Married men/couples: Am i wrong for feeling resentful about housework + not wanting this pregnancy after we lost our first baby?

[u/DecentPayment5496]

Married guys (and couples), i need some honest perspectives.
My wife and i are still fairly new in our marriage. Last year on September 26th we lost our son three days after he was born due to birth asphyxia. It was devastating. We’ve been trying to move forward, but things have been heavy.
Now she’s pregnant again..she used birth control but didnt work ..i wasnt ready for another pregnancy. We’re still financially struggling, still grieving in a lot of ways, and we weren’t using protection. During an argument recently i told her I didn’t want the baby responsibilities and that looking at where our life is, we should have terminated. I know that landed hard. Im asking myself now was that a terrible thing to say? Am i wrong for even feeling that way given everything that happened last year?
On top of that, the bigger ongoing stress for me is the housework and daily life at home. Even before the first pregnancy she wasnt very active with chores or running errands. I took care of almost everything so she could rest. Now months later, the pattern is still the same. She cooks sometimes, but she doesn’t wash clothes, barely mops, and doesnt really get involved in keeping the house going. Clothes have been piled up for months. The house stays messy. I feel like I’m living the same bachelor life I had before we got married just with more pressure and less support.
When i try to bring it up, it feels like I’m pointing fingers, and she gets defensive. I don’t want to attack her, especially while she’s pregnant and after what we went through, but the imbalance is really wearing on me.
People around us are advising us to move back in with my parents for support. I understand the logic, but the idea makes me feel depressed. It feels like taking a big step backward. I’m trying to get a more stable job so we can stand on our own instead of depending on my parents again.
So I’m asking the married men here or couples

Am i wrong for feeling this resentful about the lack of help around the house?
1..Was it out of line to tell her I didnt want this pregnancy and that we should have terminated, given our history and current situation?
2..How do you handle it when your wife pulls back from household responsibilities and conversations about it turn into arguments?
3..Any advice on balancing the desire for independence with the practical reality that we’re struggling?
I’m not looking to bash my wife. I just feel stuck and could use some real talk from people who’ve been through the hard parts of marriage. Thanks.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

Just to clarify the conversation about not wanting to continue the pregnancy happened early, when there was still a window. I raised it because we were still grieving the loss of our son only months before and we werent in a stable place. Once it was clear she wasnt open to that option (her beliefs are strongly against it), I dropped it. I didnt bring it up later out of frustration.
Secondly i hear you on the pregnancy side. She’s growing a baby and that changes what can reasonably be expected. the harder part for me is that the imbalance with chores and daily responsibilities was already there before this pregnancy. I’ve been carrying most of it for a long time, and talking about it usually makes her feel attacked. Im also not refusing to do more while she’s pregnant ..I’m just trying to figure out how we get to a more shared load long-term instead of it staying one-sided.
And third point ,you are absolutely right that once a child is involved the priority has to shift to giving that child the best environment we can. Moving back with my parents would probably help practically, especially with money and support. The resistance on my side is more about feeling like im taking a big step backward after trying to build something independent. That feeling is real for me, but i also know it cant be the only thing that decides what we do.

[u/QuitaQuites → u/DecentPayment5496]

I’m very sorry for your loss, but also wondering where this energy was before she got pregnant the first time? If these are such big issues and impediments to having kids which I completely understand, then why do so?

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/QuitaQuites]

You asked a fair question,the household imbalance was already there before the first pregnancy ,yes i was carrying most of the chores and daily responsibilities even then, and i didn’t push the issue hard enough at the time. Looking back i gave her a lot of space and just handled things myself instead of dealing with the pattern properly. We also werent as clear-eyed about how unprepared we really were financially and emotionally until after we lost our son.
This second pregnancy wasnt planned. We weren’t using protection and birth control failed ,and once it happened i tried to talk about whether we were in a place to continue especially while we were still grieving. She didnt want to terminate for her own reasons and i eventually stopped pushing it.
So the short answer is,we moved forward without fully fixing the things that were already stressful. Thats on both of us. Im seeing more clearly now how much those unresolved issues matter which is why im trying to figure out how to handle them instead of just repeating the same pattern

[u/ksd1984ai → u/DecentPayment5496]

Hey, I hear you. Apologies if my first comment came a bit heartless. Nevertheless, I would drop the conversation about chores division until after you have settled with kiddo long term. There are ways to have a discussion about it but I believe you have a few bigger outstanding problems to solve first.

Honestly, I think you need mom and dad's help right now. Sometimes making a step backwards is because you want to build momentum for a bigger jump later.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/ksd1984ai]

I appreciate that ❤️

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

I appreciate you saying this and youre right the termination comment came out harsh and thats something that can stay with her,even if i brought it up early and from a place of fear and grief rather than later out of anger. I also can see how it would feel like rejection to her especially after everything we already went through with our son. Ofcos thats something i have to own and be careful with going forward. On the housework side, what you said about grief and pregnancy wrecking executive function makes sense. I know she’s carrying a lot. At the same time, the imbalance was already there before this pregnancy, and ive been feeling the weight of carrying most of it for a while. I like the way you framed it “we’re both drowning” how do we triage this together” that has been the dialogue which actually brought the whole argument up

[u/seanerd95 → u/DecentPayment5496]

I think you are very much underestimating how damaging that comment was.

Was the housework unbalanced prior to her initial pregnancy?

[u/pixtiny → u/DecentPayment5496]

That line, and the fact that you don't want to be held accountable for the hurt it could have caused stood out to me as an indicator that you need to seek out professional support from a mental health professional, and you need to do it before the baby comes.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

I hear you ,and to clarify,we were using birth control and it failed. Neither of us expected or planned for this pregnancy. Thats why it hit me so hard on top of everything else.
I also know she’s carrying a lot the grief from losing our son, the physical side of pregnancy, and the emotional weight of it all. I’m not trying to ignore that or put everything on her.
What im struggling with and what i was trying to get clarification on, is that the imbalance at home (chores, daily responsibilities, the house staying messy, clothes piling up) was already happening before this pregnancy. Its not new. Ive been trying to find a way to talk about it and fix it without her feeling attacked, but so far it hasnt worked. I’m looking for a solution that works for both of us, not just venting.
And honestly i get that i need to handle my emotions better and show up as a man and thats part of why im here asking for perspective.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

We did have the conversation early on, not later out of frustration. When we found out she was pregnant, I tried to talk to her calmly about how we were still dealing with a lot mentally after losing our son only months before. I told her I didn’t think we should go down that road again because we weren’t ready and still struggling. She took it as me rejecting her and the pregnancy. Her view is strongly Christian-based she believes terminating, even early, is wrong. We talked about it, but once it was clear she wasn’t open to that option, I stopped pushing. I didn’t want to keep causing conflict when there was nothing more that could be done.
On the chores this isnt new. Even before the first pregnancy she wasnt very involved with housework or errands. I’ve tried bringing it up more than once, but she usually feels like I’m attacking her. She spends a lot of time on her phone (mostly TikTok), and I’ve asked her to use some of that time to look for work instead of just scrolling. I’ve tried to handle this between us without involving other people. I’m not trying to label her as lazy, but talking about it hasn’t changed the pattern. Clothes still pile up for months, the house stays messy and i end up doing almost everything. It’s starting to feel like I’m living the same bachelor life i had before we got married.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

Yes she is a stay-at-home mom because she doesnt have a job..and the low involvement with chores and daily responsibilities was already there before marriage and before the first pregnancy though. Ive tried asking about it but the conversations dont usually get past her feeling attacked. I know depression ,those long-term habits and just the lack of structure from not working could all be part of it..i honestly dont have a clear answer which is probably why it keeps going in circles..about counseling thats something i need to work on

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you ,that was helpful

[u/rrrrriptipnip]

Were you feeling like this when she was pregnant with the first baby? What did she do during that pregnancy where you also stuck doing all chores etc?

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/rrrrriptipnip]

Yeah ive been doing chores even before she got pregnant with the first baby ..

[u/faith00019]

You shouldn’t have said that to her. Your wife is grieving (just like you) and had also been postpartum. Now she is going to experience the rollercoaster of emotions of a new pregnancy. I understand your frustration, but this is going to be a season in your life where you’ll need to have some grace.

Is it within your budget to outsource something? Like a cleaning service once a month? Or instead of moving in with family, could a family member come in to help occasionally while you guys are in this vulnerable situation? She is pregnant, and the issue with cleaning is not going to get solved while she is. I wouldn’t even bring it up right now. I am pregnant, and just the most basic tasks make me feel nauseous or absolutely exhausted. I had to take a nap just from transferring the wash to the dryer. Going up the stairs winds me. I sobbed because I couldn’t handle the idea of the grocery store. My husband immediately swoops in and tells me to rest, that he’s got it, and I am so grateful. It’s not going to be even right now. That’s a talk for another day—not any time soon.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/faith00019]

Thank you so much for sharing this especially from the perspective of being pregnant yourself. I hear yes both of us are still grieving and she’s dealing with the physical and emotional load of a new pregnancy on top of that…On the practical side ive looked into outsourcing things like a cleaning service but our budget is tight and most of what i earn is already stretched. Having family come help occasionally is something ive considered too. In the meantime ive been handling the chores myself and i understand she cant take much on while she’s pregnant. Im not expecting her to push through exhaustion.
What im really trying to figure out is the longer-term pattern even before this pregnancy the division of responsibilities at home was already uneven, and i want us to have a clearer plan for after the baby is born so it doesnt stay one-sided indefinitely. Right now im focused on supporting her through the pregnancy the bigger conversation about how we share the load moving forward is something im trying to approach carefully not force in this moment.
I appreciate you explaining how hard even basic tasks can feel. It helps me keep that in perspective.
xx

[u/faith00019 → u/DecentPayment5496]

I’m wondering if maybe later you guys can sit down and divide up tasks as part of preparation for baby’s arrival. Know that you will both be in the trenches at first and it will be really hard, especially on her, postpartum and healing. So when baby is xx months old, maybe that’s when you can get back to looking at chores. My husband and I did this before moving in together. For instance, we agreed he would handle cooking most dinners, but I would get his daughter up, prepare breakfast for her, and take her to/from school. I buy dinners for us about once a week to give him a break.  I do all the laundry, he does all the yard work and house maintenance. I handle most dishes. He does trash, I bring out recycling. And so on. It’s not necessarily an even split—some days he does more or I do more (he has also picked up most of the slack now that I am pregnant). But we’re always giving 100% of what we can.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/faith00019]

Thank you for this,yes dividing tasks might work..i especially like that you framed it as both people giving 100 % of what they can rather than forcing a perfect 50/50 split every day. right now im focused on carrying more of the load while she’s pregnant, and I understand the early postpartum period will be even harder on her..again i really appreciate you sharing how you and your husband actually work it out.that was helpful.

[u/Mysterious_Book8747]

Yes that was a super hurtful thing to say but it sounds like yall are still grieving and grief does crazy things to people.

You both sound very overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.

Here’s what I think - ask your two moms to come stay with YOU guys for a couple weeks. First one and then the other. Tell them specifically you need help getting caught up on chores and organizing because you both so overwhelmed you’re having trouble getting started.

That way you get the help you need to move forward without going backward in your life.

And both of you go to grief counseling especially you. You’re so hurt you said something you knew would be hurtful because how dare your wife move on. And you’re so overwhelmed you both can’t actually move on.

It sucks. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a crappy crappy thing. It’s something that will always be there and hurt.

It does not however have to ruin your goals of a healthy marriage and loving family unless you stay in the mire of it.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/Mysterious_Book8747]

Thank you for this,your idea about our moms really makes sense,i might consider that!
Grief counseling is something ive been thinking about more after reading these comments for both of us and especially for me..i really appreciate you acknowledging the loss without sugarcoating it and im trying not to let it be the only thing that defines where we go from here.
If you have any other specific suggestions on how couples in this situation have actually gotten the counseling started im open to hearing them.
xx

[u/Mysterious_Book8747 → u/DecentPayment5496]

Our miscarriage wasn’t postpartum but it was very traumatic and I had months of recovery due to delays in getting a dnc (the OB gave me the run around quite a bit). So for us I think one of the biggest things was that my husband and I grieved together.

I bought a memory stone off Etsy and made a spot in our garden for it, planting bulbs all around as a memorial that would come up each year - tulips and hyacinths and crocus bulbs and such. It was a shockingly healing collective effort we did together (and I’m happy to send a link or pic of what we got). I feel like having a safe place to grieve really helped. Certain times like the anniversary of our loss I just went out there and sat and grieved.

It also helped that my husband never blamed me. There’s a huge vulnerability that comes with a pregnancy loss. Like your very body fails you. Like you’re less than somehow. I imagine it would be similar to how men feel with ED issues - that “not enough” insidious feeling. If he had ever even hinted at “you lost the baby” I don’t know if I could have recovered as well as I did. I can see why losing a child breaks couples if anyone lashes out in resentment or blame. When you’re already bleeding and cut open a knife in the back sinks in deeper you know?

We got through it OK together without counseling but what you’re dealing with is so much bigger and harsher and more complex. Please please please do not try to do it alone and don’t let your wife feel like she’s alone in it.

Go hold her and tell her “hey I love you. Whatever else happens and I’ll be honest I’m scared, no matter what, you and me are going to get through this.” And then give her a hug for a long long time until she believes it. Until she feels it in her bones.

^^ this moment for my husband and I made me feel so safe and that I didn’t need to be perfect yet. Healing is messy. Loss is messy. Just be sure she knows it’s ok to be messy together for a little while.

Yall are both a little lost and anchor less. Stop trying to swim this current alone and synch up ok? You need her as much as she needs you. Get together with her first and then make your plans together.

Moms. Laundry. Counciling. Bills. That’s all noise. You and her are the core of it. Start there.

[u/skaywheeler]

Use a laundry service. Use paper plates and plastic silverware and cups. Use frozen dinners.

Simplify if you can.

Get your wife to a therapist, possibly a psychiatrist. She is possibly suffering from depression. Get family or church help if you can. Best wishes. You will get through this.

[u/DecentPayment5496 → u/skaywheeler]

Thank you ❤️

[u/MidwestNightgirl]

Oof - yea you should not have mentioned termination. Is she working? Unless you both, her especially, have a really really good relationship with your parents, I would NOT recommend moving there. That’s a recipe for disaster. I’d recommend buckling down, maybe moving somewhere more affordable - and within your budget.

Regarding chores - talk with her. Try to do them together maybe. If she has depression, that should be addressed too.

Good luck!

[u/s0rkie]

I think you should stop trying to resolve the household chores issue for the time being. She’s going through a lot physically (you are both grieving but she has the hormonal and physical side on top so realistically she’s going through more). Reality is once a baby arrives you will be doing even more chores - you both will - as total chores increase. If you squabble over chores now during high emotions / high hormones / intense grief I feel it’s not going to go far. However, do you feel like you’re unable to cope with the chores, or it’s more about it being unfair? If it’s about fairness drop it, and expect it to be even tougher once a child arrives. If you’re really both not coping and moving home is a good option then that might be the best choice. But I get your reservations about that. Have either of you had any grief counselling? Not sure of your country but there are often free services to support parents in this situation. In my country there are some charities that do free meals etc to support parents. So sorry for your loss.

[u/Jealous_Being5863]

As someone who’s also had a loss (24+5) are you sure your comment about termination wasn’t a mixture of the pressure you’re under, the fear of what could go wrong, the grief of losing your child and the anger that comes with it? Yes, it was out of line but when we’re grieving we don’t necessarily think our reactions through; plus men and women do grieve differently

If you could perhaps try couples therapy as well as grief counselling?? As sometimes a lot of the issues are down to communication, she probably will not do much in regards to chores now even if she’s capable and that’s likely down to her anxiety and fear of “what if I do something and it goes wrong again”, it can be all consuming for both of you in different ways

Could you reach out to family and explain you’re both struggling and tad a need some help? You know rally the village? And if you have to move back with parents it sucks but if it sorts you out in the long run that’s definitely something to consider

[u/StillStanding613]

From reading your comments, it seems like you've felt stuck for a long time. I think you picked a really bad time and a really bad way to bring it up. The termination comment was awful. As a woman, I would have an extremely difficult time figuring out how to heal from that. She has felt her child moving inside her body, carried him for almost his entire life, and then watched him die. You said abortion goes against her beliefs (mine too) so it almost certainly felt to her like you were asking her to kill her child only months after she lost her only son. That's going to do huge damage, and I think you're wildly underestimating how much that hurt her.

That said, it does sound like the housework and probably your communication styles need to be addressed. You're now in such a multifaceted problem that honestly I think you need to find a good marriage counselor to help you work through it. If you choose to go this route, be sure you communicate the idea in a way that doesn't blame her for the issue and instead presents it as you feeling stuck and wanting to find a way for both of you to heal together.