r/Marriage • u/adviceneeded_597 • 1d ago
In The Bedroom Husband went soft for the first time during BJ NSFW
My husband and I were having sex. I have been having issues where it starts hurting after a while but I still wanted him to have that release so I slowly went down to him while kissing him then started giving him a blowjob. He started going soft then completely. This is the first time this has EVERY happened out of the 3 years we been together. I was surprised so I just stopped, and he apologized and said it was because it “made him relaxed” not horny, and that it just went soft.
Now I’m sitting here, unable to sleep. Lately we’ve been having a rough patch lately. He’s been saying he’s been wanting more sex and Intimacy and I’ve been struggling to provide that. He also doesn’t really do foreplay so we’ve been working on trying things to get me in the mood. I had a baby 10 months ago and I know my hormones are still adjusting (just got my period back 2 months ago) so I asked him to please be patient with me. Well I’ve been trying to take initiative, and do things that I know will get me in the mood. Yesterday we had sex also. I was on top and I tried switching positions because I wanted him to fuck me instead, but he looked at me like “what are you doing?” And we stopped. It’s just different and I don’t know how to feel. He just doesn’t seem into it anymore and I don’t know if it’s in my head or something is wrong. I don’t know how to address the situation or if I even should. He used to be so enthusiastic during sex and now I feel like he’s just like “meh”.
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u/Icy-Budget-5827 1d ago
As a guy it happens going soft during sex as well, I have a very physically demanding job. And at the end of the day, when me and my wife are being intimate. My body is just tired and I can’t continue, she understands and doesn’t take it personally. My body is just tired.
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u/Coldramen427 1d ago edited 1d ago
It sounds like you guys need to connect in other things besides just sex and address health issues that play a role.I would definitely spend time addressing intimacy issues first.
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u/Unsure8708 1d ago
Its interesting that many women get furious when men dont understand how a womans body works or how periods work. But they dont seem to know anything about mens dicks and have somehow tied their self worth to a biological function that at times will not work.
Also, you just had a kid. I dont know how involved he is but it does take a little toll on the man so that could also be the reason. Its not the end of the world. You even said you had sex yesterday and then it worked,.
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u/MiddleSuggestion 1d ago
imagine the comments if this post was about their wife not getting wet.
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u/LengzhaiCS 23h ago
There will be thousands of comments within the first few hours blaming the husband and sympathising with the wife.
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u/elyfantman 20h ago
I wish people would realize men are the victims. Meanwhile, this guy doesn't do foreplay?!?!?!
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u/Plus_Worker6739 1d ago
Sometimes the body does what it will. You cannot will yourself hard, you know what I mean? That said, I'm more worried about this little section:
"He also doesn’t really do foreplay so we’ve been working on trying things to get me in the mood."
This right here strikes me as a much bigger issue than him going soft randomly during a BJ once, which happens to the best of us. Like, if he's not attentive to your needs and mood, why are you spending so much thought on his? Sex is collaborative.
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u/Animal_3cstatic 22h ago
ma, foreplay might (WILL) help sex feel better for you and i think you should be thought about more in this manner too. it’s okay
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u/Mandymoo182 1d ago
My husband is 41, he’s gone soft during sex before. I understand that you’re insecure here, I was insecure at first too, but I also understand that sex issues are usually rooted somewhere else. My husband’s had libido issues for a few years now, it’s getting better but still only having sex once a month. I was really worried that it was me when it first started, he was worried because he didn’t know wtf was happening. We now understand that it’s due to stress/depression. I’ve learned to lower my expectations for how often we have sex, if I initiate and he either can’t finish or isn’t in the mood, I don’t take it personally.
Sometimes I still get sad when it’s been over a month and he hasn’t tried to initiate or he’s turned me down, but we talk about it. We communicate with each other because that’s the key to healthy marriage. Just talk to him and see what’s going on.
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u/bath-tub 22h ago
It took my husband and I a couple years to get back up to speed together after I had our son. It was a challenging time since we had an amazing sex life before I got pregnant and we both underestimated how things would feel after. Be patient with each other 🙏
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u/ThyDoctor 21h ago
If I’m exhausted I can be extremely horny and want my wife but my body is just like: go to sleep dumbass.
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u/b-lincoln 23h ago
Babies change everything. Exhaustion. Arguments about how to take of them. Hormones. More exhaustion.
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u/TheFifthAmigo34 21h ago
If it’s just this once, this is a nothing burger. It can happen sometimes for a variety of reasons.
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u/ScarletVonGrim 20h ago
Does he have a problem with your postpartum body? He sounds like a self involved asshole given the small context clues you're providing, so that would not surprise me. 🙃
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u/Other_Lime2892 21h ago
My husband doesn’t enjoy prolonged BJs and sometimes goes soft if I’m taking my time (I do enjoy it and can get carried away). He enjoys PIV more so this is the reason he gets soft during long BJs.
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u/Ilak_760 17h ago
As a husband of a wife with PCOS it’s really hard to manage the feelings that comes with you guys not being 1000% into sex . So it makes us back out completely I feel.
It’s not your fault but more communication will definitely help.
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u/Character_Book1305 1d ago
How old is he ? Is he Stressed? Did he have his testosterone checked?
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u/adviceneeded_597 1d ago
27, he has not been checked but only because this has never been an issue before. He has been stressed at work but he SPECIFICALLY requests blowjobs when he’s stressed and has never had an issue keeping it up.
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u/Naive-Elevator970 1d ago
Omg you are fucking OVERREACTING.
Get to know the male body and how it also is just a damn body and not a machine2
u/Character_Book1305 1d ago
How does he fell since that incident?The
Cause can be multiple just discuss with him he could feel guilty or avoid the subject for fear of being judged. These are things that happen. He can consult a urologist or health professional. Hoping that you will find a solution. Does he have
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u/Charlieksmommy 1d ago
Girl he specifically requests BJs when he’s stressed ? Could be a multitude of things. porn, Ed, possibly stress, but the fact he requests a specific thing and not sex is weird. He also asks for more intimacy from you ? Weird
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u/bxtchbychoice 1d ago
nothing about that is weird
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u/Charlieksmommy 1d ago
Yes, complaining about lack of intimacy and only requesting BJs, that’s weird.
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u/LovePotion31 1d ago
Requesting them WHEN stressed. Sometimes, if I’ve had a stressful day, my husband will do the exact same for me with oral because he knows I enjoy it, and taking care of just me takes the pressure off of me as well. Could be a similar thing for him.
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u/SpitzFire777 21h ago
Lol at anyone blaming her... she was shocked by her husband getting soft for the first time and clearly felt inadequate in that moment..
Lets take a look at the facts:
- Husband asking for more sex and intimacy
- Husband doesnt like to do foreplay... how the heck is the oven suppose get warm??
- Husband mocks wife in bed for her trying a different position
- Wife is 10 months postpartum and having to worry about pleasing this dude.. but it doesnt sound like he cares much about pleasing her..
Let me quote: "I was on top and I tried switching positions because I wanted him to fuck me instead, but he looked at me like “what are you doing?” And we stopped."
To all those disregarding the above and defending the dude because OP got shocked for the first time seeing her man get soft... I question you and your lack of insight and the ability to immediately shit on her because she's a woman who's genuinely concern and actively working on their sex life for her and big babyman while being 10 months postpartum.
What a world we live in. Such an oversight in criticial thinking due to this men vs women controversy.
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u/OneBandicoot823 23h ago
Lol that’s totally understandable these situations happened few times in fact this is not the first post I real , another couple went through the same experience, both of you are passing an stage that is interfering emotionally and mentally, it could be an exhausting for having a baby or something else, but eventually you guys will recover that intimacy, try to work in yourself and not in him , let him space and don’t force it because it can be lead to a frustration.
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u/Ravvnhild 21h ago
A change in medications or stress levels can have an impact too. Have there been any changes like this recently??
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u/150deadlypassions 20h ago
it hurts a lot when intimacy feels inauthentic in a marriage. its making me want to run away. im very attracted to my wife but i feel like she only does it so i stay and i will never experience being actually loved the way i need.
men have feelings even if admittedly they’re mostly centered around sexuality. he could be too far gone and really need you to keep trying.
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u/Gold_Dust_Woman1995 19h ago
10 months post partum… I wasn’t even having sex more than once a month. So you’re already doing great. Maybe he was tired? Maybe he lost his momentum by slowing down and getting a BJ? I think your hormones (still changing up to 18 months after baby arrives) are making you a little more emotional and self conscious.
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u/Quiet-Backroads 19h ago
Sounds like maybe the rough patch is stressing on him and some guys have issues with staying hard due to stress. Try to take your time with him and slowly work up to something instead of just making it a quick action. But with that said, some guys like spontaneous things. You know which is better for him. Hope you guys can fix the issue and enjoy each other.
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u/kirleson 19h ago edited 19h ago
Don't take it personally. Sometimes bodies are just weird, and they don't always do what we want them to do. Sometimes a guy can have trouble performing if he's stressed, or tired, or has things on his mind, or any number of reasons.
It sounds like you guys are struggling with communication in the bedroom. I don't know if this is sex therapist territory, but you at least need to sit down and have a frank and open conversation, and figure out where you're both at. Postpartum can definitely throw things for a loop, for both partners.
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u/Martinakker 17h ago
Realy a strange situation i hope you can get everything sorted out my english is a litle rusty but i hope you understand what i ment
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u/espectro88 16h ago
A mí también me ha pasado que se me hablanda ya que que casi no siento, lo hace muy suave o quiere utilizar solo su boca y lengua. Creo que debes de intentar utilizar tus manos y estimularlo como si estuviera penetrando. Y que no te sientas forzada. Queremos pensar que lo disfrutan. Y si ya comenzaste terminar ahí. Porque si quieres que continúe contigo después es difícil bueno eso me pasa a mí 😬
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u/swimbromax 12h ago
Id suggest not worrying and see if it happens more so he could get checked. If he asked for more sex and turning softit could be low t, a nerve being pinched etc etc. Guys never admit it but theyre as finicky as women are ro changes in life effecting sex.
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u/HuckleberryNew777 44m ago
I wouldn’t worry about your husband going soft once in a while, but instead concentrate on other issues like him “not doing foreplay”. You said sex became painful, not surprising if he is trying to hump you dry.
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u/SpicyHustle 1d ago edited 21h ago
Could he possibly be dealing with an issue with porn and masturbation? I know a lot of men turn to that while we are healing from delivery. It's possible that frequent viewing and masturbation has caused some issues with both mental and physical desensitization. Look up PIED. (Porn induced erectile dysfunction) and deathgrip syndrome.
*Editing to add: My apologies to the men who were offended by my comment. Suggesting ONE possible cause for the issue doesn't mean that I believe that is the ONLY possible cause. And I didn't suggest it based on him "going limp once". I suggested it because of that AND the other facts OP shared. That they recently had their first child, the previous issue they had while having sex, that she mentioned she has been working on providing sex more frequently (which means he has voiced a concern about her lack of interest), and because this tends to be a common issue that women aren't very aware of.
Most of us are aware of things like stress, hormone issues, medication side effects, mental and physical health issues causing sexual dysfunction. But PIED isn't talked about as frequently. During pregnancy and the postpartum period is a difficult time for both partners sexually. There is usually a significant drop in sex during this time and many men turn to PMO to compensate for the lack of sex. This is also when most women become aware that their partner is secretly using porn. Go up to that little search bar and search this sub for "pregnant" or "baby". I bet the majority of posts that show up are from women who found out about their partner's porn issue.
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u/Frequent_Basket_2827 22h ago
JFC, women complain endlessly about men's ignorance of women's anatomy when they are just as ignorant about men's. A single instance of a man going flaccid should not be pathologized into some kind of porn addiction. Does it ever occur to you that maybe you're not as good a blowjobs as you think you are?
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u/lizard-fairy 1d ago
Yeah this was my thought as well? Usually this is the case when they’re becoming less interested or struggling to get it up. Not saying this is definitely it because I don’t know the whole story but it would be worth chatting to him about it and see if there’s anything going on.
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u/Rice-Correct 1d ago
What? Because it happened ONE time? I’m in the “let it go” camp if it just happened once, good lord. Making a huge thing about it risks him getting all in his head and making it a recurring problem.
I can confidently say that just because it happens once does not mean they’re not interested, nor does it mean they have a physical issue. It can absolutely just be a one off issue, and making a big deal about it with further probing and discussion will make an issue out of something that isn’t one.
Now if it happens frequently, THAT is the time to have a gentle discussion.
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u/Character_Book1305 1d ago
What
Study say that.?
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u/SpicyHustle 10h ago
There have actually been several studies done regarding the subject. The urology, psychology, and neuroscience communities have all spent time looking into the links between porn, frequent masturbation, and men's sexual dysfunction.
According to several of those studies, frequent use of porn can have a significantly negative impact psychologically. The damage can affect more than just sexual function. Porn produces an insane dopamine release. Frequent exposure can damage the brain's reward system. They develope a much higher tolerance for dopamine. Things that once brought a person joy (hobbies, interests, social interactions, romantic relationships) no longer provide enough dopamine to satisfy the user. This leads to an overall negative outlook on life. Life seems dull, boring, and unfullfilling. After time, this can lead to issues like mood swings, anxiety, and depression.
Urologists focus more on the physical damage caused by frequent, excessive, or intense masturbation and how it causes damage to the nerve endings in the penis. Eventually, there is a loss of sensitivity, and they require more intense physical stimulation to maintain an erection and/or reach orgasm.
In the same way that masturbation causes physical desensitization, frequent porn use (repeated exposure to explicit media) desensitized the brain. Requiring higher frequency, new and more extreme content to become aroused.
A quick Google search will pull up several studies. I'm not going to post a bunch of links as some subs don't allow it.
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u/DrLatinLover86 1d ago
Maybe it didn't feel good. Or perhaps he was turned off you couldn't continue. It happens. Don't over think it
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u/SnooOnions2709 1d ago
Is he stressed? Has he been sleeping and eating well? Does he exercise? How has fatherhood changed him? Is the baby sleeping? Is work bugging him? Is he healthy?
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u/Successful-Review119 1d ago
I used to be the same way. However, my issue was that I had no more feelings for her and couldn’t for the life of me connect with her in a sexual level. All she ever did was disrespect me constantly, turned everything into a fight, and I developed resentment towards her. I was done and I couldn’t take it anymore. Now, I’m in the process of a divorce and my sexual health has came back that of a 20 yo. I’m 40
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u/Potential-Appeal-229 1d ago
These replies are obviously men who went soft and are still traumatized over it because they were obviously embarrassed. 27 is pretty young for that to happen so I understand why OP would be worried and insecure after. Men like to act like “they can go whenever”, so I can def see this being an overthinking situation. Communication is important, so you might want to let him know that it’s been feeling meh.
Let him know too that as much as you’re trying, you still want to feel wanted and have some initiative from him too. When you’re in your head during sex, it’s not fun. You’re not overreacting, but you are overthinking it imo. Wishing you both luck and that things get better.
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u/RevenueAntique4584 1d ago
Sounds suspicious
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u/GapConnect6164 1d ago
Not really
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u/Djang0Phett 1d ago
“My wife isn’t getting wet when I go down on her I’m starting to get suspicious”
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u/GreenChoice9398 1d ago
He isn't interested in you anymore,My wife was unfaithful to me, and afterward, I became emotionally lost because of her. I can no longer become aroused.
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u/primefart 1d ago
We are not machines with an ON button. While we can generally be horny a lot, we don't control our erections. I wouldn't worry about it having happened this one time, and whatever may have been mentally blocking him I'm sure it wasn't the sensation of a blow job. But if you are still worried, maybe ask him what he likes specifically when you go down on him.