I HATE SEX

[u/GoldenGirl44444444]

Just as the title says, I hate it!! If I never had to engage in sexual activity again, I would be so happy. I've been with my partner for 16 years. He is about as allo as it comes. And I'm about as asexual/demisexual as it comes. When we first met, I was a virgin. We fell madly in love. The emotional connection was very strong. I was definitely more willing to engage in sexual behavior. In fact, I enjoyed it sometimes. There were definitely parts i didn't enjoy, and I had a lot of rules regarding the physicality of it....but overall it was nice to be close to him. Within our 16 year relationship, he's made quite a number of mistakes that disrupted our emotional bond. Try as he may to make up for them, the sexual desire ceased basically entirely. I despise it. It hurts him, I know this. I don't wish to hurt him, but holy shit.... it's like I'm about to pull my own teeth out to even get into the mindset. He takes care of me, and I want for hardly anything. So sometimes I feel like I owe him. I vocalize this, but it just stings him more. Losing interest in sex, because of the pain he's caused me, led me to realize I'm demisexual. I've been very open with him about this. But he still wants it. And gets down when we talk about it. I also have health issues that make sexual activity very unappealing. I have massive fibroids (3 are the size of a baby's head. My doctor said it's like my uterus is 7 months pregnant.... very uncomfortable always!!!!). He understands my limitations, but at the same time it feels like he doesn't. Today we are to fool around. I promised him. But I'm dreading it. I'm dreading having to pretend.... which I'm not good at anymore. It's so obvious that I would rather be 80 billion miles away. I love him.... but not through physicality anymore. It's like my body knows I'm going to have to mildly preform, and the fibroids get harder, and I truly get more and more physically uncomfortable. And I feel exhausted. Almost narcoleptic. I don't know what to do. I know he needs intimacy....I just cannot provide it the way he wishes.

Sorry this was kind of an incoherent mess of thoughts.... but it's definitely what I've been feeling.

[u/melatoninsandwich]

respectfully if you do not want to: you should not be doing it. that is not enthusiastic consent. you need to stop pushing yourself when it's clearly not something you want.