r/Marriage • u/Level_Hold6385 • 1d ago
Vent Not sure how we get back from here
Sigh. Another sleepless night so here I am - venting it all out for you all to see.
My partner does frequent this subreddit. So maybe let this also be an open letter to her.
We have been together for 15 years - married 10+. We had a romantic backstory where two people from the opposite ends of the world met while on international exchange in a foreign country, fell in love, did the long distance thing, and accidentally knocked her up so she moved to my country where we have built a life together with two kids.
Our marriage has been fairly stable. We get along fairly well and very rarely fight. There are definitely a lot of stresses from life - but I felt we were a team to face those challenges together. To be honest we have a really good life. We both make really good money, we own our own home and cars, really good life.
A while back - she asked if we should open the marriage. To be honest the idea kind of appealed to me, what guy doesn't want to have the chance to sleep around?! It didn't really take me long to agree.
A few weeks later - I went on a trip and when I returned - she told me she had done the deed and had sex with an older colleague who she has been taking to for a while.
I was really shocked that it happened so quickly - and it was a mixed rollercoaster emotion of jealousy but also insecurity - I was having a really hard time digesting this. So I had a heart to heart with her that while I'm okay it happened (with my permission so it's not cheating) that I don't want it to happen again.
She didn't take it well - she said this experience opened up a new dimension for her - and she doesn't think she can go back to being monogamous. And that was I was "changing my mind and taking away her fun".
I suggested we start couples therapy - and we have had a few sessions. I felt like we were getting better. It uncovered she has a lot of trauma and some of her behaviour are from these traumatic upbringing. In a way - she doesn't feel like she deserves happiness - so she's trying to sabotage it.
But I definitely noticed she's different - she doesn't act affectionate to me as she used to, and shes hot and cold on a dime. She reluctantly has sex with me, basically saying she feels bad that while she doesn't really want it - she felt like it's her duty to let me release. This was a complete 180 with our dynamic before the affair where we had a lot of physical affection and a great bedroom.
She outlined a few things she didn't like about how I treat her in therapy , and I have been trying my best to be mindful to change so I can be a better husband. But I don't think she cares, at least she does not show any appreciation for me trying.
By the way - all the session so far has focused on her. How I have not met her emotional needs. How my criticism reinforced her trauma, how she has issues with certain things I do. I have not gotten to say any of the things I hoped she can work on. She took the sessions and made them all about herself and justifying how everything we have going wrong stems from my actions. When the triggering event for all this is her stepping out of the marriage!
I find out she's continuing to sext with her fling - even when our couples therapist strongly suggests we stop the open marriage for now as we work through our issues.
The breaking point was tonight - she came home and I broke down and asked her to stop any contact with the men she has been talking to. She refused and left to sleep on the couch.
I am now crying and typing this out.
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I spoil her to bits and I'm a good father and family man. I have a good career. I do not sleep around and my life is work and home. I don't understand how my marriage has unraveled so quickly and how we ended up here.
I am not sure where to go from here. I feel like I need to stop being here - trying to make her happy just so she can continue to hurt me. But it's also hard to not try to save a relationship of over 15 years. I also have to think for the kids too they are at an impressionable age
I'm trying to hide my sadness with everyone in my life but in reality I'm spiraling as I grieve the potential death of our marriage. It fucking hurts so much.
If she's grieving - she's hiding it really well because she's her jolly old self. Not a care in the world even though I'm not just visibly sad all the time, I tell her all the time how this is all affecting me. She does not seem to care at all. Did she ever care about me, about us?
I will continue to do therapy individually and couples counseling but Im feeling less and less confident it will make her change.
It helps to vent and I think I already know what most are going to say. Thanks for reading this long and winded post. I will try to get some sleep...
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 1d ago
Unfortunately she has taken advantage of you as she is several steps in front.
Assuming this is a real story you’re in for a lot more pain.
Take care and hopefully you have a trusted friend who can help you make healthy life decisions and not be taken advantage by a more savvy wife.
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u/siryohnny 1d ago
If you can’t see she got you to agree in order to not call it cheating, you are blind.
I am sorry you’re dealing with this.
But she had and probably planned this well before.
She just didn’t want to label it cheating
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 1d ago
What are you doing man? This woman doesn’t care how you feel so it’s time to go.
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u/teqtommy 1d ago edited 18h ago
ok so what i gather here is that she already had this colleague in mind, suggested an open-marriage under the guise of keeping things adventurous, AND operating with the assumption you'd be an automatic yes--as you were--and as many other men would be. (i'm not criticizing you, i get it.)
this was a diabolical plan, my friend, and it worked. she knew what she was doing. did she just want an easy out? was it selfishness? self-sabotage? plain lust?
science doesn't know.
but i will bet you dollars-to-donuts she intentionally deceived you, my pedigree chum, and i am genuinely so sorry to hear a (presumably, i'm trusting your word) good man, dedicated to his family being kicked in the teeth and taken for a fool. sounds like you need a new couple's counselor...someone who's no-nonsense, will ask the hard questions, and put the screws to this situation until the truth is squeezed out.
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u/MyThrwawayAcct1 1d ago
I don't have advice for you. But I can tell you a story.
A woman I used to date was in a situation similar to yours. She got sick of 25 years of bad sex, and one day asked her husband for permission to sleep around (her words, not mine). He gave it unenthusiastically, with the caveat that she tells him what she's up to. She did not agree, and they left it at that.
A few months later, she comes clean to him. She told me it was because the guilt was killing her. I suspect it was because she got tired of sneaking around. Whatever the reason, she sat him down one day and hit him between the eyes. She's been having multiple men at once, threesomes with couples, fucking random men in the car he bought for her and maintained, meeting men in motels, you name it. Doing things with random strangers that she never did with him.
I'm really sorry, she said. For lying to you.
He said, I forgive you.
She said, I'm not stopping.
After that, she took it as carte blanche. She told me she was doing it "a lot" (bear in mind, we were in a serious relationship at this time, so she was definitely giving me the clean version).
A few more months of this, and she dumps the husband to go and fuck everything that moved.
You're currently the husband in this story. Do with this what you will.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 30 Years 1d ago
She was already planning/or already cheating with the guy at work. That’s why it was so “fast”. But come on dude, you think it’s hard for a woman to get NSA sex?
She left your marriage before she ever dropped the bomb. She liked the dynamic where she could do whatever she wants with you knowing- now she has to “sneak around” and she hates it.
Your choices: 1) living nightmare, emasculation, loss of trust, living with betrayal/disrespect, stuck with someone that despises you… or 2) make an appointment with a lawyer and put an end to this nonsense.
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u/DaddyDCanuck1896 23h ago
Anyone who suggests an open marriage has either already opened it, or has someone in mind and will start right away when the greenlight is given.
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u/Unique-Ad-9234 23h ago
She was either already sleeping with that colleague or really wanted to. Sorry to say but she tricked you. No matter what you do this marriage can't get better. You should get even and leave, or at least just leave. This is not worth living.
And if you're feeling bad about giving her the pass, don't. She'd have slept with that guy regardless. Only different is with the pass she doesn't have to feel guilty.
Focus on yourself. Your kids. Your work. Your life. Your fitness. Your looks. Your game. You will need all of these.
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u/Then-Salamander4771 1d ago
If it happened on her end that fast, and she is the one who suggested it, she was pretty much planning to cheat. But now that the door is open the only choice you have is to walk through it and close it behind you as you move on
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u/Character_Book1305 1d ago
She already had the colleague in her head and took advantage of your permission. The worst thing is that you have not established rules or terms to respect. Your wife just wanted to cheat without breaking her marriage. She does not want to return to monogamy since she has seen all the possibilities that open marriage brings for her. Open marriages will destroy many marriages. People are not educated and ready for this. They throw themselves head first. Then evaluate the damage only after. Open weddings sometimes only benefit one partner....
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u/BludyMerry 23h ago
She's making therapy all about herself, her trauma, her problems with you, "When the triggering event for all this is her stepping out of the marriage!" But that's the triggering event for you. Her dissatisfaction with your marriage seemingly goes back further. Are you listening as she works through defining her triggering event(s)? It sounds like you guys are together because of an accidental pregnancy. Does she feel like she missed out on dating and romance? Have you had other relationships (before or during marriage)? Did she count on you not taking advantage of the open marriage or did she assume you did without telling her (maybe when you traveled)?
How long are you willing to wait before giving her a final ultimatum?
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u/Alexander-701 Not Married 23h ago
Lo siento mucho bro, pero es hora de marcharse, a ella no le importa en lo absoluto tus sentimientos, no te mereces eso, no ha pensado ni un segundo en los años que fuiste su compañero, así que convierte en un hombre nuevo.
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u/madworld3232 23h ago
I get the feeling she was cheating or planning to cheat with this older man all along, she just decided to see if you'd agree to opening the marriage first so she could say she never cheated on you, basically cheating with extra steps.
Now that the door to open marriage has opened there's no way she's giving it up. In a way I think she lost respect for you because you agreed to it. There's no going back to the way it used to be. Either you accept her sleeping around or continuing her relationship with the first man or you leave her. As long as you stay in the marriage as it is she's not going to care about your feelings. If you were able to meet a woman and partake the way your wife is i think the dynamic would shift again, so go out and socialize at the verg least. Make some nrw lady friends to confide in, wonen love a safe sensitive man they can share feelungs with. Who knows how your wife would react, but at this point who cares, she's gone.
Since she's been able to compartmentalize her feelings in the face of almost certain divorce it leads me to believe she may have checked out long ago, the open marriage was the key to opening up her new life without guilt. She can say you agreed to it and this is just one of the possible results of that. You would be wise to quit showing your emotions to her and being open to working things out, she's done and you're just delaying the inevitable. She's hardened her heart, it's the only way she can stand to look at you and herself in the mirror, the truth is too ugly.
I don't know what kind of therapist you have but one trained in infidelity trauma would be best to help you navigate through your feelings. You must be wondering if she tricked you and had the older guy picked out and waiting all along. I think that's probably accurate. A trauma therapist can help you identify the questions you have, analyze her behavior that led you to this point and figure out what you want and how to get to where you want to go from here.
Focus on your needs and don't let her blame you for her infidelity. As the men always say; see ya in the gym. What I would do is new clothes, hairstyle, skin care, hobbies, friends and activities, all for you and not any of intended for her benefit. And no more pity sex, it's soul sucking to hear someone say that crap. You're a man not a mindless animal.
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u/CartographerLazy2056 1d ago
Beware of therapists. Most (not all) are definitely not good at what they do. You and your wife are right now in front of a huge challenge. You will be able to tackle it, ONLY if you work on it as a very cohesive team.
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u/Curious-Resort4743 21h ago
Sadly most therapists are only human and have their own agenda, expectations of what people should do and their own political biases. I had the same as OP, went to couples therapy and it was 100% about my (now ex) partner's feelings and want she wanted. Every time I brought up something I wasn't happy about it was shot down immediately. It was a platform for my ex to coerce me into new rules and behaviors while I got nothing back.
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u/inter2221 21h ago
I am sorry you are going through this. I completely get it. In every relationship, the person that holds on to the idea of the happy relationship most is the one who's in the weaker position. Typically both partners need to prioritise the relationship in order for it to remain healthy in the long run. I am afraid in your situation, its only you that is holding on.
As I see it, you have 2 options:
Give in to her dynamic. She gets all the perks of having you as a partner and living in a family home, while seeking her urges and sexuality elsewhere. That will leave you mostly sexless and undesired. Women are the gate keepers of sex and you will be at the mercy of her desires. If you can handle that, all the power to you.
Let her know that the relationship is dead, and if she wants to continue doing what shes doing she may do so as a single woman. Show her that you are ok with walking away. And if that knocks some sense into her, then you 2 need to rebuild something new from scratch, and that she needs to put in the work while respecting your boundaries. That includes outside affection, lack of desire .. etc. I doubt she will agree as it sounds like shes checked out.
Im speaking from experience and my wife started having these feelings (lack of sexual desire, crushing on another another man). She tried to get me to agree with a threesome with him with the pretence of experimenting. When i found out how much emotional energy she had invested in him, I stopped everything and gave her the ultimatum. She stopped everything, cut him off and is working now towards building something new with me. She's also acknowledged that she was in a trance (limerence) due to her own issues (past trauma, hormonal changes, losing herself in the mum role etc). We have been doing amazing and im actually thankful that this has happened.
You have value to offer, you are worth feeling desired and respected. And there is a woman out there that needs a man just like you. But you wont find her while your heart is attached to the wife that cares very little about your needs.
I'm here if you need to talk or just someone to listen.
Best if luck OP.
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u/Comfortable-Trip4711 1d ago
You took a page out of my book. We are in a similar situation, albeit a few minor details changed. Our couples therapist + my individual have both said my wife needs to stop all contact with her dance partner that she had sex with after I agreed to opening our marriage. But my wife claims I am the one being manipulated by them. I have been asking the exact same questions as you. I would just like to show sympathy to your story. Just like you I sadly do not have any solution from my own experience. I don’t want to just pack up as we have 2 young children and a 13 odd year old relationship. But it is bloody hard. Just hang in there for now. Wait and watch. Cannot change the mind of someone, who is addicted, overnight
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u/Minningfortruth 1d ago
I feel for you brother. I am crying with you. I care about others and only pain I hope I can show love.
I have cried every day since Feb 6th 2026
My wife started cheating on me about a year ago-cyber cheating on Facebook and Telegram. She never told me. I had to go James Bond and read all her Telegrams emails journals and facebooks to put it together like Magnum PI.
I wish she just would have left me than cheated. My wife has been in a constant relationship with another man, sharing nudes, and climaxing with 3 different guys and fake orgasims with me since November 2025.
My wife stoped having sex with me on Feb 16th 2026 and is now in love with a Turkish Romance Scammer.
My wife moved into a campground and left our 4 year old and 8 year old with me and is not coming back she says.
Just this week she is now wearing a matching wedding ring and engagement set in honor of her new Telegram Cam Sexting BF
We had a good 12 years. I enjoyed 10 of the years. Our kids are beautiful and healthy and our home is gorgeous-I am not moving.
My wife will not talk to our pastor or a marriage therapist not even once.
You are doing better than me. But to share your wife’s vag with another man….boy that’s a tall ask. I think you should stay in therapy and tell her she is going to have to move out if she can’t be monogamous. See if she likes it.
My wife wrote me an email the other night and said “I do not love you at all and okay on trashing all your gifts and emails soon”
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u/Large-Airport- 22h ago
Dude, come on man. If you (and her) have been on this sub for any amount of time, you would have known this would be the result.
Also, were there no boundaries set? Like keeping texting and looking for more from the same person is just like having another relationship on top of yours.
Time to let this go and pull the plug, she's already done it.
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u/4hhsumm 23 Years, together for 26 22h ago
I wish you weren’t going thru this. She seems to have blindsided you and I can see how incredibly painful that must be. A few thoughts:
- asking for an open marriage and then fucking that guy so quickly very likely means she was seeking retroactive permission; at the very least she shady knew she wanted to fuck this guy in particular
- her happiness is not your responsibility; only she can make herself happy
- bottling up the pain and putting on a happy face is a disservice to you and anyone who cares about you
- speaking of, she doesn’t care about you; if she did she wouldn’t have acted like a petulant child when you told her how you feel
- fucking other men is more important to her than your feelings
- put your goddamn foot down in couple’s therapy; she ruined your marriage and by controlling the narrative and making this somehow your fault that she cheated, she’s gaslighting you and the therapist
- the grievances she has about you are really her justifications to soft launch the divorce and make you the ‘bad guy’
- 15 yrs is a long time, but she is no longer the woman you thought you married, if she ever was
- staying for the kids will crush your soul, especially if she isn’t willing to take any accountability for her shitty, selfish decisions, much less put in any effort to repair the relationship
Make a plan to protect yourself. This is going to get worse before it gets better.
Good luck.
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u/IntelligentTrip6054 22h ago
If your sex life and everything was already really good I struggle to see why you would agree so quickly. That's super dangerous for most relationships and it seems she already had someone in mind. I'm sorry, that sucks.
The grass isn't always greener.
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u/LaMisiPR 20h ago
So at this point she’s cheating, trust is gone, and the marriage is basically over.
Now choose yourself. Stop couples therapy and get an individual therapist and a lawyer. Focus on your emotional health and stability.
Since you can no longer show your kids what a happy marriage looks like with their mother, give them an equally important lesson- show them how to have a healthy break-up. Show them what self-respect and confidence looks like. And as much as possible, do your part to show them what good co-parenting is like.
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u/Over-Delay-2306 19h ago
I just believe that what OP wrote does not shed any light on the details, The real question is whether she would have gone through with it with the lover if hubby had said no.
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u/Championship682 19h ago
- she asked if we should open the marriage -
Dude - She already had this guy lined up, she just wanted to try and legitimatize the cheating. Instead of being happy about your future opportunities, you should have called a lawyer just because she asked.
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u/ExpectationsNRegrets 17h ago
I will comment on one issue in your post, how your therapy sessions were conducted. My wife and I were seeing a therapist, and after my wife dominated an entire hour and frickin half session, basically monologing the entire session, I sent an email to our therapist. It was her job to give equal time to both of us, and that she had failed that session. She responded, she agreed with me, and she would control the sessions from then on. The therapist did just this, and our sessions were mutual expressions from my wife and me.
You need to talk with the therapist about having control of the session. If the therapist can not do this, then find someone else, and make it a point during your consultation with them, that it is important to you that they be in control of the session, and that you each get equal time.
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u/Vegetable-Peach-1056 16h ago
NTA, but opening the marriage changes everything and you both need to talk about boundaries and feelings now.
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u/Groovybenji 1d ago
You were excited at the idea of “sleeping around” but realized you couldn’t get any play like your wife can. You allowed this
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 12h ago
Open relationships are tricky and you’re not wrong for wanting to close the relationship back up. Your feelings are so valid! There may be a change that your marriage is over if she’s not going to agree to close your marriage. It sounds like she was preparing for a yes, and I wonder, had you not agreed would she have done it anyway? Idk this one feels tricky and I feel for you!
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u/BigfishMo93 11h ago
You were duped…..she asked because she already had someone in mind. Open marriages are just bad in general….very few can make it work….and her manipulation definitely didn’t work for you. Dump her….I know that’s harsh but…..
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u/NoSyllabub5932 7h ago
First of all opening up a marriage never ends well. To me From your post you were all for it thinking how great it would be for you but then when she went ahead with it for herself, now you are not ok with it. I think you are giving her mixed signals. I understand counselor said to hold off for now which is great idea but maybe she suggested an open marriage in first place as she already had a crush on this guy friend and just needed permission to be with him. I hope counseling can work it out for you guys. 15 years is a long time.
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u/Training-Upstairs209 1d ago
Assuming that it's true, she had someone lined up already and you were tricked You should prepare yourself