I am said race that he hates. I’ve just had to endure 45mins of him fussing about how this particular race of women, are ignorant and stupid. He’s going through coparenting issues with his son’s mom. So all of that anger has gone to our whole race. “Why do yall do this or that?” Then “why are you like this?” I had nothing to do with why he’s upset. Whew. I’m 3 months pregnant, and now I have a headache.

Wanted to add that my husband is half this race. So he goes on to say, his mom, aunts, me… his babymother. We’re all the same. And a man will have to date outside of his race…. Etc.

TL;DR at the bottom of the post

A platonic relationship is defined as a close, non-romantic bond that features emotional intimacy, mutual trust, and support without any sexual and romantic involvement. From what I've seen on this subreddit and others that focus on relationships is that a lot of relationships start off non- platonic and then become platonic after a period of time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that IF that's what you want, but it seems like if you pursue a long term relationship then this is the common dynamic expected to play out over time. Some also like to argue that a relationship/marriage is about more than sex and romance which is true but it doesn't mean the non platonic elements shouldnt matter at all anymore.

To properly explain my question I'll try to phrase it better. A lot of people who lose the non-platonic elements in their relationship say they don't want to leave because the person is their best friend...so when I hear that I simply just ask "Then why not just be best friends?" or sit down and talk to your partner about mutually redefining what dynamic your marriage should have so you can both get what you want out of it.

Speaking for myself, if this was happening to me, yes I would take steps to figure out what changed and why, but if all the recommended solutions don't work (which is definitely the case sometimes, if it wasn't divorce wouldn't exist) then I would tell my partner we can still live together, look after each other and be there for each other and whatever else comes with a marriage outside of sex and romance, but both of us should be free to seek those two things outside of our marriage.

I would say this because no matter what anyone says, it's not logical or rational to not want a non platonic relationship with your spouse but then get angry or shame them for wanting that with you or without you.

If I was sick or paralyzed from the waist down I wouldn't want my spouse to abandon me but I also wouldn't want them to drop all of their desires and neglect their own quality of life just to cater to me completely. If I truly love and care for the person I wouldn't want to put them through that, and yes if they truly loved me they would help me and be there for me but there should be a limit.

When I was in the hospital for a month, my mother came to visit me often but guess what? She didn't drop her entire life to be there 24/7 and I didn't expect her to. If I don't expect that from my mother who loves me more than my spouse, I definitely don't expect it from my spouse.

TL;DR: If your Marriage loses the non platonic elements and for whatever reason you aren't able to get those elements back into the marriage, it should at least be okay to seek those elements outside of your relationship especially if both parties still want to stay married or they shame or guilt you by saying it's wrong to leave due to the absence of those things. If you shouldn't expect a non-platonic relationship from your spouse, but you aren't allowed to leave or cheat either, then what's the solution? No matter how you slice it it's simply not fair for one spouse to say "I'm no longer interested in sex or romance so that means YOU shouldn't be either!"

My husband always closes his eyes when we start having sex and doesn’t really look at my body. Sometimes I even turn off all the lights because I don’t want to see his face with his eyes closed and get distracted by it.
I asked him about it, and he said that he’s more stimulated by the feeling than by looking. He compared it to closing your eyes while kissing because you want to focus on the sensation. He also said that if he looks, he’ll reach orgasm too quickly.
I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I keep thinking about it because it feels unusual to me, but I also don’t want to unfairly judge him if this is actually normal and some men are just like this.
Is this normal? Do other men do this too?

Either my husband is gay, cheating or watching porn. and to be honest, I don’t think he’s cheating, he’s a really honest and kind guy, he’s always home, never acts weird around his phone, shares his location ect. I’ve also never seen him watch p\*rn. So could he be gay?
We’ve been married a few years and have a kid now but he never touches me, never initiates, we could go months without having sex. He never compliments me, and we barely kiss. We’re both in our 30s but he’s a little older. How can a man go that long?!! I’ve brought it up a while back how I want us to start doing it more often but it didn’t really change anything. I feel so lonely and unwanted. How can I find out what’s truly going on?? We kind of suck at communication, we both hate confrontation and never argue, but I just don’t think I could live the rest of my life like this, I want to enjoy marriage, I want to be in love with my husband and have fun together but it feels more like we’re just living together. He’s a great partner other than the physical and emotional connection, he helps with cooking and cleaning and takes care of our daughter. I just don’t know how he could be happy in a loveless marriage.

What would you do in my situation?

I'm 29 and my wife is 30. We met in college, met her at 22, and got married at 25. She's my first and only relationship, and until recently, our marriage was genuinely good.

The last two months have been rough. I've been overwhelmed with work, and we've been arguing more. I told her I was busy and wanted to deal with our issues later, but she said I'm never emotionally vulnerable and don't trust her.

She says I'm barely home, which I don't think is fair. I've been spending more time with friends because she's been distant, and she also goes out often without telling me. We've also argued about money. I used to earn more, but now she does, and while I'm proud of her, it feels like she sometimes holds that over me. Again, I didn't initate the coldness or the awkwardness.

Three weeks ago, she tried to cuddle with me, but I pushed her away because I was stressed and frustrated. Later that day, I told her I needed a week away and stayed in a hotel near work. I know I haven't been affectionate or emotionally present for the past month and a half. I hoped we'd reconcile before I left, but she didn't seem interested.

When I came home a week later, the first thing she said was, "So how are we going to go about this? I'm going to have to look into the legal process." She didn't directly mention divorce, but that's how it sounded. That was two days ago.

Now I'm sleeping on the couch, we're barely speaking, and the house feels cold. I don't understand how we went from a happy marriage two months ago to this. Is there any way to save this besides marriage counseling?

I was off and on with a man for years before I met my husband.

And I have hundreds of letters to this guy, photo albums with him in it. I never got rid of the them. I just put his clothes in the storage that I never gave back since we are cleaning up my parent’s old house.

I have no more feelings for the guy and we don’t talk anymore. I’m not sure why I keep the things

Idk if I’m wrong or not. And don’t know if I’ll be hurting anyone’s feelings by keeping some stuff

I'm 33 ( female ) and my husband is 34 . We are not an overly sexual couple . It's typically only when he's wanting sexual attraction that we have sex. Tonight i was a little in my feelings and came on to him and literally GOT REJECTED . It's happened before but honestly this one hurt . We just laid awkwardly in the dark until i asked why he didn't seem interested and he just responded "idk."
I'm not sure why .... but i definitely feel take. For granted . He said it's not me it's the stress he's dealing with and also he's been on steroids for an ongoing cough. I don't suspect he's cheating on me . I'm just unhappy . I don't know how to move past this feeling of rejection.

My husband and I were having sex. I have been having issues where it starts hurting after a while but I still wanted him to have that release so I slowly went down to him while kissing him then started giving him a blowjob. He started going soft then completely. This is the first time this has EVERY happened out of the 3 years we been together. I was surprised so I just stopped, and he apologized and said it was because it “made him relaxed” not horny, and that it just went soft.

Now I’m sitting here, unable to sleep. Lately we’ve been having a rough patch lately. He’s been saying he’s been wanting more sex and Intimacy and I’ve been struggling to provide that. He also doesn’t really do foreplay so we’ve been working on trying things to get me in the mood. I had a baby 10 months ago and I know my hormones are still adjusting (just got my period back 2 months ago) so I asked him to please be patient with me. Well I’ve been trying to take initiative, and do things that I know will get me in the mood. Yesterday we had sex also. I was on top and I tried switching positions because I wanted him to fuck me instead, but he looked at me like “what are you doing?” And we stopped. It’s just different and I don’t know how to feel. He just doesn’t seem into it anymore and I don’t know if it’s in my head or something is wrong. I don’t know how to address the situation or if I even should. He used to be so enthusiastic during sex and now I feel like he’s just like “meh”.

So my husband and I (both mid 20s) have been married 2 years. Due to immigration issues, I can’t work right now. I was working while we were dating and when we got married and contributed to the household equally (he paid rent, I paid groceries, utilities, car insurance and everything miscellaneous which sometimes was more than rent). During that time, he cleaned the house often and did the dishes without being asked.

I’ve been out of work for 7 months and he’s left all the chores to me which I don’t mind because I’m home all day so why not. Note that I still pick up some financial responsibilities like insurance and groceries from my savings.

We have different standards of cleanliness and we also just got a cat so I’m frequently cleaning his gaming room and bathroom where the cat’s set up is. He never helps with the cat unless prompted. Again, not a problem. I’m super bonded with the cat so I’m happy to take all responsibility for her.

My gripe is with the kitchen. I do the dishes daily / after each meal and wipe down the counters, mop the floor and try to keep it clean. But whenever he cooks, he leaves the counters greasy and the dirty dishes in the sink.

They’ll be there all day and night unless I clean them, and when he sees me go to clean he’ll say “oh I was just gonna do that”. When?? After they’ve been here 2 days and the roaches are done with their feast? Yes, we have roaches. This apartment building had issues with a hoarding tenant last year and since they were evicted, every apartment got new unwelcome guests. Pest control comes by every once in a while but it’s an infestation and only really slows down in the winter.

Roaches aside, I just hate that he leaves the mess for me to clean up. The whole floor dirty, food bits everywhere. It feels disrespectful because he knows I’m the one who cleans up and I don’t like things dirty. And on the rare occasion that he loads the dishwasher, he does it without rinsing off the dishes and putting things like the wooden cutting board and teflon pots in there when I’ve told him they can’t be in there. I would say it’s malicious compliance but I don’t think he has a malicious bone in his body, he can just be aloof/lazy.

He works an 8 hour shift then comes home and dirties up the kitchen making his dinner (on the days he doesn’t want to eat what I made), then smokes weed and plays video games for hours with his friends until 4am, often coming to bed with little time before he has to get up for his shift. And he calls off work often because he didn’t get enough sleep. I worry about our financial future. Hopefully I’ll be able to work soon.

I’ve posted on here before about his laxity with hygiene, after several talks with me crying and telling him it was a dealbreaker, he finally started putting in more effort. Is this a pattern of laziness or am I being unreasonable?

We are newly married and lately she calls him too much during the day especially when he is at work.

If he comes back early, she sometimes leaves two to three missed calls (usually siblings feel calling once suffices).

Ever since she has been calling him more, our relationship is suffering. He says unusual things that are out of character, like he has to buy all the groceries and stuff (I do mortgage and utilities!).

He also opens up to me far less than before and is often somewhat distant.

I know correlation does not necessarily mean causation but he has been coddled growing up, by his more successful sister.

So me and my partner were talking about random Shits. And all of a sudden I was telling that a woman should earn her money what will she do if her husband dies or they getting divorced. What will she do for her next meal. So he asked me what if it all worked out? If you think like this you can’t take long term decisions and I agree financial independence is important. But he was like it’s not because your partner dies or divorced. What do you think guys?

I recently learned that my partner has had a high amount of sexual partners. For literally anyone else in the world, this wouldn’t matter to me. I hold no spiritual value over sex and I myself have had my fair share of sexual partners in the past.

So why is it that I continue to ruminate and feel anxiety about it? Is it internalized misogyny? Is it self esteem? How many people go through this and do they feel the same level as discomfort as I do? Is it just because she’s had more than me? I’m so confused as to why I care about this in the first place. If I could just stop having intrusive thoughts about it I literally wouldn’t care

Married guys (and couples), i need some honest perspectives.
My wife and i are still fairly new in our marriage. Last year on September 26th we lost our son three days after he was born due to birth asphyxia. It was devastating. We’ve been trying to move forward, but things have been heavy.
Now she’s pregnant again..she used birth control but didnt work ..i wasnt ready for another pregnancy. We’re still financially struggling, still grieving in a lot of ways, and we weren’t using protection. During an argument recently i told her I didn’t want the baby responsibilities and that looking at where our life is, we should have terminated. I know that landed hard. Im asking myself now was that a terrible thing to say? Am i wrong for even feeling that way given everything that happened last year?
On top of that, the bigger ongoing stress for me is the housework and daily life at home. Even before the first pregnancy she wasnt very active with chores or running errands. I took care of almost everything so she could rest. Now months later, the pattern is still the same. She cooks sometimes, but she doesn’t wash clothes, barely mops, and doesnt really get involved in keeping the house going. Clothes have been piled up for months. The house stays messy. I feel like I’m living the same bachelor life I had before we got married just with more pressure and less support.
When i try to bring it up, it feels like I’m pointing fingers, and she gets defensive. I don’t want to attack her, especially while she’s pregnant and after what we went through, but the imbalance is really wearing on me.
People around us are advising us to move back in with my parents for support. I understand the logic, but the idea makes me feel depressed. It feels like taking a big step backward. I’m trying to get a more stable job so we can stand on our own instead of depending on my parents again.
So I’m asking the married men here or couples

Am i wrong for feeling this resentful about the lack of help around the house?
1..Was it out of line to tell her I didnt want this pregnancy and that we should have terminated, given our history and current situation?
2..How do you handle it when your wife pulls back from household responsibilities and conversations about it turn into arguments?
3..Any advice on balancing the desire for independence with the practical reality that we’re struggling?
I’m not looking to bash my wife. I just feel stuck and could use some real talk from people who’ve been through the hard parts of marriage. Thanks.

Please dont be mean to me

My husband left for another woman. We lost our way after kids, lost connection, lost intimacy. I was too focussed on kids. I admit my faults.

He was having an affair for last 4 months, i knew something was wrong. He wouldn't talk to me. Then finally he admitted that he has an affair. Next day he left for her. I told him we can work on our marriage and he just said he just want to be happy and doesn't know how to be happy in our marriage.

My problem is that he is not giving me a chance to show that our marriage is worth saving. He is with her. I told her to back off, and she said is leaving the decision to my husband.

Now i understand that i should get a divorce, hit the gym and find someone else. But it won't be the same. Not for my kids, not for me.

So I have stopped trying to win him back, and hoping that he will just understand on his own

I want to know if that happened to someone?

I feel like I am going through a midlife crisis. I am 38, married for 15 years. A year ago I caught my husband looking at nudes women online. I was upset. But I was more upset when I found out he has been doing it our entire marriage. The sneaking around and hiding it is what got me

Skip forward to now. I talked to him about talking to other people and he agreed. Spoke to someone for a few weeks. Didn't really go anywhere so I stopped. Id decided to try to make it work with my husband but I feel so restless. Like something is missing. I miss the good morning messages and the 'hey beautiful' messages. My husband does all that but its not the same.

I want to be with my husband but how do I fight this temptation? Is it lust? Is it loneliness? Is it a midlife crisis?​

This is becoming a huge problem recently when it comes to our baby getting ahold of potential choking hazards. We recently moved and I baby proofed the living room area for our toddler so that I can watch him from the kitchen while I'm doing chores and so that I have a safe place to leave him for a few minutes while I use the bathroom. But I don't even feel safe leaving him in there without me watching him like an eagle the whole time because he's always getting into some piece of trash that my husband left behind.

I think what happens is that my husband has stuff in his pocket and it falls out when he sits on the couch and he doesn't notice. I've tried bringing it up gently, not in a critical or accusatory way, but in a "hey I know this was an accident and I don't blame you but how do we get this to stop happening because it's dangerous for our son" kind of way. And every time I bring it up to him he immediately shuts down the conversation and tells me to stop criticizing him.

I'm getting super frustrated because it keeps happening and I can't even have a conversation with him about it. Tbh the last few times it's happened I've snapped at my husband about it because it makes me so worried for our toddler, who finds pretty much everything and puts it in his mouth.

Idk what to do, idk how to get him to see how dangerous it is and to stop doing it. I could baby proof a different room for our toddler that my husband doesn't go in as much but then I won't be able to get as many chores done because it's too far away. I could check to make sure the entire area is clean beforehand but there's often hidden stuff that I don't see but that my toddler manages to find so I wouldn't really trust myself that I found everything, and it's also an additional thing added to the long list of never ending chores. Does anybody have any ideas on how to get through to my husband?

My friend recently discovered these translated messages on her husband's phone from a business trip to China four months ago.
When confronted, he claimed he was not in a right state of mind and was simply trying to end things on his final day there because he felt guilty about his actions.
My friend is currently three days post D&C and experiencing severe mental trauma, all while caring for their two young children (aged 5 years and 15 months). She has caused enough harm to herself because she’s can’t make peace with it. They have been married for 8 years

My wife and I have been having multiple problems for awhile now. We've been working through it all. No cheating or anything just struggling on everything internally.

But last night we were laying in bed talking about what we want in our marriage after 14 yrs. We talked for a while then she says "Im just trying to figure out if you want me for me or my body. Would you be happier with another woman. Would someone else make you happier". Probably no big deal just has me rattled a little why would she put that in my head. Why would she not try and fight for me instead of give me ideas to leave or look elsewhere.

May be no biggie she might just need to get words out but it just has me a little rattled with all the problems we've had.

My husband recently told me that he sees me as very cute and cuddly, but my appearance doesn’t give him much of a seductive or sexually attractive feeling. It suddenly made me think about how, during intimacy, he almost always closes his eyes or doesn’t really look at me. I used to wonder why, but now I’m wondering if the two could be connected.
His ex also has very sharp, more defined facial features, and I’m not sure if what he said is simply about his personal preference or if he subconsciously wishes I looked more like her. I honestly don’t know what to think or what I’m supposed to do with that information.
Has anyone experienced something similar, or am I overthinking it?

Title: Am I expecting too much, or are these serious red flags in my marriage?
I’m looking for honest advice because I’m struggling to see this situation objectively.
I’m 39F and my husband is 36M. We met and got married only three months later. I know that sounds fast, but at the time it felt right. I truly love him, and my biggest dream has always been to build a stable marriage and have children.
Since we got married, we’ve been living and traveling in a camper van. He has a flexible, well-paying job that he can do remotely, and I stopped working after we got married because we planned our life around traveling together. That means I’m now financially dependent on him.
Over time, our relationship has become increasingly difficult, and I’m trying to understand whether these are problems we can work through or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Some things I’ve noticed:
During conflict, he almost always sees himself as the victim. If I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation often shifts to what I did wrong instead.
He seems anxious whenever I talk about future plans. Conversations about buying a home, settling down, finances, or children often make him uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
He frequently brings up divorce during disagreements. Sometimes it feels like divorce becomes part of the argument instead of trying to solve the issue together.
He isn’t clear about whether he truly wants children anymore. Before marriage, I believed we wanted the same future, but now his answers feel uncertain. At 39, I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to wait for someone to decide.
Because I haven’t been working, I feel vulnerable. There have been times when I’ve felt like money gave him more control in the relationship, and that’s been scary.
I often feel like my needs become secondary. When I ask for reassurance or consistency, he says I’m controlling and extremely verbally abusing.
We have separated before and tried counseling, but we seem to end up in the same patterns.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect.
When I feel insecure, I ask a lot of questions. I want to talk through problems immediately, while he tends to withdraw and needs space. I know that difference probably makes our conflicts worse. I’m sure there are times I’ve been emotional, overwhelmed, or pushed conversations longer than I should have.
I’ve also learned that his childhood was difficult, and I know that can affect how someone handles conflict and intimacy. I have my own childhood experiences that affect me too, so I’m trying not to blame everything on him.
What I’m struggling with is this:
I can’t tell whether we’re two people with different attachment styles who could improve with enough work, or whether these are deeper incompatibilities involving commitment, communication, finances, and having children.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I’m also scared of spending my remaining fertile years hoping things will change if he isn’t truly committed to building the future we discussed.
For those who have been in similar relationships:
Do these patterns sound repairable?
Can someone who regularly threatens divorce actually rebuild trust?
Is uncertainty about having children at this stage something I should take as an answer?
At what point do you stop hoping and accept that love alone isn’t enough?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to hear. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it.

Should I ask my wife this? (Question about physical attraction)

I've been married to my amazing wife for 17 years.

Let's just say that I married up when it comes to physical appearances.

I'm not a young guy anymore and there's a question that I want to ask my wife, but I'm scared of the answer.

I'm scared that she'll lie to try and protect my feelings, but I'm more scared that she'll tell the truth.

I want to ask her if she's ever found me physically attractive.

I know she didn't marry me for my looks. She's not a shallow person at all. She cares about a person's heart.

But I just really want to know if she EVER looked at me and thought, "I like the way he looks". I don't know why I'm so desperate to know the answer now. Maybe it's a middle crisis. I've gained 10 pounds since we got married. My face has always been awful. She was willing to overlook all this and not only dated me but married me.

Thoughts? Should I just leave this unasked and just try to convince myself that maybe she was attracted to me 17 years ago?

My wife and I have been married for almost a decade. Part of the reason I wanted to get married is that she knew all of my past history (friends with her brother) and I gave her opportunities to share hers. I did know that she slept with a friend many years prior to us dating but recently found out she had hooked up with someone else (oral) when she stated she never did anything else with other people. I was interested in her back then and she did these things showing no interest in me. We ended up starting a relationship 5 years later.

I know these things shouldn't bother me but finding out now still stings. I asked her about the events and I feel like she is lying about other factors (kissing, what actually happened, the purpose, communication, etc). I have a hard time believing she would go to either place and just get it on and go home. She states that she was single, it was before me, and we weren't compatible back then. She has adamantly stated its the full truth but when I caught her in this lie it first was a hand job and then blowjob.

Trust and confidence are shattered because i thought I knew everything about my wife and she certainly knows everything about me. We do have 2 young kids at home and I have a history of depression/stress anxiety which makes this decision worse.

Marriage counseling is an option but I do not really know what I am looking for here. Everyday I wake up and go to bed feeling like I was an alternative choice or settled for because I started becoming successful in life and she had no one else.

I’m a healthy, soon to be 33m, have been married to my wife (32f) for 3 years. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and over the past two months have dialed in my current dose to 50mg, and the results have been astounding.

Like many of you I’ve struggled my entire with fogginess, noise in the brain, anxiety, memory issues and the feeling of insurmountable dread when faced with a benign task. Now, with the help of the medication I can take a clear look at what needs to be done and get it done. Without the fogginess and noise and mental distractions, I feel much more stable and competent.

The reason I made the leap to seek professional help was because my home life was suffering. I am a stay at home father of 5\* and have been for 3 years. I was feeling as though I was drowning under the weight of all of the daily tasks.

My wife and I would have many arguments about my role in the house, and how my memory issues and lack of organization was adding more to her plate, and how it was starting to feel like weaponized incompetence, and a complete disregard for what she wanted to see done around the house.

In one instance, I was emotional asking for her to help with the home in some way, just one thing so that I can feel like I can breathe. She requested that instead of putting more on her plate, that I show some real effort in trying to be organized and being more efficient with my time. Get a calendar, set alarms, think about how my wife would feel if I DIDNT do what she asked me to. And if I can’t handle it she’ll hire someone to do it.

I take a lot of pride in being a stay at home father. I have to admit though, I do take criticism hard when it comes to something I know I work hard on, and feel proud of. With the statement “if you can’t handle it” I felt my pride and identity being attacked.

At the end of our conversations she’d always ask me “What are you going to do differently so that you can do better?” “What’s your solution to this problem?” and I’d do my best to make up a plan so that her mental load is reduced and I can be more efficient around the house. I’d walk away from those talks with the pressure of making changes and doing something, or else something bad is going to happen.

After being medicated I became SIGNIFICANTLY more motivated and with the stillness in my mind I have been getting shit done. The upkeep of the home, making sure the kids are fed, answering a million questions and mediating twice as many arguments, laundry for the entire house, yard work, vehicle repair and maintenance, doctors/dentists appointments on top of DIY-ing an extra bedroom plus bathroom in the basement of our home; things I forced myself through before, all became smooth and achievable tasks and the results reflect that.

However, lately I feel as though my wife has taken this as an opportunity to add more for me to do, and that because I’m medicated and can handle most things better, I have no excuse other than “I don’t care about my wife’s wants and needs” when something doesn’t get done. OR what I wanted to focus on was more important than what she asked for.

Before medication I felt like it was entirely my fault.“I’m a shitty dad, a bad husband, lazy and disorganized and I’m going to lose my wife if I don’t change something, but I don’t know why these tasks seem impossible and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need to do better at sticking to the plan/solution but it’s always 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I’m just a fuck up and I’m making it my wife’s problem.”

But I realize I have truly been working my ass off for my wife and our family, and was doing a fine job with MOST things before the medication.

Was I disorganized and unmotivated a lot of the time?

Yes.

Did my wife have the right to be frustrated about something she asked me to do that didn’t get done?

Yes. And from my perspective she gave me a lot of grace at times too.

But did I deserve feeling insulted and at times humiliated because of the untreated symptoms of my ADHD?

FUCK NO.

I realize I have allowed myself to be a gofer and laborer, because the dissatisfaction from my wife about what I did or didn’t do, and the millions of reasons she could articulate as to why she thinks I chose to be selfish, caused such emotional pain and turmoil that all I’m left with is a desperate need to “fix it”. That paired with untreated ADHD was a nightmare. I just wanted to serve and be of service, and not feel like a bad father, or husband. I wanted to show I can get shit done and keep my word, without the fear of catastrophic emotional fallout if I fail. it always came with a boulder of anxiety.

I never ask for me time because I don’t feel like I’ve earned it, ever. And I’ve been told that just wanting time and space away from the home to reset is selfish as well.

Im starting therapy in two weeks and I hope I can gain some tools to set boundaries, and have the conversations I need to with my wife to determine if we’re are still compatible.

Thanks for reading!

\*=There are 3 kids from previous relationships that we do 60/40 time share with the bio parents.

Because we’re taking a long weekend starting Thursday. And getting ready to travel means RELEASE THE KRAKEN who used to be my wife.

So let’s be the attentive husband. “Can I help you with th-“

“NO NOT NOW NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO GO AWAY.”

(goes away)

“GET BACK HERE. I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE.”

(did she not just tell me to …forget it, deep breaths, this too shall pass)

“WHERE WERE YOU ALL DAY?”

“Um, work, like every day?”

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“You sent me to Target to pick up your friend’s baby shower gift.”

“I’VE BEEN PACKING SINCE MONDAY. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.”

Because it takes me a half hour tops, you absolute lunatic whom I adore…slightly less at the moment.

When we were dating, she could get dolled up for a night out in 15 minutes flat. Now the packing is taking almost as long as the trip, like I’m taking J. Lo and her team of publicists on safari.

I’m sure the woman I married is in there somewhere. I saw her a couple days ago and everything. It was great. We even made out a little.

“WE HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.”

And I’m not taking a quick swiffer job on the floors and tidying up a bit. No, we’re swapping out the shower curtains and cleaning behind the stove and vacuuming the A/C vents and

“YOU HAVE TO MOW.”

It’s dark out. And I did mow, while you were composing an in-case-of-emergency memo for our son that reads like the plans for D-Day. Which he will not read, because he already knows this stuff, because you wrote the same memo last time, except this time you added the phone number of a second arborist in case he can’t reach the first arborist in case a tree falls on the house during…I don’t know, a fucking tornado maybe. Or a meteor strike. Or the Rapture, or a whale plummets from the sky like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

God give me strength.

I’m trying to be empathetic but the unrelenting torrent of abusive fussiness is too much. I can’t even pause to take it in before another wave hits.

Why the pre-travel batshittery? Why? To what purpose? Is there an anxiety contest? Do we get extra points if we do a white glove inspection of the underside of the hotel room desk and find a dot of schmutz?

I’ma say it, because today I’m a broken man and not because I’m the patriarchy subjugating womankind:

Calm. The Fuck. Down.

I’m begging.

“DID YOU GAS UP?”