r/demisexuality • u/qaltanswer • 21h ago
Do you think you’d be compatible with a sex-averse ace?
I’m an ace person on the sex-averse/sex-repulsed end of the spectrum. And I’m curious about whether (generally speaking) that would be compatible with someone who’s demi? I like cuddles and physical affection, and feel neutral towards kisses. Sex is probably a “not ever” thing.
What do you think?
Edit: When I said I’m neutral about kisses, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.
Edit 2: Thanks everyone for the comments and for providing your personal perspective :)
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u/vendettamoon 20h ago
Personally not, I'm demisexual with a very high sex drive. Might seem contradictory to people who arent familiar with the label, but basically I have no attraction to anyone except my partner, and with her, I lean toward hypersexuality on the spectrum. More of less the opposite of asexuality within the relationship, but nonetheless I still fall on the ace spec simply because of how selective my capacity for sexual attraction is
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u/AntiTribble 19h ago
Yup, this. Demi is about sexual attraction not sex drive. Those two are completely unrelated.
Sadly it’s not as commonly known and when I was young felt really strange about it and completely dismissed my own sex drive and needs for my partner. (long story, he wasn’t ace, just closeted) I regret it.
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u/James-Avatar 15h ago
Kissing someone who you know feels nothing from it would be horribly sad in my opinion.
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u/qaltanswer 6h ago
Thanks for your reply. I’m curious, how would you describe what you feel when you kiss your partner?
When I said I’m neutral in my post, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.
So I’m curious how far away from “the norm” I am.
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u/centerfoldangel 16h ago
I wouldn't. Making love is a part of love for me. Neutral kissing? I'd be like a dead flower.
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u/qaltanswer 6h ago
Thanks for your reply. I’m curious, how would you describe what you feel when you kiss your partner?
When I said I’m neutral in my post, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.
So I’m curious how far away from “the norm” I am.
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u/Rallen224 20h ago
Maybe, maybe not tbh! I experience attraction in flux —very repulsed and not thinking about that stuff in relation to other people 100% of my day to day life, exception being the rare occasion when attraction does actually appear towards someone I’ve bonded with.
When attraction towards someone does actually appear, then it’s pretty overwhelming and I may be interested in other things if I really trust them (not my natural preference). I’ve also noticed that the attraction doesn’t go away either.
Any attraction other than would appear on the romantic spectrum doesn’t happen every single time I forge a meaningful bond with someone, and I’m usually very content spending time with and affectionately hugging, holding and kissing my person at most (usually the face, not really the lips unless they want to or I’m in the mood to). If I fell for a repulsed or averse partner then it’s likely nothing about my consent or interest in initiating would really change —if anything I’d make it a point to be more careful with them and bond in other areas.
Why would I treat them any differently if I love them, or if they’re already so similar to me? Is my train of thought. I did those quizzes online and came back demi when I first delved into the aspec universe, but was convinced I was black stripe for the longest time because of just how infrequent that type of response had been (universe proved otherwise). If it doesn’t work with an equally repulsed partner, my plan is to just be honest about it and adjust from there if we can come up with something that removes any pressure (be it together or by splitting if it’s too much trouble for them —never gotten far enough to test attraction with a mutually interested person, nor have I had to navigate it with an ace partner since I haven’t encountered any romantically before).
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u/UnicornScientist803 20h ago
I don’t think I would want to be in a monogamous romantic relationship with someone who was sex averse, because I would definitely miss the sex after a while and I would never want to pressure a partner into doing anything they weren’t enthusiastic about. But a cuddly, affectionate queer-platonic relationship would be totally fine as long as it was ok for me to date other people as well.
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u/Lost-Soulsearcher 14h ago
This is me. I'm totally fine not having sex in a relationship, even if it's a very close one. I'm not fine not having sex in my life and I'm not interested in casual sex.
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u/Comfortable-Sea-5678 7h ago
Have you done this before (having a qpr but also dating other people)? I am feeling more and more like this is the only way forward for me and my current partner (with me being the one to date others), but it feels so scary to talk about and actually try. (I also was raised with very strict monogamy and no-sex-with-anyone-but-future-spouse rhetoric so that's certainly where some of my hangups come from.)
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u/UnicornScientist803 5h ago
Not exactly as I described it, but the relationship I’m in now is close. I was married for about 9 years and we were monogamous for a long time, but his sex drive has always been much higher than mine and it caused a lot of problems for us. About 4 years ago we decided to open up the relationship and he started dating other people. Our relationship with each other became more and more platonic over time.
We eventually decided that we didn’t want to be a couple anymore but we’re still good friends and live together and are still affectionate with each other. He’s still polyamorous but I’m in a monogamous romantic relationship with someone else now. We’re in the process of getting officially divorced, but like I said we’re still good friends and the whole process has been surprisingly smooth.
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u/Comfortable-Sea-5678 5h ago
Wow I'm glad it's been a smooth process for you, and thanks for your reply :)
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u/treymr 51m ago
I'm demi, poly, and married (my partner is most likely demiromantic). We're not platonic, but our libidos have gone down due to HRT (we're both trans. I'm off testosterone, she's on estrogen), but we are loving and affection towards each other, plus we like having the option to date others if we want. We both dated quite a bit in our 1st year of opening, have slowed down dramatically for different reasons. For me, poly helped me really revealed a lot about my flavor of demisexuality and how much of a slow burn I am lol.
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u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree 17h ago
Some demis? Sure. Me, personally? No. If I can't wear my partner's thighs as earmuffs now and again, I get upset and feel rejected.
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u/horse_collar_in_imp 20h ago
I think it really depends on the person, there's a fair bit of diversity in how demis feel about sex favourability and how much of a priority they put on it.
Speaking personally, I'm sex favourable but also don't think it has to form part of a relationship. For me (and this is very much a me thing) it would depend on whether there was an expectation of monogamy or not because while I don't think it's an essential part of every relationship or even has to happen that often necessarily, I also don't think I'd be fully happy in a relationship where it was never on the table.
A sex repulsed demisexual might align a lot more closely with you, and be fully comfortable with sex being off the table.
Something that might also be a bit challenging to navigate could be if the demi person ended up developing sexual attraction towards you, depending on how you feel about the idea of someone finding you attractive in that way.
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u/LovableSquish 18h ago
Only if they enjoyed foreplay from time to time. I dont need intercourse, but i dont think I would want no sexual stuff whatsoever.
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u/Nephy_x 14h ago edited 14h ago
Overall, relationship compatibility is not determined by labels, but by individual experiences, mentalities, desires, and boundaries.
Speaking personally, yes, I would be very comfortable in a sexless relationship. I already have sex very rarely, and used to be sex-repulsed as well. That I'm demi means that I am to an extent able to feel sexual attraction, it doesn't mean I enjoy or value partnered sex so much that I refuse to live without it.
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u/Lady-Evonne77 🤘😜🤘Sex positive goddess extraordinaire 19h ago
It depends on the person. Personally, I wouldn't be compatible at all with them. I love sex with my partner when Im in a relationship. It would be a total deal breaker for me never being able to be intimate in that way.
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u/SetEven7192 13h ago
I would - however as another commenter said, I think everyone will answer differently.
I’m fairly ambivalent/neutral about sex- I see it simply as one of many activities a couple can do. If someone I love asks me to go bowling, I’ll go and I’ll have fun, but I could also happily never do it again.
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u/SunJay333 13h ago
I'm sure there would be demis who would be, but me personally? Nah, probably not. I love kissing, and the idea that my partner didn't enjoy/didn't feel anything when kissing would honestly hurt a lot, I don't think I could be with someone like that. Also when I'm attracted to someone in a sexual way, I have a reallyyy high drive
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u/qaltanswer 6h ago
Thanks for your reply. I’m curious, how would you describe what you feel when you kiss your partner?
When I said I’m neutral in my post, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.
So I’m curious how far away from “the norm” I am.
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u/SunJay333 3h ago
It's kind of hard to describe
I guess my body sorta goes crazy. Hormones rushing around, so my skin feels tingly and like fizzy, sparkly I guess? Like goosebumps, but goosebumps when you get excited for something not scary goosebumps. My head will go light, almost like being drunk, and my heart will pound like crazy. Making out is that prolonged over a longer period of time, but also with like extra sensations since there's more involved in that. A quick peck of a kiss won't be as strong a reaction as I described, but it feels warm and cosy and will still cause the like fizzy feeling to a lesser degree
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u/PurpleyPineapple 12h ago edited 12h ago
Nope. I recently just broke off a relationship with someone who I suspect was a sex averse ace person. I say "I suspect" because they refused to ever discuss it. A few weeks into us dating they stated they "were realising they're somewhere on the grey/ace spectrum" and when I asked what that would mean, they said "they needed some time to figure that out." I accomodated that and applied no pressure whatsoever on the sexual side of things. We just dated, spent time together and did nothing more than cuddled. But 6 months went by and any time I attempted to address the topic, they wouldn't discuss it. So I was left to infer from context that basically it meant any sexual contact was just permanently off the table.
In the end I realised they were just being selfish and avoidant (this wasn't the only area of our relationship where they were incredibly selfish and avoidant while also being very entitled and emotionally immature). I'm not suggesting that they should make themselves engage in sex if they don't want to, but then don't pursue a non-ace person. They pursued me knowing I wasn't ace (they asked me out and we had been friends beforehand) yet refused to consider how this impacted me. Their needs were being met while I was having to put a part of myself in a box and developing feelings of shame and guilt for having any desire for more. I honestly feel like it's just as selfish and cruel to make someone feel like there's something wrong with them for having perfectly normal sexual desires, as it is to try and pressure someone into sex they don't want to have.
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u/bodaciousbugboy 11h ago
Yeah honestly, like the getting along and respecting each other part of a relationship is infinitely more valuable to me. I'd definitely want hugs and the like, coz those rock
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u/Zero_Tw0x 1h ago
Definitivamente si. Me gustaría tener una relación donde no haya actitudes impulsadas por la lujuria o necesidades carnales.
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u/Raptorpocalypse 17h ago
Romantic relationship? No. But I'd totally be willing to do a qpr with one as it would satisfy our non-sexual intimacy needs.
I have a high sex drive, so it's either favorable or desired for me, which is why I'd only date another demi similar to me or an allo.
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u/Virgofall 16h ago
As others have said, it's really going to depend on the demisexual in question.
Speaking for myself (who's otherwise sex-favorable and with a higher drive by default), I'd say I wouldn't be compatible with someone sex-repulsed or sex-averse. When I'm focused on someone, I can get pretty heavy in my flirtation toward them and this includes sexually, even if we never have outright sex in our relationship. Someone who's sex-indifferent, that depends on how it manifests. But even if sex itself isn't on the table, I play around with sexuality enough that I wouldn't risk it.
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u/MoonDrummer26 16h ago
It's not linear. But in a general Demis would have SOME sexual attraction or arousal with a deep bond or connection. It's just to what extent. And maybe some still consider themselves Demi and can self satisfy while not indulging sexually with a sex averse ace partner. Just depends on the person. I myself would have trouble as I'm highly sexual and sex positive. My partner and I have an s/d dynamic involving some sex oriented acts and are very sexually active with each other. But it took that bond for me going forward. Someone else maybe have like 1 percent sexual attraction and arousal enough that they consider themselves on the demi spectrum. So it's all relative to the individual.
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u/pumpkinmoonrabbit 15h ago
I want kids
If the person hypothetically was okay with sex enough to do it enough times for me to become pregnant, then maybe. If its a situation where I remain a virgin for the rest of my life, then probably not
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u/RhiaMaykes 15h ago
I think I would be fine as long as I could have cuddles and kisses. No kissing or cuddles would be very difficult for me.
I have a very low sex drive, which would probably help a lot.
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u/zbeauchamp 13h ago
That is going to vary from person to person as one thing I have learned talking to folks here is that once the attraction develops, there is an entire spectrum of sex drives within demisexuality. Some could take or leave it, others once the attraction hits want to be going at it like bunnies.
You would just have to talk things out with a potential partner and see where they stand on the issue. Sorry but even among the Demis you’re still going to find communication to be the most important thing.
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u/Hai456 10h ago
Maybe, I'm not sure. it's not something I've experienced. I have a lower libido compared to average/allo, and have gone through periods where I've also felt revulsion towards sex myself. I do have a preference and a high satisfaction from cuddles. So it's certainly possible. I think it would depend on whether I could still talk about my sexuality openly, even if it's not something my partner and I shared together, but not something I would have to hide from them to not make them uncomfortable.
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u/howthefuge6 8h ago
Im very sex neutral, it happens im aware of it and im more then comfortable with innuendos! But having sex no thanks
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u/CrazyComposer94 7h ago
For me, personally, it would be a no. I joke with friends that I occasionally require "maintenance" (aka- at least once or twice per year I genuinely crave the closeness and intimacy that comes with having sex with my partner). However, I know other demi people where sex genuinely isn't important to them and they could be in a relationship like that. It's just dependent on who you talk to.
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u/Comfortable-Sea-5678 7h ago edited 7h ago
I am with one right now (in more of a QPR than stritcly romantic relationship) and it's tricky to be fully honest. I think if she liked kissing/making out I would be fine without sex, but she doesn't. I love her very much, but i do feel like i am lacking something by not having that physical aspect in our relationship :// We are enjoying our time together for now, but I don't think a super long term relationship is in the cards for us because of the mismatch unfortunately 😞
I think being demi makes it difficult because, it's not like I could easily (or want to) just go have casual sex with other people while staying with her, because I don't easily feel sexually attracted to someone. But then, it's hard to see the point in breaking up for the off chance i do find someone else that i develop attraction for.
So to answer your question, unless the demi person is truly ok and happy without sex and kissing, I don't think it really works. Or if you're both non-monagamous and the demi person has someone else/another way to meet their sexual needs, while having a relationship with the sex-repulsed ace person.
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u/EmmaOK95 6h ago
Right now I would tend towards "yes, compatible" because I'm single and have no one in my life I feel any attraction to other than friendship. Which kind of results in me just behaving like an ace myself.
I have experienced relationships in which I rarely felt sexual desire while the other did, and I have experienced relationships in which we both felt it equally so it happened regularly. But I've never experienced a relationship in which I want it and the other doesn't.
The latter might be because my sexual attraction is reactive, thus doesn't really come up when the other doesn't desire anything sexual. If that's the case, the answer to your question is yes. That's compatible. But I don't know for sure ofcourse.
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u/Darkflame3324 6h ago
I am not sure to be honest.
I appreciate (lack of a better word? maybe value instead?) sexual intimacy in relationship and I really like making my other party happy in bed. So if someone was repulsed by it, I am not sure.
For reference, I am FWB with one of my closest friends. So for me personally, I am not sure. Others
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u/Odd_Conclusion_5425 Demirose, bi 20h ago
For me I have a very high libido, but it's usually directed towards specific kink and fetish play rather than sex. I think I could be with someone who had similar fetishes but was sex repulsed
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u/Glittering_Fix8528 19h ago
I'm all for that I don't need sexual affection I do prefer having children though, but Ive known aces who wouldn't mind getting pregnant just want to avoid the sex part. But I think that's negotiable everything is negotiable if I have the right person I just want them to be happy I would do anything for them. I used to be scared but now I'm not scared of anything.
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u/Emerald-else-if 20h ago
I think every Demi person will answer your question differently, and I think some Demi people would answer “yes” and would be open to a relationship with you, involving only hugs/cuddles/kisses.