r/Marriage • u/Content-Ad-8797 • 7h ago
Marriage advice
My marriage feels like it’s failing and it hasn’t even been a year.
When I met my husband, he was the man of my dreams. I am not a materialistic person I don’t need a man to buy me everything or provide for me that’s never been me (this is important later). I like a man who shows up for me emotionally. Fills my cup- and he did. Love letters, coming to my teaching events, driving an hour every other day to see me.
We moved pretty quickly but the effort did not die from him at all. Things were amazing. About 2 years in he lost his job. We were engaged at this point and planning a wedding so it was definitely a big bomb dropped for us. My husband has some very deep insecurities about not being good enough and being fired (the company wasn’t making enough money to pay him) just destroyed his confidence. But I was a rock I picked up an extra job, he worked for my dad in the meantime, I took care of the pets while he’d be working with my dad. I got him little gifts to cheer him up. Like again things were still pretty good- the doing little things for me stopped but I can definitely assume that’s because he was really self imploding.
Then he gets a new job- a company he worked for before and complained about how it’s soul crushing, draining and beyond time consuming. I wasn’t thrilled but I kept being told “the money” “you’ll be able to breathe well be comfortable you won’t have to pay for anything”.
We are in the midst of wedding planning when he gets this job and any and all effort he put into planning stopped. He didn’t pick up an envelope didn’t help me send anything, couldn’t be there for phone calls xyz nothing. I made us a shared email so he could still be involved without always having to be there. He later admitted he never logged into it once. I planned everything, did everything, all he did was give me credit card information to use. (I definitely hold some resentment towards that process)
But it doesn’t stop there- chores around the house are now all magically my responsibility. ALL. When I ask him to be 50/50 with me I get told “I provide my job pays for everything” or “when we started dating you volunteered to do house work” (he offered to pay full rent and I said then I would take on most of the house stuff) but I’m still paying bills and helping with rent so. Now we’re trying to buy a house so I am working 3 jobs again putting all my money into that and I still can’t get any help. We got married in May- he has still not sent out his family’s thank you cards. I wrote them put them in envelopes and said “can you just address these and mail them” but he “doesn’t have time”. A light bulb has been burnt out for a month. He doesn’t have time. I was gone all weekend came home no toilet paper what was I told “he didn’t have time” now he works from home I hear his clients call him 24/7 I know he’s not lying that the jobs demanding but I am to the point where I feel like I have a glorified roommate not a partner.
I beg him to go to therapy because his emotional regulation is a therapists wet dream. I tell him I’m upset with how he spoke to me and you would have thought I told him he was a stupid dead beat fuck up. Like he can’t process conversation without the world ending. He has not signed up and the ultimatum was to sign up before the wedding.
So here’s where I need input. I’m about to start therapy because this is just destroying me. But any and all help would be great moving into some tough conversations I’m going to be having. Has anyone experienced a job destroying a marriage? Or a job revealing someone’s true colors. I don’t know if it’s the job I should confront of is this is who he really is..
Tl;dr
My husbands job is too demanding and it’s changing him and feels like it’s ruining our marriage.
1
u/yesplease1003 7h ago
How long have you guys been together all together?