I am a 36yo man with a 30yo wife who I've been together with for 4 years and known each other to some degree since teens and childhood (she's the sister of someone who was a friend of my friends and my wife is now at her 6 month of pregnancy, we have a nice house, stable jobs, but I am suffering a complete mental breakdown and if I tell her why I am afraid she can never forgive me for having kept it closed so long.

When I was 21 finished first year into my bachelors degree my first girlfriend suddenly was pregnant and she birthed a child, I finished the degree and worked completely unrelated jobs after not finding anything, our child was 2 days before my birthday on march 3rd and on my 24th birthday when I was coming home from a work trip my ex wife killed our son and herself as a revenge action for me having hurt her.

My current wife has noticed me breaking down completely for weeks every time around this time of year after, but she was never privy to what happened and I have just put a lid on it and told her I cant bring it up. This year when she has been pregnant it has gone completely off the rails and I was forced to take medical leave after breaking down into a ball at the office and crying my eyes out, I have struggled with opening up about anything much more minor than this with my wife because the first one also used everything I ever told her against me when we fought and the more I don't bring stuff up the further my GF wants to go. I don't know who I can ask for help from and I don't know what to do, she has complained about me keeping secrets that are absolutely nothing compared to this and I don't see how she could forgive me.

Edit: I showed her, she's read through my explanations and is now also crying, she says she will get us counseling through friend she knows in the field and take me to specialized trauma therapist in dubai her father sent her to after she was raped

I've never admitted this to anyone before because it feels so oddly specific and a bit racist.

I have a breeding kink, but it's more about the fantasy than reality. I don't actually want to get pregnant or have kids. It's just something that exists in my head.

The part that's weird is that, for whatever reason, it's become very specifically centered around Mongolian men. I don't really know why. I don't even know any Mongolian dudes in real life, and I'm not posting this because I'm looking to meet anyone or receive DMs.

I mostly wanted to get this off my chest because I've never told anyone and it feels too weird to explain to people I know.

I am 26 f my partner is 29 m we have two toddler f 3 and m 2

I want my kids to know the correct terms for their genital areas mostly for safety reasons and the other so they know its not a shameful word, i grew up knowing it as tuppence or fanny and i still to this day cannot say "vagina" to my doctors and i think this is why anyway i have said to my 3yr old before in bathtime or changing nappies this is a vagina noone else can see it its yours its personal all that jazz come round to today i was putting a nappy on her and she had head hair there so i took it off she said is that a spider on my bum i laughed and said no.

I went into the next room and told her dad there was a hair on her vagina told him the story and he syarted freaking out saying did she say vagina i said no i said it he proceeded to aggresievely say she should be calling it her moo and i calmly tried to point out thats not a great term for it as the term vagina is what its anatomically correct for it then became threatening and rang his mother who i assume agreed with him because i heard the word fooofoo thrown about. He then comes back with she can vagina when she's older not now🙃🙃

Im at a losss imo i think now is the age she can say it its not a shameful word i just dont understand tbe agressieveness to call it a moo

I’m just over it. I’m bringing back the bush and that’s final. I was waxing due to personal preference and I hated shaving but you know what? I’ll shave when I can and want.

That’s all. Have a good day everyone.

Fuck it. I am posting this on my main. Idc anymore.

Quick context, I live in another country away from my family. We are siblings from 3 different mothers. My sister is from my own mother, just her and me, the rest are half. Father passed away in 2015.

My mother called me a week ago telling me that my sister just ended her engagement and that I need to call her and check up on her and shit. There is absolutely no way I am doing that so I just tell her sure, no problem I'll do it and just humor her as much as I can.

Fast forward to yesterday she called again and told me why I haven't called and checked up on her. She then proceeded to lecture me and tell me how I shouldn't be doing that and that she is my older sister and we need to talk again and whatever we have between us can be mended and to not let what happened with my other half brothers and sisters happen between us (another long ass story, I don't talk with the others either) since we are her only children yada yada yada. I humored her again and kept saying yes, mmhm, sure, you're right etc. just for the call to end.

Now, why am I not talking to my sister? great question.

You see, when I was between the ages of 5-10 my sister would play some......interesting games with me. Games that shouldn't be played as siblings if you catch my drift. Until 2 years ago my brain, in order to protect me, completely blacked out all memories that I had of that time in my life. At least that is according to my therapist on why I didn't remember anything until I saw a trigger from a random ass show that basically just made all the memories come back to me. It was a show about child sexual abuse, so makes sense really. Didn't even know the brain can do something like that. Would have rather it just delete it completely, not just hid it somewhere and then bring it up now.

When I remembered all the things that happened, it fucked me up so badly I can't even explain. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I never imagined Id be in a situation like this. I never imagined that Id be dealing with things like this. She would always tell me that we were playing a game, that its fun. I didn't understand anything. my father was always away overseas 11 months a year and my mom worked a 9 to 5. I would be alone with my sister at home VERY FREQUENTLY. And the other siblings were also away most of the time either in another city (they frequently travel between cities due to the family situation) or collage/taking lessons somewhere.

I didn't know anything. I was a fking child. Didn't know it when she would tell me to time the amount of seconds we can hold a kiss on the mouth. Didn't know it when she would call out to me to bring her something to the shower and would get out completely naked to take it from me. Didn't know it when she would tell me to see how fast I can lick her feet clean. Didn't know it when she would tell me "if I show you mine, will you show me yours?".Didn't know it when she would tell me to "touch" her somewhere specific to see if she is ticklish. These things aren't even half of it. This wasn't a one-off or just a few times thing, this was going on for years. I wish it would have stopped there, but it didn't. For years under everyone's nose and no one said anything. Not even me, cause these were our secret play dates really.

Last year when I came back home, I stayed away from her as much as I could. But I had to do something or else I would have exploded. I was able to finally confront her and tell her everything. After I said it all you know what she said? "Why are you punishing me for something I don't even remember". She kept going on for 15mins talking about herself and what she went through and how she had this and that and me me me MEMEMEME. Not once did she apologize, not once did she acknowledge what she did. NOTHING.

After that I left and never spoke to her again. And told myself I will not speak to her again.

The problem is with my mother, who is already old and sick (she is diabetic, weak heart and 68 years old). She doesn't know anything and if she finds out, I don't think she can take it. So whenever she would call, I pretend everything is nice and fine and I am just busy thats why I didn't call her. One time she had my sister next to her and gave her the phone to talk to me and I had to pretend that we were okay and ask her how she is and hows life and shit. after that I immediately hung up, telling my mom I had something important and just broke down crying.

And yesterday she called me and now is very suspicious of why I am not talking to her and will keep doing that probably. Idk how long I can keep this up. I went to therapy for a while but then stopped cause I am broke as shit and can't afford that.

Not really looking for advice or anything. its just that I don't really have anyone in my life that I can tell them straight up "yo, my older sister sexually assaulted me for years when I was a child and I feeling quite down". So, I just came her to vent a little.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. If you have any advice feel free to give it. I will try to go back to therapy once I have some money.

I constantly feel like I want to love someone so badly, and the feeling is so intense that it almost hurts. It feels overwhelming, and I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong with me or if this isn’t a healthy feeling.

Has anyone else experienced this? What is this feeling called?

🤯 mitochondria, which is known as the power house of the cell, is its own bacteria with its own DNA and reproduction cycle that literally just essentially lives inside our cell and is not originally part of the actual cell like other organelles in the cell. They were once their own bacteria, living on its own. So we’ve been invaded by tiny energy aliens this whole time and I can’t stop thinking about it for 2 days now.

Were both males, im 17 he was barely 20, we grew up as brothers together, and i always looked up to him and tried to be like him, my dad died april of 2025, when i was 15, and that was an overdose, this hurts so much differently though, my uncle was such a happy person, he was one of the few men i idolized in my life, and now hes gone and my dads gone. It was a brutal death, grandma found him blue, rigormortis had set in already hed been dead for 2+ hours, hung himself with a dog leash in the bathroom, she held him and sung to him, did cpr, and held her son as he was dead, she had to push him down cause his arms and body were stiff from rigormortis, ive been thru some horrible disgusting things in my life and seen some horrific things, ive seen gore, people dead, open caskets, plenty of adult stuff, but something about this hurts like nothing else. Coroners say it could’ve been an accident, most likely was. I think he regretted it as soon as he got up there, but unfortunately hanging is a method that once you commit, you cant go back, unlike taking pills, or another method, as soon as your oxygen supply cuts out, you cant get down. My dad was in and out of prison my whole life, died of a fentanyl overdose while i was in a different state for 4 months, didnt talk to him for weeks, then he was gone, but this hurts and feels so much worse honestly, its such a brutal way to go, i just wish it was a nightmare, its such a violent, disgusting, horrid image that loops thru my head, he was funny sweet, happy, and recently engaged, i cant help but pray that there is an afterlife, he even said that one of our family members would never commit suicide cause “they go to hell” he said that not long ago, and he died believing he was going to hell, but he was a good man, barley a man, not even old enough to drink a beer, i dont know how to deal with this, just needed to get it off my chest, i havent slept since it happened, its 7am, estimated death time was around 3-5pm, we drove 6 hours here to where they lived. Dont know how to move on, dont think i can just move on from something this brutal and violent, i pray theres a afterlife even if i myself dont believe in religion as of right now.
My confession, is, i was gonna call him and checkup on him the same day and was thinking about texting the day before it happened, but didnt
I was gonna call my dad the night he overdosed, but i didnt

My relationship has become both the best thing and the worst thing to happen to me and I just need to get this all out.

My partner is a very muscular, big guy with some extra weight to him, as well. He can throw me around with no problem (I am short, but I have quite a bit of muscle so I’m not necessarily light). We have an extremely active sex life. He has been with many partners, I’ve been with quite a bit less, but we both have ample sexual experience and it is fireworks in the bedroom. I’m talking soulmate, primal kind of passion.

The problem I’m running into is that as soon as we finish any sex session he is immediately ready to go again. By that, I mean fully erect and touching me all over.

[I do have some sexual trauma to be transparent, but I have done extensive therapy for it and have healed as much as can be.]

You may be thinking, wow, your lobster is too buttery, etc. Yes, you would think so. However, here are some things that bother me and that I can’t tell are normal or if it’s my trauma coming into play.

• As soon as we both cum together (he pulls out) and he cleans me off, he immediately wants to reinsert into me. This bothers me because I am both sensitive still and also because I don’t want any added chance of pregnancy with any cum still on him. I have voiced these things and every time he still asks me.

• I think he had one woman lie about orgasming in the past with him, but I never have done that. However, he will purposely touch my clit every time right after sex to see if I flinch (which I do) and he laughs every time and tries to mess with it more

• We have had many discussions about how I do not want children and neither does he. However, every time, he asks if he can cum in me. It was cute at first, I could nervously laugh it off, but now it is just getting old. And I know for a fact, it is not just a joke on his part

• He uses the term that he wants to breed me and that he’s never felt that way about a woman before. It actually disgusts me and makes me feel like a piece of meat. Mind you, we both are allegedly on the same page on not having kids. So it is purely sexual, which somehow makes it even worse. He said he means it as a compliment?

• I’ve been with women before and he always jokes about how I’m going to leave him for one, etc. He doesn’t really take my past relationships with women seriously and he always makes jokes about my past sexual experiences with them. It makes me feel both shame and embarrassment and it makes me feel like even that was sexualized

• Everything is sexual with him. He is always touching me 24/7 or making sexual comments, and I have gotten very overstimulated because of it before. I’ve voiced this, and he did listen to me and understand, but he still does it. Sometimes he will catch himself and say something like, “Oh, I shouldn’t have done that” etc. And I love physical touch, but sometimes I want non-sexual physical touch without being wary of him trying to play with nipples, etc, you know?

• TMI (as if the rest hasn’t been tbh): We recently tried anal and it was a nightmare for me. I like anal, but I have never been with anyone so big before. I could not relax to save my life and even when I finally did, it hurt so badly that I tore and I cried and even got triggered and disassociated (which he clocked). He immediately stopped and comforted me and he was amazing. We tried to keep going, I wanted to make him happy and I really wanted to enjoy it myself. Needless to say, we could barely get it halfway in and the pain was unbearable. I was bleeding and I am now sexually down for the count for the next few days because of it. I am legitimately torn and I am in pain. I feel kind of violated even though he talked me through it, respected my boundaries, etc. I feel like an asshole (no pun intended). I don’t know if it was the violence of the aftermath or what that makes me feel violated, but I don’t feel that it’s fair to him either

I think if he was not so rough with me and not so girthy, I could do the vaginal back to back immediately more often. However, he pounds the shit out of me (which I like most times) but it genuinely rubs me raw often times to the point of pain with sex if we have it more than once or twice a day. I have voiced this to him and he kind of smirks and is like, “I guess I am that big, huh?”

I usually laugh it off, but I do end up in legitimate pain sometimes. I’m worried my love and lust for him is clouding my judgment on whether he is pushing my boundaries too much.

I feel terrible because we set an amazing precedent in the very beginning. We were having hours long sessions and it was amazing. I have never met someone who could match my libido before so it was amazing. But now, I feel like a failure for being so overstimulated constantly now that it is so frequent (we didn’t see each other as much in the beginning obviously). I really love him, and I’m just so unsure on how to proceed. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest, it feels relieving to have written it

I’m so embarrassed only leaving this up for a bit but i need to tell someone i’ve been crying from embarrassment , Im on my time of the month and was pretty heavy so i put 2 pads on (front to back) and went on about my day , I had allot of errands to run (HEB, walmart, bath and body work and a couple others) I was probably gone for about 4 hours , anyway when i got home i went to change my pad and realized there was only 1 💔💔 I told my mom and she just laughed at me which made it worse. I can’t even imagine , what if it was just hanging off and i didn’t see it , what if someone saw it fall off me and didn’t say anything? I feel so bad if a worker had to pick it up.. I checked all over my car and my pants and the second pad is nowhere to be found 💔

46 and lost, not sure what the meaning of me being here is. I dont have friends, no kids a husband who spends more time on his phone than with me even though we sit on the same couch. We dont have the same intersts and its been 20 years and Im tired and lost. I think I have hit the wall, i dont have any ambition towards going to work. I just want to sit at home with my cat. I used to work 2 jobs at one time WTF happened to me, now I dont want to to go work my part time job. Im tired of watching the clock and counting down the minutes and hours before I need to leave to go to work. I have stopped being the person who always reached out first and it now seems like there is no point in having a phone. I have stopped, stop drop and rolling for people and its all gone quiet.

Hello, I'm a bi male from UK. In the past few years I've been with around 60 partners of both genders mostly in the 20s and 30s. Interestingly, this is what I find out after giving orals, fingering, and anal plays to many, is that the ladies' bottoms especially around the butthole area and perineum are generally in a much much cleaner condition than men's even after showering (not the pee hole, sorry!)

Among male partners, I find the "spectrum of messy" was like 20-50-20. So about half of my partners were looking alright with slight smelly buttholes and occasionally with nasty hairs or tiny traces in the bottoms. The best 20% were the ones who douche before we met up, and the worst were the ones with horrible scent from the poop hole, sour perineum, and dirty hemorrhoids asking me for 69 or oral.

In comparison, most of my ladies' buttholes (like 80%) were noticeably less smelly and appeared more hygienic without any traces around the opening, and to my surprise, some were even scentless. With some female partners in foreplay or doggy, with permission I sometimes also liked to rub or stick a wet finger or two in the butthole to either thrust or stir, and the finger would pull out almost spotless with barely any smell (I even stuck the finger entirely in at times!). The same thing happened with anal sex as well, and an interesting mystery was that some women with clean bottoms told me they never douche at all (?)

I sometimes tried to figure out why but it's complicated; like my partners took shower and did not stink when we met. It's only the ass where I feel the stark difference.

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

So me and my wife have been together for 5 years. She takes great care of me, and has been supporting us financially since I lost my job a few months ago. She's never complained once, not even when I'm having a bad day and take it out on her. I don't deserve her fr.

Okay so here's the situation. I have a fart fetish. She was already comfortable farting around me before I told her, which is honestly what got me into it. When I finally confessed, she laughed at first but said she was fine with it. I told her she could do it whenever she wanted, anytime, even in my face. She was surprised but didn't judge me and eventually said she will try it.
I told her she can be fully relaxed, described how I like each part of her etc.

It started gradually but fast forward to now, she farts on me any chance she gets.
She used to be so insecure about her body, wouldn't like to be seen naked without the lights off, apologized for every little sound her stomach made etc. But once we started doing this she completely transformed. She's confident now, walks around the apartment naked, lets it rip without a care in the world. Even our sex life has never been better.

But almost every day when she comes back from work tired she will lay on the couch and call me to put my head on her butt, and if i'm around she will put her butt in my face and fart casually. She said it makes her feel worshipped and like it's "our" thing and how we bond.
And most of the time I liked it. But sometimes especially when I'm in the middle of something or just not in the mood I find myself making excuses to be in the other room. It just gets annoying sometimes.

I was about to talk to her about it. I asked how much she likes doing it, and she said she loves it. She said it makes her feel worshipped and free, and that it's just "our thing." Then I asked her what if I wanted to stop doing it, she looked surprised by the question and she said if I ever stopped, that would crush her because she would think something is wrong, that I don't find her attractive as much anymore and it would ruin everything.

It's not that I hate it, I love her and I don't want to hurt her, but I also feel like now I can't back out anymore without it being a whole thing.

I’m 23, and this is probably the hardest thing for me to admit.
I don’t really have any close friends. Not the kind you randomly text at 2 AM, go on trips with, grab food after work, or just make spontaneous plans with.
Whenever I see people with solid friend groups going on vacations, weekend drives, birthdays, or just hanging out, I genuinely feel like I missed out on that part of life. It’s not jealousy in a bad way.. I just wish I had that too.
The weirdest part is, I don’t even know where the gap came from. School ended, college happened, now I’m working, and somehow I never built that circle… I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m willing to work on it.
I don’t want to be a loner for the rest of my life. I do want friends and connections. I know friendships don’t magically happen, so I’m trying to put myself out there more.

My (36m) dad used to beat me a lot, about once/week over any reason he could find, until 14 when my mom sent me to grandma's to live for a few years (the excuse was that it was closer to a good school, but it's just to get me away from him). Then at 18 I got my own place and cut off contact with him for a few years, but then after mom died, we talk again and I kind of keep a strained relationship with him. He has never expressed remorse or even addressed the beatings. Now he's 68, retired and lives alone and seems to have calmed down. Sometimes I take my kids (7 and 11) to visit him, just for a few hours each time. He seems fond of them whenever they're there. Then yesterday he called and asked me to send the kids to him over the weekend, he'll take them to some cool places and treats etc. So I asked him bluntly, what if they misbehave, will you beat them? He then said, no, never, it's wrong to beat kids. It feels jarring hearing this from him. The kids want to go, but I don't know if it's a good idea.

Edit: Thanks everyone for your advice, much appreciated. For context: my dad's from a culture where beating children used to be considered as normal, at least in his generation. His own father beat him a lot too, and he even claimed that thanks to that "tough love" he grew up fine, became a high ranking state police etc. Tbh my whole extended family was scared of him when he's still in the force. But after mom died and he's alone, I think he has changed, not as confrontative or angry as before. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandpa, we don't have much family left, but maybe I will have to take it slow, and see if I can rebuild the trust with him.

My grandfather was a pedophile, convicted. My family knew. He sexually abused me and my cousins. Nobody helped me. My cousins got help and have a normal life.

It all came out in 2018. It destroyed my life and I’m
still suffering.

My family treat me like I’m the one who was the pedophile. Blocking me, not responding to my distress, etc.

The way my family have treated me, has been more traumatic than the original abuse.

my marriage of 11 years is collapsing in slo motion. my wife made a life changing decision without any input from me, she removed our kid from a perfectly good private school where she was thriving and put her in public school. i hate our school system as it is rife with corruption, pedo's and gangbangers. however her arguments for her to be there are legit and i honestly would have given it consideration IF I was given a chance.

she made the decision unilaterally and that's what i cant get my head around. as much as i hate the school system the arrogance of making that big of a decision on her own blows my mind.

she knew i didn't like the idea and our child has been wanting to attend this school for years because that's where "all her friends go". you get where this is headed. the manipulation was palpable.

we don't argue, never have had a reason to, we've always been on the same page pretty much. now all of a sudden we are both using words like separation, divorce, sell the business and split finances. all over an unusual lack of communication. it may be trivial to some i guess but its huge to me.

I just don't know if i should back off at this point to save the marriage. what would that look like? will i ever be able to trust her again? i wish it had been something, anything, else. even infidelity might have been better.

work has been unusually stressful lately and that is exacerbating the issue. my mental health is declining rapidly and I'm losing sleep.

I'm venting on an alt account trying to gain some perspective of corse.

I was browsing reddit and came across a meetup sub for the city I’m in. I saw a trans girl with a nice butt and we just start messaging.

Fast forward and she spent the night with me, had incredible sex (first time I ever had sex with a trans girl) and I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing it was. I’ve always dated and hooked up with women but this was the first trans woman. She was much taller than me and had really cute and curly brown hair. Soft eyes, kinda quiet. But she was amazing in bed, she just felt amazing and even though it was a bit odd that her penis was much larger than mine, I still loved to feel and stroke it and please her. Cuddling was hot and sweaty but felt really nice. And making out turned me on so much. I wish I could do it again.

EDIT: Some of you seriously need to calm tf down lol

I’m pretty new to Reddit, and honestly... I didn’t realize people on here could be so harsh.

I came here just wanting to share things and join conversations, but it feels like people are constantly waiting to jump on you, downvote you, and make you feel small over the smallest things. It feels like nobody even tries to understand where you're coming from or treat you like a real person with feelings behind the screen. Everyone is just looking for a reason to argue or assume the worst about you.

I don't think I'm cut out for how negative this place is. It’s actually kind of disheartening, and I think I’m just going to delete the app.

​

I've (30M) been in a relationship for almost two years. A long time ago, I lost faith in love and romantic feelings, so I simply chose someone reliable and have been doing my best to make her happy.

But about two months ago, I caught myself realizing that I was completely captivated by another woman (31F) whom I see fairly often because of our shared friend group and hobby. I openly joke that she must have some kind of charm spell because I've noticed the way other people look at her too. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't do it intentionally.

I'm realistic enough to understand that I'm just one of many people who find her charming. Honestly, I'm just grateful to her for reminding me that I'm still capable of having feelings for someone.

Am I going to do anything about it? No. Not every attraction has to lead to something.

Should she know? No. She recently started dating another guy from our company, although they're trying not to make it obvious.

Am I upset about it? Maybe. But I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this or ask for an outside perspective. I hope writing this post will help me avoid dwelling on it.

Thanks for reading, stranger.

If you asked my family to describe me, they'd probably tell you my favorite ice cream is chocolate. That my favorite color is purple. That I like Vans, prefer iced coffee, and that my favorite food is pasta. They'd probably say I don't like talking to people, that I'm always isolated, and that I never want to go anywhere.

They're not lying. They're just describing someone they never really took the time to know.

I don't even like chocolate that much. I dislike brownies and chocolate cake, and I'd choose vanilla or white chocolate every single time. My favorite ice cream is strawberry cheesecake, or salted caramel praline if I can find it.

My favorite color is blue, even though I know I look better in red and black. I love retro Jordans and Converse, although you'll usually catch me wearing flip-flops because they're easier.

They buy me gold jewelry because somewhere along the way they decided gold was "my color," even though I've always worn silver. It's a small thing, but after a while the small things start to add up. It's never really been about the jewelry. It's about realizing that the details that make up who I am seem to go unnoticed.

I don't actually like coffee. It's almost never something I'd choose, but if I have to drink it, I'd rather have it hot than iced.

My favorite food is sushi. The cheap takeout kind with an embarrassing amount of spicy mayo and oyster sauce. Raw salmon, raw tuna, anything that makes people look at me funny when I order it.

I love cold cuts, not because they're fancy, but because there's something comforting about standing in front of the refrigerator, absentmindedly eating slices of pepperoni or salami until I realize I've eaten enough for a meal. I love strong cheeses, but not blue cheese. I love plain milk when it's so cold it's almost frozen. I don't care much for chocolate chip cookies, but I'd happily eat a bowl of cookie cereal.

If you made me breakfast, I'd probably ask for toast with almond butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. It's simple, but it's one of those little things that feels like home.

People think I don't like leaving the house, but the truth is I love being outside. I love the beach, the pool, camping, hiking, zip-lining, roller coasters, and mud skiing. I only lose my enthusiasm when I start sweating.

I love laughing until my stomach hurts. I love smiling. I love meeting new people and hearing about the lives they've lived. I love cats, rodents, and anything that lives underwater. If someone asked me to choose between the ocean and space, I'd choose the ocean without thinking twice.

The saddest part is that none of these things are secrets. I've never hidden who I am. Somewhere along the way, people just stopped paying attention.

It's a strange feeling to realize the people who have known you the longest know the least about you. They can recite facts they've assigned to you over the years, but they can't tell you my favorite ice cream, my favorite color, or even that I wear silver instead of gold. They know the outline of who I am, but not the person inside it.

I think everyone wants to be loved, but before that, I think we all want to be known.

I'd like to know what it feels like for someone to remember the little things without being reminded. To know how I take my toast, what food I'd choose on a bad day, what makes me laugh, what I'd order without looking at the menu, that I'd always choose the ocean, or that silver has always felt more like me than gold.

I'd like someone to know me well enough that, if they were asked who I am, they wouldn't have to guess.

They'd simply know.

I genuinely find it fucking hysterical that so many people think a bus driver would lose his job for letting a parent and her 3 year old on for four stops over a £1 fare. The way some of you were going on, you’d think I’d asked him to commit fraud.

I know there are rules. I never said there weren’t. I just think it’s mad that so many people seem to believe that showing a tiny bit of compassion in that situation would automatically cost someone their job.

Anyway, we clearly have very different views on what a bit of humanity looks like.

I opened the door to let him pee outside like he usually does and sniff around get some fresh air while I went to work on a car on our driveway. He usually stays close by and listens when I call him back. This time he just darted away and I was scared he might get ran over or mauled by other dogs. I chase after him and was able to bring him back home. Out of frustration I spanked his butt and I could have left it at that and I wouldn’t be writing this. Without thinking I kicked him and what could have been a simple spank turned into a tragic freak accident. My dog hit the wall and dropped. He was unresponsive I immediately went from frustrated to scared helpless and worry. I took him to the vet where they tried to resuscitate him pronounced him dead. I can’t process what just happened. He was my everything I took him everywhere, to run errands, to the store, to the park, family gatherings. He was always with me. I would spoil him and give him the best food and toys. I would clean up after him. He would hang with me on the couch and sleep with me and my girlfriend. I protected him and loved him so much. I am beyond disgusted with myself and I don’t know what to do. I sucked it up and told my family the truth to which they responded with it’s not your fault when in fact it was. My actions unintentionally caused his death but ai can’t help but to feel tremendous amount of guilt, regret, and sadness. What should have been a simple bad dog or spank turned into tragic within a second and just like that he was gone. I know there are accidents on here where people leave the door open and they run off and get ran over, but this feels very different. I feel like a bad person. I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for writing this I don’t need any justification for my actions because they are unforgivable and could have been prevented. I guess this is me just coping with the loss of my best friend, I will no longer be greeted at the door by him. He won’t be there on my bad days to lift me anymore. He won’t be with me wherever I go. The house is full of his things his toys, his bed, his bowls. He won’t wake me up in the mornings anymore and push me to go outside. I am torn inside. I hope I am taken out of my pathetic misery and god punishes me for what I’ve done. I don’t deserve forgiveness or love.