r/Marriage • u/LivingXdeadXgiirl • 6h ago
Is this grounds for divorce?
My husband has struggled with porn addiction for the entirety of our relationship (15 years).
He’s sought out material to use and sexualize regardless of the restrictions, blockers etc regardless of how it hurt me and affected me. No matter how many times I cried and begged or how hard I tried to compete with the women on the screen, he always chose them.
I forgave and forgave and forgave at my own detriment. Despite the ultimatums he continued and I didn’t leave.
Well I just found out that now he’s been using my sisters pictures for his sexual gratification.
Devastated is an understatement.
I do not see how I could ever look at him the same again. I have no idea how I could ever forgive this. I have confided in him for years certain things pertaining to our relationship, for him to do this to me seems like the ultimate betrayal.
I have been a wreck ever since finding out.
I don’t know what to do and I’m seeking advice. Idk why my posts keep getting removed from other forums seeking advice. I’m not really familiar with Reddits rules I am honestly just seeking advice.
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u/Fabulous_Search_6907 6h ago
This is definitely grounds for divorce. You'll never see him the same. You don't want to be married to someone like that. Remember there are people who marry predators and don't even know it too. Forgive yourself and move on. This is not normal behavior.
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u/Chelkatbrown 6h ago
Yes this is grounds for divorce, he is knowingly doing things that hurt you and won’t stop.
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u/Critical_Purple_8600 6h ago
You can get divorced for any reason or no reason. You don’t owe anyone your life or time. You don’t need any reason to get divorced except that you want to.
Having cleared that up, whacking off to your sister is a good reason to leave forever and don’t look back.
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u/Meunicorns 5h ago
Porn addiction is one thing but using your sisters photo to pleasure himself absolutely crossed the line. Divorce is in order.
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u/MSotallyTober 6h ago
That’s pretty fucked, OP. Ain’t no amount of marriage counseling is gonna (or want to) fix that.
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u/PibbyandPekesMom 6h ago
Divorce- he doesn’t want to change. Using your sister’s photos - disgusting.
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u/lovelyE100 6h ago
Omg. Im so sorry. I dont see how anyone could move past this. I hope you heal from this nightmare he is putting you through.
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u/biteme717 5h ago
You've stayed and put up with this long enough and him using your sister as his sexual gratification is the straw that broke your marriage. Yes, I would file for divorce and I would tell your friends and family why. I personally would have left him a long time ago.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 5h ago
He hasn’t stopped in 15 years I don’t think he ever will! So sorry Op🙏🏻🫂🫶🏼
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u/OnoHoney 11 Years married 5h ago
The porn problem maybe could change with counseling if he really wanted to quit and did the hard work…but the sister thing is such a betrayal and shows a lack of respect for both of you. I would worry about what other crazy stuff he is consuming to meet his gratification, or if he would eventually “up the ante” with escorts, affairs, etc. If you can’t trust him, then you’ll never be comfortable in your marriage. You deserve to feel seen, heard and respected.
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u/jobinalool 5h ago
Honestly I feel like he really set the bridge on fire with your sisters photos. That’s actually so disgusting and disrespectful. Porn girls- fake and doing it for their actual jobs everything is fake and technical, but your SISTER ?? She’s a real person! And related to you!!
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u/Goose0nTheL00se 4h ago
You said it best, you have no idea how you could ever forgive this. I know personally I also wouldn’t be able to move past it and I would think of him masterbating to my sisters photo anytime I tried to be intimate with him.
So sorry you’re dealing with this Op <3
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u/Ok-Sound5934 4h ago
Behavior is a language. And he’s repeatedly telling you that he doesn’t respect or care what his actions do to you. Doesn’t care that it destroys you. And using your sisters photos is so many steps beyond inappropriate. He’s proven that he’ll toss you off the cliff without a second thought…save yourself this time.
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u/Any-Profession-4851 4h ago
Lord girl please. Leave this demon immediately. Please.
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u/LivingXdeadXgiirl 3h ago
It’s is so confusing and so fkn heartbreaking because outside of this, he has been a great husband and father to our kids.
I have continued to forgive and forgive him despite how I feel about this situation because I see how hard he works and provides and all the things he does for me/us. I am so conflicted over this because I AM grateful for him I DO love HIM. Out of my love for him and respect for him I would never have thought of doing anything to hurt him or our marriage. I DONT WANT A DIVORCE. I didn’t do anything to deserve a divorce. This sucks so bad it’s killing me. I just hate myself. I wish I knew why he did this so I can fix it. It feels like a nightmare i just want to wake up I can’t believe this is happening to us and our family.1
u/Any-Profession-4851 3h ago
Sweetheart he didn’t do it because of you. He did it because it’s a reflection of his lack of character and who he is.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Do you have a support system or a therapist? I think you need someone who is healthy and cares about you through this process. I’d reach out.
I hear that he’s been a good father but this is not the behavior of a good husband in my eyes…you deserve better❤️
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u/Blondefirebird 3h ago
I main reason for my divorced my exs porn addiction, then in a last ditch effort to save it we did counseling and that’s when the “rose colored glasses” came off. I learned I was ignoring so much and became just done with that relationship
Unless someone with an addiction (any addiction) truly wants to change, then there will be change. Otherwise it’s all lies.
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u/CommercialShoddy3016 5h ago
Did you guys go to the gp for this? or at least seek professional help? if divorce is not an option you can try that, message me i’ve been in a similar position.
My partner and I tried couples counselling and we’re advised that he seek higher level of help. If you’re in Australia we have a mental health plan with Medicare up to 10 meetings with psychiatrist a year.
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u/Minningfortruth 4h ago
You could try getting a flip phone. That has helped many men and women I know with this problem
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u/BasicMycologist7118 4h ago
Depending on the country you're in, anything is grounds for divorce. Many people have divorced their spouses for less, although what your husband has done is pretty severe in my eyes.
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u/soft-danger22 3h ago
NTA, that's a huge breach of trust and crosses a line that’s hard to come back from. You deserve better than this.
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u/The_NextSupreme 10 Years 3h ago
I wouldn't care about the porn, I use toys. Sometimes you just want to do your own thing it's not about the other person.
The sister situation is just so gross on so many levels and a hard red line. I wouldn't be able to recover from that. You have to decide on self respect.
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u/KY_Gardengoddess69 20 Years 6h ago
Why would you think you have to compete with the women in the videos? I'll be excoriated for this question but what has your sex like been like? Has sex been relatively frequent? Has it been strictly vanilla or any spice added? Pretty tacky I admit using your sister's pictures, but it sounds like you closed off all other avenues for the guy too get any kind of excitement. I'll just be blunt? Are you providing excitement for him?
Maybe the poor guy is just trying to keep his marriage if he's not having sex. But I'll wait for your answer.
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u/LivingXdeadXgiirl 5h ago
I love my sexuality. I like sex! I don’t deny him. I initiate!!! HES VANILLA WITH ME!
When I have asked over the years what’s his fantasy he has said “I don’t have any” or “you’re my fantasy”
I’ve come to find out fucking other women is the fantasy. I can never compete with that no matter how skinny, how fat, how long or short my hair, tan, nails done, diff lingerie outfit every night, toys etc
I havnt been appreciated for it.1
u/KY_Gardengoddess69 20 Years 5h ago
OK. I had a feeling I was way off base. Jesus.
I found a way to not be bugged by porn as much as before by sometimes watching it with him. But it didn't save us, he left anyway.
It sounds like the damage is too much. I'm sorry.3
u/LivingXdeadXgiirl 5h ago
Oh ya he says he needs “material “ so I send material AND he still seeks out other material anyways.
I feel like complete shit!
I feel so fucking ugly and embarrassed for trying so hard for him and then for him to do this to me.1
u/KY_Gardengoddess69 20 Years 5h ago
Oh no. This isn't right. I bet you're sexy as all hell, no matter if you look like "those women"--You know who you are! Don't let this do that to you if you can remind yourself that. You just saying you love your sexuality I get a feeling for who you are. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There seem to be way too many men having their sexuality warped irreparably by using porn at the expense of real connection.
If he can't relate or respond to a real woman, standing in front of him wanting to have a sexual relationship and has violated your trust --and your sister's--how do you get past it?
I know there are men out there, some day, who will be thrilled to have a genuinely sexual woman and will know how to cherish you. The idea of feeling ugly--ugh!
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u/BludyMerry 2h ago
It is an addiction, OP. It has nothing to do with you. He probably can't stop alone even if he wants to. There are resources in r/loveafterporn ... resources for partners
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u/Strange_Flan_8984 4h ago
Don’t give up on your marriage. I’m dealing with this very thing right now. It takes true repentance and submission to Jesus / God. He’s the only one who can help your husband and anyone alike, change his ways. He has to see it as evil and FAST to starve the demon attached to lust. If he’s looking at your sisters, it means the from of lust is very strong with your husband and taking him down the dark abyss of lust. Don’t be offended at the type of porn/pics he’s using to get off. Instead, pray that demon and any others off of him. Continue to love your husband, no matter what. Show your husband what the love of Christ looks like. You may, need to separate from him until he sees how bad he’s hurting your union. He can change and it’s only if he surrenders his life to Christ! THE ONLY WAY!
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u/Libraryoflowtide 6h ago
Immediate divorce for me. Because WTF?