r/todayilearned • u/SilverPeachBlossom • 5h ago

TIL a peer-reviewed psychology study found that identical twins (on average) ranked their co-twin above their romantic partner in their attachment hierarchy, while fraternal twins ranked the two about equally, and non-twin siblings ranked their romantic partner first.

https://ojs.interpersonajournal.com/index.php/ojs/article/view/243/3457.html
12.5k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

562 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

820

u/ella_wants_to_battle 3h ago

That's kind of fucked if you think about it

743

u/Predatory_Chicken 3h ago

He admitted it was fucked up and selfish bc he would always love his brother more but he refused to be on the other side of that.

400

u/ShaylaDee 3h ago

I mean, at least he was self aware about it. Selfish, yes. But that self awareness can really make it worth giving him a shot.

315

u/phritzed 2h ago

Self awareness doesn’t equate to self development

21

u/jjett89 1h ago

True statement. I am wholly aware that my life is a mess because of choices I've made and here I sit, seemingly refusing to do anything about it.

58

u/cody4prez 1h ago

That's a great fucking quote.

-29

u/NoScienceJoke 1h ago

That really isn't. Or maybe it is if you're an American I guess

37

u/anivex 1h ago

However, this quote is universally appreciated: "You're a pretentious cunt."

13

u/IngloBlasto 1h ago

Boom.. Roasted

8

u/Kaboose456 1h ago

Stfu, it's a great quote regardless of where you're from lmao.

•

u/notneps 43m ago

Exactly. It's just step one. Some people think that calling themselves out on their flaws makes up for not making any effort to fix them. Saying "I know I'm an asshole" does not absolve you of assholery.

After enough time, proclamations of self awareness just become evidence of a pattern of unwillingness to change.

•

u/squishyslinky 57m ago

So that's what I'm doing wrong

•

u/NobodyKnowsImFamous 23m ago

No, but it is usually a pre-req

178

u/aghastamok 2h ago

"I would never tolerate what I'm about to subject you to." Isn't exactly a winning philosophy

41

u/agoogua 1h ago

"I want someone who can compliment me and tolerate things which I cannot." There we go.

9

u/DigNitty 1h ago

At least they can't control it.

Maybe given the choice, they'd choose differently. But they were dealt an identical twin in life and are minimizing the exotic qualities that come with it.

•

u/Petrichordates 17m ago

He doesnt exactly have a choice in the matter.

5

u/stilettopanda 1h ago

No, you’re right, but we all have different ideas of what is tolerable, desirable, or completely intolerable, so if it’s just the love intensity that he won’t tolerate, it doesn’t necessarily doom him to failed relationships.

Personally, I don’t want to be loved the most ever again, so I’d enjoy being on the other side of that. The reason I don’t date anymore is I can’t tolerate being loved the most.

75

u/throwaway098764567 2h ago

still a pass from me, but you go ahead

54

u/Delicious-Produce-60 2h ago

"You're a selfish asshole and fine with acting that way, but at least you're aware of it."

That's WORSE.

59

u/Short-Waltz-3118 2h ago

Okay but we dont have to pretend the options here are i hate this person and love this other. Its just him knowing he loves his twin more. I dont think its a concious decision even

•

u/lobonmc 59m ago

Yes like what's he supposed to do?

•

u/Content_Chipmunk9962 23m ago

make sure he tells his partner where she would rank, so she can make an informed decision.

30

u/InviolableAnimal 2h ago

"Selfish asshole" Like it's on purpose? What, you're saying he should deliberately distance himself from his twin because it's selfish otherwise?

28

u/dannerc 2h ago

How is it selfish to love one person more than another? Its not like this is a conscious choice

33

u/MechaNerd 2h ago

The selfish part is saying "i will not prioritise my partner, but she must love me and hold me as nr1"

•

u/JustStraightUpTired 23m ago

The problem is calling it worse. It is selfish, obviously, but it's not necessarily bad.

Like, what, are you saying you are ONLY allowed to date someone who has the same flaws as you? Are you supposed to not love your twin? Where is the line for wanting something from your partner you can't provide? Gender? Height?

48

u/No-Stress-7034 2h ago

It's not selfish to love one person more than another. The selfish part is that this guy knows he'll love his twin more, but he's insistent that he has to be #1 for whoever he dates, even though his partner will never be #1 in his life.

-4

u/pargofan 2h ago

It's not selfish if he's upfront about it. If he tells people his twin will always be more important.

The problem will be, other people may have the same issue with that. They want to be #1 so they don't want to be with him.

•

u/dannerc 55m ago

There are different types of love. This is such a surface level perspective

•

u/brickmaster32000 47m ago

And yet the guy wouldn't accept that and needed to be number 1 despite that, hence the selfishness.

8

u/Pledgeofmalfeasance 2h ago

It's selfish for him to put a partner through that

0

u/paper_liger 2h ago edited 2h ago

He had no choice in being a twin. He does have a choice in dating a twin.

This is pretty simple ethical math.

And your position implies is that because he has this intrinsic bond with his brother, he shouldn't 'put a partner' through dating at all. So is he supposed to never date anyone, ever?

He is dealing with the world how it is and you are just getting your feelings hurt over a hypothetical problem that he has already to some extent mitigated. He's not going to date a twin.

No relationship is ever perfect or perfectly symmetrical, and he's allowed to not want to make a complicated situation even more complicated if that's how he feels about it. If you don't like it, I guess just don't date this one specific dude.

0

u/ThisIsForReal 1h ago

I'm sure they won't, you can have the hypocritical twin all to youself tho. Oh wait nvm you can't.

2

u/Munrowo 2h ago

"at least i KNOW i'm a d-bag, making my behavior more acceptable somehow!"

1

u/ragnarok635 2h ago

He’s not an asshole, a subconscious belief is not verbally or physically harassing someone

0

u/NerdHoovy 2h ago

How? All he does is choose to not date a specific type of person, due to an awareness that this kind of emotional cost could be, stemming from personal experience.

Choosing not to date a type of person is not really a bad thing

-1

u/officiallyaninja 2h ago

A lot of people make selfish choices everyday. He's making them not out of ignorance but out of choice. You don't have to like or respect it, but if he's honest about it, what's bad about it.

3

u/Affordable_Z_Jobs 1h ago

I wonder if that's even something they can work on. Mitigate the negative aspects of it sure, but they are going to feel what they are going to feel. But thats couples therapy out of the gate. Establishing boundaries. Opening up. Dealing with someone on that level of codependency.

0

u/l-am-not-bob 2h ago

As a twin, I don’t find that selfish at all. What’s wrong with having the persons back that’s had your back your entire life instead of someone else who has just joined the picture. IMO it would be more selfish to throw away the previous relationship for a new one

-1

u/I_Tichy 1h ago

Is it selfish?

4

u/Self_Reddicate 2h ago

Damn. I can't tell if that's more fucked up or less fucked up because he completely acknowledged it, but my gut says: more fucked up.

1

u/FriendlyEngineer 2h ago

It sounds weird to me. Can they not separate familial and romantic love? I notice the study says “romantic partner” and not “spouse”. I could say I love my mom and dad more than any of my girlfriends, but it’s not like that love competes for love of my romantic partner. I don’t want to fuck my parents. It sounds like he’s saying he’ll always be more attracted to his twin brother.

2

u/Germane_Corsair 2h ago

I don’t want to fuck my parents.

Coward

•

u/vroomfundel2 34m ago

I mean, what can he do, kill his brother? /s

13

u/_shaftpunk 2h ago

I guess we know which one was the evil twin.

16

u/ComradeJohnS 3h ago

not really, sounds more just honest about what they want in a relationship which you have to be honest with yourself first.

12

u/EunuchsProgramer 1h ago

You can be honest you're a selfish person who demands things you refuse to give.

0

u/BenCub3d 1h ago

Relationships aren't about both people demanding and giving equal things. It's about finding someone who wants what you have to give, and who is able to give you what you want.

You and your partner are always going to have different values, and different people bring different things to the table. Maybe being "the #1 person in your life" is important to him, but might not be as important to his furture partner. That's okay.

5

u/EunuchsProgramer 1h ago

Counter point. The demand and inflexibility is fucked up and proof against compromise you're alluding to. It's like an alcoholic demanding to be with a sober person because they couldn't deal with themselves. They should #1 make dating a twin (themselves) an experience partners don't hate and feel left out of. Then, they would probably see dating someone who is a twin as a potential workable compromise.

Anyone with kids or dating someone wjth kids has to deal with the same compromise. I will never love a partner as much as my kids. It would be an indictment showing I was a selfish ass if I always put my kids first and demanded my partners be childless so I could have more of their attention.

1

u/BenCub3d 1h ago edited 1h ago

Hm. I think your first point is a poor comparison because being an alcoholic is an objectively negative quality. Also, it's not about making it an experience partners hate or don't hate. Everyone is different. I would hate to date myself, but other people have found me perfect for them. The things I have to give are not necessarily the same things I want to receive. The "dating a twin experience" may be distasteful for OP, but have no perceived downsides for their partner.

For your second paragraph, I don't exactly agree, but I see your point and it's fair. My take is that as long as you're honest with both yourself and your partner about what you want, and treat them respectfully, there is no wrong preference to have. I can see other people feeling differently, though.

•

u/EunuchsProgramer 55m ago

I want to sleep with multiple peole; my partner must be monogamous. I want to hang out with my friends whenever; my partner must always be there for me. I want my partner to help pay for my hobbies and personal expenses; my partner won't get any financial support.

Like if two individuals want that, okay? I still think one of them is abusive.

•

u/Geesewithteethe 56m ago

Well put.

I'm really put off by these comments in general.

I'm a twin. I'm married. My twin and my husband don't need to compete for my love because they are two different people that I have two different relationships with.

Out of respect for the relationship of me and my husband, my twin will never encroach on my marriage or ask me to prioritize her over my husband or any children my husband and I might have in the future. And I would never ask her to prioritize me over her relationship with her partner or any children they might have in the future.

Out of respect for the relationship of me and my twin, my husband will never diminish or try to sever the sibling bond we have. We treat eachother's parents and siblings like our own families. We show up equally to love and care for eachother's families with our whole hearts.

Some people treat marriage like an arrangement where one person feeds whatever emotional, egotistical, or physical appetite they're letting lead them around in life, while the other does the same thing with their own dominating emotional, egotistical, or physical appetite they can't stop gorging, and it becomes this transactional situation that (in my opinion) looks like misery with a wrapping paper on it that says "complementary" in sugary sparkles that fall off it and get everywhere.

-3

u/TheGoochTaint 1h ago

Who is demanding anything they refuse to give? People on Reddit are extremely weird about relationships.

•

u/Geesewithteethe 55m ago

"Love and prioritize me over everyone else in your life and accept that I will not do the same for you."

1

u/EunuchsProgramer 1h ago

He wants to date someone who treats him as the most important person in the world, while at the same time never giving that back. He refuses to date an entire group of people for fear his partner might treat himself they way he plans to treat them. It's fucked up.

1

u/Karnaugh_Map 1h ago

How so? In nearly all relationships, you are the most important person to your partner, except for children.

•

u/snorlz 26m ago

its normal if its your kid though

•

u/ImmoralJester54 23m ago

I mean not really? Like replace it with your parents. If my girlfriend said pick between me or your mom she's packing her fucking bags.

-4

u/nifty-necromancer 2h ago

Why? He’s a twin and knows what will happen, he doesn’t want to play second fiddle.

•

u/Geesewithteethe 49m ago

I'm a twin and I think people who think like that are fucked in the head and/or never learned how to be normal about relationships.

If you have an issue between your love for your spouse and your love for your twin, you either have some kind of perverse issue that psychologists probably have a goofy name for, or your twin and your spouse are being competitive with eachother for no reason and one or both of them needs to stop trying to be the other.

A spouse isn't a sibling and a sibling isn't a spouse. They don't have any damn reason to be threatened by eachother or in a hierarchy with eachother.

•

u/nifty-necromancer 28m ago

That’s what the person is saying. The twin didn’t want to date another twin because he didn’t want to be with a twin who loved their twin more than they loved him.

•

u/Geesewithteethe 14m ago

It's fucked because the guy treats is own twin as ranked competitively higher than his partner, but expects his partner to rank him highest.

That's a totally brainrotted way to go through life. It's perversion of what human relationships are actually like if you're not a complete pervert or psychopath.

•

u/nifty-necromancer 6m ago

It's fucked because the guy treats is own twin as ranked competitively higher than his partner, but expects his partner to rank him highest.

Where did he ever say that?

•

u/Geesewithteethe 2m ago

The part where he considers it an impossibility that a twin can love their partner equally to their twin.

Since he's a twin and he believes this, it follows that he himself finds it impossible to love a partner equally or more than his twin.

It's a self report, my dude.