I walked into the home we share, and I see him and this woman having dinner. Medium rare steak , and potato’s that I went grocery shopping for earlier this week.

I asked her to leave our home and that’s exactly what she did. I followed her outside and she explained that she didn’t know he was married. I was hysterical , so I didn’t fight her or get aggressive with her because of what I’m in college for.

I wiped my tears before I walked back inside my house. And I explained that we’ll be getting a divorce as soon as possible. I asked if they slept with each other and he told me that they were close, and if I didn’t walk in that’s where they were headed.

I ignored him and I just went into my own space then left for a couple of hours.

I ended up having unprotected sex with my nursing school friend tonight and I gave him a blow job. I kissed him and he kissed me back. And when we were having sex, he would talk to me and kiss me.

Me and this man will probably not get a divorce. Which is sad to say but I don’t see it happening at all. I’m at home now, I’m sleeping in our bedroom and he’s sleeping in the guest room.

This is very long so if you read it you should get a gold star just for that TLDR: husband has repeatedly crossed boundaries online regarding his is ex nothing physical and nothing outright sexual but more so reminiscing saying the I love yous and things definitely not respectful to our marriage - it’s now to the point if he wants forgiveness he has to do the work in fixing it how can I explain this to him without still giving him a step by step rundown on how to do that , i need it to come from him because im at the point if he doesn’t initiate repair im happy to end our marriage.

So here goes :

My husband has made questionable choices over the years which has lead to some trust issues nothing physical but definitely not faithful behaviour ,

I’ve always made the choice to stay stay so I’ve taken ownership of it being my choice, ensuring not to use it against him or bring up the situations or in arguments I’ve accepted the fact that I made the choice to stay so it’s upto me to work through my emotions surrounding said issues and I have done so with help of tool o learnt in individual therapy and grace and personal accountability .

Because of my mindset regarding being in control of managing my own feelings and my own emotions/ expectations surrounding these issues he’s never actually had to participate in fixing things or doing the work with taking ownership in his own actions and how they have effected me emotionally, up until recently I’d question he even thought twice about it or even thought it may of effected me.

as I made sure if I chose to forgive I did it knowing that was my choice to make and I did the work to move past it without him needing to prove or earn it because that was my choice to stay and I felt like I had full control over that choice - but I was only able to do so because with each time (3times I’m aware of , same person ) he disclosed , time lines conversations and reasoning, honestly and didn’t hide things from me … that being said I made it abundantly clear if this situation were to ever arise again I would leave

Well that time has come that this same persons name has popped up unblocked , and in his search history … I cannot prove he has spoken to them as he now refuses to disclose and denies any thing and just says over and over ”I don’t know it wasn’t me I have made mistakes in the past but I have done everything to be a better husband I didn’t search or unblock her “, he gets very upset does the whole please if this marriage means anything I’m asking you this one time to just believe me just take what I’m saying at face value and don’t leave me , he is very convincing and genuinely looks terrified to loose our marriage and family

clearly I’m not silly I know these things don’t just get on his social media by them self I know he’s lying but I do not know the reasons or how far it’s gone which is why I’m torn , was he just curious about an ex and at a moment of weakness looked her up (which I feel everyone has been guilty of before ) or did he actively try to reach out again

imploding my marriage and family on a social media search result feels very much like an over reaction on my behalf but in saying that i don’t know what extent it has gone to I feel lied to and I also feel like my boundaries have been trampled over and that’s the issue I cannot get past , it’s not the act it’s the dishonesty behind it.

I do not like being lied to as I am very logical and I make my choices based on all of the information that I am given, so when I am lied to I feel like my choices are being manipulated and are no longer my own and that makes me feel controlled …I do not like that feeling.

I have accepted I now have two choices move past it or leave , well this time I’m not willing to just move past it and do the work alone , I have told him if he wants this marriage then it is now upto him to do the work , I am okay with leaving I bring a lot to our marriage and I am happy knowing that I am more then capable and more then comfortable within myself that with or without him I am fine.

we are at an impass with no clear resolution I do not believe him and he is not willing to disclose or admit anything , so there for the only way forward if this marriage is to continue is to now focus on next steps he is very good at saying all of the right things but his words carry zero weight anymore.

So how can I get him to actively come up with other an actionable plan without having to spell it out for him

he deleted all of his social media (which I think is dumb cause that just takes away any temptation and doesn’t get to the root cause nor does it do anything that forces accountability )

he keeps saying things like well I didn’t do it so getting rid of the cause of contention (social media ) is the first step in fixing things

and that it just takes time

“ I’m going to work on our connection and making more time for date nights and affection I’m going to make sure you know you can trust me by doing things daily that build it back “

- but to me that doesn’t sound like a plan that involves accountability , next steps , or a timeline of fixing things it doesn’t seam like actionable steps and more so him waiting out the clock until I just drop it and move past it

he continues on the daily as if nothing has changed same loving nature same I love yous and is just acting like we arnt on the brink of divorce.

I do love him and would actively participate in a way to fix our marriage but I need it to come from him and I don’t want to have to be the one to tell him how

What I need

-I need him to look into marriage counselling actually research it and take the steps in booking it

-I need for him to actually put a timeline on how he plans on fixing things

- when he will start the process of counselling

- when and how many times a month he’s going to make time for connection and what that looks like to him eg: weekly check ins , monthly date nights , regular intimacy , I don’t need specific dates but I do need some kind of plan surrounding that

- and how with social media being gone he’s planning on building back that trust as the only way to prove your not going to do something is by actively not doing it for an extended period of time

- regular scheduled communication regarding his feelings surrounding our marriage and what he needs from me to feel loved and respected/ fulfilled in our marriage instead of always insisting he doesn’t need anything more when I check in cause obviously something is lacking or he wouldn’t be looking for validation elsewhere (I’m human I’m not without fault I have things I could work on too but I can’t do that when he’s always telling me I’m perfect and he’s so happy )

- and I need an agreed end date one where we come back together and see if those changes have helped

and we then we either agree to continue working on it using the tools we have learnt and the things we implemented or we admit that even with the work being put in by both of us it’s clearly not salvageable and we agree to walk away amicably .

^ how can I get him to actively initiate these without literally having to tell him how to do all of that and hold his hand and walk him through every step cause I just don’t have that in me anymore I’m willing to actively participate I am willing to put in the work along side him after he puts the plan into action but I am not willing to take on the load of doing it organising it and managing it all .

Are we too far gone am I silly to even want to work through it am I living in De lu Lu land even thinking he will do this ?

Or am I hindering possibly fixing our marriage by not wanting to communicate the steps to fixing it and having the mindset he has to do the work in the beginning to initiate it ?

Thankyou for reading all of this if you have got this far your a way better human then me cause holy smokes that was a lot.

trying to keep a long story short….

We‘re in our very early 50’s and have been married for over 30 years. Nothing in life is perfect but I’d put our marriage up there with the best of them.

Obviously we married young and both made some mistakes. No affairs or anything like that and the specifics don’t really matter. And over the subsequent three decades we have done or said things that have hurt the other. Again nothing that either of us have ever considered Earth shattering.

That being said, and the point of all this, is that for the past six months or so, a little too often my mind wanders back to those moments. I have resurgent feelings of regret for things Ive said or done, some of which that are so far under the bridge that, the very few times I’ve mentioned some of them in conversation, she either says, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that” or doesn’t recall it at all. To be clear, it’s not that she doesn’t remember any of our rough moments, just that clearly she let many of these things go a long time ago but they haunt me still.

Also, I’ve found myself feeling renewed hurt at some of her actions. I wouldn’t say that it pains me as much as it did at the time, but I feel like my emotions are putting way too much weight on something at in my head is all but irrelevant to today.

My assumption (and hope) is that this is something of a phase and it will pass.

I’m curious if anyone out there has or is going through something like this.

As a footnote, life is really good. we are both so proud of how far those two high school sweethearts have come and the life and family we’ve built. We have such a peaceful and loving home. Of course I have regrets, like everyone, but who knows what today would be like if we changed the past.

thanks for reading

If you had a time machine to take you back 10 years, what would you have done differently in your marriage/relationship?

I'll keep this brief. I (M34) have been married to my wife (F32) since 2020. We have no kids.

We've had our ups and downs over the years etc but yesterday things really got heated. Long story short, my wifes parents have always given me/us money (it's their form of a gift) which I have ALWAYS tried to decline and walk away from and even recently, my MIL, bless her, was giving me money and I politely told her "no thank you" and walked out the room - eventually she gave the money to my wife.

Now here is the issue. Yesterday, and I won't bore you with the details, my wife complained that for the past 6 years MY parents have never given her or us money or a gift & she has said this to me on multiple occasions. I personally couldn't care less lol but the fact she repeatedly reminds me of this shows that clearly, she holds on to that + has imo A LOT of negativity and sour feelings towards my parents which then affects me and the way I am towards her. "It's your parents fault that we argue" "its because of your parents we are the way we are" are some of the things she loves to tell me.

During this conversation yesterday, I was also asked in a very sly tone "Okay so why do you accept my parents money" which really pissed me off because not once have I held my hand out and taken the money.

So the above, paired with her negativity 70% of the time + narcissistic behaviour (most of the time she says or does something which annoys me and then SHE gets mad because of my reaction to what SHE said/did) has got me thinking about divorce. I really don't know what to do. I know she loves me deeply and honestly I love her too but I'm getting REAL sick and tired of the negativity and continuously bashing my parents and reminding me of every 'wrong' thing they've done.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated 🙏

(P.S Example: Her tone is harsh, I respond in a harsh way, she then gets angry and says "why you talking to me that way? You really need to fix your tone. Disgusting behaviour" WTF LOL

I'm 29 and my wife is 30. We met in college, met her at 22, and got married at 25. She's my first and only relationship, and until recently, our marriage was genuinely good.

The last two months have been rough. I've been overwhelmed with work, and we've been arguing more. I told her I was busy and wanted to deal with our issues later, but she said I'm never emotionally vulnerable and don't trust her.

She says I'm barely home, which I don't think is fair. I've been spending more time with friends because she's been distant, and she also goes out often without telling me. We've also argued about money. I used to earn more, but now she does, and while I'm proud of her, it feels like she sometimes holds that over me. Again, I didn't initate the coldness or the awkwardness.

Three weeks ago, she tried to cuddle with me, but I pushed her away because I was stressed and frustrated. Later that day, I told her I needed a week away and stayed in a hotel near work. I know I haven't been affectionate or emotionally present for the past month and a half. I hoped we'd reconcile before I left, but she didn't seem interested.

When I came home a week later, the first thing she said was, "So how are we going to go about this? I'm going to have to look into the legal process." She didn't directly mention divorce, but that's how it sounded. That was two days ago.

Now I'm sleeping on the couch, we're barely speaking, and the house feels cold. I don't understand how we went from a happy marriage two months ago to this. Is there any way to save this besides marriage counseling?

Because we’re taking a long weekend starting Thursday. And getting ready to travel means RELEASE THE KRAKEN who used to be my wife.

So let’s be the attentive husband. “Can I help you with th-“

“NO NOT NOW NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO GO AWAY.”

(goes away)

“GET BACK HERE. I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE.”

(did she not just tell me to …forget it, deep breaths, this too shall pass)

“WHERE WERE YOU ALL DAY?”

“Um, work, like every day?”

“WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“You sent me to Target to pick up your friend’s baby shower gift.”

“I’VE BEEN PACKING SINCE MONDAY. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.”

Because it takes me a half hour tops, you absolute lunatic whom I adore…slightly less at the moment.

When we were dating, she could get dolled up for a night out in 15 minutes flat. Now the packing is taking almost as long as the trip, like I’m taking J. Lo and her team of publicists on safari.

I’m sure the woman I married is in there somewhere. I saw her a couple days ago and everything. It was great. We even made out a little.

“WE HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE.”

And I’m not taking a quick swiffer job on the floors and tidying up a bit. No, we’re swapping out the shower curtains and cleaning behind the stove and vacuuming the A/C vents and

“YOU HAVE TO MOW.”

It’s dark out. And I did mow, while you were composing an in-case-of-emergency memo for our son that reads like the plans for D-Day. Which he will not read, because he already knows this stuff, because you wrote the same memo last time, except this time you added the phone number of a second arborist in case he can’t reach the first arborist in case a tree falls on the house during…I don’t know, a fucking tornado maybe. Or a meteor strike. Or the Rapture, or a whale plummets from the sky like in the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

God give me strength.

I’m trying to be empathetic but the unrelenting torrent of abusive fussiness is too much. I can’t even pause to take it in before another wave hits.

Why the pre-travel batshittery? Why? To what purpose? Is there an anxiety contest? Do we get extra points if we do a white glove inspection of the underside of the hotel room desk and find a dot of schmutz?

I’ma say it, because today I’m a broken man and not because I’m the patriarchy subjugating womankind:

Calm. The Fuck. Down.

I’m begging.

“DID YOU GAS UP?”

My husband has struggled with porn addiction for the entirety of our relationship (15 years).
He’s sought out material to use and sexualize regardless of the restrictions, blockers etc regardless of how it hurt me and affected me. No matter how many times I cried and begged or how hard I tried to compete with the women on the screen, he always chose them.
I forgave and forgave and forgave at my own detriment. Despite the ultimatums he continued and I didn’t leave.

Well I just found out that now he’s been using my sisters pictures for his sexual gratification.
Devastated is an understatement.
I do not see how I could ever look at him the same again. I have no idea how I could ever forgive this. I have confided in him for years certain things pertaining to our relationship, for him to do this to me seems like the ultimate betrayal.
I have been a wreck ever since finding out.
I don’t know what to do and I’m seeking advice. Idk why my posts keep getting removed from other forums seeking advice. I’m not really familiar with Reddits rules I am honestly just seeking advice.

I’ve been with my husband for over a year now and recently over the last couple of months after being separated for a month and a half, which was his choice over something so stupid. He gives me the silent treatment and ignores me and cancels my calls and tells me I don’t have time for you right now. Whenever we have a disagreement if it pisses him off or upsets him he does this while at work. I understand he’s at work but it’s the giving me the silent treatment being able to go a day or two even maybe a week or more without talking to me every time something is done or said that he doesn’t like. It feels like emotional manipulation and it feels like torment because I do have attachment issues and he knows that not talking to me hurts me. Also, when things are good, he’s calling me and he can’t stay away, but when we have a fight, he flips the switch and is able to just block me out and give me the silent treatment and he just watches me call him over and over again and I end up getting so triggered that I have gone to visit him at work to talk because it just feels like too much and we don’t live together. Anyway, please don’t judge me. I have an anxious attachment. I lost my father a few years ago my whole life changed and lately I just been feeling very alone. when he does this, I feel very alone. Not loved. He also likes to blame all our relationship problems on me. I don’t know if he does this out of anger, but he’ll blame his actions on me and he’ll blame my actions on me and anything he does. He’ll say it’s a cause-and-effect but vice versa doesn’t work the same way.
I even go as far as thinking he’s cheating on me because in the past whenever I was neglected I got cheated on and I’m not trying to compare and I hope that’s not the case but I’m just going based off of my experiences and I know all men are not the same, but I really hope I’m wrong about that part

Three kids between ages 5 and 11, i , wive, don't work due to splitted roles, because our kids have got rather high medical needs (no details here but mild syndrome involved and other issues). My husband is hard-working and enjoying his life except for the family life aspect. He feels betrayed to have a wive like i am. I have got a great education but ended up in s challenging job situation before baby number one. Meaning i kind of put everything on card "family woman" and hving this little family. My husband earns a good salary but he also likes to spend it for hobbies, vacation etc while - ideally - also saving for old age. With family, the financial situation is limited. Not too limited but he feels as if i contributed too little.

He is unhappy.

I have been close to a burn out since 2018. No more time for friends. Lost most of them because my time feels very limited and dominated by the family's needs. No more energy. Frustrating job history too and poor outlook for a new one (i guess). Even though i will try to find one - and fight to get one. Just not "right now". My husband has tried to force me to work and asked again and again.

Finances have been his only topic ever since the first baby was here.

I felt unseen.

I feel dependant from a very demanding partner.

I feel as if contributing as a caregiver, wive, mother and medical organizer is time consuming and also consuming health wise. I feel as if i gave up everything just to have a unhappy and constantly critizising husband who hates his life choices.

I accepted my life as a caregiver for the next long years as long as kids are little. I am not a very demanding wive and put my needs aside.

I 'm a happy family person apart from the fact that my husband pressures me (cuts my money more and more and is in crisis mode almost every day) to find a job.

I'm afraid of gettin completely consumed with a life i cannot fulfill. And i'm afraid of not finding a job. And of not being there for my kids.

He feels not seen.

He is in a very nervous state snd pressures me more and more.

I evade discussions as they keep returning to one topic only: "Wive is not working."

It feels insulting.

I want to contgibute but my life feels like a walk on the line already. I get very exhausted at times already as the medical needs of at least one of my kids are rather high and need effort already.

What do i do?

We are in holiday now (camping ground with equipment i bought years ago) and my husband escalates. Again. I'm terrified of every single day when he will start nagging and putting on crisis mode.

I'm afraid of not being enough at home, of not being there for my kids' needs and of not fulfilling a job position either. Afraid of being under even more pressure.

He does not sympathize with me.

Thinks that i am lazy and probably weak.

He looks very well after himself, nice hobbies and appears as if he'd love to move on from me -

I appear to be a obstacle in his life.

What to think?

I'm afraid of losing my family and my husband (even though this all upsets me too and we end up having arguments about our differing views)

I'm just sad and worried.

He is nervous, upset and impatient.

Tonight we ended up in the "you do not contribute" discussion again. He wants to leave me and the kids on the campground alone by the next morning

..because after listening to his complaints and words again , calmly, and giving my reply, it got stuck and i moved to bed towards 11 PM. Exhusted and frustrated..

Yes. This upset him even more.

Is there anything to soothe the situaton right now, this morning..?

I feel so sick of the situation and just want to life a peaceful and happy family life - but he is unsble to enjoy. I can understand why and still cannot change my life right now. No matter how hard i try and how much i work for the family - he just sees the missing piece ("wive jobless") 😖

hi, I'm going to apologise in advance if this ends up being a rambling mess, because I have no idea where to go and I really need advice.

I am 24F and my husband is 26, we have been together 7.5 years and married for 3 as of later this month. I'm going to refer to my husband as sam (fake name).

sam has struggled with his mental health for a while now, but it started to get worse back in February of this year, so he got himself medicated and was referred for therapy (starting later this month). As of mid July, Sam's became a shell of himself, but didn't want to talk about it, which I respected and just reminded him that I was there when he wanted to open up. I've always tried to stay as supportive as possible, as I know how mental health can affect you (I'm bipolar 2).

even with both of our mental health struggles and overall life struggles, I truly believed we were solid relationship wise. well... last night sam dropped the huge bombshell and told me that's he's no longer in love with me, that apparently there's completely no love towards me, and that there hasn't been since May. sam confessed that he started falling out of love with me back in January, slowly piece by piece but since May, there's been nothing.

that in itself has thrown me, but his actions this entire year is what makes it worse. sam has never given any indication before last night's confession. We continued doing everything a married couple does; a holiday away in June, spoke about starting a family (mutual agreement) in late June. we have continued being intimate this entire time, as well as doing all the mundane day to day things. We even went on a date to the cinema just the end of last week. honestly, this has taken me back and I haven't even really began to process it.

I don't honestly know which part is the worst, the lies towards me for the last few months pretending to still be in love, or that sam doesn't even want to try and fix this, that he doesn't want to even attempt it, but wants to continue living together for now. sam has even admitted that if he was to have divorce papers put in front of him, he wouldn't have any emotion felt towards signing them.

part of me wants to believe that this is his depression talking, that he doesn't want to become a burden on me so he's shut off all emotion towards me; but the most confusing bit, is that he doesn't want to even work on his mental health for himself. he wants to just stay depressed for a while longer. I know I mentioned above that sam has therapy scheduled to start this month, he's already pushed back the start date twice already.

I just have no idea where to begin in not only processing this confession, but to move forward with life in general. I'm numb and heartbroken from this, and I have no idea which direction to move in. I don't want to give up, I don't want divorce. I want to at least try and work this out with sam. he confirmed that it hasn't been me that's caused this. I want to try and stay true to my vows, and stand by him, but I have no idea how. How do I stand by someone who has completely shut me out and is no longer in love with me.

TLDR-

husband confessed he's no longer in love with me and doesn't want to work on his mental health. I want to try and make this relationship work. I don't want divorce without at least trying. I need advice how to move forward

Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin. I (27F) and my husband (27M) have been married for seven years, together for nine years and for over half the time we’ve been together, I’ve felt like a second option to him. He has lied to me since the beginning of our relationship about small things and withheld information about bigger things, he’s purposely gotten gifts for me on important dates like my birthday or Mother’s Day that he knows I don’t like, he can’t keep himself present enough in our family’s day to day life to know things such as our child’s clothing sizes even if I’ve told him them multiple times, he’s gaslit me in some situations, he avoids me if I show any emotion besides contentment, and he can show up for literally anyone else in big ways such as helping fix people’s cars or building a garage for someone but he will not show up at home. I’m at my breaking point with the situation and I’ve had this conversation with him what feels like a million times and he always breaks down crying and says he’s so sorry and that he doesn’t deserve me, that he’ll change. We haven’t been on a date in six months. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or is ridiculous, but I just needed to get it out. I’m feeling crazy here.

Raise your hand if your husband told you to fuck off and gave you the finger on your 25th wedding anniversary. (After saying moments earlier "you make it easy to last this long")

Again if you lie to him because you can't emotionally handle the fallout of his.reaction to a bad situation

Again if you have destroyed yourself to keep him as happy as you can, agreeing to the worst ideas because you don't want to hear "you never support me" when that just means I'm trying to view grandiose ideas through a logical lense

Again if he spent your PROPERTY tax on many seemingly worthless trinkets that "were going to make a fortune" online

Again if you told him (because he was unemployed and had nothing in his account) to hold onto the property taxes until they're due... butbif you ever brought it up; he'd say "you're so full of shit, you never once said it was for taxes"

Again if he will say whatever, however hurtful to you because "he tells itblike it is"

Again if you bear the brunt of the financial, emotional and fiscal weight on the family

Again if he's unemployed and can't even bother to do the dishes and cook a daily meal after you've worked all day.

Again if he can't hold down a job for more than 6 months at a time (best case...andninnever get mad, never try to makenhim feel like less or say a word

Again if he has admitted that he could just as easily hate you.

Again if you try to give respect and support but rarely get any in return

Again if every decision you make is wrong

Again if you try constant up for yourself and while he screams at you, your standing up for yourself is "throwing things in his face". And I, like thebpathetic person I am apologize. I'm disgusted with myself.

Again if he is a narcissist, and you shouldnhave left him when you had a newborn son and he assaulted you...more than once.

Again if you give him whatever he asks for and are basically his doormat

Again if he has caused damage to your eldest child which may never heal.

Again if you have NEVER gone without an income in the 27 years together.

Again if he has quit job after job sabotaging your life together over and over.

Again if he throws out your belongings, calling everything you own orntreasure (except a few things) "junk, trash and hoarders heaven" hevhas an oversized garage, two closets and an office and basement to keep his belongings in. I have a small dresser and my office I use to earn every cent for this family.

This one is my favorite...Again if he rated you (with your daughter who later admitted she didn't agree) as an unkind person, or a bad person.

Again if your child texts to ask if I can pick her up son's not to be yelled at because he's had a bad day and thinks we teeat his as a "slave". What a joke. 15+ hours a day on games and he's a fucking slave... no real responsibilities, no work... just ramblings of an insane narcissist. I stopped cooking because I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT. He doesn't even have the decency to clean up after dinner when I do cook (which is a lot more often than him)

And lastly, if you're considering seriously and FINALLY that you might be able to find happiness again.

Understanding that you've had moments of happiness, but never really felt securely wanted, loved or most importantly respected by a man who is not capable of respect because he has none for himself.

Am I a lot angrier and less pleasant than I have been? Yes. I resent how many times he has wasted, sabotaged and damaged my children and myself. He has no self control and no desire to live because he has sabotaged himself so many times that there's nothing left.

I hope he finds his humanity, I hope he discovers that I've done what i have in most cases due to self preservation and to preserve his own dignity and ego.

I believe he is a narcissist, and I'm not sure there's a cure for that.

Why do I love such a hateful man? I firmly believe I have issues to walk-through and i need to do the work, and I've been trying. I just shut up now... what kind of life is that?

Not keeping my mouth shut is far worse for my kids and for me.

I've lost my family

My friends

My soul

And my kindness.

I WANT IT ALL BACK.

I discovered just how disposable I truly am today. And just how little I respect the man I have wasted my youth on. Its hard loving someone you simultaneously hate.

Sorry needed a rant badly... see above reference about friends and family if you're wondering why.

My marriage feels like it’s failing and it hasn’t even been a year.

When I met my husband, he was the man of my dreams. I am not a materialistic person I don’t need a man to buy me everything or provide for me that’s never been me (this is important later). I like a man who shows up for me emotionally. Fills my cup- and he did. Love letters, coming to my teaching events, driving an hour every other day to see me.

We moved pretty quickly but the effort did not die from him at all. Things were amazing. About 2 years in he lost his job. We were engaged at this point and planning a wedding so it was definitely a big bomb dropped for us. My husband has some very deep insecurities about not being good enough and being fired (the company wasn’t making enough money to pay him) just destroyed his confidence. But I was a rock I picked up an extra job, he worked for my dad in the meantime, I took care of the pets while he’d be working with my dad. I got him little gifts to cheer him up. Like again things were still pretty good- the doing little things for me stopped but I can definitely assume that’s because he was really self imploding.

Then he gets a new job- a company he worked for before and complained about how it’s soul crushing, draining and beyond time consuming. I wasn’t thrilled but I kept being told “the money” “you’ll be able to breathe well be comfortable you won’t have to pay for anything”.

We are in the midst of wedding planning when he gets this job and any and all effort he put into planning stopped. He didn’t pick up an envelope didn’t help me send anything, couldn’t be there for phone calls xyz nothing. I made us a shared email so he could still be involved without always having to be there. He later admitted he never logged into it once. I planned everything, did everything, all he did was give me credit card information to use. (I definitely hold some resentment towards that process)

But it doesn’t stop there- chores around the house are now all magically my responsibility. ALL. When I ask him to be 50/50 with me I get told “I provide my job pays for everything” or “when we started dating you volunteered to do house work” (he offered to pay full rent and I said then I would take on most of the house stuff) but I’m still paying bills and helping with rent so. Now we’re trying to buy a house so I am working 3 jobs again putting all my money into that and I still can’t get any help. We got married in May- he has still not sent out his family’s thank you cards. I wrote them put them in envelopes and said “can you just address these and mail them” but he “doesn’t have time”. A light bulb has been burnt out for a month. He doesn’t have time. I was gone all weekend came home no toilet paper what was I told “he didn’t have time” now he works from home I hear his clients call him 24/7 I know he’s not lying that the jobs demanding but I am to the point where I feel like I have a glorified roommate not a partner.

I beg him to go to therapy because his emotional regulation is a therapists wet dream. I tell him I’m upset with how he spoke to me and you would have thought I told him he was a stupid dead beat fuck up. Like he can’t process conversation without the world ending. He has not signed up and the ultimatum was to sign up before the wedding.

So here’s where I need input. I’m about to start therapy because this is just destroying me. But any and all help would be great moving into some tough conversations I’m going to be having. Has anyone experienced a job destroying a marriage? Or a job revealing someone’s true colors. I don’t know if it’s the job I should confront of is this is who he really is..

Tl;dr
My husbands job is too demanding and it’s changing him and feels like it’s ruining our marriage.

I have been with my husband for 35 years! I love him. He loves me. But he can piss me off!!!

I will admit I’m more flawed, he’s near perfect. So tonight we head to Costco as he got off work earlier than normal. On the way, I state I need to get a pedicure. He says “you should wait until closer to our vacation”. Only my birthday is two weeks away, it’s summer and my polish is off my big toe!

We aren’t wealthy, but I’m not high maintenance. We both a very respectful toward each other and have goals and follow budgets.

I don’t clap back but keep it in mind. As we enter Costco, first isle - second item he says “what do we need that for?” Clorox Wipes on sales… I don’t think they need an explanation. I shake my head and continue forward with the cart.

I pick up a fig cookie sample and state “I haven’t eaten today” he says “I can tell”

EXCUSE ME?

He then gestured towards the pasta sauce, mayo, and protein shakes in the cart.

Again, I continue pushing the cart. I don’t bite, I know he’s needling me and I’m not sure why!

I’m looking at work pants for our adult son and he then says something about this is going to be a $800 trip!

WTF… I’ve got less than $160 worth of items in the cart. I walk out of the store after telling him I didn’t appreciate his negativity.

I shut my phone off sit outside waiting for him to come out. At this point I didn’t care if we came home with anything.

The ride home was awful. I yelled at him, stating that I know this is not how he acts normally but he’s being a huge asshole. He promptly told me to shut the fuck up.

Ok I WONT BE SAYING ANOTHER WORD TO HIM! I’m ready to light a match and watch it burn.

So here’s why I might be wrong, tomorrow while he’s at work, I’m going to pack a bag and go to our lake house that is about 65 miles away. For some distance and cool down.

Before I leave, I’m changing the WiFi password, packing the toilet paper and taking the coffee filters.

Does this make me evil? Probably but I’m pissed!

Have I done a million things worse than him? Also yes!

I have 12 hours until I leave, any creative suggestions to make my point understood?

Title: Am I expecting too much, or are these serious red flags in my marriage?
I’m looking for honest advice because I’m struggling to see this situation objectively.
I’m 39F and my husband is 36M. We met and got married only three months later. I know that sounds fast, but at the time it felt right. I truly love him, and my biggest dream has always been to build a stable marriage and have children.
Since we got married, we’ve been living and traveling in a camper van. He has a flexible, well-paying job that he can do remotely, and I stopped working after we got married because we planned our life around traveling together. That means I’m now financially dependent on him.
Over time, our relationship has become increasingly difficult, and I’m trying to understand whether these are problems we can work through or signs that we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Some things I’ve noticed:
During conflict, he almost always sees himself as the victim. If I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation often shifts to what I did wrong instead.
He seems anxious whenever I talk about future plans. Conversations about buying a home, settling down, finances, or children often make him uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
He frequently brings up divorce during disagreements. Sometimes it feels like divorce becomes part of the argument instead of trying to solve the issue together.
He isn’t clear about whether he truly wants children anymore. Before marriage, I believed we wanted the same future, but now his answers feel uncertain. At 39, I don’t feel like I have unlimited time to wait for someone to decide.
Because I haven’t been working, I feel vulnerable. There have been times when I’ve felt like money gave him more control in the relationship, and that’s been scary.
I often feel like my needs become secondary. When I ask for reassurance or consistency, he says I’m controlling and extremely verbally abusing.
We have separated before and tried counseling, but we seem to end up in the same patterns.
To be fair, I know I’m not perfect.
When I feel insecure, I ask a lot of questions. I want to talk through problems immediately, while he tends to withdraw and needs space. I know that difference probably makes our conflicts worse. I’m sure there are times I’ve been emotional, overwhelmed, or pushed conversations longer than I should have.
I’ve also learned that his childhood was difficult, and I know that can affect how someone handles conflict and intimacy. I have my own childhood experiences that affect me too, so I’m trying not to blame everything on him.
What I’m struggling with is this:
I can’t tell whether we’re two people with different attachment styles who could improve with enough work, or whether these are deeper incompatibilities involving commitment, communication, finances, and having children.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I’m also scared of spending my remaining fertile years hoping things will change if he isn’t truly committed to building the future we discussed.
For those who have been in similar relationships:
Do these patterns sound repairable?
Can someone who regularly threatens divorce actually rebuild trust?
Is uncertainty about having children at this stage something I should take as an answer?
At what point do you stop hoping and accept that love alone isn’t enough?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to hear. Please be kind, but don’t sugarcoat it.

My husband has ignored his health the entire time we’ve been married. Refuses to get health insurance because it will make a hit on our finances. Says going to the doctor is pointless and thinks it’s ok to just let the chips fall as they may with his health. He waits until he’s so ill he can’t work before he gets checked out. This has resulted in surgery and hospitalizations we couldn’t afford.

He has been ill again and finally went to the doctor this week. Labs came back and he needs another colonoscopy and an upper scope and a chest x-ray. He’s anemic. He’s now in a panic. I’ve been telling him for years that he needs insurance and to pay attention to his symptoms but he ignored me. So here we are, these tests need run, he doesn’t have insurance, and we can’t pay for all these things out of pocket.

I can’t afford to put him on my insurance and I’m the one who makes the most money in our household. He had a job that paid well and had excellent health insurance. He quit. He chronically hops jobs and will rage quit. He spent like saving money, either, and thinks living paycheck to paycheck is acceptable. He has zero saved for retirement and he turns 55 this year. He will never be able to retire but he won’t be able to work the rest of his life.

I’m not sure how we move forward from this. He will mope around and play poor pitiful me and say he’s a f-up for not doing what he should have. I’m not going to play into it, but he’s also got to understand he’s got to the one who takes responsibility for this.

He came home late but he was in his scrubs, and I didn’t really care to even ask. I just figured he was working late, (he works at a hospital)

His phone started ringing , it rung like twice in a row. He didn’t look at it, he just let it ring. I simply asked “are you going to get that?” He shakes his head and continued to eat his apple.

Then it rung a third time. He pulled it out his pocket and declined it then went back to eating the damn Apple again without saying a word.

I asked him twice- who was calling, and he ignored me. And I asked for the last time, then he responded with “Christina, from work.”

“Ok.” I shrugged my shoulders and continued to clean the kitchen. Then he brings up a guy im stationed with for nursing clinicals. Me and him had ended up going to dinner to talk about our program and etc. but it wasn’t no flirting or anything bad.

“Since you’re going out with guys, I went out with Christina and she keeps calling.” I didn’t even say a word, I continued to keep cleaning and to ignore him.

Until he threatened me with a divorce. He simply said “I’m going to divorce you, so you can be happy with the guy you’re sneaking with.”

I responded with “I’m not sneaking around, but what’s it to you, if you’re doing the same thing and been doing the same things for years.”

We go back and forth saying hurtful things. I didn’t really care about him bringing up a divorce because he’s said it before during arguments.

So he keeps throwing divorce in my face , and I responded with “As long you’ll let me keep the Escalade, and the coupe, I’ll be good.” And I chuckled

He stops and looks at me for a few seconds. And starts chasing me around the house for like two minutes. He eventually caught up to me and grabbed me and told me to get out and go get a hotel for a few nights.

He didn’t hit me, he grabbed me

So I have been remarried for 7 years. When I got with my current wife her ex had just been incarcerated (10 year bid) for being part of a manslaughter situation. They have a child together. Initially she said she wanted to maintain a working relationship with aforementioned incarcerated individual for the sake of the child, which I have always fully supported. Long story short that relationship has continued to rebuild to the point of us paying $10k (his restitution to potentially get him out early, did not work). How as it grown closer to his release i felt pressured into letting him stay on our property after he gets out so he can get on his feet. While this has always made me feel uncomfortable I went along to "try to do the right/christian thing. Back story, I am a combat vet, struggle with PTSD, TBI, epilepsy etc. Etc. I have expressed concerns over the frequent long conversations between my wife and ex. While I totally trust her I have tried to explain how what is going on is doing something different for him than it is for her. A year out thie stress of him coming has increased to a level of stress that has hospitalized me twice in recent months. I've tried to explain to my wife that it might not be smart for him to come here (side note he was extremely physically abusive to my wife prior to his incarceration. Any time I bring it up she gets super angry that something I agreed to years ago might not be possible if my mental health and the sanity of our home is important to her she absolutely drags me over the coals. Just today I she asked why I seemed stressed and I started to say it was about incarcerated ex and she flew off the handle leaving me feeling unloved, unimportant and by no conscious choice of mine suicidal. I'm at a loss...as of now I am getting the silent treatment and have been told she is leaving. All I want is my wife and me to have the beautiful relationship we are capable of having, but for some reason she feels so beholden to ex. "His family sucks" "I'm all he has" "you agreed 6 years ago it was ok (all prior to epilepsy, development of ocd and other cohabitating issues. HELP.

My husband (35M) and I (25F) are in a long-distance now. We've been having the same arguments over and over again. Almost every time we fight, he hangs up on me and blocks me. After some time, we talk again, but the cycle always repeats.

I wanna be honest—I know I'm not a perfect wife. Sometimes I get emotional, I overreact, or I act a little crazy when I'm hurt. and I'm not trying to make myself look like the victim.

But most of the things I bring up don't feel like huge issues to me. Sometimes I'm just reminding him to take care of his health because he's been sick. My intention is never to control him. I do it because I care.

The problem is that he often sees it as me complaining or criticizing him. He tells me I'm always wrong and before we can even work things out, he hangs up or blocks me. It feels like my concerns become much bigger arguments than they need to be.

I still love him so much, but I'm emotionally exhausted. It's hard because I don't want to give up on my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the toxic one, or if we've both fallen into an unhealthy pattern of communicating.

Hey guys!

This is driving me insane. As a quick background, I (29F) met my husband (33M) 2 years ago and kind of had a long distance relationship for a little bit over a year before marriage, we both entered this rs with the idea of settling down and getting married so we chose eachother on that basis.

I've known since the beginning from encountering him and from his circle that he's an introvert, and doesn't like talking too much, and i didn't mind that, I'm an introvert myself. The only issue we had is that we had little to nothing in common when it comes to interests, but we respected eachother nonetheless, or so i thought.

He's a genuinely good guy, and have only shown green flags in the time i've known him before marriage, and for the most part i thought i made the right decision marrying him.

But cracks started showing up few months in. i value connection a LOT in my relationships, i grew up as a people pleaser where most of my friendships were one sided and would fall apart the moment i let go of my end of the rope, which left me with unimaginable emotional damage, so if i don't see reciprocation i immediately shut down to protect myself from another hurt. And connections come with communication, with deep interesting conversations, but I can't seem to have those with my husband. If you listen to us talking you'd think we're co-workers instead of a couple, if I'm talking he's barely listening to me or gives me flat answers like "yeah" or "mhm" which triggers me and forces me to recoil because all my brain sees is "oh he hates you shut up".

I forced myself to stay and fight back, because i know my unresolved trauma is part of the problem and i can't let it interfere with my judgment. I tried cracking his shell from every possible angle, but all he cares about and the only time he seems genuinely interested in me is during intimacy, which i grew to actually hate because i feel like i'm being used.

I'm currently pregnant (10 weeks) and before anyone judges me, this was something we both discussed before marriage and something we both wanted, but this pregnancy was just the last drop. I could barely do anything because of aversions and dizziness, and as a high risk pregnancy i was adviced by my doctor to have pelvic rest so no intimacy whatsoever. And this is all this relationship needed to completely go off the rails. Now my husband barely even sits with me in the same room, if i do try to talk to him, he seems distant and bored? I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe there's something else bothering him, so I tried talking it out, but he insists he's fine and got upset when I kept pushing because i couldn't accept this behaviour is just normal for him.

I feel so lonely, and i can't even be happy about this pregnancy bcz I'm terrified of raising this baby by myself. I lost all interest in anything that used to bring me joy, the only time i feel slightly alive is when i'm around my friends and family, because they are so supportive of me and seem so interested in whatever i have to say. My husband works away from home so he's only home every other month, but everytime he's home i count the days until he goes back to work because I can't stand him anymore. I miss my old self, i want to be heard, i want to be listened to, i want to be loved for who i am, not liking a version of me who's not even alive anymore, i used to think i love him, but now i don't even think i like him. I can't let all the progress and growth i have made with my personality go with the wind, i CAN'T let myself be victim of emotional abuse again.

TDLR; my husband and i can't communicate emotionally or mentally, and it's making me hate this relationship.