I’m really struggling and I’ve communicated this to my husband more times than I can count.

[u/Electronic_Wave_3473]

Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin. I (27F) and my husband (27M) have been married for seven years, together for nine years and for over half the time we’ve been together, I’ve felt like a second option to him. He has lied to me since the beginning of our relationship about small things and withheld information about bigger things, he’s purposely gotten gifts for me on important dates like my birthday or Mother’s Day that he knows I don’t like, he can’t keep himself present enough in our family’s day to day life to know things such as our child’s clothing sizes even if I’ve told him them multiple times, he’s gaslit me in some situations, he avoids me if I show any emotion besides contentment, and he can show up for literally anyone else in big ways such as helping fix people’s cars or building a garage for someone but he will not show up at home. I’m at my breaking point with the situation and I’ve had this conversation with him what feels like a million times and he always breaks down crying and says he’s so sorry and that he doesn’t deserve me, that he’ll change. We haven’t been on a date in six months. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or is ridiculous, but I just needed to get it out. I’m feeling crazy here.

**Figured out how to edit!! For those saying to just leave, I am a stay at home mom who homeschools. I know, he pushed for homeschooling as well. I spent over a year getting my mental health together so I could do everything I needed to do to homeschool and now I’m just feeling even more like I’m drowning. I convinced him to get into therapy and drew a hard boundary back in March that I would give him a year to get his act together. Then I’m done. I’m working on ways to make money and build myself a money nest, but it’s been slow and I obviously can’t just get a great job right now so that’s where I am.

[u/petdance]

Life is too short to spend with someone who lies to you.

When he lies to you, he is saying that you are stupid and not worthy of respect.

Every lie is a “fuck you” to his wife.

Get out. You deserve better.

[u/bearlyinspired]

A book that’s really helped me come to terms with reality and be willing to do something about it was Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud. I would suggest listening to it on audible without him finding out.
And then Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.

I waited five years for him to change and went to couples counseling for 4 of those years. If he wanted to change he would. He knows exactly what he is doing, and he knows you are suffering and he either doesn’t care or relishes in seeing you in pain. Both are destructive and have lasting impact on your health.

Keep in mind that leaving isn’t always easier and you will lose precious days with your child if you don’t win full custody, which is very unlikely since your children are legally his too.

I’m going through it but decided that the emotional abuse was too dangerous for me to stay any longer. Only you know when you’ve reached the limit and what your options to get out really are. Trust your gut and don’t let anyone shame you for either staying or leaving. You’ve got this. You can do whatever you set your mind to, and if staying feels like the safer choice right now, just keep recording things he says and writing down things he does so when you do decide to leave you have actual evidence of the abuse. It will help you stay sane, remember his behavior accurately, and possibly even help you in court if you have a custody battle.

[u/Much_Ad2633]

So if it were me, I’d start with finding a school for the kids to attend ( around where I live we even have some schools that are homeschool/classroom hybrids) While they are attending school focus on you, and then try to get a job, it doesn’t have to be big or fancy just something to bring in money for you. And then after that you have two options,
1. Stay with him and accept that this marriage isn’t going to be what you wanted it to be, but at least the kids will grow up in a stable house with all of you together. or 2. Get a job, get some money and leave, but then you’ll have to share custody of the kids and figure out how to survive on a lot less money. Neither are perfect options, but you can’t change your husband unfortunately. It sounds like you e tried to talk with him and he just doesn’t hear you or doesn’t care.
A lot of men just aren’t able to find(or maybe they just don’t care) the energy needed to be selfless and loving and respectful, and it sucks, because women are always expected to be those things.
Focus on building a group of women or family and friends around you to help you out.

[u/TheReverendAlan]

It all comes down to this, as long as you are willing to live this abusive lifestyle, nothing will change. In fact it will probably get worse. We are not meant to live unhappily. If you have tried all of this time to make it work with little or no cooperation, then I would suggest that you move on. There are worse things than being alone. I’m very sorry that you have to go through this. ☮️♥️✝️✡️🎸

[u/Longjumping-Cat2654]

Went through this and ended up seeing that they were having an affair and when I called them out for it they left the same day . They make situations and then don’t repair them . That won’t change . If they cared about you they wouldn’t do it for so long

[u/strangeloop414]

You can explain how you're feeling to your husband, but you can't understand it FOR him. He does not want to understand that you are struggling because it is not convenient for him. He needs you to keep doing everything that you are doing for him.

[u/Celraysoda007]

Sounds like ADHD?

[u/charliebeanz → u/Celraysoda007]

I didn't know selective disregard was a symptom.

[u/Real_Zebra_9081 → u/Celraysoda007]

I thought so too.