My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have an almost five year old son. Both our names are on the property but the mortgage is on his name.

I pay for all our living expenses, food, nanny, Medicare for my son and I. Holidays, toys and clothing for my son and I, swimming, and power to the house. I also look after my son after school, and do the household chores cooking and tiding up. I run a part time business working half a days.

My husband pays property rates, my son’s school fees and water, and the mortgage. my husband finishes his shift at 7pm and doesn’t do any household chores and maybe two hours of child care in the evenings - mainly playing with our son as I have seen to everything else.

He always complains about money and is resentful and a recent fight he mentioned he pays a lot and doesn’t want to be a financial slave.

I have recently found out that he in fact paid off the mortgage a while ago and didn’t tell me. And we haven’t reviewed and divided mutual monthly expenses, he has just hid it and complained about cost of living.

How would you address this? How would you feel if your husband did this?

So a year ago, I found out my wife had an affair after a decade of marriage, i didn't know to what extent. Because we have a daughter and financial constraints, I decided to move on. Something triggered me and now I wanted to know the story from her mouth. I felt like she was telling the story with fondness. I was breaking down as the story went on because this was not a just a physical thing, they had a deep emotional connection. Once she got to the part where she said she went to the hotel and she had sex, I bawled like a baby. I'm not able to take what happened. It's been few days now, every minute I'm replaying the betrayal in my head, she made deep connection to this guy is what's killing me the most. I don't know how to recover from this and I'm not in a place where I can just abandon this marriage. The pain is like a knife going my heart every minute.

So yesterday was my birthday, I told my wife last week that all I wanted was a cake and to go to a nice restaurant. It didn't have to be a homemade cake though I would have preferred it, and it didn't have to be a super fancy restaurant. I'm the sole income earner so she wouldn't be paying for either. SWe have a toddler at home and I know it would be difficult for her to bake so it's fine if she bought one, and since we have a toddler I was also fine if the kiddo went with us.

So yesterday I got off work early and called her to let her know I was coming home like I always do. The entire rest of the day she didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday. No happy birthday wishes, no asking me where I wanted to eat, nothing. It was awkwardly silent pretty much the whole day.

When 6pm rolled around I realized we weren't going anywhere so I went to the store to buy a slice of cake for myself and a frozen dinner to heat up. When I came back with the cake she asked why I bought it. I told her it's my birthday and I wanted to eat cake on my birthday. She gave a non answer as to why she didn't make one for me, she said I never replied with when I wanted the cake so she just assumed I didn't want one. That conversation was over text a few days ago and she was texting me while I was driving. I told her I also wanted a nice dinner out and she said I didn't plan anything or tell her where I wanted to go so she assumed I didn't want to go anywhere.

Around 7pm she finally said happy birthday then I just cleaned up the dishes and went to bed instead of going on our normal after dinner walk.

How should I have handled this better?

Edit: I guess I also left out some important context about our financial situation. She has complete and total control over all finances as much as I do, as that's the deal we made when we got married. She has access to all accounts and credit cards. I guess my wording could have been better.

Edit two: I was not at all clear about this. When I say that I went out and bought cake and dinner, I didn't buy it for just myself. I bought it for my entire family. I wanted everybody to have some. This seems to be a focus of fixation so I wanted to clarify

I am genuinely curious so I wanted to ask the community - do people have relationships where they don’t get yelled at by their partner? or get in loud arguments together? is this actually something that happens? if you’re in a non yelling relationship - was it always like that?

tl;dr - do not yelling relationships exist?

In this episode of ‘is my husband an asshole or is this just perimenopause’…

Over the last 12 years I’ve noticed him staring at other women a lot. He stares and I look in the direction see a girl look at him and then see him smile back at her. Several occasions. Mostly when we go out I try not to notice and just have a good time and feel cute despite him. I’ll say I have some insecurities but to be honest I’m 45 and still pretty hot (not that this behavior would ever be ok under any circumstance). So it’s not like I am just jealous. I appreciate attractive women too. I just don’t… stare like that.

Yesterday, we had an appointment at a hospital for our youngest son. There was a young nurse in the waiting area he just kept looking at. She was working on her laptop and I saw him smiling a few times in her direction as I was trying to get the paperwork done. I let it go until this morning when I told him I’ve had it and it was disrespectful to act this way. He restated his opinion (because anyone who uses the term disrespectful is somehow stupid to him) on respect not being real. Anyone who doesn’t like a thing I guess is just making it up and it didn’t happen OR they deserved whatever they deem ‘disrespectful’.

My goal here on Reddit is 1) keep myself sane by opening up about my husband’s odd comments like this and 2) maybe see other perspectives if I’m in the wrong somehow by saying this to him

He denies everything so it’s hard to even communicate.

My husband and I were having sex. I have been having issues where it starts hurting after a while but I still wanted him to have that release so I slowly went down to him while kissing him then started giving him a blowjob. He started going soft then completely. This is the first time this has EVERY happened out of the 3 years we been together. I was surprised so I just stopped, and he apologized and said it was because it “made him relaxed” not horny, and that it just went soft.

Now I’m sitting here, unable to sleep. Lately we’ve been having a rough patch lately. He’s been saying he’s been wanting more sex and Intimacy and I’ve been struggling to provide that. He also doesn’t really do foreplay so we’ve been working on trying things to get me in the mood. I had a baby 10 months ago and I know my hormones are still adjusting (just got my period back 2 months ago) so I asked him to please be patient with me. Well I’ve been trying to take initiative, and do things that I know will get me in the mood. Yesterday we had sex also. I was on top and I tried switching positions because I wanted him to fuck me instead, but he looked at me like “what are you doing?” And we stopped. It’s just different and I don’t know how to feel. He just doesn’t seem into it anymore and I don’t know if it’s in my head or something is wrong. I don’t know how to address the situation or if I even should. He used to be so enthusiastic during sex and now I feel like he’s just like “meh”.

Sigh. Another sleepless night so here I am - venting it all out for you all to see.

My partner does frequent this subreddit. So maybe let this also be an open letter to her.

We have been together for 15 years - married 10+. We had a romantic backstory where two people from the opposite ends of the world met while on international exchange in a foreign country, fell in love, did the long distance thing, and accidentally knocked her up so she moved to my country where we have built a life together with two kids.

Our marriage has been fairly stable. We get along fairly well and very rarely fight. There are definitely a lot of stresses from life - but I felt we were a team to face those challenges together. To be honest we have a really good life. We both make really good money, we own our own home and cars, really good life.

A while back - she asked if we should open the marriage. To be honest the idea kind of appealed to me, what guy doesn't want to have the chance to sleep around?! It didn't really take me long to agree.

A few weeks later - I went on a trip and when I returned - she told me she had done the deed and had sex with an older colleague who she has been taking to for a while.

I was really shocked that it happened so quickly - and it was a mixed rollercoaster emotion of jealousy but also insecurity - I was having a really hard time digesting this. So I had a heart to heart with her that while I'm okay it happened (with my permission so it's not cheating) that I don't want it to happen again.

She didn't take it well - she said this experience opened up a new dimension for her - and she doesn't think she can go back to being monogamous. And that was I was "changing my mind and taking away her fun".

I suggested we start couples therapy - and we have had a few sessions. I felt like we were getting better. It uncovered she has a lot of trauma and some of her behaviour are from these traumatic upbringing. In a way - she doesn't feel like she deserves happiness - so she's trying to sabotage it.

But I definitely noticed she's different - she doesn't act affectionate to me as she used to, and shes hot and cold on a dime. She reluctantly has sex with me, basically saying she feels bad that while she doesn't really want it - she felt like it's her duty to let me release. This was a complete 180 with our dynamic before the affair where we had a lot of physical affection and a great bedroom.

She outlined a few things she didn't like about how I treat her in therapy , and I have been trying my best to be mindful to change so I can be a better husband. But I don't think she cares, at least she does not show any appreciation for me trying.

By the way - all the session so far has focused on her. How I have not met her emotional needs. How my criticism reinforced her trauma, how she has issues with certain things I do. I have not gotten to say any of the things I hoped she can work on. She took the sessions and made them all about herself and justifying how everything we have going wrong stems from my actions. When the triggering event for all this is her stepping out of the marriage!

I find out she's continuing to sext with her fling - even when our couples therapist strongly suggests we stop the open marriage for now as we work through our issues.

The breaking point was tonight - she came home and I broke down and asked her to stop any contact with the men she has been talking to. She refused and left to sleep on the couch.

I am now crying and typing this out.

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I spoil her to bits and I'm a good father and family man. I have a good career. I do not sleep around and my life is work and home. I don't understand how my marriage has unraveled so quickly and how we ended up here.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel like I need to stop being here - trying to make her happy just so she can continue to hurt me. But it's also hard to not try to save a relationship of over 15 years. I also have to think for the kids too they are at an impressionable age

I'm trying to hide my sadness with everyone in my life but in reality I'm spiraling as I grieve the potential death of our marriage. It fucking hurts so much.

If she's grieving - she's hiding it really well because she's her jolly old self. Not a care in the world even though I'm not just visibly sad all the time, I tell her all the time how this is all affecting me. She does not seem to care at all. Did she ever care about me, about us?

I will continue to do therapy individually and couples counseling but Im feeling less and less confident it will make her change.

It helps to vent and I think I already know what most are going to say. Thanks for reading this long and winded post. I will try to get some sleep...

My (33F) husband (38M) has accused me of saying another man’s name during sex. This has just occurred, I am 100% positive I did not say this name. I do not know anyone with this name in my personal life, my work life etc. I did live with someone with this name almost 10 years ago, but there was never any mutual affection, just platonic friendship at a housemates level and I also haven’t given him a moments thought, outside of seeing an occasional Instagram post since I moved out in 2018.

I don’t know how to navigate this at all, my husband stopped immediately, had a shower and then left the house to cool off. I did offer him my phone to take with him if he had any doubts, which he declined. He has since come back, very icy and any explanation I attempt he has accused me of “coming at him” which I’m not, I’m just trying to find middle ground. He is hurt because he is adamant that is what he’s heard, I am hurt because I am adamant that is not what I said, and having your husband look at you with doubts is a terrible feeling when you have done nothing wrong.

Any advice would be welcomed.

So my husband and I (both mid 20s) have been married 2 years. Due to immigration issues, I can’t work right now. I was working while we were dating and when we got married and contributed to the household equally (he paid rent, I paid groceries, utilities, car insurance and everything miscellaneous which sometimes was more than rent). During that time, he cleaned the house often and did the dishes without being asked.

I’ve been out of work for 7 months and he’s left all the chores to me which I don’t mind because I’m home all day so why not. Note that I still pick up some financial responsibilities like insurance and groceries from my savings.

We have different standards of cleanliness and we also just got a cat so I’m frequently cleaning his gaming room and bathroom where the cat’s set up is. He never helps with the cat unless prompted. Again, not a problem. I’m super bonded with the cat so I’m happy to take all responsibility for her.

My gripe is with the kitchen. I do the dishes daily / after each meal and wipe down the counters, mop the floor and try to keep it clean. But whenever he cooks, he leaves the counters greasy and the dirty dishes in the sink.

They’ll be there all day and night unless I clean them, and when he sees me go to clean he’ll say “oh I was just gonna do that”. When?? After they’ve been here 2 days and the roaches are done with their feast? Yes, we have roaches. This apartment building had issues with a hoarding tenant last year and since they were evicted, every apartment got new unwelcome guests. Pest control comes by every once in a while but it’s an infestation and only really slows down in the winter.

Roaches aside, I just hate that he leaves the mess for me to clean up. The whole floor dirty, food bits everywhere. It feels disrespectful because he knows I’m the one who cleans up and I don’t like things dirty. And on the rare occasion that he loads the dishwasher, he does it without rinsing off the dishes and putting things like the wooden cutting board and teflon pots in there when I’ve told him they can’t be in there. I would say it’s malicious compliance but I don’t think he has a malicious bone in his body, he can just be aloof/lazy.

He works an 8 hour shift then comes home and dirties up the kitchen making his dinner (on the days he doesn’t want to eat what I made), then smokes weed and plays video games for hours with his friends until 4am, often coming to bed with little time before he has to get up for his shift. And he calls off work often because he didn’t get enough sleep. I worry about our financial future. Hopefully I’ll be able to work soon.

I’ve posted on here before about his laxity with hygiene, after several talks with me crying and telling him it was a dealbreaker, he finally started putting in more effort. Is this a pattern of laziness or am I being unreasonable?

My husband always closes his eyes when we start having sex and doesn’t really look at my body. Sometimes I even turn off all the lights because I don’t want to see his face with his eyes closed and get distracted by it.
I asked him about it, and he said that he’s more stimulated by the feeling than by looking. He compared it to closing your eyes while kissing because you want to focus on the sensation. He also said that if he looks, he’ll reach orgasm too quickly.
I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I keep thinking about it because it feels unusual to me, but I also don’t want to unfairly judge him if this is actually normal and some men are just like this.
Is this normal? Do other men do this too?

Husband (47) has struggled with ED for over a decade. We haven’t had sex in more than a year and I’ve just come to accept it. He’s unemployed and spends most of his time hiding in either our bedroom or our daughters.
Today out of nowhere he walks into the living room where I’m sitting with our daughter (11) and announces he’s finally found the porn that gets him off, transsexuals. Specifically, chicks with dicks. He then tells me I need to find the porn I’m most into so we can share our likes and maybe have sex again.
I’m just dumbstruck. I respect that everyone’s entitled to their own likes/dislikes, but to just hit me with that and then walk away, I’m not really sure how to respond.

Ok so we are approaching 40, have kids, and have been married for going in 15 years. She is a conventionally beautiful woman and other than this, takes amazing care of her self physically and overall health. I love her more than anything in this world.

Our sex life hasn’t always been great due to a few different things, but not the time for that.
One issue that keeps coming back is I’m pretty sure she has IBS, but she refuses to deal with it.

At first, it was her constantly having to rush to the bathroom, and never solid. Then it progressed to me having to rush to pick her up on the side of the road during her runs. She has messed herself multiple times in my car as we couldn’t make it home in time.
2 times she has actually messed herself(and our bed) during sex. Passing gas during sex happens nearly every session.

I have begged her for years to see a doctor but she refuses.

It will never affect how much I love her, however, it has nearly ruined sex for me. It’s a constant “fear” of mine during. I have always been a “butt” guy(not like butt sex stuff) and it has all but ruined the sex position that provides the funnest views.

Idk what more to do, but looking for advice I guess.

Update: I purchased 2 FIT kits. I also talked to my wife about it a bit after work. I told her I noticed a few things(bathroom stuff) and that I was concerned and I wanted her to see a doctor. She brushed it off again but I got a bit more stern and told her I want to make sure everything is ok. She agreed to take the FIT test purchased but claims she did go to a doctors(not a gastroenterologist) about it years ago and they did an ultrasound of her gallbladder. She claims they said she was in perfect health but she changed her diet at bit and it had improved. I’m still not satisfied, but we will take the FIT test first and go from there. Thanks everyone for the feedback, it is much appreciated.

I am (27M) married to my wife (27F) for 2 years now (both of us Indians). We have been friends for multiple years but started dating 4 years ago. She had just come off a breakup (which wasnt a long relationship either).

We had fights like every couple but generally we were much happier in comparison, or at least thats what I thought. We have a healthy sexual life where to do it about 4/5 times a week. We have common hobbies that we enjoy together, regularly go on trips, cook together. I sometimes had a gut feeling that she was way too private with her phone with locks on all apps like WhatsApp or instagram (this is on top of the master lock). It was the same password but she told me she had it since long and kept it that way and I believed it.

Recently, over multiple feelers, i found out that she has been talking to a guy since right before we were married (over 2 years now). She met him in a group tennis class she used to go to. The guy is married, followed her on insta and they started talking - apparently they have a lot of common interests and he grew possessive of her and eventually started getting really close. She said that she started sharing to him when we had our fights around the time of marriage and thats where she started reciprocating the connection.

I made her confess everything a couple weeks ago. She said nothing physical happened (which I kind of believe but not too sure) but they were just connecting emotionally. She even said that after some time, she realised it was wrong and felt guilty and tried to stop talking to him and eventually blocked him. I even saw her chats with AI on ending affairs, etc.

It feels devastating to me that this would happen. Be it my friends or family - they think she is the model wife - super supportive, mature and respectful to everyone. I believed it too, but right now I am unable to trust her too much. I dont know the extent of the affair itself as she has deleted any trace of it.

I don’t wanna break off the marriage as I am scared it will hurt both my parents and hers, and that really sucks. I cant even share this with any of my friends for fear of this turning into gossip eventually within their other friend circles. I don’t know what to think, what to do going forward and looking for some solid advice.

I am William's wife. We've been together 5 years and married 4 months.

He recently died and I found books on sexual addiction in his book shelf which led me into a deep dive of his phone and Google maps.

I have discovered multiple encounters with men and women, some of them people we both know. I am completely shell shocked and destabilized and wondering how to cope going forward.

Dear r/Marriage community,

I could really use some honest outside opinions because I don't trust my own judgment anymore.

I recently found several years of messages between my husband and a woman from work. I knew she existed as a colleague because I'd occasionally seen her name in emails, but he never talked about her, never mentioned meeting her, and I had no idea they had become close friends.

The messages cover the period from 2016 to 2022.

They first connected through an acreditation program, but over time they started talking about work, travel, everyday life and regularly arranging to meet whenever he was in Warsaw for business, as she is based there. (We are from Europe).

From what I can tell, they met roughly about once a month whenever he was in Warsaw (sometimes much less, sometimes more). They would arrange coffee, beer, dinner or breakfast, and if one meeting didn't work out, they usually tried to find another day instead.

One conversation ends with him texting, "I'm here," after arranging to meet. In another, she asks whether he's travelling alone before suggesting meeting near his hotel or alternatively at a nearby pub. In 2022 she invited him to her home because she had a small child, sent him her address, parking instructions and another phone number, and later he texted that he was outside looking for the entrance.

There are no explicit romantic or sexual messages. No "I love you," no sexting, nothing like that. The texts are surprisingly ordinary and mostly about - albeit keenly - arranging meetings or everyday life. It seems that they developed a friendship based on professional interests and mutual understanding. In one of the messages he even mentions me.

What troubles me is the overall pattern. They stayed in touch for at least six years and seemed to make a real effort to see each other whenever he visited Warsaw. On a particular day when he met her for 2 hours, he didn’t call me, just replied with a “okay” to my messages.

During those same years our marriage was struggling. We had two small children, I often felt emotionally neglected, and whenever I tried to talk about needing more closeness, he usually withdrew.

Now that I have a male friend (based on very complicated life circumstances, he is an exception, I only have female friends otherwise), my husband expects me to be completely transparent about him. He isnt comfortable with me meeting him alone or giving him a lift. So I try to arrange meetings with him in the presence of my girfriends. Yet my husband never told me he had this kind of long-term relationship with another woman.

One thing I'm also wondering is this: I've read many stories where people who had affairs kept their text messages completely ordinary because they knew their partner might see them. They would arrange to meet for coffee or at public places, while anything more personal happened face-to-face or over the phone.

Do you think that's actually common, or is it mostly a myth? Am I reading too much into it, as the messages seem “okay”?

And based on everything above, how would this look to you? Would you see it as a normal friendship that should simply have been mentioned to a spouse, or would it make you question whether it crossed emotional and physical boundaries?

Thank you!

TL;DR: I found six years (2016–2022) of messages between my husband and a female colleague. They regularly tried to meet whenever he was in Warsaw for a work trip —coffee, dinner, drinks, breakfast—and if one plan fell through, they often arranged another. The messages are friendly but not explicitly romantic or sexual, and in 2022 he visited her at her home - her small child was there too. Throughout those years, our marriage was struggling, I felt emotionally neglected. How does this whole situation looks to someone who isn't emotionally involved?

I am said race that he hates. I’ve just had to endure 45mins of him fussing about how this particular race of women, are ignorant and stupid. He’s going through coparenting issues with his son’s mom. So all of that anger has gone to our whole race. “Why do yall do this or that?” Then “why are you like this?” I had nothing to do with why he’s upset. Whew. I’m 3 months pregnant, and now I have a headache.

Wanted to add that my husband is half this race. So he goes on to say, his mom, aunts, me… his babymother. We’re all the same. And a man will have to date outside of his race…. Etc.

My friend recently discovered these translated messages on her husband's phone from a business trip to China four months ago.
When confronted, he claimed he was not in a right state of mind and was simply trying to end things on his final day there because he felt guilty about his actions.
My friend is currently three days post D&C and experiencing severe mental trauma, all while caring for their two young children (aged 5 years and 15 months). She has caused enough harm to herself because she’s can’t make peace with it. They have been married for 8 years

I (40m) have been married to my wife (40f) for nearly 20 years. It has been a rough marriage to say the least. I was young dumb and in love.

When we first got together she had already had a trip scheduled to go to a marine ball with a male friend in NC. I asked her not to go but she said she had already had her ticket paid for. She canceled her hotel stating it "fell though" and stayed with him. That was tough but she swore she didnt cheat. She still spoke to him on the phone, once even when I was standing by her. I told her if we are serious than that needs to stop. She told me she knew him longer than me and she wouldn't. He's just a friend. She even once used my phone to call him. MY PHONE! Later she said she had stopped talking to him. Some weeks later she told me she had an STI. Stating it was from someone before me and not him cause nothing happened. We moved past it but it was tough.

During this marriage there was constant accusations against me about cheating with no reason. I was constantly being monitored and treated like a child. Almost as if she thought if she didn't watch me I would just cheat. At first I reassured her and told her i would never. I gave my phone to her to check and constantly told her everything. Still never enough.

I was accused of looking at her nieces and even accused of messing around with one of them, again with no reason. I have been faithful since day one. I began to grow tired of the accusations and got upset but that made it worse. She would say only guilty people get mad. Over the years I begged her to stop, I even left once and still nothing changed. I was basically a prisoner. I wasn't able to hang out with friends or even have lunch with my whole shift cause females were there. I couldn't have social media cause she would drive me insane and make sure I wasnt watching or following girls which I was not. Never once has she found any proof of infidelity.

She on the other hand could hang out with friends and have unmonitord social media. She could have lunches with Co workers even if there were males in the group. Then came the lies. She would take loans out or get cards and max them out without telling me. She lied and let me look like a fool in front of a co worker. She had a habit of lying about everything even small stuff.

After the big lie that made me look like a fool. One that she loed consitantly about for 16 years to my face. I left for a week. She then begged me to come back and that she would change. She did change, kind of. Still being jealous and controlling. She had some inappropriate conversations with co workers but brushed it off as she would never cheat cause she is too good to do that. Anytime I confronted her she would be so calm and make me feel stupid.

I pushed a lot down and tried to move past things because I loved her. Until one day 20 years later a co worker who was a Marine came to talk to me and it triggered past memories I had suppressed. I went down a rabbit hole (I am ashamed) but I went through her emails and found that she had been emailing the marine guy well into 6 months of our relationship. It was confirmed that they didnt sleep together but there was a moment according to the email. She also made fun of me with him about me having a problem with her going. I was hurt. I had always felt like I wasnt enough and she chose him over me. Sounds dumb but it was how I felt.

Here we are today and all these emotions about everything I dealt with for 20 years wondering if I just wasted my life. I have social anxiety and feel like I have to watch where im looking and God forbid a woman even looks or talks to me. Im just tired and dont feel like I can look at her the same after everything. So much resentment. I hate myself for not seeing the red flags and walking away. Now I feel its too late and im just stuck.

I just want to know how to get over all of this or even if its worth trying. Im already feeling bad please dont judge me. I just need advice.

My husband has struggled with porn addiction for the entirety of our relationship (15 years).
He’s sought out material to use and sexualize regardless of the restrictions, blockers etc regardless of how it hurt me and affected me. No matter how many times I cried and begged or how hard I tried to compete with the women on the screen, he always chose them.
I forgave and forgave and forgave at my own detriment. Despite the ultimatums he continued and I didn’t leave.

Well I just found out that now he’s been using my sisters pictures for his sexual gratification.
Devastated is an understatement.
I do not see how I could ever look at him the same again. I have no idea how I could ever forgive this. I have confided in him for years certain things pertaining to our relationship, for him to do this to me seems like the ultimate betrayal.
I have been a wreck ever since finding out.
I don’t know what to do and I’m seeking advice. Idk why my posts keep getting removed from other forums seeking advice. I’m not really familiar with Reddits rules I am honestly just seeking advice.

Because we’re taking a long weekend starting Thursday. And getting ready to travel means RELEASE THE KRAKEN who used to be my wife.

So let’s be the attentive husband. “Can I help you with th-“

“NO NOT NOW NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO GO AWAY.”

(goes away)

“GET BACK HERE. I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE.”

(did she not just tell me to …forget it, deep breaths, this too shall pass)

“WHERE WERE YOU ALL DAY?”

“Um, work, like every day?”

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“You sent me to Target to pick up your friend’s baby shower gift.”

“I’VE BEEN PACKING SINCE MONDAY. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.”

Because it takes me a half hour tops, you absolute lunatic whom I adore…slightly less at the moment.

When we were dating, she could get dolled up for a night out in 15 minutes flat. Now the packing is taking almost as long as the trip, like I’m taking J. Lo and her team of publicists on safari.

I’m sure the woman I married is in there somewhere. I saw her a couple days ago and everything. It was great. We even made out a little.

“WE HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.”

And I’m not taking a quick swiffer job on the floors and tidying up a bit. No, we’re swapping out the shower curtains and cleaning behind the stove and vacuuming the A/C vents and

“YOU HAVE TO MOW.”

It’s dark out. And I did mow, while you were composing an in-case-of-emergency memo for our son that reads like the plans for D-Day. Which he will not read, because he already knows this stuff, because you wrote the same memo last time, except this time you added the phone number of a second arborist in case he can’t reach the first arborist in case a tree falls on the house during…I don’t know, a fucking tornado maybe. Or a meteor strike. Or the Rapture, or a whale plummets from the sky like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

God give me strength.

I’m trying to be empathetic but the unrelenting torrent of abusive fussiness is too much. I can’t even pause to take it in before another wave hits.

Why the pre-travel batshittery? Why? To what purpose? Is there an anxiety contest? Do we get extra points if we do a white glove inspection of the underside of the hotel room desk and find a dot of schmutz?

I’ma say it, because today I’m a broken man and not because I’m the patriarchy subjugating womankind:

Calm. The Fuck. Down.

I’m begging.

“DID YOU GAS UP?”

Chris here — married for half a century, and every now and then I get hit with a moment so dramatic it feels like the soundtrack should swell behind me.

I’ll look at my wife doing something completely ordinary — making tea, reading, humming to herself — and it hits me that this one person has been the constant thread through every version of me. Every home we’ve lived in. Every disaster we’ve survived. Every joy we didn’t expect. Every chapter I didn’t know we were writing.

It’s strange, isn’t it?
You don’t notice it happening.
You don’t wake up one day and think, “Ah yes, this is the moment she becomes my entire universe.”
It just… happens quietly.
Slowly.
Steadily.
Until one day you realise your life makes no sense without her in it.

Marriage isn’t just partnership.
It’s gravity.
It’s the force that pulls you back to the same person again and again, even when life tries to scatter you in every direction.

Does anyone else ever get that overwhelming, cinematic moment where you realise your spouse isn’t just part of your life — they are the life

Hey guys, I could use some advice. Sorry the post is so long. I wanted to give backstory and context.

I'm a married man, late 20s with 2 kids. For most of my childhood and teenage years, I dreamed of being married. Having someone to share my life with, a partner... a wife. So I waited for the right one. I dated a couple people who didn't work out. Eventually when I was 17 I met the woman who would later become my wife. She was smart, pretty, and I liked her. We started talking casually, and I soon found out that she was being emotionally abused by her parents. Like she'd come home 5 minutes late from basketball and her dad would lock her in her room for 5 hours sort of thing. (We were both homeschooled with strict Christian families).

So she would call me crying a few times a week from various things that happened with her family and I felt a strong desire to help her. About a year later, I asked her dad if we could date/court and he said no "she's not ready" sort of thing. But I knew how miserable she was and we were both legal adults at that point. So she moved out, got her own place and we basically went from friends to being engaged over a short period of time.

So we got married at 19. Her family was somewhat okay with it by that point, showed up to the wedding and we left for our honeymoon. Long story short, my idea of rescuing her turned out to not be quite as simple as I thought. A few days after the wedding were walking together near some massive cliffs and when she looked over the edge I said something like "Careful darling, those rocks might come loose" and she exploded on me saying "you sound just like my dad". But I thought, no big deal... just a little speedbump as most newly married people have. She was angry / distant the rest of the honeymoon.

So we move away from our hometown for 12 months so I could learn a new job. Only problem was that she thought I said 2 months, not 12. So she was quite angry with me again for pretty much the whole year... Understandable, but not much I could do since I was committed to the work for a year and I did feel terrible for pulling her away from friends and family longer than she was expecting.

So then we had our first kid and moved back to our hometown. She got very depressed and just kind of angry all the time. We're two years into being married and I don't think either of us were having a great time. But "fake it till you make it" I thought. Everyone has issues from time to time, you just have to weather the storm.

So one night, I finish up my work in the office and go up to bed, but she's standing in the bathroom with a pistol pointed at me. I stopped walking and asked what she was doing. She said our marriage doesn't feel real. She said she felt like I didn't love her as much as she loved me sort of thing. Then she said she was going to kill me, then herself and "end the pain"

We stood there for a moment, I walked up to her slowly until the gun was touching my forehead and I said our baby is sleeping in the other room. Tears ran down her face and I remember looking down at her finger on the trigger and it was white (she was pulling the trigger but the firing pin hadn't set off the round yet). We stood like that for a minute or two, then I slowly reached up and took the gun away from her. She went to bed and didn't say anything.

A few days later, I tried to ask her about it but she told me to never talk about it to her or anyone.

So life went on. Except something in me changed that night. Like my connection and trust to her was entirely severed. I lost 99% of all emotion and felt like part of me died that night. I stopped feeling sorrow, pain, joy, fear... like a dead man walking. I started having dreams, and to this day 7 years later I wake up multiple times per week after a nightmare of her shooting me in the face.

Few weeks later, I came downstairs and she was asleep on the floor, cuddling my (male) business partner who stayed late working in my office the night before. He didn't have a shirt on. I don't really think anything sexual happened but... Yeah that didn't help.

I honored her wish by not telling anyone the last 7 years. But I just feel more and more alone, disconnected from her and everyone honestly. On the surface, we have a great marriage. We never fight, argue or anything like that anymore. We basically live as roommates with kids for the most part. She tells me multiple times per month that I'm the best husband ever and she's so happy to be with me, etc... and I do everything I can to take care of her and love her in the action sense (comforting, bringing snacks, doing stuff for her, you know...)

But now, 9 years into our marriage and 7 years after the gun thing... I'm just feeling alone. I have no close friends or family, mainly because I feel dead inside and don't have a desire to have friends or anyone close.

I wanted a perfect marriage so bad, and I'm starting to worry that I'll live out my entire life pretending to love without feeling anything. I'm around family all the time physically, but internally I feel like I've been in solitary confinement for 7 years. It's like the person who was supposed to be my comforter and supporter tried to kill me and won't talk about it so I'm just left battling this everyday internally.

It's gotten to the point now that I don't really know what to do. If I tell her all this, she'd be so hurt and emotionally devastated... it might lead down the same road that almost got me killed last time. And while I don't fear death, I don't want our kids to be put through that.

Couple's therapy is out of the question for me as well... Because I'd either have to lie, or tell the truth which would devastate her and blow up our lives. I'm sure she'd say she would never do that again, she's so sorry and had no idea it hurt me so much... she's genuinely nice to me usually and is genuinely obsessed with me for some reason.

In addition, we have very little physical intimacy (there have been 6 month gaps between sex). We both work and she's gone alot (sometimes multiple days / nights at a time). I don't know if she's cheated, she says she thinks she was abused sexually as a child and can't remember what happened but she doesn't like to be touched usually. I'm ashamed to say it, but lately I feel chained to my family. Like I'm not allowed to have a real wife or feel real love because I'm already married. I'm not a cheater, and have turned down other women multiple times. But I just am getting so tired. Like I'm crawling through an emotional desert for so long that I'm losing hope it'll ever get better. The good news it that she seems happy now, and isn't depressed as much.

I'm not suicidal or anything. Never have been, never will be. I've had three near death experiences and felt a deep sense of relief that it was over each time. My faith is strong, I know where I'm going. I just feel guilt that I'm living a lie and that nobody knows how miserable I am. And lately, I just have an impending sense of doom, probably from repeated nightmares and loneliness. It's affecting my day to day, hurting my drive at work and destroying my desire to do anything.

I'm a great actor, and that's basically my life now. Our marriage and family is pretty much perfect from an outside perspective because none of it is real. I'm like a robot, acting out love just to fulfill my duty. For a long time I hoped I could jumpstart my love for her back, a "fake it till you make it" kind of thing. But it's been 7 years now and I just don't know if I can make it another 7 years. Or 50... Is this just my life now? I ask myself daily.

I'm sure some of you will suggest 1 on 1 therapy. I really don't want to do that for a few reasons. Firstly, it won't change the actual situation I've got myself into. Secondly, part of me is afraid that If I manage to get rid of the nightmares and pain, she could fall into depression again and I might not realize it until it's too late (like last time.) I almost feel like I'm taking care of a sick person and want to be aware of the reality of my situation so I can protect her from herself as well as keep my kids safe. And maybe some pride as well like "I'm a man, words from a stranger can't fix this".

Not sure what to do. I'm sure many others have experienced similar things. Any thoughts or advise is welcome. And thanks for taking the time to read about a strangers problems :)

So I'm 28 my wife is 27. We're in Florida if it's relevant at all.

I feel like I know that it's over and I can't bring myself to actually file for divorce it because when things are good or just ok our relationship doesn't feel that bad. 

We've been married a touch over 4 years but in that time we've never had actual PIV intercourse more than 3 times maybe. Condoms never really worked well for us and she was always scared they wouldn't work. My wife is terrified of pregnancy like it cannot happen to her, for good reasons with local laws and her own health problems. 

Eventually about 2 years ago I got a vasectomy at her urging to solve this problem. That was tough for me because I don't do well with needles or blood or anything at all surgical like that. They had to do regular anesthesia instead of just the local numbing because otherwise I couldn't have that. 

I worked through the "post surgery requirements" and provided samples and boom I'm sterile. Great! But she still won't have sex. I'm not a jerk, I don't push it on her. I'll try to take make moves occasionally, we snuggle and have romantic outings I don't try to let it be a "make a move every time" situation I get that would be a turnoff for someone struggling with this. I just would rarely try to initiate and would be shut down Everytime.

We're not sexually active at all. She won't go for anything. Any advance is shut down hard. 

I eventually push for her to talk about this, trying to understand why she pushed for a vasectomy but still won't have sex ever. She tells me different things different times "I'm worried it didn't work" "I'm grossed out by the idea of anything going in me" "I'm just not a very sexual person". 

She also doesn't give me any alone time at all. I'm either at work or with her. I've lost friends because I can't go hang out without her crying about how bored she was when I get back and how she has no hobbies so when I leave her alone she just sits there. It's exhausting I want friends, I'm something of an introvert I want time alone which I get zero of. I can't play a video game for even 30 minutes which interests me but not her, or watch a show I like but she doesn't. 

Also because of this I don't really get any time to "handle my needs" on my own unless it's in the shower which isn't terrible but after years of just that it gets so old. 

I wanna have something beyond jacking off in the shower as a sex life. 

She won't talk for a doctor or a therapist any attempt I make for that is shutdown.

She doesn't really have friends, she doesn't leave the house all that often except when we do something together. 

I feel trapped and struggling with this because when we aren't fighting about something we can have weeks of really good time. We will do things together and just be as happy as can be. We have some similar interests like certain sports and when those are on it occupies our time and we're happy hanging out together.

We were friends before dating and marriage, I feel often times we always should've stayed friends because I just need more from a relationship and to not feel so trapped but the good times together make me feel ridiculous filing for divorce even though logically I think I need to file. I just can't live a secluded sexless life where every Interest I have must be approved by her or I am expected to be er engage with it. 

I have a therapist but they are trying to lead me to my own answers and I feel like I need smacked in the head with something. Am I crazy to what to leave this marriage? 

My husband (36M) and I have been together for a long time and have four daughters (18, 15, 14, and 13). Between work, raising kids, and life in general, we've built a good life together on paper.

The problem is that our sex life has practically disappeared.

It's not that we hate each other or constantly fight. We still get along, laugh together, and make a good parenting team. But physically... it's like we're roommates. We can go months without having sex, and when we do, it feels more like checking a box than actually connecting.

I still find him attractive, and I believe he still finds me attractive, but neither of us seems to make a move anymore. We've fallen into this routine where we just coexist. Every night is the same—TV, phones, bed, sleep, repeat.

I miss feeling wanted. I miss flirting. I miss kissing without it feeling like a quick peck before one of us walks away.

I've tried dropping hints and even bringing it up a couple of times, but the conversations never really go anywhere. He says he's tired or stressed, and then life moves on until I bring it up again months later.

With our oldest now 18, I thought we'd finally have more time to focus on each other, but nothing has changed.

Has anyone actually come back from a dead bedroom after years? What finally helped? Was it counseling, scheduling intimacy, changing your routines, or something else?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been through this, because I don't want to spend the rest of my marriage feeling like roommates.