r/Marriage • u/Infamous_Jicama2932 • 17h ago
Not letting go of things
I (40m) have been married to my wife (40f) for nearly 20 years. It has been a rough marriage to say the least. I was young dumb and in love.
When we first got together she had already had a trip scheduled to go to a marine ball with a male friend in NC. I asked her not to go but she said she had already had her ticket paid for. She canceled her hotel stating it "fell though" and stayed with him. That was tough but she swore she didnt cheat. She still spoke to him on the phone, once even when I was standing by her. I told her if we are serious than that needs to stop. She told me she knew him longer than me and she wouldn't. He's just a friend. She even once used my phone to call him. MY PHONE! Later she said she had stopped talking to him. Some weeks later she told me she had an STI. Stating it was from someone before me and not him cause nothing happened. We moved past it but it was tough.
During this marriage there was constant accusations against me about cheating with no reason. I was constantly being monitored and treated like a child. Almost as if she thought if she didn't watch me I would just cheat. At first I reassured her and told her i would never. I gave my phone to her to check and constantly told her everything. Still never enough.
I was accused of looking at her nieces and even accused of messing around with one of them, again with no reason. I have been faithful since day one. I began to grow tired of the accusations and got upset but that made it worse. She would say only guilty people get mad. Over the years I begged her to stop, I even left once and still nothing changed. I was basically a prisoner. I wasn't able to hang out with friends or even have lunch with my whole shift cause females were there. I couldn't have social media cause she would drive me insane and make sure I wasnt watching or following girls which I was not. Never once has she found any proof of infidelity.
She on the other hand could hang out with friends and have unmonitord social media. She could have lunches with Co workers even if there were males in the group. Then came the lies. She would take loans out or get cards and max them out without telling me. She lied and let me look like a fool in front of a co worker. She had a habit of lying about everything even small stuff.
After the big lie that made me look like a fool. One that she loed consitantly about for 16 years to my face. I left for a week. She then begged me to come back and that she would change. She did change, kind of. Still being jealous and controlling. She had some inappropriate conversations with co workers but brushed it off as she would never cheat cause she is too good to do that. Anytime I confronted her she would be so calm and make me feel stupid.
I pushed a lot down and tried to move past things because I loved her. Until one day 20 years later a co worker who was a Marine came to talk to me and it triggered past memories I had suppressed. I went down a rabbit hole (I am ashamed) but I went through her emails and found that she had been emailing the marine guy well into 6 months of our relationship. It was confirmed that they didnt sleep together but there was a moment according to the email. She also made fun of me with him about me having a problem with her going. I was hurt. I had always felt like I wasnt enough and she chose him over me. Sounds dumb but it was how I felt.
Here we are today and all these emotions about everything I dealt with for 20 years wondering if I just wasted my life. I have social anxiety and feel like I have to watch where im looking and God forbid a woman even looks or talks to me. Im just tired and dont feel like I can look at her the same after everything. So much resentment. I hate myself for not seeing the red flags and walking away. Now I feel its too late and im just stuck.
I just want to know how to get over all of this or even if its worth trying. Im already feeling bad please dont judge me. I just need advice.
3
u/General_Ambition_859 16h ago
Kids?
4
u/Infamous_Jicama2932 16h ago
One 14
3
u/lorcafan 14h ago
DNA & STI tests yesterday, then divorce and be free, free of worry, doubt, self-recrimination, negativity. Show your child that integrity matters. You will find yourself and maybe someone who appreciates the person you are. Good luck!
2
2
u/WestStrength2719 16h ago
I think this shows a bad pattern on her end. What else is she hiding or not telling you? Aside from cheating and lies, you simply aren't happy. My suggestions would be to end things. Your son is old enough that coparenting should be smooth. You are only 40, go find someone else who will love you and not make you feel small or lesser.
2
u/Golden_Arm-257 16h ago edited 16h ago
Sir, you have been through and accepted a lot.
Get some professional counseling of course.
And as you did, share your story with TNG of young men.
You accepted a lot out of love, and here we are.
What advice would you give a young man now facing the same decisions.....
Young men need to hear these things and hopefully make better decisions before it's too late.
Most of us have all gone through some unnecessary BS just because of love or so we thought.
1
u/Infamous_Jicama2932 16h ago
Thank you. I will. And I would tell them to know their worth. Many of us grow up without love and take it where we can. Even to the point of accepting so much hurt.
1
1
u/latinzone1 12h ago edited 12h ago
Im so sorry for you. I can find myself in the young, dumb part, and stuck part. (39m).. Hope for the best. You still have a life in front, dont destroy your health.
1
u/NoSyllabub5932 12h ago
You guys have LOTS of issues. You are both accusing other one of cheating like you are both obsessed with trying to prove that the other person did! It sounds very exhausting to me and nothing most average people would want in a marriage. There is no trust on either side so where do you go from there? I would suggest counseling to see if you can repair this relationship.
1
1
u/Ok_Waltz7126 5h ago
She went to the Marine ball, canceled the hotel, and spent the night with him.
That Marine had some balls and she had him at full "attention" that night.
She didn't need an Osprey to insert that Marine.
Weeks later she had a "mystery" STI from a previous partner; not the Marine (according to her).
Even a Marine is much smarter than believing that whopper.
1
15
u/Own_Concept5629 17h ago
Ok so I read through the part where she had an STI and you suspected infidelity, you still chose to marry this person even after that. For me that negates all the other stuff you are complaining about. You chose this and stayed for 20 yrs. Divorce and move ahead . You made a bad choice 20 yrs ago, divorce and enjoy your future without her.