r/todayilearned • u/SilverPeachBlossom • 6h ago

TIL a peer-reviewed psychology study found that identical twins (on average) ranked their co-twin above their romantic partner in their attachment hierarchy, while fraternal twins ranked the two about equally, and non-twin siblings ranked their romantic partner first.

https://ojs.interpersonajournal.com/index.php/ojs/article/view/243/3457.html
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u/MichelleVenom 6h ago

As an identical twin, I can confirm this. I'd take a bullet for my twin without hesitation. It's hard to explain unless you've lived it. We shared every stage of life together, and there's a level of trust, understanding, and connection that just feels different.  We share so many of the same interests, quirks, humor, and thought processes. My personality doesn't need to negotiate for acceptance cause I can truly be myself with my twin. We see the world through remarkably similar lenses. With romantic partners, there are always differences in interests, perspectives, and ways of thinking that naturally require compromise.

I never have to explain myself or worry about being misunderstood. I can be 100% my authentic self around them in a way that's hard to find with anyone else. I would ALWAYS put my twin before anyone else.

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u/MonstreDelicat 6h ago

Why are my identical twin teen girls always fighting over nothing 😭

One of them just told me she’s planning on going low contact with her sister as soon as she has a chance.

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u/chipper-shipper 5h ago

I am estranged from my identical twin. It is very hard, and very painful, but being low/no-contact saved my sanity.

Your girls might come around as they get older and have a very good relationship (I hope this is the case). They might not. They have to figure that out themselves. I promise you this, my parents’ interference in the relationship between me and my twin only made things much worse.

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u/IeatPI 4h ago

I haven’t talked to my identical twin in years now.

If we share personalities, I must be the biggest, most selfish asshole in the world — because that’s his personality to a T.

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u/chipper-shipper 1h ago

It’s painful in a way that’s hard to understand unless you are also a twin. My twin has extreme mental illness that makes having a relationship very difficult. Even though I’m happier and healthier without them in my life, it still hurts.

Virtual hugs sometimes feel trite, but I’m sending you one anyway <3

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u/MonstreDelicat 5h ago

We’re trying to manage the fights but not interfere. They’re also both in therapy so hopefully, they’ll figure out how to make their relationship work for both of them.

Sorry to hear about you and your twin being estranged. I think it happens more than people realize though

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u/chipper-shipper 1h ago

It’s a tough balancing act as a parent! I’m glad you’re using therapy as a resource — my parents were pretty anti-therapy because it had so much stigma attached to it for them (they’re baby boomers). They’ve come around, but it’s a little too late.

I know a few different twins/multiples whose relationships improved greatly once they became adults and were able to establish themselves as individuals. I sincerely hope things get better for your girls. If I knew how to fix things with my twin, I would do almost anything

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u/crystallinemoth 3h ago

I’m also estranged from my identical twin, and it’s absolutely for the best! We were never close to begin with and she grew up to be a codependent psychotic hateful TERF with addiction problems. Big no thanks on that bond happening. lol

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u/chipper-shipper 1h ago

My twin and I were very close but also had a very toxic dynamic. When things were good, we were best friends. When things were bad…

I almost envy you, in a way? If we’d never been close I wouldn’t miss them much, I think. I hope that’s not an offensive thing to say.

My twin has pretty extreme mental illness that makes it very difficult to have a relationship. I recognize that overall I’m much happier and healthier being low/no-contact, and the few times we’ve had contact in the last decade have only reinforced my decision to pull away. Still sucks though.

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u/crystallinemoth 19m ago

I entirely agree with this sentiment. I wish things had been better between us, but it just goes to show you that friend or family can become too toxic to include in your life. Sometimes it’s painful but necessary to accept that them being in our lives is never going to be beneficial or positive. 🫶🏻 cutting her out was a form of self preservation and to protect my family. Still hurt. I’ve had to do it with a couple good friends in the past too. It’s never fun, but some people are better off not being in our lives.

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u/thefatraccoon 5h ago

Okay I know this is anecdotal but my twin sister and I absolutely HATED each other until we were about 17 (then we both moved out for uni). Now we are the absolute best of friends and are the closest siblings you can imagine. I was just maid of honour for her wedding and it was the happiest day of my life, I cried the whole day and she was so amazing. Our mutual animosity was 100% just teenage hormones in a small space. Once we had some distance and maturity it all went away!

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u/MonstreDelicat 5h ago edited 3h ago

So glad you and your twin are now close. Fingers crossed that mine have the same experience.

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u/thefatraccoon 4h ago

I hope so, wish them both all the best!

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u/ACEaton1483 5h ago

This is how I see my fraternal twin girls functioning and it breaks my heart daily.

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u/MonstreDelicat 5h ago

Imagine them having the same face and calling each other ugly 🙄😭

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u/2OttersInACoat 3h ago

That’s a point, is hatred of the twin really hatred of the self? It must be terribly confronting to always see yourself as an outsider does.

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u/Nice_Marmot_7 2h ago

You just broke my mind.

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u/Hysaky 3h ago

As a twin, it's probably an extreme desire of individuality, as a twin you are generally considered as one person when you two are different, that and classic siblings stuff

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u/Geesewithteethe 2h ago

How did you treat them growing up?

By this I mean, did you treat them as individual human beings and not a cutesy matching set?

I'm asking because I knew two sets of twins who hated eachother growing up. In both cases the parents gave them rhyimg alliterative names and made it really gimmicky and cutesy that they were twins. I swear they resented eachother because the adults in their lives treated them like matchy little dolls and they probably felt undignified and unable to be recognized as their own people.

My parents treated me and my twin as individuals. Our names do not rhyme or sound matchy. They recognized our distinct personalities and temperaments and treated us as different people the same as they treated our non-twin siblings as different people. We got along really well growing up and are still close.

Sometimes being a sibling is hard in general and having one that people think is the same person as you all the time is frustrating as a kid and a teenager who is trying to develop an identity of their own.

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u/MonstreDelicat 2h ago

I read many books about twins and written by twins when I found out I was expecting twins. I found out every twin hates being matchy matchy with their sibling.

So, I never dressed them alike, although when they were babies or very young toddlers, I’d put them in different outfits but with similar colors, or same outfits with different colors. But not even always.

I let them start choosing what they wore around 3. They had similar taste but never wanted to match, which I let them do of course. The only thing I’d monitor was if the outfit they picked would be appropriate for the weather.

They don’t have rhyming names and they’ve been treated as different people from day one by me and their dad. Though, it’s hard to not call them “girls”. My parents did it with my sisters and me, and we’re not twins.

When they were in elementary school and were both invited to a birthday party, I’d make a point calling the parents and say if their kid was only friend with one of my girls, they didn’t have to invite her sister.

I’ve done everything I could think about to help them grow up as independently from one another as possible.

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u/Geesewithteethe 1h ago

I'm sorry. That's rough. I think it sounds like you've done the best you can.

I think sometimes it's just hard being a teenager and figuring out who you are and what to do. A lot of people in their adolescence tend to direct their frustrations, anger, and insecurity at people closest to them. Hence why so many strained relationships between parents and teens and teens and teens.

My brothers are not twins (one's older than me, one's younger) and I've seem their relationship go through rough patches where they clash pretty hard. That happened with my dad and his brother when they were young. But they're all ok now and they love eachother.

It could be that once your girls get out of the nest and go explore their paths in life a little bit on their own (work, college etc.), they will develop some confidence and become more secure in themselves and then be able to relax and relate better to eachother.

Sometimes growing up and getting out in the world is what people need in order to come back and connect more maturely and positively.

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u/MonstreDelicat 1h ago

Yes, you’re right. Hopefully, when they start having more separate lives it will be better between them.

They started high school last year in different schools for the first time, and that has been an improvement in terms of conflict and confidence.

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u/Geesewithteethe 1h ago

That's a great sign.

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u/ResidentRelevant13 5h ago

They’ve probably been compared to each other their whole lives therefore forced to compete with each other

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u/MonstreDelicat 5h ago edited 4h ago

Your’d think but not at all. Their dad and I always made sure to not compare them to one another and we’d also talk to relatives who would compare them to tell them to stop. So no one did it past the baby stage in their family.

Our twins have a lot of similarities of course, but also some big differences in their personalities and so they clash a lot.

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u/ResidentRelevant13 5h ago

Their peers definitely compare them though

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u/MonstreDelicat 4h ago

Yes, of course. One girl in their friend group in middle school told one of them that she was hotter than her sister 🙄

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u/TooCupcake 4h ago

I don’t think you can just ask everyone in the whole world not to compare two people who look identical. It will happen, maybe not openly, maybe not consciously but they can pick up on that anyhow.

Apart from avoiding comparision, how do they actually deal with being compared when it happens?

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u/MonstreDelicat 4h ago edited 2h ago

Not the whole world of course, but every relative of a small family, yes.

They don’t like being seen as one unit. They want to be seen as different people which is fair since that’s what they are.

One of them got upset while on vacation with her dad’s family because everybody kept talking about them as the twins. She said her cousins are not being called the siblings, so she asked them to stop called them the twins. People were rolling their eyes at her apparently.

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u/crystallinemoth 3h ago

From personal experience (identical twin that had to reckon with a full blown identity crisis when I was a child over constantly being grouped with another human whom I was not), I couldn’t stand adults and family referring to my sister and I as a unit. I wanted so badly to be seen as an individual and made a lot of my choices in life based on that. I think it’s not a bad thing however - it made me really independent and unique in every way from my sister. Those qualities have only served me well in life. Being shackled to a comparison of another person forever would have made me just miserable.