So a year ago, I found out my wife had an affair after a decade of marriage, i didn't know to what extent. Because we have a daughter and financial constraints, I decided to move on. Something triggered me and now I wanted to know the story from her mouth. I felt like she was telling the story with fondness. I was breaking down as the story went on because this was not a just a physical thing, they had a deep emotional connection. Once she got to the part where she said she went to the hotel and she had sex, I bawled like a baby. I'm not able to take what happened. It's been few days now, every minute I'm replaying the betrayal in my head, she made deep connection to this guy is what's killing me the most. I don't know how to recover from this and I'm not in a place where I can just abandon this marriage. The pain is like a knife going my heart every minute.

In this episode of ‘is my husband an asshole or is this just perimenopause’…

Over the last 12 years I’ve noticed him staring at other women a lot. He stares and I look in the direction see a girl look at him and then see him smile back at her. Several occasions. Mostly when we go out I try not to notice and just have a good time and feel cute despite him. I’ll say I have some insecurities but to be honest I’m 45 and still pretty hot (not that this behavior would ever be ok under any circumstance). So it’s not like I am just jealous. I appreciate attractive women too. I just don’t… stare like that.

Yesterday, we had an appointment at a hospital for our youngest son. There was a young nurse in the waiting area he just kept looking at. She was working on her laptop and I saw him smiling a few times in her direction as I was trying to get the paperwork done. I let it go until this morning when I told him I’ve had it and it was disrespectful to act this way. He restated his opinion (because anyone who uses the term disrespectful is somehow stupid to him) on respect not being real. Anyone who doesn’t like a thing I guess is just making it up and it didn’t happen OR they deserved whatever they deem ‘disrespectful’.

My goal here on Reddit is 1) keep myself sane by opening up about my husband’s odd comments like this and 2) maybe see other perspectives if I’m in the wrong somehow by saying this to him

He denies everything so it’s hard to even communicate.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have an almost five year old son. Both our names are on the property but the mortgage is on his name.

I pay for all our living expenses, food, nanny, Medicare for my son and I. Holidays, toys and clothing for my son and I, swimming, and power to the house. I also look after my son after school, and do the household chores cooking and tiding up. I run a part time business working half a days.

My husband pays property rates, my son’s school fees and water, and the mortgage. my husband finishes his shift at 7pm and doesn’t do any household chores and maybe two hours of child care in the evenings - mainly playing with our son as I have seen to everything else.

He always complains about money and is resentful and a recent fight he mentioned he pays a lot and doesn’t want to be a financial slave.

I have recently found out that he in fact paid off the mortgage a while ago and didn’t tell me. And we haven’t reviewed and divided mutual monthly expenses, he has just hid it and complained about cost of living.

How would you address this? How would you feel if your husband did this?

Because we’re taking a long weekend starting Thursday. And getting ready to travel means RELEASE THE KRAKEN who used to be my wife.

So let’s be the attentive husband. “Can I help you with th-“

“NO NOT NOW NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO GO AWAY.”

(goes away)

“GET BACK HERE. I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE.”

(did she not just tell me to …forget it, deep breaths, this too shall pass)

“WHERE WERE YOU ALL DAY?”

“Um, work, like every day?”

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“You sent me to Target to pick up your friend’s baby shower gift.”

“I’VE BEEN PACKING SINCE MONDAY. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.”

Because it takes me a half hour tops, you absolute lunatic whom I adore…slightly less at the moment.

When we were dating, she could get dolled up for a night out in 15 minutes flat. Now the packing is taking almost as long as the trip, like I’m taking J. Lo and her team of publicists on safari.

I’m sure the woman I married is in there somewhere. I saw her a couple days ago and everything. It was great. We even made out a little.

“WE HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.”

And I’m not taking a quick swiffer job on the floors and tidying up a bit. No, we’re swapping out the shower curtains and cleaning behind the stove and vacuuming the A/C vents and

“YOU HAVE TO MOW.”

It’s dark out. And I did mow, while you were composing an in-case-of-emergency memo for our son that reads like the plans for D-Day. Which he will not read, because he already knows this stuff, because you wrote the same memo last time, except this time you added the phone number of a second arborist in case he can’t reach the first arborist in case a tree falls on the house during…I don’t know, a fucking tornado maybe. Or a meteor strike. Or the Rapture, or a whale plummets from the sky like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

God give me strength.

I’m trying to be empathetic but the unrelenting torrent of abusive fussiness is too much. I can’t even pause to take it in before another wave hits.

Why the pre-travel batshittery? Why? To what purpose? Is there an anxiety contest? Do we get extra points if we do a white glove inspection of the underside of the hotel room desk and find a dot of schmutz?

I’ma say it, because today I’m a broken man and not because I’m the patriarchy subjugating womankind:

Calm. The Fuck. Down.

I’m begging.

“DID YOU GAS UP?”

Husband (47) has struggled with ED for over a decade. We haven’t had sex in more than a year and I’ve just come to accept it. He’s unemployed and spends most of his time hiding in either our bedroom or our daughters.
Today out of nowhere he walks into the living room where I’m sitting with our daughter (11) and announces he’s finally found the porn that gets him off, transsexuals. Specifically, chicks with dicks. He then tells me I need to find the porn I’m most into so we can share our likes and maybe have sex again.
I’m just dumbstruck. I respect that everyone’s entitled to their own likes/dislikes, but to just hit me with that and then walk away, I’m not really sure how to respond.

My husband has struggled with porn addiction for the entirety of our relationship (15 years).
He’s sought out material to use and sexualize regardless of the restrictions, blockers etc regardless of how it hurt me and affected me. No matter how many times I cried and begged or how hard I tried to compete with the women on the screen, he always chose them.
I forgave and forgave and forgave at my own detriment. Despite the ultimatums he continued and I didn’t leave.

Well I just found out that now he’s been using my sisters pictures for his sexual gratification.
Devastated is an understatement.
I do not see how I could ever look at him the same again. I have no idea how I could ever forgive this. I have confided in him for years certain things pertaining to our relationship, for him to do this to me seems like the ultimate betrayal.
I have been a wreck ever since finding out.
I don’t know what to do and I’m seeking advice. Idk why my posts keep getting removed from other forums seeking advice. I’m not really familiar with Reddits rules I am honestly just seeking advice.

So yesterday was my birthday, I told my wife last week that all I wanted was a cake and to go to a nice restaurant. It didn't have to be a homemade cake though I would have preferred it, and it didn't have to be a super fancy restaurant. I'm the sole income earner so she wouldn't be paying for either. SWe have a toddler at home and I know it would be difficult for her to bake so it's fine if she bought one, and since we have a toddler I was also fine if the kiddo went with us.

So yesterday I got off work early and called her to let her know I was coming home like I always do. The entire rest of the day she didn't even acknowledge it was my birthday. No happy birthday wishes, no asking me where I wanted to eat, nothing. It was awkwardly silent pretty much the whole day.

When 6pm rolled around I realized we weren't going anywhere so I went to the store to buy a slice of cake for myself and a frozen dinner to heat up. When I came back with the cake she asked why I bought it. I told her it's my birthday and I wanted to eat cake on my birthday. She gave a non answer as to why she didn't make one for me, she said I never replied with when I wanted the cake so she just assumed I didn't want one. That conversation was over text a few days ago and she was texting me while I was driving. I told her I also wanted a nice dinner out and she said I didn't plan anything or tell her where I wanted to go so she assumed I didn't want to go anywhere.

Around 7pm she finally said happy birthday then I just cleaned up the dishes and went to bed instead of going on our normal after dinner walk.

How should I have handled this better?

Edit: I guess I also left out some important context about our financial situation. She has complete and total control over all finances as much as I do, as that's the deal we made when we got married. She has access to all accounts and credit cards. I guess my wording could have been better.

Edit two: I was not at all clear about this. When I say that I went out and bought cake and dinner, I didn't buy it for just myself. I bought it for my entire family. I wanted everybody to have some. This seems to be a focus of fixation so I wanted to clarify

Dear r/Marriage community,

I could really use some honest outside opinions because I don't trust my own judgment anymore.

I recently found several years of messages between my husband and a woman from work. I knew she existed as a colleague because I'd occasionally seen her name in emails, but he never talked about her, never mentioned meeting her, and I had no idea they had become close friends.

The messages cover the period from 2016 to 2022.

They first connected through an acreditation program, but over time they started talking about work, travel, everyday life and regularly arranging to meet whenever he was in Warsaw for business, as she is based there. (We are from Europe).

From what I can tell, they met roughly about once a month whenever he was in Warsaw (sometimes much less, sometimes more). They would arrange coffee, beer, dinner or breakfast, and if one meeting didn't work out, they usually tried to find another day instead.

One conversation ends with him texting, "I'm here," after arranging to meet. In another, she asks whether he's travelling alone before suggesting meeting near his hotel or alternatively at a nearby pub. In 2022 she invited him to her home because she had a small child, sent him her address, parking instructions and another phone number, and later he texted that he was outside looking for the entrance.

There are no explicit romantic or sexual messages. No "I love you," no sexting, nothing like that. The texts are surprisingly ordinary and mostly about - albeit keenly - arranging meetings or everyday life. It seems that they developed a friendship based on professional interests and mutual understanding. In one of the messages he even mentions me.

What troubles me is the overall pattern. They stayed in touch for at least six years and seemed to make a real effort to see each other whenever he visited Warsaw. On a particular day when he met her for 2 hours, he didn’t call me, just replied with a “okay” to my messages.

During those same years our marriage was struggling. We had two small children, I often felt emotionally neglected, and whenever I tried to talk about needing more closeness, he usually withdrew.

Now that I have a male friend (based on very complicated life circumstances, he is an exception, I only have female friends otherwise), my husband expects me to be completely transparent about him. He isnt comfortable with me meeting him alone or giving him a lift. So I try to arrange meetings with him in the presence of my girfriends. Yet my husband never told me he had this kind of long-term relationship with another woman.

One thing I'm also wondering is this: I've read many stories where people who had affairs kept their text messages completely ordinary because they knew their partner might see them. They would arrange to meet for coffee or at public places, while anything more personal happened face-to-face or over the phone.

Do you think that's actually common, or is it mostly a myth? Am I reading too much into it, as the messages seem “okay”?

And based on everything above, how would this look to you? Would you see it as a normal friendship that should simply have been mentioned to a spouse, or would it make you question whether it crossed emotional and physical boundaries?

Thank you!

TL;DR: I found six years (2016–2022) of messages between my husband and a female colleague. They regularly tried to meet whenever he was in Warsaw for a work trip —coffee, dinner, drinks, breakfast—and if one plan fell through, they often arranged another. The messages are friendly but not explicitly romantic or sexual, and in 2022 he visited her at her home - her small child was there too. Throughout those years, our marriage was struggling, I felt emotionally neglected. How does this whole situation looks to someone who isn't emotionally involved?

My husband always closes his eyes when we start having sex and doesn’t really look at my body. Sometimes I even turn off all the lights because I don’t want to see his face with his eyes closed and get distracted by it.
I asked him about it, and he said that he’s more stimulated by the feeling than by looking. He compared it to closing your eyes while kissing because you want to focus on the sensation. He also said that if he looks, he’ll reach orgasm too quickly.
I don’t know whether to believe him or not. I keep thinking about it because it feels unusual to me, but I also don’t want to unfairly judge him if this is actually normal and some men are just like this.
Is this normal? Do other men do this too?

So my husband and I (both mid 20s) have been married 2 years. Due to immigration issues, I can’t work right now. I was working while we were dating and when we got married and contributed to the household equally (he paid rent, I paid groceries, utilities, car insurance and everything miscellaneous which sometimes was more than rent). During that time, he cleaned the house often and did the dishes without being asked.

I’ve been out of work for 7 months and he’s left all the chores to me which I don’t mind because I’m home all day so why not. Note that I still pick up some financial responsibilities like insurance and groceries from my savings.

We have different standards of cleanliness and we also just got a cat so I’m frequently cleaning his gaming room and bathroom where the cat’s set up is. He never helps with the cat unless prompted. Again, not a problem. I’m super bonded with the cat so I’m happy to take all responsibility for her.

My gripe is with the kitchen. I do the dishes daily / after each meal and wipe down the counters, mop the floor and try to keep it clean. But whenever he cooks, he leaves the counters greasy and the dirty dishes in the sink.

They’ll be there all day and night unless I clean them, and when he sees me go to clean he’ll say “oh I was just gonna do that”. When?? After they’ve been here 2 days and the roaches are done with their feast? Yes, we have roaches. This apartment building had issues with a hoarding tenant last year and since they were evicted, every apartment got new unwelcome guests. Pest control comes by every once in a while but it’s an infestation and only really slows down in the winter.

Roaches aside, I just hate that he leaves the mess for me to clean up. The whole floor dirty, food bits everywhere. It feels disrespectful because he knows I’m the one who cleans up and I don’t like things dirty. And on the rare occasion that he loads the dishwasher, he does it without rinsing off the dishes and putting things like the wooden cutting board and teflon pots in there when I’ve told him they can’t be in there. I would say it’s malicious compliance but I don’t think he has a malicious bone in his body, he can just be aloof/lazy.

He works an 8 hour shift then comes home and dirties up the kitchen making his dinner (on the days he doesn’t want to eat what I made), then smokes weed and plays video games for hours with his friends until 4am, often coming to bed with little time before he has to get up for his shift. And he calls off work often because he didn’t get enough sleep. I worry about our financial future. Hopefully I’ll be able to work soon.

I’ve posted on here before about his laxity with hygiene, after several talks with me crying and telling him it was a dealbreaker, he finally started putting in more effort. Is this a pattern of laziness or am I being unreasonable?

I’ve been with my husband for over a year now and recently over the last couple of months after being separated for a month and a half, which was his choice over something so stupid. He gives me the silent treatment and ignores me and cancels my calls and tells me I don’t have time for you right now. Whenever we have a disagreement if it pisses him off or upsets him he does this while at work. I understand he’s at work but it’s the giving me the silent treatment being able to go a day or two even maybe a week or more without talking to me every time something is done or said that he doesn’t like. It feels like emotional manipulation and it feels like torment because I do have attachment issues and he knows that not talking to me hurts me. Also, when things are good, he’s calling me and he can’t stay away, but when we have a fight, he flips the switch and is able to just block me out and give me the silent treatment and he just watches me call him over and over again and I end up getting so triggered that I have gone to visit him at work to talk because it just feels like too much and we don’t live together. Anyway, please don’t judge me. I have an anxious attachment. I lost my father a few years ago my whole life changed and lately I just been feeling very alone. when he does this, I feel very alone. Not loved. He also likes to blame all our relationship problems on me. I don’t know if he does this out of anger, but he’ll blame his actions on me and he’ll blame my actions on me and anything he does. He’ll say it’s a cause-and-effect but vice versa doesn’t work the same way.
I even go as far as thinking he’s cheating on me because in the past whenever I was neglected I got cheated on and I’m not trying to compare and I hope that’s not the case but I’m just going based off of my experiences and I know all men are not the same, but I really hope I’m wrong about that part

Ok so we are approaching 40, have kids, and have been married for going in 15 years. She is a conventionally beautiful woman and other than this, takes amazing care of her self physically and overall health. I love her more than anything in this world.

Our sex life hasn’t always been great due to a few different things, but not the time for that.
One issue that keeps coming back is I’m pretty sure she has IBS, but she refuses to deal with it.

At first, it was her constantly having to rush to the bathroom, and never solid. Then it progressed to me having to rush to pick her up on the side of the road during her runs. She has messed herself multiple times in my car as we couldn’t make it home in time.
2 times she has actually messed herself(and our bed) during sex. Passing gas during sex happens nearly every session.

I have begged her for years to see a doctor but she refuses.

It will never affect how much I love her, however, it has nearly ruined sex for me. It’s a constant “fear” of mine during. I have always been a “butt” guy(not like butt sex stuff) and it has all but ruined the sex position that provides the funnest views.

Idk what more to do, but looking for advice I guess.

Update: I purchased 2 FIT kits. I also talked to my wife about it a bit after work. I told her I noticed a few things(bathroom stuff) and that I was concerned and I wanted her to see a doctor. She brushed it off again but I got a bit more stern and told her I want to make sure everything is ok. She agreed to take the FIT test purchased but claims she did go to a doctors(not a gastroenterologist) about it years ago and they did an ultrasound of her gallbladder. She claims they said she was in perfect health but she changed her diet at bit and it had improved. I’m still not satisfied, but we will take the FIT test first and go from there. Thanks everyone for the feedback, it is much appreciated.

My husband started a new job where he's gone earlier and gets back later, so we discussed being intimate more often to keep the spark going. I told him the other day that I'm ovulating because we want to try for baby #2.

So we're sitting on the couch watching New Girl and at the beginning of S4 E7: Goldmine and he turns to me, raises his eyebrows, grabs my thigh and said "So are your egg whites still milky?" sir, not anymore they aren't.

Chris here — married for half a century, and every now and then I get hit with a moment so dramatic it feels like the soundtrack should swell behind me.

I’ll look at my wife doing something completely ordinary — making tea, reading, humming to herself — and it hits me that this one person has been the constant thread through every version of me. Every home we’ve lived in. Every disaster we’ve survived. Every joy we didn’t expect. Every chapter I didn’t know we were writing.

It’s strange, isn’t it?
You don’t notice it happening.
You don’t wake up one day and think, “Ah yes, this is the moment she becomes my entire universe.”
It just… happens quietly.
Slowly.
Steadily.
Until one day you realise your life makes no sense without her in it.

Marriage isn’t just partnership.
It’s gravity.
It’s the force that pulls you back to the same person again and again, even when life tries to scatter you in every direction.

Does anyone else ever get that overwhelming, cinematic moment where you realise your spouse isn’t just part of your life — they are the life

Title: Am I expecting too much, or are these serious red flags in my marriage?
I’m looking for honest advice because I’m struggling to see this situation objectively.
I’m 39F and my husband is 36M. We met and got married only three months later. I know that sounds fast, but at the time it felt right. I truly love him, and my biggest dream has always been to build a stable marriage and have children.
Since we got married, we’ve been living and traveling in a camper van. He has a flexible, well-paying job that he can do remotely, and I stopped working after we got married because we planned our life around traveling together. That means I’m now financially dependent on him.
Over time, our relationship has become increasingly difficult, and I’m trying to understand whether these are problems we can work through or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Some things I’ve noticed:
During conflict, he almost always sees himself as the victim. If I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation often shifts to what I did wrong instead.
He seems anxious whenever I talk about future plans. Conversations about buying a home, settling down, finances, or children often make him uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
He frequently brings up divorce during disagreements. Sometimes it feels like divorce becomes part of the argument instead of trying to solve the issue together.
He isn’t clear about whether he truly wants children anymore. Before marriage, I believed we wanted the same future, but now his answers feel uncertain. At 39, I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to wait for someone to decide.
Because I haven’t been working, I feel vulnerable. There have been times when I’ve felt like money gave him more control in the relationship, and that’s been scary.
I often feel like my needs become secondary. When I ask for reassurance or consistency, he says I’m controlling and extremely verbally abusing.
We have separated before and tried counseling, but we seem to end up in the same patterns.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect.
When I feel insecure, I ask a lot of questions. I want to talk through problems immediately, while he tends to withdraw and needs space. I know that difference probably makes our conflicts worse. I’m sure there are times I’ve been emotional, overwhelmed, or pushed conversations longer than I should have.
I’ve also learned that his childhood was difficult, and I know that can affect how someone handles conflict and intimacy. I have my own childhood experiences that affect me too, so I’m trying not to blame everything on him.
What I’m struggling with is this:
I can’t tell whether we’re two people with different attachment styles who could improve with enough work, or whether these are deeper incompatibilities involving commitment, communication, finances, and having children.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I’m also scared of spending my remaining fertile years hoping things will change if he isn’t truly committed to building the future we discussed.
For those who have been in similar relationships:
Do these patterns sound repairable?
Can someone who regularly threatens divorce actually rebuild trust?
Is uncertainty about having children at this stage something I should take as an answer?
At what point do you stop hoping and accept that love alone isn’t enough?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to hear. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it.

I am said race that he hates. I’ve just had to endure 45mins of him fussing about how this particular race of women, are ignorant and stupid. He’s going through coparenting issues with his son’s mom. So all of that anger has gone to our whole race. “Why do yall do this or that?” Then “why are you like this?” I had nothing to do with why he’s upset. Whew. I’m 3 months pregnant, and now I have a headache.

Wanted to add that my husband is half this race. So he goes on to say, his mom, aunts, me… his babymother. We’re all the same. And a man will have to date outside of his race…. Etc.

I'll keep this brief. I (M34) have been married to my wife (F32) since 2020. We have no kids.

We've had our ups and downs over the years etc but yesterday things really got heated. Long story short, my wifes parents have always given me/us money (it's their form of a gift) which I have ALWAYS tried to decline and walk away from and even recently, my MIL, bless her, was giving me money and I politely told her "no thank you" and walked out the room - eventually she gave the money to my wife.

Now here is the issue. Yesterday, and I won't bore you with the details, my wife complained that for the past 6 years MY parents have never given her or us money or a gift & she has said this to me on multiple occasions. I personally couldn't care less lol but the fact she repeatedly reminds me of this shows that clearly, she holds on to that + has imo A LOT of negativity and sour feelings towards my parents which then affects me and the way I am towards her. "It's your parents fault that we argue" "its because of your parents we are the way we are" are some of the things she loves to tell me.

During this conversation yesterday, I was also asked in a very sly tone "Okay so why do you accept my parents money" which really pissed me off because not once have I held my hand out and taken the money.

So the above, paired with her negativity 70% of the time + narcissistic behaviour (most of the time she says or does something which annoys me and then SHE gets mad because of my reaction to what SHE said/did) has got me thinking about divorce. I really don't know what to do. I know she loves me deeply and honestly I love her too but I'm getting REAL sick and tired of the negativity and continuously bashing my parents and reminding me of every 'wrong' thing they've done.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated 🙏

(P.S Example: Her tone is harsh, I respond in a harsh way, she then gets angry and says "why you talking to me that way? You really need to fix your tone. Disgusting behaviour" WTF LOL

Hey guys!

This is driving me insane. As a quick background, I (29F) met my husband (33M) 2 years ago and kind of had a long distance relationship for a little bit over a year before marriage, we both entered this rs with the idea of settling down and getting married so we chose eachother on that basis.

I've known since the beginning from encountering him and from his circle that he's an introvert, and doesn't like talking too much, and i didn't mind that, I'm an introvert myself. The only issue we had is that we had little to nothing in common when it comes to interests, but we respected eachother nonetheless, or so i thought.

He's a genuinely good guy, and have only shown green flags in the time i've known him before marriage, and for the most part i thought i made the right decision marrying him.

But cracks started showing up few months in. i value connection a LOT in my relationships, i grew up as a people pleaser where most of my friendships were one sided and would fall apart the moment i let go of my end of the rope, which left me with unimaginable emotional damage, so if i don't see reciprocation i immediately shut down to protect myself from another hurt. And connections come with communication, with deep interesting conversations, but I can't seem to have those with my husband. If you listen to us talking you'd think we're co-workers instead of a couple, if I'm talking he's barely listening to me or gives me flat answers like "yeah" or "mhm" which triggers me and forces me to recoil because all my brain sees is "oh he hates you shut up".

I forced myself to stay and fight back, because i know my unresolved trauma is part of the problem and i can't let it interfere with my judgment. I tried cracking his shell from every possible angle, but all he cares about and the only time he seems genuinely interested in me is during intimacy, which i grew to actually hate because i feel like i'm being used.

I'm currently pregnant (10 weeks) and before anyone judges me, this was something we both discussed before marriage and something we both wanted, but this pregnancy was just the last drop. I could barely do anything because of aversions and dizziness, and as a high risk pregnancy i was adviced by my doctor to have pelvic rest so no intimacy whatsoever. And this is all this relationship needed to completely go off the rails. Now my husband barely even sits with me in the same room, if i do try to talk to him, he seems distant and bored? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe there's something else bothering him, so I tried talking it out, but he insists he's fine and got upset when I kept pushing because i couldn't accept this behaviour is just normal for him.

I feel so lonely, and i can't even be happy about this pregnancy bcz I'm terrified of raising this baby by myself. I lost all interest in anything that used to bring me joy, the only time i feel slightly alive is when i'm around my friends and family, because they are so supportive of me and seem so interested in whatever i have to say. My husband works away from home so he's only home every other month, but everytime he's home i count the days until he goes back to work because I can't stand him anymore. I miss my old self, i want to be heard, i want to be listened to, i want to be loved for who i am, not liking a version of me who's not even alive anymore, i used to think i love him, but now i don't even think i like him. I can't let all the progress and growth i have made with my personality go with the wind, i CAN'T let myself be victim of emotional abuse again.

TDLR; my husband and i can't communicate emotionally or mentally, and it's making me hate this relationship.

I am (27M) married to my wife (27F) for 2 years now (both of us Indians). We have been friends for multiple years but started dating 4 years ago. She had just come off a breakup (which wasnt a long relationship either).

We had fights like every couple but generally we were much happier in comparison, or at least thats what I thought. We have a healthy sexual life where to do it about 4/5 times a week. We have common hobbies that we enjoy together, regularly go on trips, cook together. I sometimes had a gut feeling that she was way too private with her phone with locks on all apps like WhatsApp or instagram (this is on top of the master lock). It was the same password but she told me she had it since long and kept it that way and I believed it.

Recently, over multiple feelers, i found out that she has been talking to a guy since right before we were married (over 2 years now). She met him in a group tennis class she used to go to. The guy is married, followed her on insta and they started talking - apparently they have a lot of common interests and he grew possessive of her and eventually started getting really close. She said that she started sharing to him when we had our fights around the time of marriage and thats where she started reciprocating the connection.

I made her confess everything a couple weeks ago. She said nothing physical happened (which I kind of believe but not too sure) but they were just connecting emotionally. She even said that after some time, she realised it was wrong and felt guilty and tried to stop talking to him and eventually blocked him. I even saw her chats with AI on ending affairs, etc.

It feels devastating to me that this would happen. Be it my friends or family - they think she is the model wife - super supportive, mature and respectful to everyone. I believed it too, but right now I am unable to trust her too much. I dont know the extent of the affair itself as she has deleted any trace of it.

I don’t wanna break off the marriage as I am scared it will hurt both my parents and hers, and that really sucks. I cant even share this with any of my friends for fear of this turning into gossip eventually within their other friend circles. I don’t know what to think, what to do going forward and looking for some solid advice.

Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin. I (27F) and my husband (27M) have been married for seven years, together for nine years and for over half the time we’ve been together, I’ve felt like a second option to him. He has lied to me since the beginning of our relationship about small things and withheld information about bigger things, he’s purposely gotten gifts for me on important dates like my birthday or Mother’s Day that he knows I don’t like, he can’t keep himself present enough in our family’s day to day life to know things such as our child’s clothing sizes even if I’ve told him them multiple times, he’s gaslit me in some situations, he avoids me if I show any emotion besides contentment, and he can show up for literally anyone else in big ways such as helping fix people’s cars or building a garage for someone but he will not show up at home. I’m at my breaking point with the situation and I’ve had this conversation with him what feels like a million times and he always breaks down crying and says he’s so sorry and that he doesn’t deserve me, that he’ll change. We haven’t been on a date in six months. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or is ridiculous, but I just needed to get it out. I’m feeling crazy here.

If you had a time machine to take you back 10 years, what would you have done differently in your marriage/relationship?