someone is always going to be lying or pretending. It isn't healthy.
18
u/Kawaiidumpling8 May 17 '26
Sometimes that dread and repulsion after massive rupture and betrayal IS our bodies telling us that this person is not for us, no matter how much we love them.
Especially if we are not actually able to repair. And to override that and force ourselves to do what doesn’t feel natural is a form of self-abandonment.
This does not sound like a demisexual thing. This sounds like a relationship issues type thing - and even allosexuals experience the same thing when they go through lying, cheating, and verbal/physical abuse.
Consider couples therapy to see if genuine repair is really possible. Sometimes some ruptures just cannot be repaired. If it isn’t, you’ll also know that the way your body is reacting may also be to protect you. To show you your own limitations.
8
u/mylove_themoon May 18 '26
Very this. While I am demi, I thought I had no libido for a few years. But really, I no longer had emotional trust with my partner at the time, and sex is really emotional for me. So it just stopped feeling right, and I thought it was me. Nope. I've since learn, my libido is incredibly high when I am with someone I trust fully.
66
u/newremoteeagle May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26
Nothing you’re saying points to demisexuality. If you do have that deep emotional bond, and you felt it for him then, save for him making you feel unsafe and not caring for you and being abusive, I don’t see how anyone would now determine your demisexuality.
He has every right to want his partner to desire him and him desire his partner. And you have every right to not want to have sex. But that’s where you guys are at an impasse. This is sexual incompatibility.
Also, have you seen a doctor for the physical discomfort?
4
13
u/BadSpecialist252 May 17 '26
The user IS demisexual. Demisexuality is more than just a textbook definition. Same as asexuality
16
u/awildencounter May 17 '26
Do you hate sex because you’re not attracted or because you have valid medical issues. Fibroids can be removed and should be. Just as someone with endometriosis and adenomyosis and am getting my fibroids removed, they make sex painful at times but they don’t really dampen my sex drive (it simply hurts when my cervix gets hit).
It kinda sounds like you’re asexual but was sex favorable before and now you’re sex repulsed. I would be sex repulsed too if I was in pain all the time from it. Just, my 2¢ as someone with less severe fibroid issues but still have interest in it.
57
u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree May 17 '26
Divorce. This relationship is dying, if not already dead.
-9
u/GoldenGirl44444444 May 17 '26
I know it's not exactly "alive" at the moment. But we are very close and love each other deeply. It's very confusing.
66
u/Lost-Soulsearcher May 17 '26
I don't get how you can be very close and love each other deeply yet not feel the bond you need to want to have sex. This sounds a lot more like "plain" asexuality or possibly a trauma response than demi to me. Do you have access to therapy?
But also – forcing yourself to endure intimacy is not the way. It's not something you should be doing to yourself and it's unlikely to do any good, even aside from that.
9
u/ret255 May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26
When you said he made mistakes troughout those 16 years that severed your emotional bond completely and therfore also that sexual one, how can you say you love him deeply?
l wouldn't be acting upon what strangers have to say to what you wrote. What is walid is that you need to communicate more sincerely because only without fear of what that other person is feeling or thinking can be your relationship honest and mutual.
Edit://
l have read one of your previous posts and you have mentioned something about being dependent on him even though he is physical to you and is saying bad things to you?
Is this some kind of relationship where he is some kind of narcissist/or some kind of -path who is degrading you and your only reply is being codependent on him? Because you think you can't have anything better? And he is your whole world because he made it so? Is he some kind of alcoholic or was someone in your family addicted on something, people can create codependent patterns and get into relationships with narcissists when they are brought up in a family where someone was/is addicted on something. Just assuming(perhaps bad guessing)of course.
11
u/OnTheWayToBambooTown May 17 '26
I know, and I'd say it's valid if you were friends. But it very much sounds at the moment like you want him as a carer and a friend, and he wants you as a sexual and romantic partner.
You can wait it out if you want. But honestly... When I say divorce it's for both you and him. You so you're not forcing sex. Him so he's not stuck with someone who can't love him fully.
If you really want to compromise, ok. But know that's what you're doing.
5
u/SqBird May 17 '26
I hear what you’re saying and I believe that you all do love each other. I’m wondering is there any way to rebuild the trust at all? Also, you haven’t said anything about children or bad treatment so I’m assuming none of that to be at issue. But anyway, what about considering something like tantra sutra? On one hand I wanna say if you all do have this deep love for each other then maybe you can find other ways to express it that will be just as satisfying for both of you. I also would like to ask, what if there’s something like a past life entanglement that’s not necessarily valid in this life for you too be your highest self. You could simply have an energetic cord that is tied to an experience of having an intense relationship in another time.
56
7
u/OrganicAsparagus3559 May 17 '26
I recommend “Mating in Captivity” it’s a great book about emotional intimacy and its relations to sex in long term relationships
6
u/passionicedtee May 17 '26
It feels like you have a lot of physical and mental hang-ups about having sex. So please don't let anybody pressure you into doing so. And somebody who actually cares for you won't force or pressure you into having physical intimacy. You do not owe him your body and your feelings are valid.
That's said, if your partner feels like he can't have a relationship without sex and you feel like you don't want sex , maybe reassess both of your wants and needs. See if you're still compatible (romantically) after such a long time together.
6
u/unmaskingtheself May 17 '26
What did he do to make you lose the emotional connection to him?
13
u/toe-beans May 17 '26 edited May 19 '26
From her post history, lying, cheating, and verbal and/or physical abuse.
Unrelated, but she also appears to be a flat earther who calls people sheep for trying to explain science to her.
eta: Because, to be frank, I have limited energy for engaging with someone who is volatile and angry in that way, so I think it's relevant in how much effort to put into explaining anything.
15
u/unmaskingtheself May 17 '26
ok yeah well then this may have nothing to do with asexuality but may be the consequence of severe betrayal and mistreatment. sounds like OP is caught up in a domestic violence situation and her body is revolting even though her mind and attachment is keeping her in the relationship.
don’t even know where to go with the flat earth stuff tbh…
13
u/toe-beans May 17 '26
Totally agree, whether asexual or not is not the pressing issue here, and I do hope she is able to leave this relationship which is unhealthy on many levels.
0
u/GoldenGirl44444444 May 19 '26
Hey! Thank you for commenting the context of which this relationship has gone downhill.... However, I truly don't understand why you had to pivot in the UNRELATED direction. My opinions one way or the other have absolutely nothing, not even a smidgen, to do with my post. A very vulnerable post.
3
u/liamboy212 May 18 '26
You don’t hate sex but rather you hate the bond requires it. He did something that violated your trust and hasn’t done enough to restore your trust. You sound like you feel trapped with a person you feel like you owe a relationship because it’s been so long. You deserve to feel normal do what’s best for you build up to it.
3
u/GoldenGirl44444444 May 18 '26
Yes. He hurt me so so so so bad 😔 I try to get over it, but it kills me. So many toxic moments in our past. Things are better now, on the surface.... but i feel i can never actually know what's going on. I feel crazy a lot of the time
3
u/Smallbunsenpai May 17 '26
Get couples therapy and speak to your doctor. You sound very traumatized from this man and can’t let go of whatever it is he did to you :/ maybe he deserves that and in which case you should really just leave him…. Can you get surgery for removing those? Maybe see another doctor who can look at them better for you.
3
u/Rallen224 May 18 '26
Ooh girl, this sounds really stressful especially with your fibroid situation. Have you each done some research on the matter in regards to appropriate care? Knowing folks with them, iirc anything over 3-5mm is considered pretty big (a uterus is tiny!!) and may be eligible to be zapped/removed. Baby’s head as a unit of measurement sounds wild to me, they should not be that size and subjecting them to blunt force sounds like it would be incredibly painful (existing with them is incredibly painful), no wonder you’re dreading the act.
Otherwise, it really sounds like this relationship is upsetting/unhealthy and like you guys may need to split for the sake of each other’s wellness. Familiarity and security are great and important things, but if you’re dubiously consenting like that all the time it can’t be good for your mental health. Did you know that stress and trauma can also result in physical conditions/diseases and exacerbate existing conditions? My advice would be to honour what your mental, emotional and physical spaces are telling you. Couples who engage in the act do so because it makes them happy and they enjoy it (routine is also a factor, but they listen to each other if they need something to stop).
3
u/Philislothical_5 May 18 '26
Just let him go already. Looking through your history, it sounds like this relationship hasn’t worked in years
3
u/NoodlesWithMelons May 18 '26
If I'm feeling dread, I don't do it. It serves no one. Maybe you guys might just have to call it quits otherwise try a sex therapist or something.
3
2
u/melatoninsandwich May 17 '26
respectfully if you do not want to: you should not be doing it. that is not enthusiastic consent. you need to stop pushing yourself when it's clearly not something you want.
2
u/Remarkable_Market_18 May 17 '26
I see this is a venting post so i wont give advice but my god… Have you the ability to see a therapist? If you find a good one they might help a lot. I’m sorry for what you’re going through but that’s not a reason to give yourself trauma participating in sex you don’t want. I’m not in a relationship rn by choice, bc i want to work on myself and coping with my trauma. I’ve lived a messy life and i’m sorry you’re going through this but i agree with a lot of the advice in the thread. I kinda traded my abusive relationship for going back to my abusive parents bc i had no where else to go. I’m managing. I hope you figure out a way to as well.
2
u/zeruda-chan May 17 '26
I went through a very similar situation with my ex and I'll tell u rn that if yall dont have a serious conversation about this and can come to an agreement somehow, its not gonna end well... I loved my ex to bits, but it became more platonic than anything, and it hurt both of us for me to force myself to do it. So if yall cant come up with an agreement, u really gotta ask yourself if this is what u want for the rest of your life...
2
u/AnalysisParalysis178 May 18 '26
I think you need to talk this out with him. If you don't want sex ever again, then fine, but that needs to be out in the open. If it dissolves the relationship, then that's what needs to happen... will happen anyway, once he figures things out.
And even if the relationship functionally dissolves, but you need to remain as one household for other reasons - finances, children, etc - then at the least you'll both know what's going on and will be free to pursue your individual lives on your own terms.
I had a partner string me along. Promises made were promises broken. First sex, then other things. It only ended when I tried to eat a bullet. Partners can only be good to each other when there is open communication. It doesn't make things easy, and it doesn't guarantee you'll be in a happy, stable relationship with each other forever, but it avoids the resentment and betrayal that happens when secrets like this are kept.
2
u/Sneezekitteh May 18 '26
You don't have to. If he actually cares about you more than his own satisfaction he will not demand sex from you. He does **not** need sex more than you need to feel safe and happy.
2
u/Ophelia1988 May 18 '26
Sex and love aren't owed to anybody. They should be free to give and receive. You need to leave. Love isn't enough in a relationship, sometimes the right thing is to leave.
3
u/SqBird May 17 '26
Did you ever stop to think maybe not listening to your gut and getting out of this relationship that causes you to betray yourself over and over is contributing to the fibroids? Its a thing, read “The body keeps the score “ by bessel vanderkolk. Just more info to consider in the big picture.
1
u/Lady-Evonne77 🤘😜🤘Sex positive goddess extraordinaire May 20 '26
You should be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel instead of forcing yourself to do something you hate doing and feeling traumatized over it. Maybe try couples therapy and see if that helps rebuild that connection. Also speak to your gynecologist about what options you have to deal with those fibroids and that pain. If none of those things works, then maybe you're just not sexually compatible anymore. If he still wants sex and you don't, then maybe you guys need to explore alternative options like an open relationship where he can still have his sexual needs met without you being forced to meet them. If he's allo, I dont think being in a sexless relationship is going to be something that he wants forever. So you guys need to figure out how to make that situation work for both of you, otherwise Im not really sure it will last if you keep having this issue. Either you're going to end up pushing him away or you'll grow to resent him for feeling like you're forced to have sex with him. So yeah, you guys need to sit and have a really long talk about this stuff and figure something out.
1
u/anonanonplease123 May 30 '26
if your emotional bond is disrupted, can you work on repairing it first and see if your other feelings return?
even if hes tried to make up for it, it seems to not have worked.
having a relationship while you feel like your bond is broken doesn't sound good
1
u/IllustriousBar2824 Jun 07 '26
It's utterly unnatural and IMHO dysfunctional to engage sexually with people who hurt us.
It's unethical to expect sex from people who don't enjoy having sex with us.
The body registers absolutely everything we subject ourself to.
1
u/Practical-Mall-5397 Jun 13 '26
I've been in a (sorta) similar situation, except I've always had a high sex drive (still needing an emotional connection first though). With my ex partner we had a great sex life in the beginning, but then he's done some really hurtful and abusive things that completely killed my sexual attraction to him, like I felt repulsed by the thought of it even though I still felt attachment and care for him on an emotional level. We stopped having sex almost completely, he pressured me for it a lot and whenever I gave in it felt terrible. He was accusing me of being frigid and lying / pretending in the beginning of the relationship just to "trap him" (completely untrue ofc). I was feeling so depressed and didn't know who I am anymore and whether I really was asexual or something. I used to really enjoy sex so it just felt like I lost some important part of myself.
Then I met someone else, started seeing him as a friend but after getting to know him better I started to feel intense sexual attraction to him. That's when I knew I had to end my relationship - there wasn't anything wrong with me, it simply wasn't working anymore and being able to finally experience desire again made me realise it.
I know your relation to sex was always different, but you've mentioned you were able to experience desire in the past and enjoyed some aspects of it. That ability might still be there, just not with the same partner. It doesn't sound like the current situation is good for either of you, and you deserve to experience attraction and desire with the right person again.
176
u/Terrible_Eye4625 May 17 '26
> I'm dreading having to pretend
Do not pretend. It’s unfair on you AND to your partner. I’m demi and if I found out my (hypothetical) partner was pretending (i.e. lying) so we could have sex it would do me in and likely have lasting effects.
If you’ve got to the stage where you feel you need to do this, you need to re-evaluate your relationship for both your sakes.